puffy

Wellington posted about this earlier but I didn't want to hijack the thread. I went to my first meeting today and I was completely miserable. First, they wouldn't let me bring my soft drink in so I was embarrassed. But that is so trivial. What worried me was the structure of the meeting. Are they all the same? We sat in a circle and read from a book and then shared if you could relate to what you just read. I was so nervous about reading. My heart was pounding anticipating my turn. I couldn't concentrate on the topic at hand. Also, once someone shares everyone says thanks and that's it. Then dead silence... waiting for someone to read or share. But no one responds to the person that just shared. I know you can't give advice but it seems so cold. Afterwards, I just folded up my chair and left. It seems very uninviting. They asked for newcomers to share but I felt so uncomfortable I couldn't even formulate any thoughts into words. I guess I have to get used to the process or maybe try smart recovery. Feel like Al-Anon isn't for me.

Or are there other structures to this type of meeting???

Thanks in advance to any responses you are willing to give,
Puffy

PurpleWilder

In my CODA meeting, responding directly to a person's personal interpretation or reflections on the day's readings is considered crosstalk, which can sometimes be considered critical or condemning. The purpose is to share experience, strength and hope. Because many of us in CODA have been overly criticized during our upbringing and subsequent dysfunctional relationships, we can therefore be very sensitive. We discourage crosstalk so people can be free to share without feeling weird about it.

Also, it isn't uncommon to take a few meetings to get into the groove of things. You don't have to share if you don't want to. So many people just come in for 1 or 2 meetings and never return so it may take a while for the group to warm up to you.

On the other hand, some meetings just have a certain appeal and others don't. You may have to attend a few different meetings until you find one that feels right. But don't give up!

PurpleWilder

ladyscribbler

My first meeting was kind of a dud too. I attended another and found it was a much better fit. You should be free to say "Pass" if you don't feel like sharing- most newcomers don't say much the first few meetings, you shouldn't feel obligated or pressured.
Some meetings have a "no cross talk" policy- no responding to someone's share, only commenting on the reading, but others are a round table format. Maybe try a few more until you find one that's a better fit. So sorry. I felt really down after my first meeting too. It was a big disappointment, but I'm glad I stuck with it. I now attend 2 meetings regularly, but I've never been back to that Sunday night newcomers meeting.

puffy

Thanks PW and ladyscribbler. They did mention "cross talk". I figured there was a reason behind it. Having it explained to me helps. I'm not one to give up. Monday, I plan to attend a smart recovery meeting that I found. Hopefully, I will get a good vibe. However, your advice of giving it a few chances is well received. Though it is hard being introverted, it gets in the way of the whole process. The anxiety level just increases.

Meassi

I have attended both AL-anon and ACA here and they were both like that - and since I need mirroring and reflection and dialog to grow and learn I felt abandoned.
I haven't found an alternative other than forums on the net, but I have my wonderful friends

PHIZ007

At our Al Anon meeting everyone who wishes to speak can do so and those that don't can pass.

I would recommend you go a few more times. There are a few regulars at our meeting and some that come now and again so different faces each week.

It took me several meetings to feel comfortable there, not because of the people asuch but because I wAs getting used to something completely new. I have heard others say they have tried different meetings to find one they feel comfortable with.

I am so greatful for my meeting and all the people there so I do hope you will find one that you feel you are comfortable with too.

Al Anon and SR keep me sane!

Take care Phiz

honeypig

Hi, puffy--I'd agree w/those who say to try several different meetings before deciding that Alanon is not for you. Although all the meetings use the same basic format, there are some variations I've seen. Some break into smaller groups for discussion after the opening parts of the meeting and the reading or lead is done. You might like something like that better.

Some meetings are big, some are small--that can affect the overall feeling a lot. Some have a lot of newbies, who don't have much ES&H to share, while some have a lot of long-timers, who may find it difficult to relate to newcomers. The fit and flavor will be different in different places.

