ghosseir

I have been thinking about what is non-negotiable and was wondering what boundaries people have set with their "As" and how did you communicate them? Did you have a sit down discussion or was it an evolving conversation about what you would not put up with?

Thank you all..... I don't post much but read very often... everyone is so helpful.... I have been here for a few years, still struggling but making a bit of progress. It's now time to formalize boundaries....

ladyscribbler

"My" A was no great respecter of boundaries. Anything I tried to enforce always got me paid back later. The only boundary that worked was "I will not live in a home with active alcoholism."
I did try to communicate that to him, but he ignored it and chose to remain in denial, even after I left. I told him I wouldn't live with him if he was drinking. Not much to misinterpret there, but in later conversations he claimed not to understand. He actually said, "When was me not drinking ever a condition?" (of me and our son staying in the home with him). I told him it was always the only condition. Ultimately alcohol was more important to him than having a family.
Two things- Remember that boundaries are for you, they're not "rules" for someone else to follow. The most effective boundaries are the ones that you are willing and able to consistently enforce.
Boundaries are not miracle workers. They will not magically make someone behave in ways that are desirable to you, so managing expectations is important.

SparkleKitty

I never bothered communicating my boundaries to the A's in my life. They aren't for them, they are for me, and it's not up to someone else to enforce them. For me, I don't bother expending time and effort trying to make sure no one ever crosses my boundaries -- that is controlling and fruitless. I put all of that focus into what *I* choose to do *when* my boundaries are inevitably crossed.

AliWProk

My boundaries are/were: I will not live with an active alcoholic. I will not allow my son unsupervised with his father if he is actively drinking. I will not speak to him or have any contact when he's been drinking (so, never).

AnvilheadII

i think with boundaries that less is more....when dealing with a specific person. you mentioned non-negotiable....do you know clearly in YOUR mind what is truly non-negotiable FOR YOU?

when it comes to A's and drinking, boudnaries can be challenging....we can decide that we no longer wish to assoicate or spend time with someone who has been drinking - so what then? do we ask the inebriated person to leave the house and possibly drive while under the influence? do we leave our selves? is our house big enough where we can move to another floor or wing and be far enough away to have some peace? and if this is an every day thing, is that really a solution???

we can decide we want an alcohol free home, but if they live there as well, they have as much right to BRING alcohol in and much as you desire for it to be OUT. so again, then what? toss it out the window? that's not so much a boundary as a reaction. do we send them to the garage? or do we once again, leave?

for me it was always....and go WHERE? library? hotel? that gets expensive after a while. denny's and drink coffee til 4am? what about work the next day?

boundaries are there to keep us safe and sane....but they can only do so much if the other party continues to behave in the exact same manner. we may then see that we can no longer peacefully co-exist with THEIR lifestyle and THEIR choices. we can ask them to make changes, but they don't HAVE to........and then.......it's up to us.

happybeingme

My boundaries are simple. I am the A but I have been sober nearly 4 years now. My husband drinks and sometime s likes to get drunk. I don't care but I will not hang out with him when he is drunk, nor be intimate, or have serious conversations. But that is only when he is drunk. A drink with dinner or what have you bothers me not at all.

My big boundary is though I won't deal with crazy. I am codependent and a chaos junkie. So, the boundary of no crazy was important to my recovery. I change subject, hang up the phone, or walk away. Not my monkey not my circus is my mantra.

FeelingGreat

Think about what really destroys your quality of life. Is it that he's drunk, or that you have to share a house with him when he's drunk? Is it that he drives under the influence? Maybe you have to run around cleaning up his messes? Maybe he spends joint money on drinking?

Think about what you can do to isolate yourself from that behaviour. You could take steps to isolate some of the finances, take away his keys if possible, stop cleaning up his mess etc. One thing you can't do is control his drinking, so take practical steps to improve your life.

redatlanta

When my A relapsed I didn't know what I know now. I did set one boundary - no driving while drinking. This is a boundary my RAH had set with me (I am not an alcoholic) when he moved in. He at that time was very adamant about "his" boundaries so his rule was if I met with friends or whatever even if I had only one drink no driving - get a ride, take a cab, or he would come and get me.

I thought the same would be observed when I made the boundary but NO - it was not. The last night he drank he got wasted and drove MY car all over this town.

The next day my new boundary was "get out". For me I came to realize that these small boundaries (not to minimize drunk driving) were merely putting a band aid on the situation and required complicity which I only got lip service for. I didn't want to live with an alcoholic so I skipped to the end.

Sunrise89

I've realised that I spent 6 years trying to control my AH's drinking (haha, what a complete waste of time) and the psychologist told me I have no boundaries... he was pretty right until now.

I've decided that my boundary is, 'I am not prepared to have my children and myself in a dysfunctional environment'. So basically, if my other half leaves rehab and begins to get back into old ways, he can move out and if he disagrees - then I will move out with the children. I've done so much research into ACoA and the effects are just devastating that I am not prepared to try and fix my husband anymore. HIS health is his problem now, he can be commited to recovery because I have given up trying to help him (ultimately, it's not even helping him - more like enabling him).

I'm also financially separating myself from him now just incase he goes back into old ways. He's such a great man when he's sober so let's hope he stays that way

daydreamer0217

I had no boundaries my whole life. I m just starting. slowly... baby steps... I started by blocking him from calling me and leaving me daily devotions on my phone. I asked him to stop calling, he didn't honor my wishes, so I blocked him. It is a start

suncatcher

My main boundary is not living with an active A. I also leave when he gets annoying or puts me down. He is treating me better since I started detaching from his crazyness and I don't react when he tries to push my buttons. Life is more peaceful since I now live alone and removed myself from the chaos. Another boundary I need to work on is not giving him money or buy his beer and smokes.

FireSprite

The more comfortable I get in recovery the more simplified my boundaries become. I don't know if it feels this way for everyone, but I no longer feel the need to set boundaries for every single individual situation/action/whatever. I don't need a lot of detail anymore (I did though, I had to be highly detailed at first in order to understand how relaxed I had been about boundaries)..... I can think in terms of broad strokes now.


I won't accept ongoing unacceptable behavior. (we all have bad days, I can be patient through a bad mood or rough patch)

I won't give freely of myself or my time when the efforts aren't appreciated or valued. I won't allow energy vampires to suck me dry - friends, family, coworkers.

I won't put myself or my child in danger - which includes things like riding with a driver that has been drinking.

I won't be bullied or rushed into making decisions or respond to efforts to emotionally manipulate me. (i.e. my mom's old guilt trip tactics)

I WILL always have my own private savings for financial peace of mind.

I WILL examine my decisions in life through the lens of what my daughter sees, knowing that it all has bearing on how she defines acceptable behavior, self-love, healthy relationships. I strive to be the kind of parent that can say, "Do as I say because I walk my own talk" rather than "Do as I say, not as I do".