Working my way out and through it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Working my way out and through it
Thank you all for being out there. I have read a lot of stickys and posts now and my heart goes out to all of you and your fighting for sanity and happiness 
I am going to Los Gatos in California on the 28th of April to see an old friend and see sites, but most of all, to get my energy back. My friend will be busy a lot of the time, but just getting away will be great! She has given me this to give me a break from him *heart*
The trip from where I live will be 15 hours, but I know that as soon as I get on that plane, I will feel better.
I remember writing being one of the best therapeutic means to healing, so I'll try to write what's happened so far.
My A partner is a binge alcoholic. I met him a year after leaving a severely depressed husband in the other end of the country, hubby was so sick he never shared anything with me so I had nothing. One month after leaving him, my father killed hiself and blamed me for it in his goodbye letter. (Long story, my father was a narcissistic)
When I met my partner, he was actually drinking 3 bottles of red wine every evening "to go to sleep". He was sober the first week and I had a hunch about him, so I asked him directly "Are you an alcoholic?" and he answered "Not to my knowledge". Very clever.
After 1 month I lost my home - I had just left a severely depressed husband and my whole life in another part of the country and has huge debts and 7 moving boxes - that's it. I got the small apartment for3 months from a friend, but she went back on it, so I had to relocate. He, my A, offered that I could stay with him without paying rent.
After a month of living together I knew I had to find a home for my self. He was helpless.
After three months I found out he had a girlfriend every other wednesday and he actually regarded her as the real girlfriend and me as a lover.
Another 2 months and I had my own place - the most beautiful place I ever had, I broke it off with him and enjoyed my beautiful new life.
After 6 months I called him about something I forgotten to take with me (I am SURE this was not coincidental!) and we started talking and he told me he was in better shape and had stopped the drinking.
He asked me out and I went and he seemes a lot better.
We became partners within the next 24 hours (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
In the next month he lost his home and he started in a project for A's working with cognitive skills to keep them sober. YAY! Now EVERYTHING IS GONNA GET BETTER!!! WOOOHOOO
So he moved in with me and didn't drink at all for 6 month. One month before the project was over, he was offerede a bigger apartment and asked me to move in with him - and I did. (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
His daughter, 24 years old, moved in with us as well. She seemed to be very affected by his drinking in the past and I was so thrilled to see her witness her dad being sober. She called him selfish and manipulative and I really couldn't see that. Poor thing, children of A's always see it from a worse perspective, I know, my mother was an A and my father was a binge A.
He had two benders in two months, then 2 months with drinking. Then he took a bender on my birthday which was really horrible for me as my birthdays are sacred because of my upbringing. So he promised to not drink for a whole year.
Despite that I kept saying "When he's sober, he's the sweetest, most gentle man on earth and I have never felt this loved." (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
"No matter who we chose, there's always something we have to live with. I am used to A's, so it's fine with me that he takes a bender from time to time. I will check into a hotel and get pampered."
I didn't want to be codependent, so I told all my friends. They supported me, they didn't understand me, but they respect me and accepted my choice.
I 2015, he had 2 benders in January and his daughter threatened to move and never see him again and he promised that he wouldn't drink alcohol until she moved, but emphasized that he had made so much progress on the problem, that it really wasn't a problem any more. He looked forward to us drinking a glass of wine together.
It really isn't very bad, is it? I mean he's a sweet guy, he really loves me, I can tell - when he's sober.
Guess what happened when the daughter moved out on March 1st? First weekend came and he started on friday and went on for 24 hours. That's not so bad! I mean people go to town and party and have fun - that can last for 24 hours, right?! No harm in that!
Next weekend, he took the whole weekend. My body started to react. Feeling heavy, tired, exhausted, hopeless I withdrew to my workplace and found a couch where I could get some rest.
When I came home he told me he had planned a weeks holiday, starting last friday - and guess what? Yeah, you guessed it.... =/
Since it went so well, living together in my place, we decided that I could restructure my business and that would take a few years, so I put all my money into that and he said he would take care of our bills. (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
He is never verbally abusive. Then again.
