Gut Instincts
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm pretty sure my ex cheated on me, and though I never caught him, I lived with it and it colored the remainder of our relationship, even when he was sober. It was a soul-killing, self-esteem killing, slow burn of resentment and despair, and there was no way I could survive in my marriage with that feeling and those signs just sitting there between us, him denying their existence all the way.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Stung,
Ugh, I've so been there. I'm still there really.
My AH was unfaithful last summer. At that point he was so drunk all the time that he was not hiding anything very well, so my proof was easy to find.
I am on super high alert all the time now, and I wonder if he really is done with the cheating, or if he's just hiding it better becuase he's sober.
It's crazy-making worrying about it all the time. I've done some stalker-ish things that I am not proud of in order to find some proof of continued infidelity, and have found none, but still I worry.... I know it does me no good.... He's going to cheat if he's going to cheat, just like he's going to drink if he's going to drink.
I'm also totally with you on knowing it's time to divorce, but feeling scared...
More will be revealed..... and you'll be ready when you are ready. It's not an easy decision to make, especially when you have children.
Take care of yourself.
Ugh, I've so been there. I'm still there really.
My AH was unfaithful last summer. At that point he was so drunk all the time that he was not hiding anything very well, so my proof was easy to find.
I am on super high alert all the time now, and I wonder if he really is done with the cheating, or if he's just hiding it better becuase he's sober.
It's crazy-making worrying about it all the time. I've done some stalker-ish things that I am not proud of in order to find some proof of continued infidelity, and have found none, but still I worry.... I know it does me no good.... He's going to cheat if he's going to cheat, just like he's going to drink if he's going to drink.
I'm also totally with you on knowing it's time to divorce, but feeling scared...
More will be revealed..... and you'll be ready when you are ready. It's not an easy decision to make, especially when you have children.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hey Stung,
When I went to collect my stuff from my STBXAH he made a big show of pointing out that I was no longer wearing my wedding ring. We separated a month ago. However I found a female's hairbrush in my chest of drawers in our bedroom.
When I went to collect my stuff from my STBXAH he made a big show of pointing out that I was no longer wearing my wedding ring. We separated a month ago. However I found a female's hairbrush in my chest of drawers in our bedroom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Thank you for all of the kind responses.
I haven't done anything about it and I can't bring myself to tell my sponsor or anyone face to face. I already know what I should (should is such an evil little word) do, but I am afraid to do it and yeah, it's definitely childhood stuff holding me back. I know I'm capable and I can take care of myself and my babes, even if that means having to move to a less expensive area (and it would indeed include that, we haven't been married long enough for me to qualify for alimony. And I would need to eventually get a real job that provides health insurance and retirement, and blah blah blah). I need to get myself back into therapy. I talked about my suspicions with my therapist once but I minimized it to be MY fear rather than my sleuthing. (My mom was cheated on by her 2nd husband - which served her right, IMO since he was married with 3 kids when she started seeing him, which she still lies about. My aunt and uncle have always cheated on each other too and yet she boasts about how they've been married for more than 30 years. Maybe this is a fear of mine that I'm projecting? I don't know anymore.) I want to be wrong on this. My husband swears that he would rather die than cheat on me... but at the same time when I asked him why he sent that email to his employee he gave me a long pause and then told me that he thought if he was excessively nice to his employees and overpaid them that they would all pretend that he wasn't drinking in the office and ignoring his work and his business partner would never find out (his business partner did find out, as did all of the people in his corporate office, he's hanging onto his job by a thread). I don't know. I don't buy it. I do know that being in this relationship hurts and the idea of having to initiate it's dissolution hurts just as bad. The burden feels too big. It gives me a severe case of the 'why do I have to do everything's and the 'why me's and some fear of being alone too. I want someone else to do the heavy lifting or at least, I'm not ready to do it myself yet.
So in the meantime I'm just focusing on myself. I definitely do not need to do anything right this second and I'm using "live and let live" as a mantra. I don't want anymore freaking drama in my life so I'm just going to try to self soothe for a period before I have to take some action. I still want to be home with my littles before they start school. And I'm grateful that I can stay home with them. Time goes by way too fast and I'm grateful for everyday that I get to focus on myself and enjoy this very short time in their and my life. Babies are only babies once. The joke is on my husband because he is missing out on their childhoods doing whatever foolishness that he is up to and he'll never get this time back.
Basically I have an alcoholic sugar daddy.
