carmen303

Yes. We are still talking. We laugh, talk like best friends, give each other moral support, but I never see him anymore, as you may know from my previous post. We still talk because I am completely alone and he claims to love me "so much" he always says. He always calls, everyday.

For awhile, I'll fantasize in my mind that all is okay, that we can pull this together and make something together...and that belief keeps me going for awhile, but the truth is, I'm stuck.

I have never figured it out, but I think he might be bipolar. Since, most of my relation with him, he has been under the influence (although he is not "drunk" until evening) so he always "seems" sober. thing is, he is sweet, kind, caring, thoughtful, nice and "loves me so much" as long as alcohol is in his system.

He knows that I want him to stop. So, I notice when he holds off and drinks less or not at all, he is not a nice person at all...he's different.

He says rude things, talks down to me, tells me I'm a spoiled princess (I guess he concluded that because I became tired of driving him around, refuse to give him money and I stopped visiting him). I try to tell him that he's being mean and he gets angry at me and says I'm oversensitive. so, sometimes, I almost start to doubt myself and think it's in my mind.

So, I look at myself....yes, I am sensitive, I take anti-depressants and I have PMS, so, it's easy to get me doubt myself and think I'm oversensitive. So, since I am a bit sensitive, a bipolarish alcoholic is hard on me. I'm not tough enough. when his personality changes, he's not the kind man I thought I knew. Most days, I get off the phone with him, smiling; last night, I cried myself to sleep.

Is it possible, since I don't know IF he's bipolar... all I know is that his personality can change drastically. Is this the characteristic of the "dry drunk"? When he last spoke to me this way (last night), he claimed that he hadn't had anything to drink.

LexieCat

carmen, gently, you have been trying to "diagnose" him since you got here.

This doesn't sound like much of a relationship. You don't see him, you have unsatisfying phone relationship, he is rude and says unkind things to you.

I think the only thing that's "in your mind" is the relationship itself. You are apparently a diversion for him, when he's in the mood.

If you are depressed and oversensitive and, therefore, alone (except for this guy on the phone), then the thing to do is to work on yourself so you can make REAL friends and have a REAL relationship.

SparkleKitty

All you know is that his personality can change drastically.

This is hard on you.

What does the label matter if those two things are true?

fluffyflea

Maybe how about he's rude,selfish,manipulative??????

carmen303

but does this happen with being dry drunk? He didn't have anything to drink yesterday.

fluffyflea

For sure and or maybe that's who he is?

Carlotta

Whether he is a dry drunk, bi polar, possessed by an alien spirit or just a plain old tool do you feel that the way he speaks to you is acceptable? If not, do you plan to do something about it?
You can say comely: This conversation is over and either walk away or hang up the phone.
You do have choices you know.

carmen303

Most of the time, he's very kind..that's why I try to make sense of it all. All I know is that he IS an alcoholic. It's so hard when a person is kind MOST of the time, but are affected by alcohol all the time.

Carlotta

It's hard and it starts with you because you are the only person you can change. What you allow yourself to be put through and how you react to it you have some control over.

Have you considered maybe setting boundaries?
A good boundary as a starter might be:
I will not allow myself to be talked to like a dog. When someone talks to me in way I find unacceptable I will disengage and end the conversation.

Well that's a suggestion. Boundaries are a personal thing so it's truly up to you (even whether or not you want to set boundaries or allow yourself to be "victimized").

Just on a side note, it seems that you spend an awful lot of time trying to analyze his motives. I have been there myself and ultimately, I found out it was utterly wasted energy which would have been better spent on myself. Who knows why he does things, what matters is his behavior and whether you are ok with it or not... and that's where boundaries kick in.

carmen303

When I post on here, I'm usually feeling down about this and just seeking clarification on what I'm dealing with. But some people say I'm waiting time; I thought this was what the forum is for. I think I'm experiencing dry drunk symptoms. It helps if someone could tell me more about it. Thanks.

ladyscribbler

"Dry drunk" implies that someone has had a prolonged period of abstinence from alcohol. One day of not drinking is not a prolonged period of abstinence. So no, the mood swings and verbal abuse are "wet drunk" behavior. The same crap you've been putting up with since the get go.