It is clear that his spirituality is MUCH better than mine - his is more serious and searching, mine is Oneness and I don't talk about it a lot, it's personal. I sing happy songs and he finds that they are "striking something in him, that is unauthentic."
It is also clear that his drinking and smoking does not have the same impact on our economy, which suddenly seems to be in a very poor shape despite he has a great salery, as me having brunch with my friends or buying a nice lotion for myself. Every time I tell him about something I did for myself that involves money (MY money, because he does not pay for everything, we pay 50/50 for everthing except internet, electricity and vacations), he emphasizes that we have to "restructure our spending and save money to buy a house."
So no DIRECT abuse, but I can CLEARLY feel, that he is better than me, more serious than me and more important than me. Now where do I know that feeling from....hmmmm....let me seee...oh yes, my father....
I am the most important person in his life, he cannot phatom being without me and he is jalous - but apparently I am not so important that he will stop drinking.
Every time he has had a bender, he has 3 days where he is all remorse and promises. Now it's over, now he's turning the tides, now he knows what to be aware of.
He feels he can't get help from anyone, because they have to be wiser than him, more spiritual than him and the people who could be relevant are all dead - Osho and Gurdjeff. He has been through a ton of therapists, 3 while we've been together, but after 1-2 sessions he feels "he's not understood or the therapists isn't exactly what he's looking for."
He can't use AA, because he's not an alcoholic, he can't use Minnesota because he is not like them.
He's been in less denial within the last 6 months and a month ago he actually said that he was aware of his drinking, but that it was his way of coping and that he would not change it. I asked him where I was supposed to go when he drank and he said, he would never drink at home again...pffff...3 benders since then - on the couch.
Twice in the last 2 years - that I know of - he has gotten drunk and was mugged and got run over by a car.
I have signed up for every apartment service I could find and afford and there's really something I have to look at on the other side of this - I have 350 therapy sessions on my back, but it seems I fall for energy vampyres and men who are irrisponsible and addicted to either misery or alcohol or work. When I looko back, I see a VERY clear pattern. And I see that what is KEEPING me there, is the feeling of being important to them, like I was important to my father "We only have each other" was his favorite manipulation which made me lonely for many years because I felt I betrayed him if I had real friends....
I am exhausted now, but it was good writing about :*
I will have breakfast now and then read it again. I have started my process and I am on my way and there is light at the end of the tunnel....
Thank you for being out there
Meassi
I am going to Los Gatos in California on the 28th of April to see an old friend and see sites, but most of all, to get my energy back. My friend will be busy a lot of the time, but just getting away will be great! She has given me this to give me a break from him *heart*
The trip from where I live will be 15 hours, but I know that as soon as I get on that plane, I will feel better.
I remember writing being one of the best therapeutic means to healing, so I'll try to write what's happened so far.
My A partner is a binge alcoholic. I met him a year after leaving a severely depressed husband in the other end of the country, hubby was so sick he never shared anything with me so I had nothing. One month after leaving him, my father killed hiself and blamed me for it in his goodbye letter. (Long story, my father was a narcissistic)
When I met my partner, he was actually drinking 3 bottles of red wine every evening "to go to sleep". He was sober the first week and I had a hunch about him, so I asked him directly "Are you an alcoholic?" and he answered "Not to my knowledge". Very clever.
After 1 month I lost my home - I had just left a severely depressed husband and my whole life in another part of the country and has huge debts and 7 moving boxes - that's it. I got the small apartment for3 months from a friend, but she went back on it, so I had to relocate. He, my A, offered that I could stay with him without paying rent.
After a month of living together I knew I had to find a home for my self. He was helpless.
After three months I found out he had a girlfriend every other wednesday and he actually regarded her as the real girlfriend and me as a lover.
Another 2 months and I had my own place - the most beautiful place I ever had, I broke it off with him and enjoyed my beautiful new life.
After 6 months I called him about something I forgotten to take with me (I am SURE this was not coincidental!) and we started talking and he told me he was in better shape and had stopped the drinking.
