Weird way of trying to make amends?
 

So... a quick recap for those who don't know my story.

AH went to treatment last December, got out- drank a week later, beat me up, went to jail, got out of jail after a week, got on some psych meds and has been sober (with no dry drunkness) ever since.

He has never actually, really apologized for his behavior. He has said that he has made a lot of bad choices in the past two years. He also admitted to looking at a lot of pornography which, according to him "made him really angry at women and way more jealous".

Fast-forward to now--

He built all the kids closets for their rooms and he is remodeling our bathroom. He does custom cabinets and is asking me to pick out a stain that I would like on the wood (for the bathroom vanity) and telling me that he is building it for me. He is installing a new window in our bedroom, and all this weird stuff. He also got the family a new cat (cutest damn cat ever- his name is Freddy Mercury because he has cat AIDS) and he's putting a chainlink fence outside so the dogs can be free to roam......

I'm happy about the home improvements- but is this all some strange tactic to "make up" for bad behavior without having to give a "real" apology?
Should I even be putting thought into that- or just be grateful?

This guy is strange....I don't get him......

Sounds like he's just trying to get back in the door to me free. . .

I think you should stick to a full year of him doing his recovery on his own.
He has many other problems besides drinking which quite frankly will need
to be addressed with therapy and lots of sober time.

No time off for good behavior or any such thing.

Yup, he is trying to make you feel beholden to him--look what I'm doing for you and the kids, I'm spending all this time and money on this house, of COURSE you're going to let me come back--look at all the sweat equity I've put in.

IOW, there are strings attached--he just hasn't told you that yet.

Personally, I would sooner live with the house as it is and get someone else to do any needed repairs/improvements when you can afford them.

Before I bought this disaster of a town home, I was considering buying a condo that was under construction. My last ex (not alcoholic, but a liar and very manipulative), whom I had broken up with the previous year, offered to help me pick out floor tile. I'd never shopped for floor tile, and was inclined to do it when one of my friends asked me, "Are you INSANE?? Do NOT let this guy help you pick out floor tiles or anything else--in fact, don't let him know anything about your plans." And she was right. I said no. And I'm very, very glad that I did.

Freeto - when you say last December do you mean Dec of 2014 or Dec of 2013??

I am wondering if you feel he has changed for the better? If it's only been a couple months, that would be hard to believe - but over a year, perhaps you're witnessing real change??!!?

I do not know things from your side of the fence but have learned from others that changes in behaviors = actions is many time better than words. Words are words but changing behaviors takes time and sometimes bears witness to real change.....if that makes any sense.

All that said, no one ever has any right to put hands on another nor verbally abuse them, period. Curious about how you view his behavior today...... do you perceive it to be real???

FTS, could it be that the meds are actually working? Are they a new treatment where the doctors have got it right? Just a thought.

You know him well; does it feel like he's manipulating you?

No, I don't FEEL like he is manipulating me....but I'm relatively new in my own recovery and want to make sure I'm seeing the situation for what it IS- not how my codie brain sees it.....

And yes, it was December of 2014 that he went to treatment.

I guess I would like to give him credit for what he has done. He is NOT drinking, he has NOT been abusive, he has been working his ass off to catch us up on bills (all these home improvement supplies have been left overs from other jobs that his boss told him he could have)..........BUT (there's always a but)--- it really HASN'T been long at all. He still has sooooo much work to do in his own recovery-- but I would be skipping on over to his side of the street if I poked and prodded in that area.

I do honestly believe the meds are working. The kids have noticed, I have noticed, even his boss has noticed.

More will be revealed, I suppose....

I am just so confused. I will continue to be cautious, I will stick with the 6 months of sobriety before working on marriage, and I will continue to work in my own recovery.

Lex, I do feel the "strings"---- I just don't know what they are yet......

Very confused.

(plus, I have finals coming up and I'm terrified I'm going to do horrible on my math-- that class has been real rough on me as some of you know)

Well, I think the "strings" are his expectations that you will show your "appreciation" for his efforts by taking him back to live with you.

