12stepwife

My husband came home in December from 3 mos in rehab. He has 7 months sober and he relapsed today. I'm devastated, my heart is broken. He's been depressed for a few days because his son sent him a letter sAying he wants no contact with him. His son is hurt and angry for a lifetime of these ups and downs and says he needs time to work through his feelings. Not that an A needs an excuse to drink but this set him off. I'm at a loss. I just don't know where we go from here. Right now he's drunk and angry because I told him he broke my heart. Old behavior started immediately, slamming doors, throwing things, yelling. He will be sooooo sorry tomorrow and I will hear the same old thing..."it's just one time, it won't happen again". I'm just lost right now.

Sikofit

I am so sorry.

airwick

All I can do is pray---and wish you well. You are in my thoughts and how ever you handle his relapse may "only good" things come of it

Duckygirl1

(((Hugs))) I'm so sad to see this.

We have to remember, rehab only gets them clean. There is a big difference between abstinence and sobriety. Obviously, he still needs help learning how to process life. Is he in therapy? Are you safe with him? Please take care of yourself before anything. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to get a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel and have it snatched away.

ErinGoBragh

I went through this 4.5 years before I walked out for good. I pinned all my hopes and dreams on my husband remaining sober. He relapsed again and again and again. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Until you reach that point, and let him do what he will do, you will continue to have the heartache. I'm very sorry, but it's true.

I wanted my life back more than I wanted his sobriety. I was suffocating from the insanity of his alcoholism and my own codependency.

His old behavior began. But didn't yours as well? I mean, telling him he broke your heart ... well, isn't that you putting the responsibility for your happiness on his sobriety? Sure, he broke your heart. My AH did that to me time and time again until I refused to let him do it any longer.

My AH died in January. He drank himself to death. I went no contact the final year of his life. He was in even worse shape than I imagined. But I owed myself the right to have a peaceful happy life. He was incapable of giving that to me in active addiction.

I love him and miss him. But I am at peace. I respected his right to drink, even though it cost him his life. His life. His choice.

dandylion

12stepwife....does he go to AA on a daily basis and does he have a sponsor that he talks to? Does he have a counselor?

Are you attending alanon or any type of group or support therapist?


What is wrong with getting right back on the horse?

dandylion

FeelingGreat

What's next for you 12step? Can you go through another round of getting your hopes up, then the devastating letdown? How typical of an A to resort to alcohol when his son tells him he wants space because of the alcohol. It's just frustrating.

Look after yourself while he's behaving aggressively won't you? I hope feeling sorry includes cleaning up in the morning.

egreen

It looks like rehab didnt work. It doesnt work for a lot of people because they do it for the spouse, the career or job, the kids, save the marriage, get out of doing jail time. Another note is that just because someone is sober dont mean they are all together or does it mean they are healthy or recovered. I have seen some real sick 25yr sober people. In my exp I found that people have to hit a bottom. Maybe its time for you to move out and get a divorce on the move. Get his eyes open and coherent enough to understand the ramifications of his actions. The family is just as sick as the abuser that is why there are programs out there to support families and teens. To be quite honest and frank, sobriety these days happens to fewer and fewer people. Whats there to do, people do stay sober and they are happy with no need or urge to drink. Maybe its time for your husband to do another expensive stint in rehab, could try 12 step meetings, rational recovery, smart recovery, avrt. He must want it bad enough to do it themselves.

Latte

Oh I totally get how his son's behavior could push him over the edge. I'm not saying I support his actions, just that I understand.

I really do agree that you might want to try Al Anon.

My thoughts are with you.

shil2587

How long has this relapse lasted so far? 7 months of sobriety is 7 months of success and hard work. It won't be forgotten easily. There's nothing stopping both of you finding your separate ways back to that. Where there's life, there's hope.

happybeingme

I am sorry to hear your husband relapsed. I am impressed in how his son honored himself and his feelings though. We alcoholics cause a lot of heartache with our addiction and it is wrong to assume that everyone will just be so grateful when we quit that they will just put aside their hurts and go on as if life is now awesome.

Your husband had 7 months. He could have handled it much better. At this point it really is a matter of accepting he has a million choices he can make but drinking isn't one of them.

LadyinBC

I am so sorry to hear this. Make sure you are looking after yourself first. What are you doing for you?

maybear

I'm so sorry.
When my husband relapsed, I felt that heartbreak of having everything ripped away. All the hopes unravelled. I've only been through it once, I can't imagine it happening again and again.
I hope he either takes swift and serious action to get back on the horse and if not, that you have good support for yourself to determine your next step.

guava

I'm so sorry - I would have had my hopes up too with a three month rehab stay and seven months sober - which has to make the relapse all the more heartbreaking.

I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know I feel for you and am sorry this happened. (((Hugs)))

redatlanta

I am sure that was a painful letter to receive; however, its just an excuse to get drunk.

I'm sure he'd been looking for one for a while relapses begin a long time before they actually happen.

Hugs to you and sorry.

knowthetriggers

I am sorry you are hurting. Many of us have been down this road again and again.

As other posters suggested and/or asked, are you doing something for you? Alanon, therapy?

((((hugs))))

tomsteve

It wasn't the letter that got him drunk.
It could have been expectations- that going to rehab and making changes was gonna make everyone in his life forgive him.
But even that would be an excuse.
It seems to me it had more to do with using alcohol for a long time as a solution for situations like this and instead of looking for a solution elsewhere he said ,"f-it."

When I got sober, I had hope some day poeple would be able to forgive me for my actions, but no expectations. Why would anyone forgive me for what I did and how I was? How was 3,6,9 months without a drink going to show that I was not who I was?
It wasn't.
That required action and T.I.M.E.

I highly suggest not joining in the pity party he will probably be having. He may be kikin himself in the arse, but PLEASE don't baby him. Its what i wanted. Joinjng in the pity party, making excuses for my behavior, and giving me sympathy were things that helped me keep " them" hostage.
Don't fall for the ," it won't happen again" crap. I think I only said that about 5396 times and ," I'm sorry" 298643 times. And " I promise..." once or twice......a week or so.
And I kept repeating the actions. Kept it up as when " they" just forgave me it was ," PHEW!!!! Glad I got through that!!! "

jarp

Relapse happens. It's more likely than not, according my my RAH's addiction psych.

As she said to me when my RAH relapsed after a similar amount of time to yours...it's what he does after the relapse that is important. He has a choice...he will choose to keep walking down one path, or the other. Hopefully after 3 months rehab and 7 months sober your Husband has learned some things about sobriety, recovery, life, coping mechanism, triggers etc etc and he'll be able to wake in the morning, pick himself up and keep going.

I'm sorry this happened. I know well how awful it feels. You have the right to make your choices too. One relapse may be one too many for you. Only you know this. Had you thought about what you'd do if he relapsed? Did you and your Are discuss this at all? Did he have a plan for if this happened?

Jenibean87

I'm in a similar situation currently, and feeling the heart ache, so I understand and empathize with your loss. Because it is a loss: of hope and dreams of a stable, sober, loving partner.

Rather than what he does, or doesn't do, what are YOU going to do to care for YOU? How can you help yourself while he sorts his life out one way or another? What do you want for YOU? These are the driving questions that keep me from taking the relapse personally, and put into perspective the fact that we can have stable, happy lives, and that it is NOT dependent on the A. It is dependent on us, and our choices.

Many hugs. I'm so sorry.

freetosmile

I remember the relapse. I was devastated. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, stay true to you, and remember:
1. Didn't cause it
2. Can't change it
3. Can't control it
Hugs!