Kboys

I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record. You all have already given me so much good advice and wisdom, and I know I need to leave this relationship, but I haven’t yet.
So I feel hesitant to post the same old story, but I guess I need to vent.

Still feeling stuck. AH still not drinking- except for once- since October.
I’m going to Al-Anon, working on Step 4 currently.
I’m seeing a lot of my part in our dysfunction in a way I hadn’t before.
It pisses me off that AH is not working any program. That he thinks his part in fixing things is done now, because he’s not drinking, and that he thinks I should just be “over it.”
So I don’t bring up anything anymore from the past. I never say anything about his past infidelity, or the other ways in which he hurt me when he was drinking. Because I know it will make him angry and then my day will be ruined. But the truth is that I feel like no matter how hard I try, there is always something I do, or don’t do, eventually, even when things seem to be going well, that will **** him off and lead to an angry outburst.
His angry outbursts are not as ugly or violent or frequent as they were when he was drinking, but they are still devastating to me.

I’m trying to do more for me, and I have been, but not as much as I would like to, because I worry about pissing him off. I worry about him accusing me of cheating on him.

So I still walk on eggshells. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative, and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I definitely don’t want my boys to witness anymore ugliness. I don’t want my boys to grow up to believe it’s okay to treat their wives this way.

I know I don’t have to wait for him to drink again. But part of me really wishes he would just drink again, and get violent, and I could call the police and he would be arrested and I could get a protective order. The other part of me is terrified of that happening.

I could go to my parents’ house for a while. They own the house we live in, and I pay the majority of the bills, so he would have to be the one to move out. But I could leave for a while until he finds somewhere to go. He has said he won’t move out. I know I’ll have to contact a lawyer, file for custody. Ugh, it just seems like a lot. But I am so sick of this.

Thank you to whoever is reading. I am so very thankful to have found you all.

knowthetriggers

Well - forgive me if I now sound like the broken record. If he is emotionally and physically abusive then leaving is best for you and the kids - hands down!

I know first hand what it is like to "walk on eggshells". I felt suffocated and lifeless. I hope you continue with Alanon and that you can find your voice again.

But part of me really wishes he would just drink again, and get violent, and I could call the police and he would be arrested and I could get a protective order. The other part of me is terrified of that happening.

I know you don't mean this. I know you would never want to be in this situation - EVER. I hope you can find the courage to either leave and go to your parents or ask him to go.

Suggestion - if you ask him to go then don't do it in front of the kids AND possibly have someone you trust very close by in case your situation escalates. I am not certain about the law but perhaps an officer could be there?

At any rate - stay safe!

firebolt

Just sending you strength and peace. On him moving, you don't need a lawyer I don't think - 30 days notice and a call to the sheriff after that should do it. (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry.

Kboys

Thank you for the suggestions knowthetriggers.

But part of me really wishes he would just drink again, and get violent, and I could call the police and he would be arrested and I could get a protective order. The other part of me is terrified of that happening.

I know you don't mean this. I know you would never want to be in this situation - EVER. I hope you can find the courage to either leave and go to your parents or ask him to go.

I don't mean it. I don't want that. It just feels like it would be easier that way. Also, I think I have so much regret for the times when he was drinking that I didn't call the police when I should have or I didn't leave when I should have. And I regret not making him stay gone when he finally did move out.
I feel like I need another chance to redeem myself. That sounds stupid. I annoy myself, but that's how I feel right now.

LexieCat

If you don't have a lease with your parents (with his name on it), you might or might not need to go through an eviction process. Talk to a lawyer about that first. I wouldn't care to leave an angry, abusive dry drunk in possession of the house one minute more than I had to.

Trust me, you do NOT want him to get drunk and violent and have to call the police on him. That might make your legal situation simpler, but do you really want your boys to have to see Dad arrested and taken away in handcuffs? Not that you should hesitate on that account for an instant if he does something to warrant calling the police, but why go through all of that if you don't have to?

I'd work on getting him out NOW. There won't be any question of who will have temporary possession of the house. I'd suggest calling a DV advocate at the shelter or hotline and do some safety planning and maybe a risk assessment to see whether you appear to be in immediate danger. There is also an online risk assessment available here: MOSAIC. If you're not in immediate danger maybe you could wait until school gets out in a few weeks to minimize disruption to the kids. But I really recommend that you talk to a lawyer as soon as possible and find out what your options are.

sugarbear1

Sending you love and hugs....I've been where you are, I have no words of wisdom to share other than to finish that 4th step and keep moving past step 7.....your answer and strength will come to you in time.

ErinGoBragh

Redeem yourself. After all, it is your life and your choice to make.

I can only speak for myself, but when I got to the point that I simply could not take another minute of living with my AH, I left. I didn't care about the consequences.

I took my half of the equity out of our home; which, at that time, had lost 50% of the original equity. I liquidated my three IRA's.

I simply had to leave. I think all of us eventually reach a point where our back is against the wall and there is no way out of that corner into which we painted ourselves ... except to leave.

