He's home ...
 

My AB got home from t b e treatment center Monday. Today he went to see a counselor, they scheduled him for next week to get assesed . We spendt the day fishing, it was nice. He's been sober a week. He is at an AA meeting right now.
He serms very distant. I don't know. I do love him, im just unsure of everythig right now. So many things are bothering me. So many ... I dont know what to do with all of it. I dont want to overwhelm him ....
WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO??? Im having with things that happened the 3 weeks he was drinking and the selfish things he doing now. What do i do??

I think its not unusual to be a little strange after returning from treatment. He is in a fog.

Its just an unfortunate situation and unfair because you want to discuss things and he is distant.

I'd give it a few days.

You might want to look into Al-anon meetings for yourself. They can help you learn how to take care of yourself and work your own program of recovery while your boyfriend is working his. Just like AA, it is nice for the family to have some face-to-face support. too.

Im going to start al-anon next week. Im asking him if hell set us up with this church counselor hes going to see in the morning.

Shelli, you don't have to do anything. Wait and see what happens, and in the meantime, work on your own mental health. I've heard that post-rehab can be difficult for the A and family, so in a way, what's happening is on track.

He has been alcohol free for 7 days? Jeez they just stopped medicating him. I know when I quit my brain wasn't even beginning to function right at that point. It took me three weeks to start feeling human again.

I agree with Al Anon.

My thoughts are with you.

I'm really confused how I'm suppose to attempt to even try to make it work with him without working through what happened. He needs to work himself, I need to work on my self but I can't even see a light of us working out If we don't work on us. I can't pretend the past month didn't happen and smile like all is ok. His problem effects me also, in a big way. Just forget it and drop it again??? Is treatment for a few days just the out card, not for me anymore. I don't know about this anymore. I do know I can't get over what is eating me up inside without working it out in someway.

You as a couple will probably have to take the backburner spot for a long time so you can both work on yourselves as individuals.

I totally understand that unresolved, broken, unsettled feeling about the relationship...and why you want that part fixed sooner than later. It doesn't seem to work that way though and really, if he was actively drinking, and you were actively living with that problem, then you are more than used to dealing with a broken relationship.

Now is the time for patience for the relationship - or action if you just want out (we'd understand that too) - priority for him is him. Priority for you is you. SUPER selfish, I know - but again, not much different from when he was drinking, except now there is a chance. If he can do this, and if you can do this, then the relationship will naturally follow if that is what you are meant for. (((HUGS)))) that waiting place sucks.

Shellis, that's what therapy and al-Anon is for. His stint in medical detox does nothing more than safely get him off the alcohol. The two of you have to embark on your recoveries now.

No one is saying to just suck it up and forget what happened but mentally, emotionally, and physically he is in no shape to deal with both your hurt and his own. In time if he is serious about sobriety than you two will work on those things but right now you need to figure out a way to deal with your without his help.

Shellis,

I think you have to work through what happened and be able to discuss it. My husband and I started marriage counseling, and it was recommended by his addiction doctor. Communicating and working on the relationship is important for both people in terms of recovery. Our doctor says we are a team, and we have to work together to get through it intact.

Hi Shellizoo,

I totally get where you are at, it is exactly how I felt when my husband came home from the hospital after detoxing.

And what I found, there was NO support for me, it was as though I was supposed to just somehow drop it and carry on like normal, while inside I was in complete turmoil.

It's not easy and to be honest it sent me slightly crazy. Personally I chose to put physical distance between my husband and I after 6 months of him being supposedly in recovery. However I left it too long to take care of me, as in that time I lost myself and I also felt as though I lost my sanity.

I'm not saying this to trigger you or make it worse, I know there are people who get through it, however what I AM saying is get yourself some support. Right now.

Preferably Al Anon because the people there understand what you are going through where others don't. Also any other kind of counselling and support you need.

Don't isolate yourself as I did - keep talking to your trusted friends or members of your own family who you trust (although even they will not understand fully) and post here.

As for the relationship, I don't know. Of course it would need to be discussed and worked out, however I agree that now is probably not the time (although I don't know anything for sure).

I am a great believer in always being open and expressing my feelings, processing as I go, however addiction is kind of crazy so I don't know if that helps a whole lot here (although it may help you if you can do it without going off on anyone else, including him).

Do whatever you can to take care of you.

One day at a time as they say. You will know when it's time to make big decisions about the relationship.

Sending you love and hugs.