There is a sub-forum for 12-step recovery here at SR: 12-Step Support for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There is also a sub-forum where you can learn more about CRAFT and SMART recovery programs: Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

In addition, some folks have found Celebrate Recovery to be helpful.

In short, there are a lot of options out there--I'm glad you said you're not going to give up, b/c I feel certain you'll find the recovery path that works best for you. (((Hugs)))

schnappi99

I really like the no-crosstalk rule. When I share something I'm not looking for feedback from the group, its to try and share something that I've found relevant to the speaker. For feedback I'll ask my sponsor or various friends-in-program in a more 1:1 setting. That said some meetings are the awkward silence type, one of those around here- another is a big meeting but lots of people pass there for some reason. My homegroup is medium-sized and well established, few people pass there is no pressure (that I feel anyway).

My recovery is a lot bigger and nuanced than I thought when I first started, and its taken me pretty far into AA as well- I identify a lot with the alcoholics though my "pathological moves" are all Alanon. At various times I've felt awkward and unable to speak or think anything useful, other times on top of my game and able to confidently share. For my part I don't think either one matters much as long as I'm seeking my own recovery. Alanon as been a cure for my misanthropic isolation, met more locals in the last 6 mos than in the last 17 years we've lived here. Its a big world outside my own head, funny how I've been stuck inside it often a prisoner of my own instincts and notions preconceived and/or unconscious for 40-odd years.

Good luck Puff, keep at it! Things can change.

puffy

Schnappi- I too identify with the alcoholics as well but I've realize that my moves, in order to completely explore myself, have to be with Al Anon or a similar group. But I get you. I think I travel more in those forums because I was challenging my own sobriety but lately dealing with my AH has become overwhelming.

"It's a big world outside my own head, funny how I've been stuck inside it often and a prisoner of my own instincts and notions preconceived and/or unconscious for 40-odd years". I like that. I'm stealing it that's how much I like that thought.

Meassi- I'm glad you were able to be okay with relying on the forums on the net. That's what I've been doing for awhile. I thought maybe I would give this group stuff a chance even though it is WAY outside my comfort zone. I'll let you know how it goes. But you give me hope if it doesn't workout.

PHIZ and honeypig- thanks for sharing your successful experiences. And I will also explore Celebrate Recovery (Honeypig)


Much Appreciation,
Puffy

johnno1

I totally get you, I never knew I was going to have to read out of a book, I'm a terrible reader I make mistakes and I hate it so much fumble my words and I don't even take in what I've just read!
But saying that it's getting better each week, I try my best to not think about what others think of me, hard but I try
Goodluck x

bookmaven

I would recommend "meeting shopping" too. Maybe there is a speaker meeting? You don't have to share or read anything. You can just sit and listen to someone tell their story - what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I tried several Al-anon meetings, but I found that their solutions were focused so much on the alcoholic that I didn't get anything out of it. When I went to codependents anonymous I learned to take care of myself and what healthy boundaries and loving relationships are supposed to look like. It helps me with ALL of my relationships, with my loved ones, family, friends, coworkers, and even myself. Now as a "double winner" I go to one AA meeting a week, and one CoDA meeting a week. Everyone's path is different. What works for one person might be disastrous for another. Sometimes meetings become cliquey and not very welcoming to newcomers. Sometimes people demand that you do everything the way they do it or else you're "not working the program" and there are probably some people that need that kind of rigid structure, but I found it to be suffocating. Try out as many meetings as you can, try different programs (coda, celebrate recovery, etc.) too.

puffy

Just wanted to thank everyone. I FOUND my meeting. I went to a Smart Recovery meeting tonight and right from the beginning as they read some guidelines, I let out a deep breath and felt really good about being there. Everyone was really welcoming and didn't treat me like a fly by night attendee. No cliques just open discussion. And I can bring in whatever non-alcoholic beverage I wanted.

Boy, I feel so good tonight,
Puffy

bookmaven

Puffy, I'm happy you found a group that will work for you.