TomsGirl

Hi Everyone. I'm new here. Glad I found you all. Here's my story.

My husband Tom is an alcoholic. Been one since his early 20's. I've only known him since he was 40. He also suffers from clinical depression and he started using alcohol as self medication. Eight weeks ago today he attempted suicide. He changed his mind at the last minute but still almost dies from loss of blood. Anyway, he's now getting lots of treatment for his depression. That's going great. But the alcohol, as I'm sure you all know, is something the alcoholic has to fight and overcome on their own. After the attempt he knew he had to quit drinking and he was doing pretty well. He went about 30 days sober. But then, I came home from work one day and I could tell he'd been drinking. Did my search and found beer in the trunk of his car. Had a showdown about it, ended up talking it out, he confessed his sin to therapists and such and he vowed to try again.

This past week I started getting the feeling that he was drinking again. I asked him out right several times. Each time he said "no, I haven't been drinking". Still the feeling he was drove me nuts. On Thursday he sure acted "tipsy" when I came home from work. Checked the trunk again, nothing. At one point during the evening he left the room and I picked up his glass of Sprite and took a sip. Bingo! My "I only drink beer, hate the hardstuff" guy had graduated to vodka! Now, all I had to do was find the bottle. After he went to bed I did a search. Found an almost empty 5th of Smirnoff under the cushion of the living room sofa. Checked the trash bag he had put out in the bucket the day before and found several more empty 5th's.

I never went to bed that night. (Thank goodness I didn't have to work on Friday!) During the night I found this message board and did lots and lots of reading. The thread on Detachment did wonders for me. Anyway, I informed him on Friday morning that I knew about the vodka. I also told him that my focus was changing. That for me, it was no longer all about him but all about me. I can't save him from drinking anymore than I could save him from suicide. (Lots of people have said I saved him from his suicide attempt. Not true in my eyes even thought I chased him from one motel after another for a week. In the end it was his decision whether to live or die.) I gave him some "house rules" on the drinking. I didn't want it in my house but I knew if I wasn't home he'd probably still do it. I would no longer search for it but if I came across it I'd toss it. I would also sometimes take a swig right in front of him of whatever he's drinking. If it has booze in it I'll throw it out. I also told him I may not be able to control his drinking but I can control whether or not I want to live with it and he knows that's the truth because back in 1998, after 16 years of marrigae, I decided not to live with it anymore in regards to my first husband.

Sorry this is so long, I'll finish up. Yesterday was a roller coaster but by the end of it we had patched things up. And now I'm posting here because I know chances are a relapse will happen again and I'll need a place to vent!

Thanks in advance for your time and most importantly, any encouragement you can give.

Oh yeah, I'm a big baseball fan and the Red Sox are on a winning streak! *****!

Take care,

splendra

Tom's Girl-

Welcome to sober recovery!!! It sounds like you fit right in!! I look forward to getting to know you!!!s

I only have one comment on your post. You stated that you will toss any booze you find of his:nono: All you will be doing is giving him a reason to buy more it will not stop him from drinking. Rethink this please for your own sake. Perhaps you need to come up with a different boundry. I believe there is a "sticky post" at the top of this forum on "boundries".

Take care of yourself dear one!!!

TomsGirl

Hi Splendra,

Thank you for the warm welcome. I know throwing away the booze isn't recommended but this is MY home, not my husband's. At least in regards to owning it. I told him I don't want any alcohol in my house and if I find it I toss it. Yes, he may buy more and he'll have to find a new hiding place too. I did ask him, if he has to drink, to please do it elsewhere but he won't. But I did promise myself I wouldn't search for it anymore. That I WON'T do. But if I come across it I'll throw it away and then let him know I know he's drinking again. His recent suicide attempt has made him realize that he can never really control the depression if doesn't stop the drinking. Prior to the attempt he drank beer every waking hour. Earlier in our marriage he tried to hid the early morning beers but I always knew he was doing it and I told him to just drink in front of me because I already knew. So he did. But now I've made it very clear that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a drinking alcoholic. I turned a blind eye to it last go around. Depression and alcohol is a lethal combination. If he doesn't stop drinking he'll eventually finish what he started 8 weeks ago.