I haven't done anything about it and I can't bring myself to tell my sponsor or anyone face to face. I already know what I should (should is such an evil little word) do, but I am afraid to do it and yeah, it's definitely childhood stuff holding me back. I know I'm capable and I can take care of myself and my babes, even if that means having to move to a less expensive area (and it would indeed include that, we haven't been married long enough for me to qualify for alimony. And I would need to eventually get a real job that provides health insurance and retirement, and blah blah blah). I need to get myself back into therapy. I talked about my suspicions with my therapist once but I minimized it to be MY fear rather than my sleuthing. (My mom was cheated on by her 2nd husband - which served her right, IMO since he was married with 3 kids when she started seeing him, which she still lies about. My aunt and uncle have always cheated on each other too and yet she boasts about how they've been married for more than 30 years. Maybe this is a fear of mine that I'm projecting? I don't know anymore.) I want to be wrong on this. My husband swears that he would rather die than cheat on me... but at the same time when I asked him why he sent that email to his employee he gave me a long pause and then told me that he thought if he was excessively nice to his employees and overpaid them that they would all pretend that he wasn't drinking in the office and ignoring his work and his business partner would never find out (his business partner did find out, as did all of the people in his corporate office, he's hanging onto his job by a thread). I don't know. I don't buy it. I do know that being in this relationship hurts and the idea of having to initiate it's dissolution hurts just as bad. The burden feels too big. It gives me a severe case of the 'why do I have to do everything's and the 'why me's and some fear of being alone too. I want someone else to do the heavy lifting or at least, I'm not ready to do it myself yet.
So in the meantime I'm just focusing on myself. I definitely do not need to do anything right this second and I'm using "live and let live" as a mantra. I don't want anymore freaking drama in my life so I'm just going to try to self soothe for a period before I have to take some action. I still want to be home with my littles before they start school. And I'm grateful that I can stay home with them. Time goes by way too fast and I'm grateful for everyday that I get to focus on myself and enjoy this very short time in their and my life. Babies are only babies once. The joke is on my husband because he is missing out on their childhoods doing whatever foolishness that he is up to and he'll never get this time back.
Basically I have an alcoholic sugar daddy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Florence 
Hey, a little kismet. Look at your signature.
Stung, I am walking through the fear of moving on with my divorce right now, even though I don't know all the facts and all the lies, etc. I just knew I couldn't live like that anymore.
I thought it was going to be so hard. I thought I was going to fall apart. I thought I wasn't strong enough. But, I was and I am feeling better than ever.
You've gotten some great support here and I just wanted you to know that I support you and love you and that you will be OK. HUGS!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Stung,
It's certainly possible for "gut instincts" to be wrong. But you strike me as someone with her head screwed on pretty straight, so I don't think you're just imagining things for no reason. It's possible you are misinterpreting, but you're probably right that something isn't "right."
I don't have any real advice or suggestions to offer, but wanted to send hugs and support. I have every confidence that when things become clearer--and they will--you will make the best decision for you and our kiddos.
It's certainly possible for "gut instincts" to be wrong. But you strike me as someone with her head screwed on pretty straight, so I don't think you're just imagining things for no reason. It's possible you are misinterpreting, but you're probably right that something isn't "right."
I don't have any real advice or suggestions to offer, but wanted to send hugs and support. I have every confidence that when things become clearer--and they will--you will make the best decision for you and our kiddos.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You're exactly right, you don't have to rush to do anything.
One of the best things I gave myself during this time was a long separation, emotional distance, and a lot of therapy. It shored me up so I knew that whatever decision I made about my marriage, I was making it with a clear head and peaceful heart. It was a real gift to myself. I knew what trajectory I was on and didn't feel guilty that it gave me a financial cushion to string it all out while I got my ducks in a row.
Time will reveal more, right? Use that time wisely. I would I observe and take mental notes, and remember indeed you don't have to do any one thing and certainly not on any timeline.
One of the best things I gave myself during this time was a long separation, emotional distance, and a lot of therapy. It shored me up so I knew that whatever decision I made about my marriage, I was making it with a clear head and peaceful heart. It was a real gift to myself. I knew what trajectory I was on and didn't feel guilty that it gave me a financial cushion to string it all out while I got my ducks in a row.
Time will reveal more, right? Use that time wisely. I would I observe and take mental notes, and remember indeed you don't have to do any one thing and certainly not on any timeline.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
(((((Stung)))))) I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Gut instincts are pretty reliable for me, but that wasn't always the case. Even now, when I trust myself 100% with my instincts, it isn't enough to base life-altering decisions on. It's a mix for me between the logical, proof-based reality & how my gut tugs play into it all.
I think it's super smart to take things slow & give yourself time to work things through. Trying to stay with your kids as much as possible before they start school is great, I can't believe how fast these years go. DD is starting middle school next summer & I keep going back & looking through all of her baby pictures wondering what happened to that chubby cheeked toddler. I'm not ready for this next stage just yet & I never anticipated how much this was going to bother me.
You're smart. You're strong. You're awareness is amazing. Your priorities are right on - your kids obviously ALWAYS come first for you. You're kicking this recovery thing right in the arse most of the time - I truly admire the way you go at your recovery like a warrior in battle. I have complete faith that you'll make the right decision for you & your girls at the right time for you.
I think it's super smart to take things slow & give yourself time to work things through. Trying to stay with your kids as much as possible before they start school is great, I can't believe how fast these years go. DD is starting middle school next summer & I keep going back & looking through all of her baby pictures wondering what happened to that chubby cheeked toddler. I'm not ready for this next stage just yet & I never anticipated how much this was going to bother me.
You're smart. You're strong. You're awareness is amazing. Your priorities are right on - your kids obviously ALWAYS come first for you. You're kicking this recovery thing right in the arse most of the time - I truly admire the way you go at your recovery like a warrior in battle. I have complete faith that you'll make the right decision for you & your girls at the right time for you.
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