Jenibean87

Remember when you all told me to butt out of A's life? That he was going to relapse whether he was here nor there if he wanted to. Turns out, as much as I knew it to be true, I was caught completely off guard by his coming in so drunk last night, he hasn't stopped throwing up for 12 hours.

Foolish me. Foolish him.

I feel so detached and calm about this. Not unlike his last relapse, about a month ago (after nearly 9 months of sobriety...), I am just figuring out how to live my days in a way that brings me peace. So I went to yoga this morning, and will go to ballet tonight, and hopefully work in the garden today. And just keep on.

And while I know that is what will bring me day-to-day fulfillment.... I can't help but throw myself a little pity party. He was approaching a year....we were finally talking seriously about marriage (after 7 1/2 years of being together).... kids. Life was falling into place, and now?

I can't help but wonder how long I have to put my longing for a marriage and a family on hold because of his inability to remain sober. The answer is clear: as long as I am with him, I will always, at the very least, have to be aware that this is the reality I could live in.

Maybe it's time for a break? I don't really know how to do that, other than to go home to my parents across the country. And I like the life I am building here, and don't want to forget the things I am working on and toward for myself. I have paid good money to do this yoga immersion and retreat, that takes me all the way to July with obligations here. I am entirely financially dependent on him.

Ugh, I know so many of you post on this topic of how to leave... Funny, I never thought I would actually be considering it myself. But, I feel like I have gained so much of my SELF back in these last 9 months and have decided who I want to be, how I want to live, and what I want out of life that I have the confidence to say that, with this second relapse, I am just not getting what I want out of the relationship I am in. I want a partner. I want someone who can be stable for a future together. I want more.

There, I said it. I want more.

Now what?

happybeingme

I am sorry he relapsed. But, you sound like you are in a good place. The only thing you are lacking is financial independence. Time to get a job. With financial independence you have more options. You have given many years to him. Time to do something for yourself.

ladyscribbler

I can't help but wonder how long I have to put my longing for a marriage and a family on hold because of his inability to remain sober.

As long as you choose to. At this point the fact that you don't have children with this man is a reason to be grateful.

I am entirely financially dependent on him.

He is not dependable. You really don't know when the rug is going to be yanked out from under you. Clinging to him for support is like clinging to a drowning man and expecting him to bring you to safety instead of pulling you under with him.

I have paid good money to do this yoga immersion and retreat, that takes me all the way to July with obligations here.

I love yoga, but it seems like financial security and stability need to take precedence over leisure pursuits at this point. Also, it's not like it was your money anyway. Sorry if that sounds callous, and detachment is good, but it's not the same thing as sticking your head in the sand and hoping everything works out in your favor.
I had to do a lot of growing up after I left my ex. There was no one left to blame. It was all on me at that point. Terrifying, but ultimately worth it.

hopeful4

You have a right to want more. Only you can decide how long you are willing to ride this out with him, as you said, it may last for as long as you are with him. Only you can decide.

Tight hugs...

Jenibean87

I see the excuses I am making. Financial dependence is an obstacle many have overcome. Yep, a J-O-B is in order. And a savings account. A is quite wealthy, and has been very generous with me. When we took a break 2 years ago, he did continue to support me for the months that we were apart while I got a job, apartment, and was re-building from the ground up. Maybe the same will hold true again? I'm not holding my breath.... He has no legal obligation to do so. There is no legal division of assets, no alimony. The state I am in does not recognize common law marriage or "palimony". I know that not being married is a blessing in many ways in this situation, but it also brings the very real consequence of having no security, especially financially. I own nothing. Nothing is in my name. Silly me...

For the past 18 months, I have been building a life and a home. It's sad and childish to want to stomp my feet and not leave because I decorated and gardened and made a home that I am proud of and happy in, but it's what I'm feeling now. I'm obviously not happy in this home with a drunk passed out our in bed right now. More excuses....

