MrQuit

I've heard this term bandied around a lot and I'm confused. Is this just someone who has fallen in love with an alcoholic?

LexieCat

No, it's short for co-dependent. A co-dependent is someone who has an unhealthy enmeshment with another person--not necessarily an alcoholic, but many partners of alcoholics consider themselves to be co-dependent. I don't consider myself to be co-dependent by nature, though I have certainly engaged in co-dependent-type behaviors. Mine were pretty much totally related to the insanity of living with an alcoholic.

MrQuit

Ah, got ya. Anyone cogent can be a codependent then. It's just empathy and overindulgence in caring. I think it's a good thing to be like that.

SparkleKitty

The key to Lexie's definition is "unhealthy." For me, codependence was an enmeshment with another person so deep that I ceased to see myself as a person independent of them. It's good to care for other people, sure. It's not good to concern yourself so much with another person's life that you stop having one of your own. And it's usual not terribly welcome.

MrQuit

OUCH.

I've done that, even in healthy relationships, and I think girls have with me too actually. I'm starting to wonder who hasn't ever done this, and whether we're all codependent underneath it all.

HeartsAfire

Most co-dependents see nothing wrong with their behavior. I never did. Until I was faced with my ex-husband's addiction. Then I found out quickly just how detrimental Codie behavior is not only to themselves, but to the rest of their family. At the end of my relationship w/my ex I was just as sick (if not more) than him.

Here's a little more info:

Codependency Relationships - Codependent

Home - CoDA.org

LexieCat

Well, as I said, for some people it's a very ingrained part of their personality--they will tend to be that way in any relationship, and they are likely to choose relationships based on what's comfortable for them (one where they can be co-dependent)--they might be attracted to others who are almost like "projects"--someone who "needs" them. Other people (and this is how I view myself) aren't particularly attracted to that role but rather kind of fall into it because of the unhealthy dynamics of living with an alcoholic or someone with a similar problem. I extricated myself fairly quickly compared to many people because I'm not comfortable in that kind of role.

I'm not suggesting I'm any "better" than anyone else--heck, I'm an alcoholic (sober six years), but I simply don't have that co-dependent "bent" or inclination.

SparkleKitty

For me, it was all about focusing on anything other than myself and my own issues. Not unlike an addiction, but to another person. I learned it growing up in a home with an alcoholic mother and codependent father. Life revolved around the rest of managing the environment so Mom wouldn't get angry. We felt like we had to be perfect. We were constantly walking on eggshells and monitoring Mom for her responses to what we were doing or not doing.

As an adult I brought this "survival behavior" into my relationships. I had to do, be, say the right thing in order to be good enough to be loved. I didn't get it that those behaviors were not relevant in a healthy relationship, and I had no model of what a healthy relationship even was. It wasn't until I let go of all relationships and dove into therapy to build my self-esteem that I stopped engaging in unhealthy, codependent behavior, set some good boundaries for myself, and formed some healthy and fulfilling relationships.

MrQuit

Thanks HaF, I'll have a gander. I find this label tricky to objectify because we've all been 'codies' at some point in our lives, it comes in waves dependent on situation, and I just see it as being a reasonable human. Dunno.

But I guess 'Codependent' is an antonym for 'independent' and if you can't depend on yourself then you're lost.

AnvilheadII

co-dependency is the loss of boundaries.....you lose yourself in THEM. you feel what you think THEY feel, think what you think THEY think, and every action you take is with THEM in mind. you take on the job of trying to make THEM ok, so you will be ok. their mood defines everything.....you walk on eggshells, trying to control the environment so THEY will be calm. your spouse or partner becomes THE most important focus of your life.....before jobs, family, children, self.

MrQuit

Sweet Jesus. So you're sacrificing yourself to live someone else's life for them, while they're sacrificing their life to alcohol, because they don't want to live their life at all.

I don't know what's worse, alcoholism or codeism.

RedDog735

MrQuit- I think codependency is dangerous when it involves an addict. Sure, we may have all been a codie once before in a previous relationship but not to the point where it consumes YOU and your life. I know as for me, and my mind set with my ex alcoholic bf, I thought I could change him, control him, cure him, manipulate him into drinking cessation, YOU NAME IT. I used to plan ahead, weeks upon weeks, in order to avoid our days with alcohol, only to see that it eventually lead to him drinking more and as a result, it lead to me thinking of other UNHEALTHY ways to help/change/cure him.

One is not any worse than the other, either. What I do know is that they fuel off of each other and can end up in a very unhealthy and unsuccessful relationship.

HeartsAfire

EXACTLY the same for me.

Duckygirl1

Humans are made to be dependent on each other for survival, there are stages in a persons life. Dependance- when we are children we literally depend on our parents for everything. We would die out as a species without it.

Independence- think teens and early adulthood when we are learning to spread our wings and fly. We need support, but we want to get out there and live life on our own terms.

Then there is interdependence- we come together and form families and the bond between the adults needs to be strong and cooperative in order to give the young dependents an atmosphere to grow up physically and mentally healthy.

Co dependance is a malignant form of dependency usually exhibited by people who's dependent phase was disrupted. Quite possibly from being raised by parents who were distant for some reason, possibly an addiction of there own. A co dependent will remain in a destructive relationship rather than let go. They will do anything to keep the bond, even to the point of living with violence.

Sometimes it's just a person seeking interdependence, but lacks skills in the area. We don't teach interdependence or the importance of it in America. We teach independence ad nauseum.

Every person will exhibit "Codie" behavior at some point. Not everyone who sacrifices themselves for the sake of others is Codie. Some behaviors are born of religious teachings. Mother Teresa springs to mind. Some is born of a sense of social justice and serving humanity like lawyers, social workers and nurses. They don't turn off those impulses when they leave work. But it's not Codie until it causes damage to the person or those they are in relationship with and the "Codie" can't extract themselves from the relationship. Some Codie's could even be considered "addicted" to their partner and suffer withdrawal, not just normal grief, but withdrawal when to relationship ends. There's lots more, but thats my 2 cents. Hope it helped.