He was sober and finding his way for 7 months. Then one day decided he could casually drink. Three and weeks later, many nigjts of hom coming home when tbe bar closes or just to pass out and $4500.00 later. Dont worry he'll buy everyone a drink. Only paying one $230 bill and $113. In groceries. I feel so sovery disrespected and totally uncared for but its ok because we are sober today no need to really talk about. Im numb, disconnected and i just dont know. I guess it will never be me first. Im not ok with always standing in the corner and being responsible one. The one that cleans up the messes. I dont think its asking to much to see someone for us. He thinks if he gets better ill be ok, im not going to last that long feeling the way i do right now. Im not good with not expressing how i feel. I dont blame, yell, or degrade him. I say how i feel and just want to be heard and acknowledged. I hurt!!!!

Shelli, you don't have to stay just because he went to treatment. Any time you've had enough, you are totally within your rights to walk away. Not because of him, or what he did, but because you don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I know your whole dilemma with the apartment and all, but it's really up to you whether having the apartment is worth being in a relationship you don't want. From the way you were talking for the past few weeks, all you wanted was to get him OUT of there.

It's your life, and your choices, but it doesn't seem to me that you want HIM particularly, any more.

Sad thing is ... I think your right. I'm not sure I want him anymore. The past few weeks he took so much from me from us. When he was drinking I wished I could say that one thing that would make him go Damn and stop. I know I couldn't but I wished. Now I'm hoping He will say that one thing That will make me feel loved and give me hope but I don't think he can. Can I live for the rest of my life like this?? He can go do whatever he wants,come here to crash, put us in a hole and it just be ok?? I'm not ok. I'm Not ok at all.
I just want lay in his arms and feel safe and like everything's going to be ok, but I don't think it is anymore. Will that change? Am I giving up to fast, it'd Bern a year and half which most of it he's been sober. He has tried hard, I just don't think he's ready ... I just don't know if I can do this anymore ... I want more ...

So you want more. That's fine. That's totally reasonable. You don't "owe" him something because he might recover. I think it's very easy to feel like we are somehow "weak" if we walk away rather than "toughing it out." What is the POINT? Who are we trying to prove something to? And WHAT are we trying to prove?

Personally, I think the smart thing to do is to recognize when your heart just isn't in it any more and walk away before you waste any more of your precious life being in a relationship that isn't satisfying for you. You're longing for a fantasy that is unlikely to be realized. Even if he totally commits to sobriety it will be a very long haul, and there's a good chance you won't want to spend the rest of your life with the person he becomes.

You don't have to wait until you hate him. You can simply tell him, kindly, that you don't want to be in a relationship with him any more, that you wish him the very best, but it's time to move on.

EXACTLY how I felt!

It's hard.

And in the end I realised it is my life and I DO want more.

For me the hardest thing was feeling guilty thinking that if I left it would somehow cause him to relapse (stinking thinking right?).

However staying was not healthy or good for either of us.

I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't cause it, can't control it and I cannot cure it.

So I can make my decisions based on what's best for me. Because in the end that is all I can do, and that is best for everyone else anyway.

It was / is still kinda tough though.

I so understand all of that. I know if I leave he will definitely start drinking again, he has even told me that. His kids have told me that. I know it's not my responsibility but ... I wanted this for so long, he finally says will you give us a chance if I get sober? I was so happy ... He did, we moved I'm together Then he relapses and I walk away? When he is sober we hardly ever argue. Its his self centeredness, selfish and self absorbed part I don't like. I was hoping in time that would change, that's all part of being an addict. He has a lot of good characteristics that I love. I do think there is a part of this that is fantasy .... Parts that will never come true. We live on a very small island we are a love story couple ... The best friends that the so sweet drunk got sober for So they could have a normal life. The sweet drunk that sat on the barstool everyday all day and drank over 1/2 gallon of rum a day got sober for love. Some want us to make and some want us to crash and burn. Not that anyone else matters, it's just a good story that I think plays into my head some times ... He tried so hard, he slipped and she walked away. No one see the other side of what Its like when I'm home alone dealing with stuff and he's drinking at the bar being so nice. No one understands the other side of the coin. I do love him, I'm just not sure anymore this will work. Pieces of me broke in the past few weeks. I don't look at him the same way, I don't like the addict side of him. But they are the same guy ....

YES! To all of this.

I get it. That is what it was like for me too.

No-one looking in knows what the other side of the coin is like, they have no idea.

And I understand the feeling of part of your broke too.

I don't have any advice about what you could do with your relationship. I do understand 'the story' though and feeling the weight of everyone else looking in.

My ex is still pretending to everyone he is in recovery, so it looks to all like I wanted him to get sober, he did and then I just left.

However I know the truth and I won't live my life for what other people think.

Just know that we understand.

Hugs.