He comes home monday
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: carolina beach
Posts: 77
He comes home monday
He went into the hospital Monday, they sent him someplace else on Tuesday under 7 day involuntary commitment.
He has called numerous times a day but we haven't really said anything. I seem to make excuses for his behavior to myself, hes withdrawing, hes upset about wheres hes at, etc. However, I also see and feel myself changing, will I finally have had enough, will I give him another chance, I don't know how this will all unfold for us. Examples of whats been going on.
Wednesdays conversation: I told him my exhusband told my daughter that he was an cocaine addict before he married me and that I gave him a choice, me or cocaine. I had never told my guy about it. it was 26 years ago. Before I finished my guy stopped me and said "I called to talk about me and the place Im staying at." He then proceeded to tell me how he didn't need to be there and the place sucked. Conversation ended after he was done talking.
He did call a couple times this day to tell me he will be getting out on Monday at 10AM, can I pick him up? My answer has been I dont know, My work is upset for leaving Monday to come home and call the ambulance for you.(I was gone for 30-45 minutes and did NOT follow him to the hospital. I went right back to work. I work about 2 miles from home.) In one of these conversations I told him I was thinking about going to a concert downtown. He didnt say anything but I could tell he did not like that. I didn't care.
Thursdays conversation: I was telling him about a sweet text a friend sent me, he interrupted and said they are not friends of mine and I really don't care what they said. I said excuse me, this is about me, I don't like your drunk friends but you tell me stories all the time. I don't care about the bar regulars that you've been coming home telling me about but I listen. I then said you know what, I don't know what any of your people doing because Im not at the bar. So, I guess we have nothing to talk about. Conversation ended.
He called a couple times about me picking him up. I explained I was nervous about asking. However, I would ask. In the am conversation the only things that were said were do you know if you can pick me up and are you going to the concert? In his after call, no conversation again, just the same two questions.The PM conversation was just those two AGAIN, I still didn't know about picking him but said I was going to the concert. He quickly said well, I let you go then and have fun (smart a35 way)
Fridays conversation: Am call - How was the concert, guess you have more fun with me and can you pick me up. Conversation ended. Afternoon conversation was just I need to know if you can get me. I said give me a couple hours and call me back. As we hung up the phone, I said to myself (out loud) You just don't love me at all. He immediately called me right back but I had just walked back into work and didnt answer. He called the office phone about an hour later and asked me if I said that. I said yes and he explained how much that borrowed him, he loved me very much and hated that he had made me feel like that. He was in a bad mood, locked up, hasnt been able to smoke in 5 days, etc. That he was sorry. He called back later to see if I would pick him up on Monday. I said I would.
Friday nights conversation was finally like I was talking to the man I knew and loved, not the addict. He apologized for treating me the way he had the past 3 weeks while he was drinking. He would like to get home and figure this all out together, he loved me, etc.
TRUTH OR MANIPULATION???? I dont know anymore.
STILL!!
He has called numerous times a day but we haven't really said anything. I seem to make excuses for his behavior to myself, hes withdrawing, hes upset about wheres hes at, etc. However, I also see and feel myself changing, will I finally have had enough, will I give him another chance, I don't know how this will all unfold for us. Examples of whats been going on.
Wednesdays conversation: I told him my exhusband told my daughter that he was an cocaine addict before he married me and that I gave him a choice, me or cocaine. I had never told my guy about it. it was 26 years ago. Before I finished my guy stopped me and said "I called to talk about me and the place Im staying at." He then proceeded to tell me how he didn't need to be there and the place sucked. Conversation ended after he was done talking.
He did call a couple times this day to tell me he will be getting out on Monday at 10AM, can I pick him up? My answer has been I dont know, My work is upset for leaving Monday to come home and call the ambulance for you.(I was gone for 30-45 minutes and did NOT follow him to the hospital. I went right back to work. I work about 2 miles from home.) In one of these conversations I told him I was thinking about going to a concert downtown. He didnt say anything but I could tell he did not like that. I didn't care.
Thursdays conversation: I was telling him about a sweet text a friend sent me, he interrupted and said they are not friends of mine and I really don't care what they said. I said excuse me, this is about me, I don't like your drunk friends but you tell me stories all the time. I don't care about the bar regulars that you've been coming home telling me about but I listen. I then said you know what, I don't know what any of your people doing because Im not at the bar. So, I guess we have nothing to talk about. Conversation ended.
He called a couple times about me picking him up. I explained I was nervous about asking. However, I would ask. In the am conversation the only things that were said were do you know if you can pick me up and are you going to the concert? In his after call, no conversation again, just the same two questions.The PM conversation was just those two AGAIN, I still didn't know about picking him but said I was going to the concert. He quickly said well, I let you go then and have fun (smart a35 way)
Fridays conversation: Am call - How was the concert, guess you have more fun with me and can you pick me up. Conversation ended. Afternoon conversation was just I need to know if you can get me. I said give me a couple hours and call me back. As we hung up the phone, I said to myself (out loud) You just don't love me at all. He immediately called me right back but I had just walked back into work and didnt answer. He called the office phone about an hour later and asked me if I said that. I said yes and he explained how much that borrowed him, he loved me very much and hated that he had made me feel like that. He was in a bad mood, locked up, hasnt been able to smoke in 5 days, etc. That he was sorry. He called back later to see if I would pick him up on Monday. I said I would.