He asked me out and I went and he seemes a lot better.
We became partners within the next 24 hours (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
In the next month he lost his home and he started in a project for A's working with cognitive skills to keep them sober. YAY! Now EVERYTHING IS GONNA GET BETTER!!! WOOOHOOO
So he moved in with me and didn't drink at all for 6 month. One month before the project was over, he was offerede a bigger apartment and asked me to move in with him - and I did. (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
His daughter, 24 years old, moved in with us as well. She seemed to be very affected by his drinking in the past and I was so thrilled to see her witness her dad being sober. She called him selfish and manipulative and I really couldn't see that. Poor thing, children of A's always see it from a worse perspective, I know, my mother was an A and my father was a binge A.
He had two benders in two months, then 2 months with drinking. Then he took a bender on my birthday which was really horrible for me as my birthdays are sacred because of my upbringing. So he promised to not drink for a whole year.
Despite that I kept saying "When he's sober, he's the sweetest, most gentle man on earth and I have never felt this loved." (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
"No matter who we chose, there's always something we have to live with. I am used to A's, so it's fine with me that he takes a bender from time to time. I will check into a hotel and get pampered."
I didn't want to be codependent, so I told all my friends. They supported me, they didn't understand me, but they respect me and accepted my choice.
I 2015, he had 2 benders in January and his daughter threatened to move and never see him again and he promised that he wouldn't drink alcohol until she moved, but emphasized that he had made so much progress on the problem, that it really wasn't a problem any more. He looked forward to us drinking a glass of wine together.
It really isn't very bad, is it? I mean he's a sweet guy, he really loves me, I can tell - when he's sober.
Guess what happened when the daughter moved out on March 1st? First weekend came and he started on friday and went on for 24 hours. That's not so bad! I mean people go to town and party and have fun - that can last for 24 hours, right?! No harm in that!
Next weekend, he took the whole weekend. My body started to react. Feeling heavy, tired, exhausted, hopeless I withdrew to my workplace and found a couch where I could get some rest.
When I came home he told me he had planned a weeks holiday, starting last friday - and guess what? Yeah, you guessed it.... =/
Since it went so well, living together in my place, we decided that I could restructure my business and that would take a few years, so I put all my money into that and he said he would take care of our bills. (OH MY GOD, is this really ME doing such a stupid thing?)
He is never verbally abusive. Then again.
It is clear that his spirituality is MUCH better than mine - his is more serious and searching, mine is Oneness and I don't talk about it a lot, it's personal. I sing happy songs and he finds that they are "striking something in him, that is unauthentic."
It is also clear that his drinking and smoking does not have the same impact on our economy, which suddenly seems to be in a very poor shape despite he has a great salery, as me having brunch with my friends or buying a nice lotion for myself. Every time I tell him about something I did for myself that involves money (MY money, because he does not pay for everything, we pay 50/50 for everthing except internet, electricity and vacations), he emphasizes that we have to "restructure our spending and save money to buy a house."
So no DIRECT abuse, but I can CLEARLY feel, that he is better than me, more serious than me and more important than me. Now where do I know that feeling from....hmmmm....let me seee...oh yes, my father....
I am the most important person in his life, he cannot phatom being without me and he is jalous - but apparently I am not so important that he will stop drinking.
Every time he has had a bender, he has 3 days where he is all remorse and promises. Now it's over, now he's turning the tides, now he knows what to be aware of.
He feels he can't get help from anyone, because they have to be wiser than him, more spiritual than him and the people who could be relevant are all dead - Osho and Gurdjeff. He has been through a ton of therapists, 3 while we've been together, but after 1-2 sessions he feels "he's not understood or the therapists isn't exactly what he's looking for."
He can't use AA, because he's not an alcoholic, he can't use Minnesota because he is not like them.
He's been in less denial within the last 6 months and a month ago he actually said that he was aware of his drinking, but that it was his way of coping and that he would not change it. I asked him where I was supposed to go when he drank and he said, he would never drink at home again...pffff...3 benders since then - on the couch.