You could ask him, but I'm not sure he'd tell you the truth.

You're right, though, "more will be revealed."

I think that giving him "credit" is exactly what he wants. He hasn't been drunk or abusive in the past 4 months. Because of his history that may look like a real accomplishment on his part, but it isn't. It's how most people live their lives ALL THE TIME, not just when they're trying to weasel their way back into someone's good graces.
Take care free. You deserve to be this happy all the time, not just when an abuser decides to allow it for awhile to serve his own motives.

Alot of man (addictions or not) aren't very good at apologizing so they do it through actions. I prefer actions over an apology and the same bloody behavior personally.

what exactly is a codie brain?

Freetosmile-hope the best for you. I'm sorta in a similar situation, sorta. My AH (still actively drinkly) and I are having some hard knocks lately and he will not apologize for anything, now.

He is usually the first to say sorry, sorry this, sorry that. He is a 'sorry' kind of a guy. I have complained to him over the years about over using the 'sorry' word. He uses that word so freely with everyone around him. 'Sorry' is his magic word, gets him out of trouble. I mean think about it, when a person says sorry to you, you are more inclined to forgive him, right. After awhile the the word sorry made my gut curdle. But now, when He should say it...nothing.

I do not know what he is up to...

freetosmile.....there is no way that you are obligated to this guy. NO way at all!

When a person voluntarily gives or does something for another.....it is a gift. A gift does not require anything back.
If, however, the thing or service is given with the expectation of something back, in return, it is a manipulation (not gift).

I"ll give you the example of a man that I knew very well--we worked together for several y ears. He was divorced and had 3 children. He an his ex shared custody.....
This guy was crazy about his kids....couldn't do enough for them and the ex....
He later, remarried as did his children's mother.
I never, once, heard his say that the children's mother "owed" him a thing. He never seemed to resent what he gave or saw it as any kind of leverage. He just wanted his kids to know that he loved them.....

Just remember that you do not owe this man anything.


dandylion

It will hon!

Either hes trying, but can't do the work forever, and the cracks will start to show.
or
The rare miracle many of us are waiting for happened. Anything is possible.

Seems the only way to know for sure is time, and saying NO when it hasn't been enough time. What a mind trip I feel for ya girl!

My codie brain refers to my codependency. I was very unhealthy when I first came here. I'm getting better, but still have a long way to go.

Free, keep in mind this is what "normal" husbands do in every day life and don't expect the red carpet to be rolled out for them bc of it. Don't be doing cartwheels for him yet.

So true.

Only he knows his true motivation but it probably is to get a foot back in the door. Four months is kind of early. I don't know how much he drank but my brain was at its foggiest at four months and I was only a 15 beer a day lightweight.

One thought as far as a formal apology or amends. I was told to get some clean time prior to doing either. Time to both work on myself and for the receiver to see that I was serious about sobriety and not just manipulating again.

I'm an alkie and I approve this message.

To apologize for something means you take the responsibility of having done it, which he may not be willing to do. But if he does apologize, what does that mean? That he'll never hit you again? More important are YOUR feelings and actions. Do you trust and respect him?

When I was four months quit, I was still nuts. It is very early days. Took my a good couple of years solidly working my program to become a proper grown up!

All of these responses are great and I appreciate it tremendously.

I haven't felt like he expects praise or the "red carpet" for all he has done...but I feel like the strings may be attached without him saying anything or me feeling anything.

It is really early in the game though isn't it? He has a long way to go. So do I......

Thanks guys.

I will stick with the- more will be revealed and to proceed cautiously...also I remember that normal people do this stuff all the time for their families (so don't read too much into it) but also that normal people do this stuff for their families WITHOUT strings. I will also remember that I don't OWE him anything. It is a gift. I am not obligated to let him back in any sooner or anything (although he hasn't even made that implication--yet)

love you guys

You can give him credit by acknowledging all the positive things he's doing but that does not mean moving, readjusting, or dismantling your boundaries or decisions on what is in your best interest. That is the tricky part for people with co-dependent traits.