If anyone else has experience with someone with a "dual diagnosis" I'd love to hear any suggestions you may have.

Take care,

splendra

Tom's Girl-

All I know is that you just have to take the focus off of him and put iot on yourself. He is probably fully aware of what he is doing to himself.

Try to seperate him from his disease and know which you are talking to. If your are trying to set a boundry with his disease it will confound you and it will not only hurt him more it will also hurt you to see the results.... Get all the help for you that you can and try to become aware of when you are being drawn into his disease. I am afraid that this pouring out of his alcohol is not really a boundry but, you trying to control his disease there is a profound difference in boundries and trying to control.....

It is not your fault and you did not cause this and, you can't cure or, control it either. Get a boundry that you can keep!!!! His disease is bigger than you sweetie believe me...

Lakeside

TomsGirl,
I am new to this site too and just posted my first "post" My AH also has a duel diagnosis. And yes, it is pretty much hell. He was diagnosed last year with indeginous (sp) depression which pretty much means he was born with it. His mother even said he had episodes when he was young. Anyway, the doctor put him on celexa. My AH even said he could feel a difference, like a cloud was lifted. I thought great! We
are half way there. Now, the problem is he is out of medication and won't go back because the dr. will say stop drinking and he just doesn't want to. Now he is spiraling down. Please try to get your husband to the doctor to at least get him on depression medication. it could help.
I feel lucky to have found this site and some one else in the same "double boat" as me.
Don't forget to take care of you.

TomsGirl

Hi Lakeside and Splenda,

Regarding the dumping of anything I might find, it's not so much as control of my AH as it's more of a control over my decision that I do not want alcohol in my house. A precursor to a day when I may have to make the decision that I no longer want my AH's addiction in my life anymore. I know some board members have decided to live with it. I know I won't. My first husband never believed I would't, he was shocked when I told him I wanted a divorce. My current husband knows and understands that I will not, regardless of how much I love him, spend another major portion of my life with an A. I said to him just the other day, as much as I love you, I love myself just a little bit more. And his depression won't make me weak either. My first husband suffered from clinical major depression too. And he used the threat of suicide as a manipulation tool.

As for my AH's depression, attempting suicide is still a crime, although they are not treated like criminals. He is on medication and goes to see a therapist about every 10 days. And if he stopped taking his medication and/or stopped going to his therapist I or his doctor could probably have him involuntarily committed. But he does have to talk with his therapist about his relapses. They seem to coincide with his appointments with his hand surgeon. Not to get into detail because I know the subject of suicide is very hard for some people to take but during his last attempt he cut all the tendons in his right wrist. They repaired the major one that controls the fingers but not the minor one that controls feeling to the palm of the hand. His palm is numb and probably always will be. Besides the scars, he will always be left with a reminder of his attempt in the form of a hand that has no feeling. He needs to reconcile himself with that.

I asked him if he got any enjoyment out of drinking the vodka. Did it make him feel better in any way. He said the only think he got from it was the thrill of getting away with it. But, as usual, I figured out what he was doing. Anyway, I do know, as long as he keeps trying to quit I'll support him. I only ask that he keeps trying.

Take care and thank!

Maggie-May

Hi TomsGirl,

I can sure identify - my husband is both alcoholic and bipolar. Being bipolar has been easier for both of us to accept and we are both just coming to terms the alcoholism. I began attending Al-Anon three months ago and a lot has changed in my life since then. Our first step in Al-Anon is to admit we are powerless over alcohol and just when I think I have taken that step I again find myself trying to control my husband's drinking. The problem is that all my controlling has been unable to stop my husband's drinking! I know you are trying to help your husband but could it be that your attempts to control his drinking are actually delaying his sobriety? Has your husband tried AA? The one thing I do know is that alcoholism is a disease and willpower will not be enough for him to stop drinking.