Friday nights conversation was finally like I was talking to the man I knew and loved, not the addict. He apologized for treating me the way he had the past 3 weeks while he was drinking. He would like to get home and figure this all out together, he loved me, etc.
TRUTH OR MANIPULATION???? I dont know anymore.
STILL!!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: carolina beach
Posts: 77
FYI - The concert was great until right before it was over and I ran into one of the local bartenders, of course a great friend of his, a young girl. (She is not a threat to my relationship, that's not an issue at all) She of course asked if I was with him. I explained I was not that he had to go back to the ER room on Monday due to his drinking. She was so upset ... She then proceeded to tell me that 2 weeks ago was the first time she had seen him and she asked him why he was at drinking and the bar, She explained to me that he said he had gotten bored the past sober months so .... I did tell her that I'm not the bi&*# his bar friends and they all make me out to be. The fact is plain and simple, he is not just an alcoholic that will kill himself in 20 or 30 years from drinking. He is an alcoholic who is killing himself today. In fact, after 3 weeks of drinking everyday the ambulance came to take him to the hospital. As much as they all love him so much, they don't help by throwing him that extra beer for free, texting him that they are working to come on up they'd love to see him or telling him how much they missed him and are so glad he is finally out again.
My night ended after that and I left early. I left the island so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this, it's a small island and everyone knows everyone. I went into the bathroom and had tears coming ... He was at the bar because he was bored with me at home??? Great ... Didn't make me feel very good inside.
My night ended after that and I left early. I left the island so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this, it's a small island and everyone knows everyone. I went into the bathroom and had tears coming ... He was at the bar because he was bored with me at home??? Great ... Didn't make me feel very good inside.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: carolina beach
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One last subject Id like to share, some ways I'm seeing myself change.
He had not washed his clothes since he started drinking, The hamper is stuffed full and there is a pile beside it. When I had to back his bag to go to the treatment, I handed him his stuff and said "Hey, there's no underwear in there, you haven't washed any of your clothes" That would have NEVER happened before. The pile is still in the corner and I am not washing it. I'm OCD and it is actually hard but ... I'm not. I'm not cleaning up his mess. I usually wash all the clothes but once he was out drinking and just sleeping here. No!!
I would have told him the very first second he told me he was out Monday at 10 ... No question even asked, I would have been like no one can stop me from getting you. Not now, although I did end up saying I would get him in the end I wasn't excited about it. He needs to stay longer as far as I'm concerned but I'm not the Doctor.
There are a few other things around the house that I'm not going to handle, his mess.
I told him I'm just tired of being his mom, I'm his lover not his mom. Life on my side of these wasn't all peaches and creme either.
I've been stand offish, he hasn't been like he was last time with a plan and hope. His big plan is he has set up an appt. for Tuesday with a Psychiatrist, alcohol isn't his problem. He has PTS from his dad dying years ago. Not that it doesn't tear him up, he was the donor and it failed. He talks about every time he drinks but ... He was an alcoholic before that just turned it up a notch. He does need help for that, depression, drinking, communication and learning some coping skill.
I told him hes going to have to deal with what happened in the past few weeks. If we are going to have a chance it has to be dealt with. A lot of damage has been done and I'm not sure it can ok for me.
He is negative 500 bucks in his account, I'm not bailing him out. He's on his own and he will be missing a paycheck this week and only getting 1/2 of one next week. That is not my problem. Although, I did pay the rent. :-( I had no choice, really.
I will not take the back seat anymore, sit beside me on this ride or get out of the car.
Things are changing inside me and he is seeing it, I think. Now that he's not drunk.
He had not washed his clothes since he started drinking, The hamper is stuffed full and there is a pile beside it. When I had to back his bag to go to the treatment, I handed him his stuff and said "Hey, there's no underwear in there, you haven't washed any of your clothes" That would have NEVER happened before. The pile is still in the corner and I am not washing it. I'm OCD and it is actually hard but ... I'm not. I'm not cleaning up his mess. I usually wash all the clothes but once he was out drinking and just sleeping here. No!!
I would have told him the very first second he told me he was out Monday at 10 ... No question even asked, I would have been like no one can stop me from getting you. Not now, although I did end up saying I would get him in the end I wasn't excited about it. He needs to stay longer as far as I'm concerned but I'm not the Doctor.
There are a few other things around the house that I'm not going to handle, his mess.
I told him I'm just tired of being his mom, I'm his lover not his mom. Life on my side of these wasn't all peaches and creme either.
I've been stand offish, he hasn't been like he was last time with a plan and hope. His big plan is he has set up an appt. for Tuesday with a Psychiatrist, alcohol isn't his problem. He has PTS from his dad dying years ago. Not that it doesn't tear him up, he was the donor and it failed. He talks about every time he drinks but ... He was an alcoholic before that just turned it up a notch. He does need help for that, depression, drinking, communication and learning some coping skill.
