paula a.

Well, we took the kids to a friends pond fishing Thursday. It was a beautiful day. We were there all of twenty minutes when the friend showed up, and my dear H exchanged his pole for a beer. We came home and cleaned fish and he announced that he did the "dad thing" so now he was free to hit the tavern. He arrived home at 11:30pm and told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry he was so drunk (ahem...quack, quack, quack), and then tells me I need to call work for him, there is no way he can be up at five. I replied that if he wasn't going to work because he drank too much then he would have to call them himself, if he were really sick or hurt I would be more than happy to call but I would not lie for him. Well, you can all guess where this ended up. He got mad, I still said no. He got loud, I still said no. Then he got mean and nasty, I got up and called work. He then proceeded to call me every name in the book and I told him I wouldn't argue and asked him to please go to bed. Then he tries to sit and talk to me about why he drinks so much and how he knows it's wrong. I told him I would love to talk about this WHEN HE IS SOBER, but I was not going to waste my time when he wasn't going to remember it tomorrow. He went to bed. Five minutes later he flew down the stairs in a rage, flung himself over me and got right in my face and told me he just wanted me to know that I am nobody to him and I have no right to judge him. I very calmly told him to get off of me. He replied "I am not on you YET, but you're begging for it, just remember you're nobody." and off to bed he went.

Now, in the past, this would have sent me into near hysteria. I would have sat up all night looking for a way to make him happy when he woke up. Well, I did sit up all night, but there were no tears, there was no mental abuse of myself, no planning how I would kiss his a** when he rolled out of bed the next day, there was just...nothing. He came down the next day and apologized for being a jerk, in the past that would have sent me running into his arms crying and apologizing too. This time I simply said "I know" and went on with what I was doing. Something inside of me has snapped, I think I have finally admitted defeat. This is all just too hard. I let my business go to hell this summer while I worked on me and the past few weeks I have been working like a madwoman getting my calender filled up. In light of my non-feeling right now I think I have been subconciously gearing up to leave. I catch myself walking around my house deciding what's mine and what's his. The sunset brings me to tears because it is so beautiful here and in my heart I know that the number of sunsets I am going to see from my usual spot are limited.

I need to know from those of you who have left, that this empty feeling goes away. It has to right?

Paula

Gabe

((((Paula))))
Yes, the empty feeling goes away. Like most things, that takes time.
If you decide to go, there will be life beyond where you are now.
I know it doesn't seem that way at the moment, but there will be.
Give yourself some time to work through your feelings.
Sending some light and love your way,
Gabe

Ann

Paula

I think that "snap" that you refer to was you hitting your "enough" point. It is moments like these when we just KNOW that we will not continue to live that way one moment longer.

That doesn't mean we stay, nor does it mean we go, it just means that we have had "enough" of allowing their behaviour to dominate and control our lives. It is the moment that we finally decide to take control of our lives and do what is right for US.

Welcome to recovery. You just had a lightbulb moment.

Hugs
Ann

Teggie

((((paula)))) I wish I had good words of wisdom for you, but I don't. Gabe and Ann did though so I take comfort in that. I just wanted to say I'm concerned about your safety though, noone deserves to be in a abusive relationship, I may be totally wrong and out of line but it sounds like he was close to being physical? Please make your safety number 1. Whether you leave or stay please have a plan, a support system, a little money, things you have to have. Stay safe please, life's short enough as it is. Hugs and prayers your way, Teggie

paula a.

You're not wrong Teggie, he can get physical, but hasn't in nearly five years. 9-1-1 is on my speed dial and I have several places to go should it ever happen again. Thanks for your concern, it is much appreciated--I'll be safe and if he should get out of line he will go to jail (he knows this).

Ann and Gabe--Thanks for your words of wisdom and caring, as usual you made me think, which I have trouble doing sometimes! I will survive this, I just wish it were easier.

Hugs,
Paula

jojo

Paula -

That empty feeling does go away and, for me, it was replaced with a feeling of peace. It is not always easy but it is far better than living like I was. I sure can't tell you that you need to go but for me, it was the right decision and I have few regrets. Keep yourself safe and trust your instincts.

Hugs, Jo

paula a.

Jo,
Peace?? What exactly is that? lol I would love to just simply be at peace...I have done much thinking over the last few days and have come to the realization that even if he quit tomorrow and never touched a drop again, I don't think this is where I would want to be. There is just so much b.s. that I don't know if I could ever get past this emptiness with him in my world. I love him, but I don't know anymore if I could name five things about him that I like and it's hard enough to share a life with someone when you like them, know what I mean? My goal is to get through one last Christmas, and barring some miracle making me change my mind, be on my own sometime in January. It is going to be difficult on my own, but like you I feel the peace will be worth the hardship.
Thanks again for the replies everyone,
Paula

myselfagain

Paula,

You sound like you are in the same place I was a few years ago. I hit my buttom with mine also. He went sober the day I told him I wanted a divorce. Has not had in drink in over a year. Divorce will finally be final in a few weeks. He does not want a divoce, thinks I should just get over it and be a family.
I know what you mean when you say even if he quit you dont like much about him. I felt and still feel the same way. I am not alone and neither are you. You are right in any decision YOU make to be a happy person and at peace with yourself. I have been living w/o him for several months now. It is so peaceful around here. Not a day goes by that I think "he should be here" or " He used to do that for me or us". There wasnt much he did do, so theres not a lot to miss. Look out for yourself and your kids. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

StandingStrong

Paula: Ann took the words, thoughts, and emotions right out of me! I have been in that moment where there simply was nothing left - just there in my own empty shell. And I can tell you that my heart goes out to you and wishes you well.
Yes, it gets better. It gets ALOT better!!!!! That empty feeling will go away! And it can and will be replaced with alot of positive feelings that are just amazing!
Hang in there and be strong! And don't underestimate yourself - believe me, you are so much stronger than you think you are!

paula a.

Thanks you guys, those were things I needed to hear. I have almost got myself convinced that I am strong enough to handle all of this. I can hardly wait for the day that I wake up and look forward to the day ahead, instead of wishing I could just bury myself in the blankets and hide from it. It will get better.
Paula

Gabe

(((Paula)))