Helpless and hopeless

Old 04-15-2015, 04:52 AM
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Helpless and hopeless

I joined this website in hopes to find people who are feeling similar to what I feel... My husband of 14 years is an alcoholic.. About 7 months ago I finally lost it and left for about 2 months.. Of course his promises of change brought me back.. And the fact that I didn't want to deal with the emotions.. Through the years I was able to tolerate the behavior, but now every time I look at my husband I am disgusted. I still love him and don't want to leave, but at the same time he disgusts me and I don't want to be with him.. It is amazing to me how selfish he is.. If I even bring up his drinking we get into a BIG fight.. Curse words are thrown ect.. (never physicial). I will say however.. The things this man has said to me over the last 14 years has really destroyed my respect for him... (verbal) We tried marraige counceling and he didn't like what the therapist had to say so he stopped going and when I came back and slowly slipped back to old habits. To make matters worse he is 19 years older than me.. He has the mind set that I should always be home and cater to him.. I am 38 and I want to have fun. My friends have been there for me to support me. (They don't know to much) and I have fun with them.. Kind of like an outlet.. He doenst get it.. I don't want to be around him drinking and I have been very verbal about that but he is so single minded he will not see it from my view point.. Can anyone please give me some advice on ways to get through to him, see how much i am hurt and how to deal with my alcoholic husband?? Desperate.. Thanks for listening
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Old 04-15-2015, 05:10 AM
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Hi, and yes, we all get what you're dealing with. Unfortunately, there is little you can do to "get through to him." You came back based on his promises to change. He hasn't done that--in fact, he's done what alcoholics do when they continue to drink--get worse.

I highly suggest that you start attending Al-Anon. It will help you deal with the "emotions" that you said brought you back. When you get on solid ground with what you want for yourself and your life, you'll be in a better position to make decisions about how you want your future to look. This situation will NOT get better on its own. There are tools such as setting boundaries for yourself in terms of what you will tolerate, and detachment, which can help you to cope with life with an alcoholic. Those aren't great as a long-term solution, but they can help make the present more bearable.
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Old 04-15-2015, 05:31 AM
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Oh, my dear. First off welcome, you are definitely in the right place. Well, I am not the expert in advice for sure, but there is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that you can change anything and everything in life that you want to! The bad news is that the only thing you can't change is him. That sounds depressing, but actually it's freeing in a way. As you learn about the nature of addiction you will start to learn that his condition is not your fault and you can't cure it. It's not you. So the burden of "saving" him is off of your shoulders.

You have to start with yourself not him. You will see in many posts here the analogy of being on a crashing plane with a child. The first thing you have to do is put on YOUR oxygen mask before theirs. So your first step is to get support for you. There are al a non meetings, therapist and for many, just coming here has been a life saver. I encourage you to not only read the posts here, but also in the Alcholism forum to get a dragons eye view of this condition. It will give you some insight into what's going on in your husbands head and let you see what worked, is working and didn't wiork with many of them. In no case, has fighting and nagging worked. He will have to hit his rock bottom before he can bounce back up. That may mean you stepping back and letting him.


You said that you don't want to be around him drinking and have made that clear verbally. That is called setting a boundary. However it sounds like it's an imperfect boundary because you're still fighting about it. As you learn to step away (detach) setting boundaries will become "easier". You will not have to fight about not wanting to be around him drinking. You will simply remove yourself from his presence. Again, the boundary is not for him or to manipulate him, it's to give you mental and emotional distance so that you can think and have some peace.


Alcoholism is a progressive condition that gets worse without intervention. The best intervention is fruitless if the A does not want help or is in denial like yours. Alcoholism is a beast that will protect itself at all costs. He didn't like what the therapist said, because it was getting in the way of his drinking. His entire world is viewed from the stand point of protecting the drinking. You can't get through to him, he can't empathize with your feelings, he can see how much your hurt, but he doesn't, can't care. feelings of ambiguity, of loving and hating him at the same time is normal.

So, my advice is read! Read! Read! Ask! Ask! Ask! Vent! vent! Vent! Good luck! (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-15-2015, 08:11 AM
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The SR members who gave you advice above me here are right.
I'll be less wordy.

There is no understanding it.
There is no getting through to your A.
Alcoholism is progressive and this will all get worse.

To be honest you are fighting a losing battle.

The BEST thing you can do is take care of you.
Get to Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery, or similar group for YOU.