My husband was hospitalized two years ago in a psych ward and, looking back, I am shocked at how little attention was given to the alcoholism part of his diagnosis! They discussed the bipolar at length and yet said very little about the disease of alcoholism. Finally, two years after being hospitalized and after many attempts to quit drinking on his own he is starting to find some success in AA. Reading your post is like reading about my own past and I feel that you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Have you tried Al-Anon? I would really encourage you to go if you haven't. Here is a link that I read yesterday and found to be very helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168

Love and prayers to you

TomsGirl

Hi,

I did try Al-Anon. I'm sure it will evenutally be right for me but not now. Too close to the suicide attempt. I can't go to Al-Anon until I can just talk about the alcohol and not the depression. Unfortuneately, depression and suicide really creeps some people out. My husband tried AA for a bit but again, people didn't really want to hear about the depression part and right now he can't talk about one without the other. Too bad there isn't a specific group within AA that deals with dual diagnosis.

As far as the control, I'm controling it in MY life. If he wants to drink elsewhere fine by me. It's no different than my son's friends who smoke pot and drink. I don't care what they do but they will not do it in my home. There is no longer any alcohol in my home. If I have a party and people want it then they can bring it with them and take any left overs back with them when they leave.

But I do agree with you regarding the differences between the treatment of depression and alcohol addiction. But like I said earlier, suicide is illegal, being an alcoholic isn't. But when they exist together within a person both should be recognized and treated by the medical community but they're not. I've spent many hours on a survivors of suicide message board. So many of those who have taken their lives also had an addiciton. But I know I cannot save my husband from his alcoholism anymore than I can save him if he decides to try suicide again. Regardless of what happens to him in the future, one thing I will never be left with is guilt.

Thanks and take care,

Maggie-May

Yes, so often addiction and mental illness go hand and hand and yet treatment isn't integrated. My husband self-medicated for many years before he realized he even had one problem! It's hard to know were one disease stops and another begins. One thing that's for sure is that combination if often deadly. I'm glad you have been able to detach yourself enough to not feel guilt. There are many challenges associated with dual diagnosis! I am aware that in many larger centers that there are "dual diagnosis" groups. Unfortunately my husband is too far from any such groups to attend. In certain AA groups many members are against the use of meds to treat mental illness, but the official AA stance is that the meds are okay. Sounds like your husband is doing many of the "right" things for dual diagnosis.

For my husband it can be a vicious cycle. If he starts drinking he neglects to look after his bipolar condition and this means a return to a psychiatric condition which then leads to more drinking and on and on. Suicide is always a risk and as you said can be used to manipulate. I too would refuse to feel guilt over my husband's suicide.

Don't have much else to say other than - you're not alone!

sweeks

Exactly! We're having the opposite problem as you Maggie-May. My mom is being treated up and down for alcoholism but barley at all for her bi-polar disorder. They have her one Prozac....isn't that for depression? Seems like they are only treating half of the problem.....Wish I could offer some help to either of you but I'm just starting with all of this "dual diagnosis" crap too. Best Wishes sweeks.

Maggie-May

Sweeks,

Mood stabilizers are used to treat bipolar and Prozac definitely isn't a mood stabilizer. Does your mom see a psychiatrist, and if she does, have you ever been to an appointment with her? I have a good article on bipolar that I found on the internet a couple of years ago. I don't have a link to it, but the authors are Kahn, Ross, Printz and Sachs, and maybe you can find it. It's a scary disease because the stats say that 1 out of 5 with bipolar will die from suicide and more than 50% of those with bipolar will abuse drugs or alcohol during their illness. If your mom is interested in recovery, I would recommend the book "The twelve steps and dual disorders" by Tim Hamilton and Pat Samples (Hazelden) which is a framework of recovery for those with an addiction and a psychiatric illness. There are no easy answers or solutions but you and your mom will be in my prayers.