codependency - beyond the marriage
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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codependency - beyond the marriage
I realized this weekend that my codependency is pretty bad. My ability to tell people "no".....SUCKS!!
When mom came down for my hysterectomy, she ended up buying a car and leaving her old clunker in my driveway. My grandparents (who own the house... I pay my mortgage to them every month) found out that her car was still here and called her to see when she was going to deal with it. She promised them she would have it moved this week.
So she calls me and asks if I will get it moved for her, OR LIE to grandma and grandpa and tell them it was moved.
I really don't have time to deal with her car thing.... But I said.."I'll see what I can do mom".
Why can't I just say what I mean and mean what I say!!!!!? Ahhh! Why do we do this to ourselves!? Where is the strength, where is the courage, where is the "hey, your mom treats you like garbage, why are you doing this for her?"
How do you successfully navigate and overcome your codependency with the outside world? I'm so mad at myself for not saying what I meant...i can feel the resentment really building here.... Ugh
When mom came down for my hysterectomy, she ended up buying a car and leaving her old clunker in my driveway. My grandparents (who own the house... I pay my mortgage to them every month) found out that her car was still here and called her to see when she was going to deal with it. She promised them she would have it moved this week.
So she calls me and asks if I will get it moved for her, OR LIE to grandma and grandpa and tell them it was moved.
I really don't have time to deal with her car thing.... But I said.."I'll see what I can do mom".
Why can't I just say what I mean and mean what I say!!!!!? Ahhh! Why do we do this to ourselves!? Where is the strength, where is the courage, where is the "hey, your mom treats you like garbage, why are you doing this for her?"
How do you successfully navigate and overcome your codependency with the outside world? I'm so mad at myself for not saying what I meant...i can feel the resentment really building here.... Ugh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I don't really have much helpful advice for you, as I have those same tendencies. Try not to beat yourself up over it; and see the fact that you are able to recognize what is happening is a good first step.
I understand how difficult it is to tell people "No."
I understand how difficult it is to tell people "No."
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm still learning. I still have some of the xabf's stuff in a unit that it not actually in my way at home, but it needs to go too. I just re read "this is what addicts do" and it strengthen my resolve. A mom is a hard one. Not really the "outside world". They will never gain the confidence of her ability to handle their own life if we keep lying and fixing. We will never gain peace. Can you have it towed to her?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Yeah. I get it.
I swing between wanting to quit my job because it may be sucking the life from me and moving far away from anyone I know and people in general because they all seem to suck the life from me - and feeling overwhelming lonely.
I swing between wanting to quit my job because it may be sucking the life from me and moving far away from anyone I know and people in general because they all seem to suck the life from me - and feeling overwhelming lonely.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If you have the title you can sell it to a scrapyard. They will remove it for free and cut you a check.
On the no thing, try channeling your inner toddler. We all had the ability to say no at one time until it got guilted out of us.
On the no thing, try channeling your inner toddler. We all had the ability to say no at one time until it got guilted out of us.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I was able to start saying no to my mom when I accepted the fact that the more I said yes the more she would ask of me. And never receive a thank you either. My mother always words it as " I need you to do me a favor" well if it's a favor I guess thanks aren't part of it and since when are favors needs? Going no contact with that woman was the best gift I ever gave myself
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how do you start? take it from THEORY to ACTION:
you pick up the phone, call mom back and say ya know i've given this some thought, and i will not be taking care of the car you left in my driveway. and i will not lie to my grandparents who are also my landlords. so i need you to move the car off the property by xx-xx-xx.
YOU take your power back. NOW. you may not have said NO the first time, but you can now.
you pick up the phone, call mom back and say ya know i've given this some thought, and i will not be taking care of the car you left in my driveway. and i will not lie to my grandparents who are also my landlords. so i need you to move the car off the property by xx-xx-xx.
YOU take your power back. NOW. you may not have said NO the first time, but you can now.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
how do you start? take it from THEORY to ACTION:
you pick up the phone, call mom back and say ya know i've given this some thought, and i will not be taking care of the car you left in my driveway. and i will not lie to my grandparents who are also my landlords. so i need you to move the car off the property by xx-xx-xx.
YOU take your power back. NOW. you may not have said NO the first time, but you can now.
you pick up the phone, call mom back and say ya know i've given this some thought, and i will not be taking care of the car you left in my driveway. and i will not lie to my grandparents who are also my landlords. so i need you to move the car off the property by xx-xx-xx.
YOU take your power back. NOW. you may not have said NO the first time, but you can now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....it might help a bit to remember that it doesn't have to sound "mean" or heartless when we tell someone "no".
LOL!LOL! one thing that I have learned from living in the south is that just about anything can be delivered with a helping of sweetness and delicacy. (it just takes a little bit of practice).
Get my drift?
dandylion
LOL!LOL! one thing that I have learned from living in the south is that just about anything can be delivered with a helping of sweetness and delicacy. (it just takes a little bit of practice).
Get my drift?
dandylion
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
If you have the title you can sell it to a scrapyard. They will remove it for free and cut you a check.
On the no thing, try channeling your inner toddler. We all had the ability to say no at one time until it got guilted out of us.
On the no thing, try channeling your inner toddler. We all had the ability to say no at one time until it got guilted out of us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
This is a lot about us trying to manage other people's behavior. We think if we can do or say it just right, we can "manage/control" the escalation and eventual blow-up. Action trying to control reaction.
I knew my progress was real when:
1. I could say "no" to my A, and let them be responsible for their own behavior.
2. Set a boundary, hold it, and let them be responsible for their own behavior.
3. Give their recovery back to them, and focus on my own recovery and behavior.
(((Hugs, Free)))
I knew my progress was real when:
1. I could say "no" to my A, and let them be responsible for their own behavior.
2. Set a boundary, hold it, and let them be responsible for their own behavior.
3. Give their recovery back to them, and focus on my own recovery and behavior.
(((Hugs, Free)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Goodwill will come pick it up if you can get her to mail you the title.
I'm horribly co dependent and it messes with my poor brain. I'm great at telling others how not to be though. Siggghhh
I'm horribly co dependent and it messes with my poor brain. I'm great at telling others how not to be though. Siggghhh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
In the past I have had problems telling people no too. I realized that it was my fear of confrontation or letting someone down that was the issue. I'm a people pleaser.
What I have found is that saying no never has the severe consequences that I feared. Once I figured that out it got a lot easier.
What I have found is that saying no never has the severe consequences that I feared. Once I figured that out it got a lot easier.
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