Am I ready to give up? I know for a fact that I am strong enough to leave and support myself and re-build again. I just don't know if emotionally, I am finished with the relationship. Especially not on the heels of so much good. I do feel an overwhelming desire for space though--away from him. Away from the negativity and the instability.

Florence

Any comfort you have today will be completely outweighed by the total comfort, confidence, and independence you have knowing your well-being and happiness are in your hands and no one else's. And you can't do that while depending on someone undependable to take care of your financial well-being. Right now you're flush as long as you tow the line for an emotionally unavailable drunk. That's not a real life.

Get a job. You can decorate and garden anywhere.

CarmenLove

Is it his home? If you get a job so that you can cover the rent could he be the one to leave?

Jenibean87

Yes, the home is in his name. He bought it when we separated, and I moved in more than a year and a half ago. I have no right to ask him to leave.

When we bought our second home this winter, I had wanted to make sure that I was on the mortgage and titles, for some security...but stupidly never followed through with this request. I asked several times over the last month for us to see a lawyer, so we could set up a trust for me and also figure out how to get my name on the second home, so that I would have this investment (and a place to live) if things between us ended. But that also never happened....So much trust afforded to someone who doesn't deserve it. Mistakes I only see as huge in retrospect. "Someday" holds no weight when crisis looms, I guess.

redatlanta

Do you have any access to $$?

Jenibean87

Only if I ask for him to transfer cash into my checking account. Otherwise, I have a credit card and whatever cash I ask for throughout the week. No joint banking.

LexieCat

There really is no good substitute for financial self-sufficiency. Can you get your old job back? What, exactly, do you see yourself "building" for yourself right now? Nothing that will feed you or put a roof over your head. I think we'd all like to be independently wealthy and be able to pursue self-fulfillment without the inconvenience of having to work for a living. That isn't a put-down, but it IS true that most people in the US do not have that luxury. So life will be a little less comfy in some ways, but the peace of mind you will have, not being tied to the whims of an unreliable alcoholic, is (as they say) "priceless."

Only you can decide where your true priorities lie. A short-lived, miserable marriage is not going to give you much more financial security than you have now. Most places, when the marriage is brief there will be relatively little in the way of property rights or right to alimony, so getting married would not necessarily be the answer.

Jenibean87

Meh. I didn't mean to imply that marriage was the answer to my problems. I meant that not being married, in some ways, puts me at a disadvantage because of my circumstances. I DO mean to imply that I want a marriage and a partner and children of my own in the near future, and that I am disheartened by, yet again, another delay in that dream.

In regards to my old job, I have since moved across the country to an area that doesn't offer opportunity in my skill set. The yoga immersion is part of my 500-hour yoga teacher training certificate, designed to gain me eventual employment out here. So, as much as it is a therapeutic tool for me, it is also a step I took some months back toward gaining independence through employment.

For whatever it's worth, I am not overly concerned with a "comfy" lifestyle as I am with the failing relationship at hand due to alcoholism. And my emotions regarding nearly a decade of my life spent with someone who I have deeply loved coming to an end. Financials are a deterrent to leaving, but they do not compare to the emotional attachment I have for this man and this life we have built (regardless of of how trivial that life may seem...)

ErinGoBragh

You must be financially independent. That is the only way to remove yourself from this situation. I know what it is like to be at a financial disadvantage, but I went out and got a job.

My first job was working at a food stand in a mall food court. From there, I went to work for an attorney who paid me crap and gave me no benefits. From there, I started networking, honing my skills, getting my degree, and doing whatever it took to get a job.

I spent about three years fighting. But I never gave up the fight. Today, I have a decent government job. Okay benefits, paid vacation, paid sick leave, paid holidays.

Is it great? Not that great. But I was able to walk away from an alcoholic who was getting worse.

He died in January. I was financially independent. Poor? I guess to some it may seem that way, but to me I am wealthy beyond imagination. I have a small apartment, I have decent food on my table, I have a reliable car, I have health insurance through my employer that only costs me about $40 a month.