Stop wasting your time and energy on trying to figure him and his alcoholism out, because the fact is, you won't.
Use your time and energy on yourself.
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Old 04-15-2015, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by micgeo View Post
I joined this website in hopes to find people who are feeling similar to what I feel... My husband of 14 years is an alcoholic.. About 7 months ago I finally lost it and left for about 2 months.. Of course his promises of change brought me back.. And the fact that I didn't want to deal with the emotions.. Through the years I was able to tolerate the behavior, but now every time I look at my husband I am disgusted. I still love him and don't want to leave, but at the same time he disgusts me and I don't want to be with him.. It is amazing to me how selfish he is.. If I even bring up his drinking we get into a BIG fight.. Curse words are thrown ect.. (never physicial). I will say however.. The things this man has said to me over the last 14 years has really destroyed my respect for him... (verbal) We tried marraige counceling and he didn't like what the therapist had to say so he stopped going and when I came back and slowly slipped back to old habits. To make matters worse he is 19 years older than me.. He has the mind set that I should always be home and cater to him.. I am 38 and I want to have fun. My friends have been there for me to support me. (They don't know to much) and I have fun with them.. Kind of like an outlet.. He doenst get it.. I don't want to be around him drinking and I have been very verbal about that but he is so single minded he will not see it from my view point.. Can anyone please give me some advice on ways to get through to him, see how much i am hurt and how to deal with my alcoholic husband?? Desperate.. Thanks for listening
May I ask what the response is you get when you want to go out with your friends? Are you going out with them or are you turning down opportunities because of the reaction from your AH?
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Old 04-15-2015, 02:20 PM
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Thats a whole other issue.. He gets very jealous. Says i am married so i should be home.. He gets mad at me most times.. Especially if i get home late.. I really dont care what he thinks but i am tired of arguing about it or "getting in trouble" for it.. He told me once in the middle of an argument that he is a grown man and if he wants to drink he will drink, my response was i am a griwn woman.. Seems like a one way road and i am numb.. You know, he has a goid job and the drinking doesnt affect his work at all.. He can be such a douche canoe and no mattet how hard i try to get my point across it doesnt work...
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Old 04-15-2015, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by micgeo View Post
Thats a whole other issue.. He gets very jealous. Says i am married so i should be home.. He gets mad at me most times.. Especially if i get home late.. I really dont care what he thinks but i am tired of arguing about it or "getting in trouble" for it.. He told me once in the middle of an argument that he is a grown man and if he wants to drink he will drink, my response was i am a grown woman.. Seems like a one way road and i am numb.. You know, he has a good job and the drinking doesnt affect his work at all.. He can be such a douche canoe and no matter how hard i try to get my point across it doesnt work...
You're right. It is a whole other issue. His sense of entitlement is really a driving force here.
I had this same dynamic with my ex and didn't realize it for a long time. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, but if everyone wasn't catering to his needs all the time he got all butt hurt about it.
For a long time I blamed his drinking and thought that if that could be fixed it would cure him of his controlling and abusive behavior.
And before you say, "he isn't abusive, he never lays a hand on me" check out this link. It really opened my eyes when I first came here. Even after my ex started resorting to physical violence against me, I still had a blind spot about his other abusive behaviors.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

This is another good one. There are obvious verbal abuse behaviors like screaming and cursing and name-calling, but others are more subtle.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html

I also spent a lot of time trying to understand where my ex was coming from so I could get through to him and make him see. But the truth is, he didn't want to change. Everything he did worked for him because he almost always "won" every argument and got his own way.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html
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Old 04-15-2015, 03:28 PM
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Wow.. thanks for sharing that.. When i syart to blame the drinking he comes right back at me.. always when he doesnt like to hear what i have to say and has brought up my weight a few times. i am a big girl.. lucky for me i have a very high self esteem and am very confident.. for a long time i let my emotions about this destroy me. When i left him for a month it really did change me.. I go out with my friends regardless.. Just dont like the drama part.. the "aftermath" sometimes.. Like talking to a brick wall.. I have to start taking care of me.. He gets mad over nothing and now it is very easy for me to walk around the house not acknowledging his presence... Thats scary... lol
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Old 04-15-2015, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
May I ask what the response is you get when you want to go out with your friends? Are you going out with them or are you turning down opportunities because of the reaction from your AH?
I go... lol. like i said.. that is where i am happiest... i truly have great friends.. i am different when i am with them.. Happier and relaxed.. sad but true..
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Old 04-16-2015, 11:19 AM
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Douche canoe...hehe...I hope you don't mind if I use that at some perfect time...

I also live with the alcoholic double standard - I also don't let it change what I want or plan on doing. Just wanted to send you some peace and strength too - you deserve so much better.
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Old 04-17-2015, 11:13 PM
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I see that have already taken some steps for a healthy life for yourself. Your story was good for me to read!! Thank you for sharing ...
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