maybear

I don't think alcoholism can be compared to cancer. There is choice involved.
He can also choose treatment for his disease, seeing the devastating impacts it is causing to himself and others.

I hope he seeks help and gets his act together so you guys can have a long and happy future together.

Hugs.

AnvilheadII

my best friend from 7th grade (we are 55 now) was just diagnosed with a very rare uterine cancer and the prognosis is NOT good.....nor did they say, well if you just STOP doing this one thing it will go away. I work in a cancer research and none of my "experts" had even heard of her type of cancer. she undergoes a full hysterectomy tomorrow and then onto intensive chemotherapy. she may not survive this for very long.

if the alcoholic/addict STOPS taking the substance, they have a chance at a full recovery and beautiful life. it's the only DISEASE that can be put into complete remission by stopping ONE thing. a complete choice.

HIS choice was to slam a bunch of vodka and then the next day QUIT his job, and go back home and DRINK more. with no regard for his new wife, his financial position or anything.........

Duckygirl1

I was just talking to a friend about all of the cultural messages that we get like "for better or worse" and how there is so much needless suffering because of misinterpretations. Look for the thread coming soon. For better or worse does not mean people should not be accountable for their actions. It does not mean that they can Areca havoc unchecked and un challenged. It does not mean that they through willful actions may put their household in finacial ruin. The key being that they have the ability, but have chosen not to take responsibility. The church does not grant annulments for a person who wants to leave their spouse because they have cancer ( Sparklekitty I love ya! Buying more cancer! I'm never going to forget that) you WILL get an annulment for abandonment. That is what your husband is doing. He has effectively walked out on the marriage and household in favor of the bottle.

Be angry, I'd be po'd beyond belief! You have that right! You already seem like you know what you want to do, it's just a matter of pulling the trigger. They lived long lives before they met us and will live long after. Worry about yourself now and don't feel bad about doing so. ((Hugs))

redatlanta

.If this is a disease (and I've never been convinced it nessessarily is) why would I leave? "Oh u have cancer? Oh forget it...I'm dumping u".... If we believe it is a disease would we do that to someone who has cancer?

You know it depends on the situation. I have an Aunt that divorced my Uncle over smoking. He did get cancer - bladder cancer which is directly tied to cigarette smoking. Went through a year and a half of treatment including 2 surgeries. He got his remission papers and started smoking again.

If you have ever been a caretaker of this level of illness its exhausting. She stuck by him with all the doctor visits, illness, everything. At times she looked worse than him.

His rationale was his chances of being a double winner were unlikely (not sure where he got that) and he was a grown man who could do what he wanted. Her opinion was she didn't sign up to watch him destroy himself and their marriage - depend on her to exhaust herself so that he could puff away. Live in anxiety waiting for what was assured to happen then have to deal with another year and a half of hell on earth due to a CHOICE. I think she fell out of love with him honestly if she had found out he was screwing around I think it wouldn't have been as hurtful. They did divorce. He trucked along for about 2 years before it hit and this time there was no chemo or surgeries because it had spread and there was nothing that could be done.

The "disease" correlation is not always accurate and depends on perspective. its funny to me the way society views alcoholism vs. other diseases. I think alcoholism gets a very broad 'forgiveness" level. I have told several people this same story and the response is "I would have divorced him too", but in discussions regarding A's there is more sympathy, less understanding, and belief that it "can't be that bad" or that its not a valid reason to leave a marriage or relationship. Maybe because alcohol is so mainstream I don't know.

What I do know is "in sickness and health" means holding up your end of the bargain toward good health - not living however you damn well please to the detriment of your partner.

IloveRRR

I went home from work yesterday and mu husband was in bed, drunk of course, but awake smoking a cigarette. He was facing away from me when i walked in the bedroom to change my clothes. I am sure he was waiting to see if I was going to speak tohim which i did NOT. (I learned from this site NOT to try and discuss ANYTHING with him when he is drinking). I spent my evening watching TV, talking on the phone, etc. I slept on the couch. This morning I got ready for work while he hid in bed (I knew he wasnt sleeping most of the time as I could hear him walking around etc) but I had no interest in talking to him this morning either. A few minutes ago he texted me that he spoke to his employer and will be going back to work tomorrow. I did not respond to his text. I'm glad he will go back to work but the real issue is we will just go through this again at some point if he does not seek help. And I know I do not want to keep going through it- i know HE doesnt want to keep going through it - he has told me this many times. Then stays sober for awhile, then goes on a bender. And round and round we go. I wish he could find the strength to help himself. Thank you to everyone who commented. This is a great place.

Refiner

Well, I'm sure glad he gets to have the privilege of going back to a job that's beneath him. I'm floored they're taking him back. That was SO unacceptable that he just up and QUIT his job without having another one lined up. You're right that you'll go through it again at some point. Have you set boundaries with him yet? With that little job fiasco he pulled, perhaps one should be that he is a depended upon income-earner for the household and cannot quit a job unless another has been lined up.

IloveRRR

I have not spoken to him. I did finally text him back and asked if he was drinking. I already knew he was- I saw a withdrawl of 10.00 from our bank account. He thinks if he takes CASH to the liquor store he is "getting away with it" except that he uses cash for NOTHING other than alcohol so as soon as I see a cash withdrawl I know whats going on. At any rate- i texted him and asked if he was drinking. That was about 4 hours ago (and 2 hours or so after he texted me) and I have yet to get a response. The answer is, of course, yes. He is in construction and is a master carpenter. It was this way with his last job too- he is very talented and works hard so he ends up getting away with these stunts. I could never pull that with my job- I work for a worldwide company and I would be GONE. Yes, I do plan to set boundries with him however, he has yet to be sober for me to have that discussion! Honestly, if he got another bottle today I dont even know that he will be sober to go to work tomorrow- i dont see it happening.

Refiner

I hope he's not drinking while ON the job?

IloveRRR

As predicted my husband was in bed drunk when i got home from work. He remained there all night. I did go upstairs and ask him if he wanted to go to work today and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted me to get rid of the 1/2 bottle of vodka still sitting next to him, he said yes, but when I took the bottle he said "No, give it back to me". I did. I'm not naive enough to come between an intoxicated A and his alcohol. That was the only interaction we had last night. I slept on the couch again. This morning I went upstairs to shower and dress for work and I lost my temper and yelled at him. There is now about an inch of vodka in the bottle. He has not been drinking on the job btw- thats not his M.O. but don't take that as me complimenting him! I took his keys today. I guess I shouldnt have, but I am not going to let him just keep driving (loaded) to the liquor store. So we will see what today brings.

dandylion

OH, DEAR....IloveRRR.....I just posted a response to you...but, it showed up on the Newcomers forum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how to move it over here to the friends and family forum.....

I don't know h ow this happened!??

dandylion