Twice in the last 2 years - that I know of - he has gotten drunk and was mugged and got run over by a car.
I have signed up for every apartment service I could find and afford and there's really something I have to look at on the other side of this - I have 350 therapy sessions on my back, but it seems I fall for energy vampyres and men who are irrisponsible and addicted to either misery or alcohol or work. When I looko back, I see a VERY clear pattern. And I see that what is KEEPING me there, is the feeling of being important to them, like I was important to my father "We only have each other" was his favorite manipulation which made me lonely for many years because I felt I betrayed him if I had real friends....
I am exhausted now, but it was good writing about :*
I will have breakfast now and then read it again. I have started my process and I am on my way and there is light at the end of the tunnel....
Thank you for being out there
Meassi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Oh yes, one more thing (And I will probably discover more along the way).
He wants me to have a problem as well. When I was young I ate a LOT of candy. Today, I am 48, I eat candy maybe once a week and it's around 10 pieces. I don't even eat cake as I have Graves and sugar is really bad for me - I can feel the stress in my body right away.
The last year he seems to really be searching for something to blame me for, like today when I am playing "Best fiends" - a funny little match 3 game, while waiting for my nail polish to dry, he passes me and says, sort of accidental "Do you think you are gaming addicted?"
Oh my god...I giggle even thinking about it. He SO wants to wipe this of on me. He must be having so much terrible guilt and shame inside him - too much to carry, so he tries to share...well, thanks, but no thanks. I have issues, but my addiction is about the drama of loving him and I will do something about that! I AM doing something <3
He wants me to have a problem as well. When I was young I ate a LOT of candy. Today, I am 48, I eat candy maybe once a week and it's around 10 pieces. I don't even eat cake as I have Graves and sugar is really bad for me - I can feel the stress in my body right away.
The last year he seems to really be searching for something to blame me for, like today when I am playing "Best fiends" - a funny little match 3 game, while waiting for my nail polish to dry, he passes me and says, sort of accidental "Do you think you are gaming addicted?"
Oh my god...I giggle even thinking about it. He SO wants to wipe this of on me. He must be having so much terrible guilt and shame inside him - too much to carry, so he tries to share...well, thanks, but no thanks. I have issues, but my addiction is about the drama of loving him and I will do something about that! I AM doing something <3
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
He definitely matches the receptors you were raised with Meassi. He has managed to get you to agree to be dependent financially and emotionally. Lately there are several posters recognizing similar patterns of choosing the same broken types over and over. I don't see it as something easy to stop bc that is what gives us that zing of attraction.
P
P
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Yeah...but as I read the forum and the stories of others, I keep thinking that I am a crybaby and I should just suck it up. It's not like he's hitting me and verbally abusing me.
Maybe, compared to what others have to live with, I am quite fortunate.
He offered to go sober for a year again and apologize to those of my friend who we cancelled in the last weeks bender (We were supposed to have some friends over 2 nights for dinner.)
I am so doubtful. I could just be an attentionseeking dramaqueen.
Maybe everyone sees what I see because it's my version they get.
I am soooo broken =(
Maybe, compared to what others have to live with, I am quite fortunate.
He offered to go sober for a year again and apologize to those of my friend who we cancelled in the last weeks bender (We were supposed to have some friends over 2 nights for dinner.)
I am so doubtful. I could just be an attentionseeking dramaqueen.
Maybe everyone sees what I see because it's my version they get.
I am soooo broken =(
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
MeAssi thank you for sharing.
I am so glad you are here.
And while you may be broken now in your thread I saw a positive confident strong women who knows exactly where she wants to be.
You know what you want and you are heading down that path. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You did it before and you WILL do it again.
Please know we are right here supporting you.
I am currently making plans to leave my AH too. It sucks but I know in my heart I am done.
Myself and my children deserve better. It's hard but I am looking forward to the peace when I have my own front door and don't have to have a front row seat to him drinking himself almost into a coma every night 365 nights a year.
Take care of You and the rest will follow.
