Lost in life
 

It has been awhile since I have posted here. I thought I had things under control, but we all know how that goes.
My boyfriend and I of almost 4 years have split up. He is a binge drinker and likes to party all weekend and stay out all night. I finally got tired of that life style. Unfortunately, we still live in the same house, but in different rooms.
Here is where things get tricky. We get along great!! We talk, go out to dinner or cook dinner at home. Which makes me think we can make things work. Am I crazy? He is so sweet when he is not drinking. Why can we make it work as friends but not in a relationship??
There is a part of me that thinks if we didn't live with his parents and had a place of our own we would do much better. But I am just kidding myself, right??
It just seems so complicated. I have spent so much time worrying about him and his feelings and problems I have lost myself along the way. So much so I almost feel afraid to live my life alone, without him. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel afraid to live? I have never felt this way before and I don't like it. I used to be an independent person, and that is gone now. I want that person back!!

Because when you're friends, you can choose when you are together. If you're tired of him, you can say "I don't have time today" and it's all good. If he's drunk and mean, you can say to him "I don't want to hang out with you when you're drunk and mean."

In a relationship, you don't have the same flexibility. You also tend to feel responsible for your partner in a way you don't with a friend.

Are you crazy to think it would work? As long as he's drinking and not in recovery -- YES. You're crazy to think it could work. You can't have JUST the nice sober guy. The other dude, the one you don't like, the drunk? He's part of the package.

Relationships are made up of 2 whole healthy people. Not one healthy and the other "so sweet when xyz" so yes,?you are unfortunately fooling yourself. The only reason I can say that is because that's what I did. Try to build a whole relationship with half a partner. Moving, new jobs, new cars new whatever will not make him stop drinking and it will get worse.

Ps. Your first priority is to find yourself again. She is there! If you don't, it is likely that you will waste another 4 years with another sick man. It's so much easier to focus on others than ourselves. You were someone who survived a long time before you ever met this guy. 4 years is just a part of your life, it's not your whole life. Don't lose anymore to him. Nothing in the world has changed but you. There was nothing to fear before him and nothing to fear after him. It will take time, many people here have been helped by al a anon, I do SMART recovery. There are many books on co dependency you can google. (((Hugs)))

I used to be an independent person, and that is gone now. I want that person back!![/QUOTE]
I am super new on here but I have been dealing with recovery for far to long and from my own experience it's all in our head's if that makes any sense at all. What we think is what we get...I'm currently dealing with my own aspect of that and it sucks. Does he treat you badly when he is drinking?

Great advice above and I am glad you are here.

I had a lovely boyfriend too who used to drink heavily.

Fast forward 16 years and I am married to that same sweet boyfriend and we have three beautiful children.

The only problem is that sweet lovely person isn't there very often any more. In his place is an angry raging verbally abusive alcoholic who is not nice to live with atall. Sure we still have some nice times BUT they all depend on him and his moods, depression and of course his true love alcohol.

Me and my children don't deserve any of this and I am making plans to separate.

I am heartbroken to say the least.

However my advice to you is run like hell, find yourself and live life to the full for you.

Alcoholism is progressive and it will only get worse unless he chooses recovery.

My AH has never shown any sign of wanting recovery and I am done.

I am sorry if my response is blunt and to the point. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Please take care of yourself and the rest will follow. Look after Yourself Phiz

Why can we make it work as friends but not in a relationship??

As friends, he doesn't have to commit, he can do as he pleases, which translates to party, drink, stay out all night, repeat.

You obviously want more out of this situation than he can currently offer. Are you kidding yourself? Yes, i believe you are.

It's really not that complicated, he has shown you who he is, and you are choosing not to believe him.

Think about it, your living with his parents, usually when adults are in mature relationships they provide their own roof over their own head. As a parent of adult children, I cannot think of a reason that I would allow my unmarried adult kids to set up playing house under my roof, and here is why, if they haven't made the commitment to marry, they certainly cannot be serious, they just want a place to shack up, ummm, NO!

Not trying to be rude or insensitive, but may I ask why YOU are still living under his parents roof, if you are not a couple any longer? IMHO, you are just postponing ripping off that band-aid, as we all know that hurts a bit.

If you truly want to reclaim your independence, moving out of the parents house would be a good place to start, getting away from what is causing you the hurt and turmoil, is a good place to start.

I am sorry that you are hurting and confused, might be a good time to have a heart to heart with yourself. What are you willing to do to feel better about YOU?