It isnt easy living with an AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
It isnt easy living with an AH
I'm trying to work through my thoughts on my AH, in light of my sobriety. My thoughts are all over the place, but they're getting clearer.
Financial goals....Over the years I've used a variety of methods to show him barriers to meeting our goals of ridding debt, saving money for college, and having extra for vacations and clothes: I've tracked every penny coming and going, and extremely time consuming process. I've suggested we cut things from our budget. He's never been willing to make those difficult sacrifices. He's only come up with excuses why we shouldn't, and told me that due to increases in our incomes "this year will be different" - for the past four years. Nothing's different.
Finally I said the only answer then is downsizing. I've been getting the house ready to put on the market. He's done nothing to help prepare.
Instead he said he was going to track our expenses to see exactly where our money was going so we could see what we could cut. I was steaming inside because I did that for four years straight. He told me then why he didn't want to cut back on certain expenses, and how this year things will be different. He's promised that for five years and we haven't seen any improvement. So he offered to come up with a "different" repayment plan for our debt. I feel like it's more empty promises, made to shut me up and protect his status quo.
Intimacy....I've told him my concerns with his self centered approach to intimacy for years. I've given him firm examples about what bothers me and clear suggestions on what would work for me. He has not modified his approach.
I used to be tired of arguing about it and just go along with it. I no longer do that and firmly say no instead. When I say NO, he pouts, sighs and tries to start an argument with me.
Drinking.....He's a binge drinker. Since I quit drinking he's cut back significantly on the number of days a week that he drinks. His drinking it seems is the least of my problems. He's sweet, jolly and nice when he's drinking. It's when he's sober that he's a jerk.
Wednesday he drank and was jolly. Thursday he was sober and crabby. He started an argument when I didn't put out. Friday he was sober and quiet. And yesterday he was drinking and jolly.
I used to cherish his good moods. Now that I'm sober and detached, his good moods just seem like a symptom of his alcoholism to me.
Thanks for listening.
Financial goals....Over the years I've used a variety of methods to show him barriers to meeting our goals of ridding debt, saving money for college, and having extra for vacations and clothes: I've tracked every penny coming and going, and extremely time consuming process. I've suggested we cut things from our budget. He's never been willing to make those difficult sacrifices. He's only come up with excuses why we shouldn't, and told me that due to increases in our incomes "this year will be different" - for the past four years. Nothing's different.
Finally I said the only answer then is downsizing. I've been getting the house ready to put on the market. He's done nothing to help prepare.
Instead he said he was going to track our expenses to see exactly where our money was going so we could see what we could cut. I was steaming inside because I did that for four years straight. He told me then why he didn't want to cut back on certain expenses, and how this year things will be different. He's promised that for five years and we haven't seen any improvement. So he offered to come up with a "different" repayment plan for our debt. I feel like it's more empty promises, made to shut me up and protect his status quo.
Intimacy....I've told him my concerns with his self centered approach to intimacy for years. I've given him firm examples about what bothers me and clear suggestions on what would work for me. He has not modified his approach.
I used to be tired of arguing about it and just go along with it. I no longer do that and firmly say no instead. When I say NO, he pouts, sighs and tries to start an argument with me.
Drinking.....He's a binge drinker. Since I quit drinking he's cut back significantly on the number of days a week that he drinks. His drinking it seems is the least of my problems. He's sweet, jolly and nice when he's drinking. It's when he's sober that he's a jerk.
Wednesday he drank and was jolly. Thursday he was sober and crabby. He started an argument when I didn't put out. Friday he was sober and quiet. And yesterday he was drinking and jolly.
I used to cherish his good moods. Now that I'm sober and detached, his good moods just seem like a symptom of his alcoholism to me.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Gleefan,
My STBXAH used to say the same about our finances and our dreams for the future. He would keep saying how it would all be different, however his actions didn't change and neither did the situation.
I began to realise that the words meant nothing and I started to watch the actions carefully.
That is when I realised nothing was changing in my situation and I chose to leave.
My STBXAH used to say the same about our finances and our dreams for the future. He would keep saying how it would all be different, however his actions didn't change and neither did the situation.
I began to realise that the words meant nothing and I started to watch the actions carefully.
That is when I realised nothing was changing in my situation and I chose to leave.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi gleefan, I admire your focus on the future by trying to keep your finances under control. It happens to be a big interest of mine as well, and I know how frustrated I would be to have someone sabotaging that. I'm on my own, with a max of one income, but at least I have control.
As for the intimacy side, I wonder why he won't meet you half way when it could be for his benefit as well?
All the best.....
As for the intimacy side, I wonder why he won't meet you half way when it could be for his benefit as well?
All the best.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by gleefan 
I used to cherish his good moods. Now that I'm sober and detached, his good moods just seem like a symptom of his alcoholism to me.
I used to feel almost 'grateful' for when he was in a good mood. (rolling my eyes now at the thought).
With my AH I see it as a symptom too. All about the balance of blood alcohol level. If level is right, he is in good mood, when it needs topping up, he is grumpy!
I base that on how I felt when I was a daily drunk.
I must say being sober and detached is fabulous. We rock, GleeFan!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Just to add.
When I quit 4 years ago, part of my recovery work and improving my life was to separate our assets and finances.
Much cleaner way of living. The alkie cant drag you down then. Plus I notice he drinks far less when he has to pay for it all himself!!!
When I quit 4 years ago, part of my recovery work and improving my life was to separate our assets and finances.
Much cleaner way of living. The alkie cant drag you down then. Plus I notice he drinks far less when he has to pay for it all himself!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Originally Posted by LeeJane
I must say being sober and detached is fabulous.
I feel like I can finally see clearly, from a healthy perspective. I am so grateful to the 12 Steps and everyone who shares their experience strength and hope from their recovery from addiction, both substances and codependency. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who is just finding their way. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I am figuring out how to enjoy the journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by gleefan
This way of living rocks.
I feel like I can finally see clearly, from a healthy perspective. I am so grateful to the 12 Steps and everyone who shares their experience strength and hope from their recovery from addiction, both substances and codependency. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who is just finding their way. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I am figuring out how to enjoy the journey.
I feel like I can finally see clearly, from a healthy perspective. I am so grateful to the 12 Steps and everyone who shares their experience strength and hope from their recovery from addiction, both substances and codependency. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who is just finding their way. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I am figuring out how to enjoy the journey.
My issues are drinking and co-dependency too. Of the two issues, ridding myself of codie behaviour has been far harder than quitting alcohol.
I also have a long way to go but will enjoy the ride. Love my program and love my mentor and love my life now. All best wishes to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