SR and Al Anon keep me sane whilst I am among the madness of it all. Your comment about him suggesting you had an addiction made me giggle...my AH has done that to me if I have a glass of wine lol!
Thank goodness for our humour too as let's face it we need a bit of that.
Take care strength and hope heading your way Phiz
I am so glad you are here.
And while you may be broken now in your thread I saw a positive confident strong women who knows exactly where she wants to be.
You know what you want and you are heading down that path. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You did it before and you WILL do it again.
Please know we are right here supporting you.
I am currently making plans to leave my AH too. It sucks but I know in my heart I am done.
Myself and my children deserve better. It's hard but I am looking forward to the peace when I have my own front door and don't have to have a front row seat to him drinking himself almost into a coma every night 365 nights a year.
Take care of You and the rest will follow.
SR and Al Anon keep me sane whilst I am among the madness of it all. Your comment about him suggesting you had an addiction made me giggle...my AH has done that to me if I have a glass of wine lol!
Thank goodness for our humour too as let's face it we need a bit of that.
Take care strength and hope heading your way Phiz
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi meassi I am so sorry for what your going through on another point your partner sounds very much like my stbxah!!!!
He is a binge drinker and I struggle to get my head round a binge drinker being an alcoholic, But he is. I thought so many times and still do its my fault he left as I was boring or anxious but hey I was anxious because he was a binge drinker and I never knew when life would fall apart again I constantly lived in an anxious state, he walked out after 18 years so he could drink unrestricted and without the guilt!!
Binge drinking is so hard to live with. I understand the days of remorse and wanting to buy gifts to make everything better only for their thinking to change and think they know the pitfalls to look out for next time they drink. For 18 years I experienced cycles of sobriety, although not active sobriety, he didn't seek support and if he did it was for 1/2 sessions then it was they don't understand, they can't help me or I don't want to talk about the issues they're raising!!!!
They are very good at manipulaltion and emotional abuse, turning everything round so it's our fault. Mine was also controlling and emotionally abuse, I'm only beginning to recognise that recently as I kept telling myself he's a loving man sober, but they are the same people even sober the manipulation and controlling behaviour continues!!!!
I'm glad your looking at ways to get out and I agree with phiz you do sound very strong. ((((Hugs))))
He is a binge drinker and I struggle to get my head round a binge drinker being an alcoholic, But he is. I thought so many times and still do its my fault he left as I was boring or anxious but hey I was anxious because he was a binge drinker and I never knew when life would fall apart again I constantly lived in an anxious state, he walked out after 18 years so he could drink unrestricted and without the guilt!!
Binge drinking is so hard to live with. I understand the days of remorse and wanting to buy gifts to make everything better only for their thinking to change and think they know the pitfalls to look out for next time they drink. For 18 years I experienced cycles of sobriety, although not active sobriety, he didn't seek support and if he did it was for 1/2 sessions then it was they don't understand, they can't help me or I don't want to talk about the issues they're raising!!!!
They are very good at manipulaltion and emotional abuse, turning everything round so it's our fault. Mine was also controlling and emotionally abuse, I'm only beginning to recognise that recently as I kept telling myself he's a loving man sober, but they are the same people even sober the manipulation and controlling behaviour continues!!!!
I'm glad your looking at ways to get out and I agree with phiz you do sound very strong. ((((Hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Thank you so much for your words of support! I almost caved today.
Wednesday I am going to go see a room and I nearly cancelled it because of my insecurity.
Ok, a room might not be what I dreamed off, but it's a place with QUIET and a LOCK on the door that is MINE
Dear Butterfly - I will try to read some of your previous posts, but please share how your husband is controlling and abusive, because he sounds A LOT like my partner.
Thank you
Best
Mette
Wednesday I am going to go see a room and I nearly cancelled it because of my insecurity.
Ok, a room might not be what I dreamed off, but it's a place with QUIET and a LOCK on the door that is MINE
Dear Butterfly - I will try to read some of your previous posts, but please share how your husband is controlling and abusive, because he sounds A LOT like my partner.
Thank you
Best
Mette
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