Dry Drunk Syndrome - Alcohol Rehab

sugarbear1

Sounds like untreated alcoholism to me. Alcohol medicates or treats alcoholism, without alcohol, we act inconsiderate, selfish, nasty (everyone is different here).....

Why do you allow this in your life? If a person isn't adding to my already well rounded life, then I have to do something about this; create a well rounded life and love me first, then add others to that life to keep it well rounded......when I've created, in my mind, a beautiful life with another, I was bound to fail since we weren't building this fantasy in the real world.

with love and hugs to you

NYCDoglvr

You're stuck because you maintain contact with him. It doesn't help to analyze him, only that you stay stuck in a relationship that isn't going to improve because he continues drinking. Regarding alcoholics, it doesn't matter why he drinks or how much, only what happens when he drinks. In the end, it isn't really about him, it's about the choices you make. Have you tried Alanon?

happybeingme

Carmen, a dry drunk is someone who has quit drinking but is still a miserable person. They stopped the alcohol but haven't gotten to dealing with why they became an alcoholic.

Being shy and insecure is no reason to accept bad treatment. Someone out there will like you exactly the way you are. If you actually go out. Having a phone relationship with an alcoholic is a losing proposition. In the end he will crush your spirit and waste your life. You can't love him to sobriety. No one can. Everyone here has already tried that with their own alcoholics

carmen303

Thank you. As for the term "wet drunk"... I'm not familiar with that one. So is that what happens when you haven't had your daily dose? Irritable, rude, etc...? I know that no one understands my situation. His kindness (which is most of the time) keeps me connected. He's my best friend. It's not that easy. But, this wet thing is hard to deal with. I did set my boundary. I never see him anymore.

happybeingme

I have never heard the term "wet drunk". As a recovering alcoholic myself I was either drunk, thinking about getting drunk, counting my inventory, deciding if I should make a run to the liquor store just in case, or sleeping. Oh, I was and am still a wife and mother. None of that matter. Just the booze.

ladyscribbler

Wet drunk isn't a real thing. I made it up. All I meant is that he's an alcoholic who is still actively drinking. Either he's a daily drinker who skipped a day or he's a daily drinker who drank and lied about it. Then he took out his nasty mood on you. That's more than hard to take, it's unacceptable behavior, whatever name you want to give it.
Trust me, everyone here understands your situation, waiting for an alcoholic to change, analyzing every little thing they do, hoping that this or that behavior means they are changing.

Stung

Carmen,

When my husband isn't drinking he is nice and charming and seemingly a nice guy. But when he does drink he's an a-hole and right after he stops drinking he's an even bigger a-hole for a few weeks. Dry drunk is exactly what Ladyscribbler described. That's usually when a loved one goes "huh, they stopped drinking months ago but the problems are still here."

I'm sorry you feel alone and I'm sorry this dude made you feel so bad. No one deserves to be treated that way, regardless of what the other person is like most of the time.

Sending you hugs. You're going to be okay.

cookiesncream

Wet or dry his behavior is still unacceptable regardless of the reasons. Seeing him or not seeing him his presence in your life on whatever level seems to be having an adverse affect on you. Those things are facts based on what you've said. If he is bipolar and won't get treatment for it you can't change that. If he refuses to stop drinking you can't change that either. You can analyze the situation until the cows come home but it wont change what IS. I have been sober now for 14 months and honestly its only been by a strong commitment to my own sobriety and my husbands strong commitment to his program (Al-Anon) and stopping the focus on ME that after a long period of "stuckness" of a relationship of co-dependency on his part and my playing victim that the tides are changing. Sorry to be harsh here but the best thing you can do is to get on with your life, focus on YOU.

velma929

He may have an alcohol problem, he may not. He may have a mental illness, he may not. He's only nice to you when he's been drinking, and he drinks so much it bothers you. He's mean when he hasn't been. You can only change your own behavior. If he's unwilling to change his drinking habits, or get mental health help, this is the relationship you're willing to have.