CodeJob

I highly recommend a personal counselor for you. I think if you walk through your personal history and the relationship history, you might realize how you bought into a glossed over reality. A lot of what you want in a relationship, this addict can only provide you sporadically.

It hurts. But this man may always need to put his recovery and day to day recovery skills first - before you. You will not be the center of his world.

I personally felt Al Anon in tandem with counseling is best at the point you are at (having been there myself).

Peace and clarity Shelli.

Shelliszoo

I am just so glad to have someone understand, I'm not feeling good about this and honestly about myself. What kind of person does that make me? One that just walks way when he is honestly trying. We get this far abd u bail out? I still don't know what I'm going to. What if this is the time he stays sober? Will I always have to be in the back seat? I'm not high maintenance ... But what happened the past few weeks I'm not ok with!! One more chance , I don't know yet. So disconnected.

Hawkeye13

Your feelings matter--

AliWProk

Shell, maybe you're thinking too far into the future. Sit with this today. You don't have to make any decisions about the rest of your life now. Just think about the kind of life you want.

I left my XAH in 2010, before he even showed signs of serious alcoholism. It was the lying that drove me off. Only after we divorced did I discover how bad his drinking had become, and it got worse, much worse, from there. He has tried to stop several times in the past 2 years, and has relapsed just about every time he was left alone after detox and outpatient therapy. He has never bothered to work on himself, work a program, go to counseling, AA, nothing.

Only since the New Year 2015 has the family bailout machine come to a screeching halt. His parents no longer pay his mortgage, his child support, his living expenses. He has no job. I honestly don't know how he's paying for anything. He has seizures, so he's lost his license (maybe he sold the car?). He has a bench warrant for unpaid child support, and is facing at least 90 days in jail if/when he gets picked up. Even with these consequences (and I'm not even going to get into the health issues), he's drinking.

One thing I can guarantee, he's not thinking about me, or his kids, or our feelings. And may never. So I had to pick myself up and create a nice life for my son and me. I remarried, and my son loves his step-dad. We see his half-sister regularly. Life is good, peaceful, happy even.

I will always care. I will always wish the best for him. But it's in God's hands now.

firebolt

Normies divorce all of the time. There are many other reasons than addiction that people end up in miserable lives together. You don't owe him anything because he is trying *now. You want and need a healthy life on YOUR timeframe - not his. (((HUGS)))

Shelliszoo

I just don't want to go through this again ... Right now I'm nowhere near thinking I can Get over this. How long is going to take me to figure this out?? I want out of my head!

Shelliszoo

I do have to make this about me now. I'm trying .... I guess. It's ok to wait for awhile longer. I'm just not happy in limbo, I just don't know anymore ... I just want to laugh and smsmile!!! I want to stop thinking about this. Its all just not that easy.

Shelliszoo

I want to count ... I need to count ... I'm thinking we are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Doesnt mean there is no there just means I have to let him go ...
I'm just all over the place!!!

firebolt

I feel for you - I am also in limbo. I am comfortable here right now, but I DO NOT want to be here forever. So much empathy.

NYCDoglvr

The last thing he should be dealing with right now (seven days!) is a relationship issue. For the first 90 days (at least) his entire focus must be on not picking up a drink. I hope you try Alanon.

Shelliszoo

No al anon meetings any place near my town. I also agree that he doesn't need this right now. However, we have lived together for a year and half. Most of which he was sober. Slipped twice but just for the weekend, thi a time it was three weeks. So, its not that's a New rekationship, if that makes a difference. I don't know.

CarmenLove

Living in the question is the hardest thing to do.

However I think if you make rash decisions you may regret it or doubt yourself later.

I find Youtube videos of The Work by Byron Katie help me 'get out of my head'.

CarmenLove

I think SMART recovery offer online meetings for family and friends.

Shelliszoo

I will look up the utube guy and Google smart recovery. I know with out a doubt that I need help with this. I'm home now, he is being sweet as usual, I just feel out if place , backward and It's not good. He said he'll give me time to deal with this. I've been very up front about how I feel. The problem is, I'm all over the place and I just don't know. How the heck does some one not know?? Very frustrated ...

Shelliszoo

Last was silent. He said he was to tired to go to AA. I'm not pushing any issues, I didn't even talk about the things I want to. I'm feeling awkward and just numb still. I feel so alone yet he's sitting right next to me. Last night was just so silent. Its never felt like this before ...

Refiner

There is NOTHING wrong with answering your very last question with a YES. Good Lord, the position you've been put in -- that if you leave he WILL drink... what a crock of sh!t. That is SO disrepectful and sure makes it tough to respect him. Face it, if you stay you're going to be looking over your shoulder 24/7 just waiting for the other shoe to drop... is THAT the relationship you really want? If he says he'll drink if you leave, he is NOT in recovery. He's just not drinking.

Refiner

You're STILL in the back seat... him manipulating you and making you so powerful that if you leave the bottle will fly to his lips and the alcohol will go down his throat. Ridiculous.

Shelliszoo

Thanks, ive been wondering how thats suppise to work. He really is not recovering hes just not drinking. When we talked last time after rehab i talked about his friends and did he y hink there will be a day when he sees them, they call or text that he will respond with, im sorry, im trying to stay sober so hanging out with you or going to the bar isnt whats best for me. Instead he says ya, i might see you up there or i cant go tonight maybe next time . i explained that would be a big step. He said they have all been friends for years, hes not going to that. But thats not what he says in his rehab papers to them at discharge. I really feel thats he is putting on a show for everyone but it can only be temporary ... Hes not diving in at all. My intution is telling me this is BS. My heart loves him and wants him to be heathly. My heart sucks!!! I dont want to follow it ...

Shelliszoo

I know im sounding naive and just plain dumb. Im not i was just in love ... I was blind, i still am but im starting to open my eyes. I just keep closing them, I honestly dont want to. I want to bang my head againts the wall and say what are you doing ...
I think im getting there ... I really do.

dandylion

Shelli....considering his attitude...I would predict that he will return to drinking.

Shelli....you can count on this: YOU are going to be blamed when he does drink!
If you leave....he will blame you.
If you stay...he will still blame you for it,,,,,,,,,

This is all a part of his disease. His denial....his projection of blame onto others....

dandylion