I told him hes going to have to deal with what happened in the past few weeks. If we are going to have a chance it has to be dealt with. A lot of damage has been done and I'm not sure it can ok for me.
He is negative 500 bucks in his account, I'm not bailing him out. He's on his own and he will be missing a paycheck this week and only getting 1/2 of one next week. That is not my problem. Although, I did pay the rent. :-( I had no choice, really.
I will not take the back seat anymore, sit beside me on this ride or get out of the car.
Things are changing inside me and he is seeing it, I think. Now that he's not drunk.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: carolina beach
Posts: 77
I do NOT want to be manipulated anymore!! I also don't want to walk away from the man I love if he really, in his heart, wants to give this 100%. I believe in him and that he can stop drinking. The help is out there, he is a strong minded man, he just has to put not drinking first. However, I believed in him when he stopped last year but now he relapsed. Am I giving up to early? Am I just wasting time? Even if hes being honest and not manipulating me am I still just wasting time. He is 38 years old, maybe he wants to be ready but really isn't.
Why didn't he come with a manual???
They also forgot to give me one for my kids when I had them. Who do I talk to about these manuals??? ;-)
Why didn't he come with a manual???
They also forgot to give me one for my kids when I had them. Who do I talk to about these manuals??? ;-)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Shelli, I can see you're pretty strung out about him coming home. Good luck with that, I hope he does have a plan and stick to it, but if it goes pear shaped you also have a plan and can work out how to go it alone.
As a former A I can say that it doesn't matter what causes you to rely on alcohol, once you start drinking to excess you do get dependent, and it's very hard to pull it back to moderation. In other circumstances you might not have become that way, but once you do your brain seems to adapt and you can't drink in moderation any more.
i understand what you say about him maybe wanting to be ready rather than actually being ready. I really hope this isn't true.
As a former A I can say that it doesn't matter what causes you to rely on alcohol, once you start drinking to excess you do get dependent, and it's very hard to pull it back to moderation. In other circumstances you might not have become that way, but once you do your brain seems to adapt and you can't drink in moderation any more.
i understand what you say about him maybe wanting to be ready rather than actually being ready. I really hope this isn't true.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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He does know what makes my dance. Just like my kids. In so many ways he's just like one of my kids.
I felt peace when he first left. Didn't worry was he was Ok, what time he'd get home and what unpredictable mood he'd be in but now ... I'm on edge. I'm putting a lot of thought into if I just like feeling like this. Why do I keep doing this. Do I like normal life? Is it that he makes me feel very needed? I have to have put my self here and stayed here for some reason, that part is all on me!! I am so unsure right now about this.
I felt peace when he first left. Didn't worry was he was Ok, what time he'd get home and what unpredictable mood he'd be in but now ... I'm on edge. I'm putting a lot of thought into if I just like feeling like this. Why do I keep doing this. Do I like normal life? Is it that he makes me feel very needed? I have to have put my self here and stayed here for some reason, that part is all on me!! I am so unsure right now about this.
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Wow ... Oddly enough he has called me every morning, mud morning, early afternoon and twice at night. Its 1:40pl and guess who hasn't called ... I'm feeling like because I said I'd come get him Monday, there's no reason for him to call. I'm sure he'll call tonight but I'm just feeling used.
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Originally Posted by Shelliszoo 
As every hour goes by I feel like I've been played more and more .... I'm sure he'll come up something for not calling. I wish He could feel my hurt!!
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Join Date: May 2014
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It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind about picking him up and anything that does not feel right within your gut. You need to take care of you and your children first. Your needs, feelings, hopes and wants are more important than his. My stbxah did all and does all of what yours is doing to you. He will be syrupy sweet and "apologize" when he wants something. But what I have noticed is I had gotten so used to the horrible treatment from him that his syrupy sweet isn't really that great. It isn't as nice as a normal person's nice to any stranger. And his apologies are always generic. Like I'm sorry I know I did some horrible things or I'm sorry I treated you badly. But never apologizes for the actual thing he did that was so bad! If he is going to apologize I want specifics on what exactly is he apologizing for. Because he was specific when he put his hands around my throat and choked me until I almost passed out, etc. I hope you will take a step back and look at him being "nice" and see exactly how nice his nice really is. I was at lowes last night looking at washer and dryers. A perfect stranger started talking to me. He was a contractor and had done all of this research on appliances and knew all the consumer reports and he was looking for a washer. So he helped me and taught me what he had learned. He also helped teach me how to use this tool I had in my buggy to scrape popcorn ceilings. It was so nice! If my stbxah ever showed that kind of interest in what I was doing or spent that kind of time finding out what I was thinking or doing I would do back flips. As I got in my car to leave, I thought how sad it was that a 30 minute conversation with a stranger over appliances and tools was probably the nicest evening out I had in years. How pathetic! I just want you to try to see your A for who he is and not who you want him to be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Originally Posted by searching peace
As I got in my car to leave, I thought how sad it was that a 30 minute conversation with a stranger over appliances and tools was probably the nicest evening out I had in years. How pathetic! I just want you to try to see your A for who he is and not who you want him to be.
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