I wish you happiness and peace. I can tell you I have a peace and serenity that is wonderful. Sure, life still throws me curve balls, but I'm not bogged down or dragged down with an A in my life.

maia1234

Kboys, There is no difference dealing with an dry drunk or an active drinking drunk. They are not rational. Please take care of you and your boys. You do not need to live in the horrible situation anymore. Find out your legal rights, before you do anything.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

cookiesncream

My heart hurts for you and I'm so sorry. What you're looking for and do deserve is not just sobriety you want RECOVERY. Regardless of how long we "A's" have been sober until we change the thinking and behavior patterns that led us to drink we really are just sober. Friends and family, yourself included, want that. Unfortunately you can enforce boundary issues with regards to drinking but boundaries for true recovery? Not so much. So long as you tolerate angry outbursts, lack of engagement in family activities, etc he is likely to continue because he can. I know this because I did a lot of the same stuff your hubbie is doing during my first year of sobriety. I figured that just being sober was enough. I did find a women's recovery program that I participated in regularly but frankly it was lip service and my heart wasn't in it. I faced a lot of the same behavior from my partner you are except he was the non alcoholic. I realized as I no longer had booze to use to hide with that I had to start changing my own patterns and that at the year mark of sobriety led to my "recovery breakthrough." I know I've mentioned these books before but I strongly suggest doing a Google search on "Boundaries Henry Cloud." He's written a whole series of books. They have a strong Christian slant however the religious aspects can be easily skipped over and there is a lot of information about how to set boundaries, what they look like, and how important they are. For me reading them was a turning point from "dry drunk" to "in recovery." You do deserve better but your current path isn't going to get you there. Consider reading the book suggestion or doing a Google search and finding others on the same subject.

Peace,

Kboys

Thank you all for your responses
Lexie, I did the MOSAIC assessment and scored a 7- "most similar to cases that have worsened and escalated." It was pretty interesting to read through. Thank you for that.
I do think that as long as AH is not drinking, things will likely remain at this level and not escalate... but I guess I don't really know.
I have a hidden emergency cell phone, and an extra car key, if things go bad (he has in the past, when he was drinking, taken my keys, and broken my phone)
I looked at our lease agreement. Both our names are on it, and it is signed by only him, not me ?
I definitely don't want to leave him in possession of the house for any length of time, but I don't know that I'll be able to get around that?

Thank you for the book recommendation cookies.
I definitely need some boundary setting (and sticking to them) help.
My only boundary that was set really, was that he not drink.

daydreamer0217

i am going to go find that book cookies

hopeful4

I just want to let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you. I know it's a lot, and that it's hard to move forward. Only you can decide when or if you want to do that, but no matter what you decisions are we are here for you!

Sending you lots of warm hugs today!

LexieCat

You can call your local DV shelter and talk to an advocate about whether his abusive conduct would be sufficient to entitle you to a protective order. Some places "harassment" is sufficient (the definition of harassment and the grounds for a protective order vary from place to place). Might be worth asking about. That would require HIM to leave.

Also, your parents are the landlords. They could evict him, depending on what the lease says. Do they know he is abusing you? I'm betting that a competent landlord/tenant lawyer could figure out a way to get him out, even if he were entitled to some kind of damages for their breaking the lease. I think you (and/or your folks) would be well-advised to get some legal advice.

Kboys

Thanks Lexie.
My parents know about his alcoholism, and about the abuse (some) that occurred when he was drinking.
But they do not know of any continued abuse.
It's very difficult for me to talk about any of this with them, but I have no question they will support me and help me do whatever needs to be done.

And thank you everybody for the support

Shelliszoo

I get it ... Totally! My AB i live with relapsed and i was done, get out, go away, etc. He drank for 3 weeks now hes trying to stay sober. Im not close to being over anything. He says im sober now, no need to talk about the past we need to move forward. Are you kidding me? I need ro talk about and get some validation about what I went through. Im so disconnected right now. A lot of silence because i have all these unresolved things in head. I have thought to myself , if he had just kept drinking .... I sont want to walk away when hes trying . The problem is .... Im not happy. I dont thknk i can get past the h%= he put me through those few weeks and i darn sure dont want to ever do it again. However, i know if i dont the odds are very high that he will put me through it agin. I understand how your feeling and im sorry. It sucks hopefully one day very soon we will both find the strength to do what we need to do for us not them.

Kboys

"He says im sober now, no need to talk about the past we need to move forward. Are you kidding me? I need ro talk about and get some validation about what I went through. Im so disconnected right now. A lot of silence because i have all these unresolved things in head."

Thanks Shelli... Sending strength and hugs to you
Yes, that part has been really hard for me. I don't think my AH even remembers half of what actually went on when he was drinking. I know he knows it was bad, and that he's sorry, but I don't think he really gets how traumatic it was for me. And he doesn't want to. Because then he would have to deal with more guilt and shame.
I have given up on ever getting that feeling of validation from him, or the sincere heartfelt apology, in the way that I would do it, if our roles were reversed. Not gonna happen for me, at least not any time soon.