I, too, had a long-term marriage. But after putting up with so much alcoholic insanity, I no longer had a marriage relationship. I was so tired of the craziness. I decided I owed myself peace and sanity.

Only you can make the choice of how you proceed. But, I assure you, life is far better when your feelings aren't tied to an addict's behavior.

maia1234

JB- We all get what you are saying here. You love your significant other and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and it only gets worse, never better.

We all love our A's and have lived crazy lives with them. We reach out because we go crazy living with the crazies. Once we find that there is a normal life outside, and we can obtain it, it gives us hope.

I do feel your pain, I just divorced my A after 34 years together. It kills me everyday. He blows off my children now, and that kills me. But I have to detach and stay out of his life. At 50 years old, I am starting over. I sleep, I smile, I have a little home with my dog. My life is sooooo calmer. No drama, no fights, no disappointments, no lies, no dirty looks or comments. No hitting my bed when he was drunk stumbling in the dark room. I don't have much, but I have peace and that is worth everything to me.

I still love my A, and pray everyday that he finds serenity. But life is no longer controlled by his addictions. Try and hit some alanon meetings. Keep reading and educating yourself. Only you can make the decision to finally move on in your life. You have to be ready to fully execute your plan. It only took me about 20 years of threatening divorce, to finally do it. It was a year of 2 alanon and 2 open aa meetings a week, plus SR to finally have enough strength to do it.

I wish you peace and happiness!!

FeelingGreat

Jeni, until you have financial independence you won't have a choice whether to leave or stay. It seems that there could be a scenario where you want to leave but can't, even if it's not happening now. Financial independence is the key to your future, whatever your circumstances.
I suggest you put your energies into how you can achieve this. If you don't want to leave your A right now, you might consider making regular financial arrangements with him and taking up study in a field that pays a reasonable wage. If you're going to stay, make sure you make the most of it.

redatlanta

It sounds as if when you separated before that he was fully financially supportive.

Would it be possible now that he has relapsed to discuss giving you a lump sum of money to take care of yourself? Seems if he was willing to support then he may be willing to do something now even before you have left or have made a decision to leave.

I totally understand that the emotional aspect is weighing much heavier for you, perhaps having a rainy day fund will help you in the coming weeks/months while you make a decision about what to do.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you are hurting but it sounds like this isn't a long-term situation with him still actively drinking.

I understand wanting to teach yoga, but is that a realistic expectation for a living wage job right after certification?
The yoga teachers I know spend years in part time work or making sub-living wage to do what they love.

It might be wiser to think about another type of job first.
Talking to him as red suggests about the issue might also give you the money to finish the certification and reset your life.

As others are saying, as long as he is controlling the money he is, in sense, controlling you.
It doesn't seem an "accident" to me you were left of the deed to the second house.

velma929

You say there are no jobs for your skill set where you currently live.

Is a career teaching yoga realistically going to support you? Are yoga teachers in such demand where you are that you'll get a job doing that?

It sounds like rationalization to do take no action and continue on the same path you're on. That's your choice, but it is a choice.

hopeful4

Just sending you warm hugs today....XXX

AnvilheadII

I have paid good money to do this yoga immersion and retreat, that takes me all the way to July with obligations here. I am entirely financially dependent on him.

so did YOU pay for the yoga, or did that come out of his pocket?

i'm a pragmatic realist with strong problem solving tendancies....and i don't see how the $$ you would make as a yoga instructor is going to fully fund rent, utilities, gas, food, insurance, etc. i think it's wonderful that you truly enjoy it and want to be an instructor, but that's not a full time gig and it won't pay the bills.

i've never been completely financially dependent on someone in adulthood so it is hard for me to put myself in your shoes. but it must be hard for you also to simply LEAP into the life of the gainfully employed, independent, etc. i noticed that the one option you did mention to 'separate" was go to back home to the folks. again, in a supported, non-independent position. i'm curious if you have lived much time completely on your own?