Guilt and making amends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Guilt and making amends
Hi everyone,
This kindof ties in with my last two posts regarding the breakup with my abf.
When he told me that he had started drinking again I said " I'm glad, you might as well be drinking you've acted like a drunk for the past three years"
Well... Of course I am not glad he drank again. I am on a really great path right now, feeling a lot of peace and ok with moving on. however, what I said keeps nagging at me . I spoke with my sponsor, she suggested I write a letter to xbf telling him I did not mean what I said. She suggested to make it short . Then sit on it , make a decison either send it or don't.
Yesterday I had to email him regarding our insurance (I was on his policy). I got my own policy but am getting a refund , of course the money will be sent to him. I just asked if he could forward my refund to me, He replied yes he would. It sparked a cry and a little longing , I worked thru it and am fine today. I want to make amends , I dont want my last words to him to have been hurtful, but I want to not hurt if I send it , no new contact no new hurts of a sort .
thoughts?
This kindof ties in with my last two posts regarding the breakup with my abf.
When he told me that he had started drinking again I said " I'm glad, you might as well be drinking you've acted like a drunk for the past three years"
Well... Of course I am not glad he drank again. I am on a really great path right now, feeling a lot of peace and ok with moving on. however, what I said keeps nagging at me . I spoke with my sponsor, she suggested I write a letter to xbf telling him I did not mean what I said. She suggested to make it short . Then sit on it , make a decison either send it or don't.
Yesterday I had to email him regarding our insurance (I was on his policy). I got my own policy but am getting a refund , of course the money will be sent to him. I just asked if he could forward my refund to me, He replied yes he would. It sparked a cry and a little longing , I worked thru it and am fine today. I want to make amends , I dont want my last words to him to have been hurtful, but I want to not hurt if I send it , no new contact no new hurts of a sort .
thoughts?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by horsegirl 
I spoke with my sponsor, she suggested I write a letter to xbf telling him I did not mean what I said. She suggested to make it short . Then sit on it , make a decison either send it or don't.
Hold on to it, because what you write you may not want to say. What you write may just be the frustration you are feeling not the words you want to say. Make sense??
The time will come for you to make amends.
It does not have to be today
Peace!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd sit on it for a while, and send it when you are feeling less emotional, and more certain that you don't have ANY ulterior motives. You're both pretty fresh from the breakup, and he might feel the letter is an attempt to renew the relationship, regardless of what your motives might be.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Often, a lot of hurtful things are said at the end of a relationship.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you. 15 years ago at the end of a relationship, I told a man that he was just like his horrible father, who had killed himself 5 years earlier.
That comment ate at me for years....but, 15 years later, he is exactly like his father - an alcoholic abuser, who has been trying to kill himself for the last 10 years. Me making amends may have helped me, but it also would have opened the door for him to try to get back into my life. Not worth it, for me. I made amends to my HP, and to myself, and that is good enough right now. Sending you peace.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you. 15 years ago at the end of a relationship, I told a man that he was just like his horrible father, who had killed himself 5 years earlier.
That comment ate at me for years....but, 15 years later, he is exactly like his father - an alcoholic abuser, who has been trying to kill himself for the last 10 years. Me making amends may have helped me, but it also would have opened the door for him to try to get back into my life. Not worth it, for me. I made amends to my HP, and to myself, and that is good enough right now. Sending you peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Horsegirl,
I think we sometimes put so much weight on 1 comment we made, or 1 thing we did.
Honestly, I don't think we have that much power. It helps me to remember the 3 C's. Sure I can take responsibility and later perhaps there will be amends to make.
What i am realising for myself right now, having done a fair bit of 'acting out' (of sheer panic and fear) the week after we broke up, that if I am not 100% sure it is best for me to do nothing and revisit it again at a later date.
It sorta feels like you are wondering if it will make a difference, as in make him change, and we know we cannot do that.
When I was feeling like that and also still 'in it' and still do sometimes, I realise I react by trying to control everything.
I think we sometimes put so much weight on 1 comment we made, or 1 thing we did.
Honestly, I don't think we have that much power. It helps me to remember the 3 C's. Sure I can take responsibility and later perhaps there will be amends to make.
What i am realising for myself right now, having done a fair bit of 'acting out' (of sheer panic and fear) the week after we broke up, that if I am not 100% sure it is best for me to do nothing and revisit it again at a later date.
It sorta feels like you are wondering if it will make a difference, as in make him change, and we know we cannot do that.
When I was feeling like that and also still 'in it' and still do sometimes, I realise I react by trying to control everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Thanks all, It does feel better to write it down. I need to remember that he knows me , he knows that I would never wish for him to drink. It was words said in anger. I am going to let it sit for awhile. you are right, maybe later there will be a time and a place to make amends, I do not have to do it now. I pray for peace for all of us.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I need to remember that he knows me , he knows that I would never wish for him to drink.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Ha ha ha your comment made me laugh.
Wait awhile he probably didn't even notice anyways.
Wait awhile he probably didn't even notice anyways.
Originally Posted by horsegirl
Hi everyone,
This kindof ties in with my last two posts regarding the breakup with my abf.
When he told me that he had started drinking again I said " I'm glad, you might as well be drinking you've acted like a drunk for the past three years"
Well... Of course I am not glad he drank again. I am on a really great path right now, feeling a lot of peace and ok with moving on. however, what I said keeps nagging at me . I spoke with my sponsor, she suggested I write a letter to xbf telling him I did not mean what I said. She suggested to make it short . Then sit on it , make a decison either send it or don't.
Yesterday I had to email him regarding our insurance (I was on his policy). I got my own policy but am getting a refund , of course the money will be sent to him. I just asked if he could forward my refund to me, He replied yes he would. It sparked a cry and a little longing , I worked thru it and am fine today. I want to make amends , I dont want my last words to him to have been hurtful, but I want to not hurt if I send it , no new contact no new hurts of a sort .
thoughts?
This kindof ties in with my last two posts regarding the breakup with my abf.
When he told me that he had started drinking again I said " I'm glad, you might as well be drinking you've acted like a drunk for the past three years"
Well... Of course I am not glad he drank again. I am on a really great path right now, feeling a lot of peace and ok with moving on. however, what I said keeps nagging at me . I spoke with my sponsor, she suggested I write a letter to xbf telling him I did not mean what I said. She suggested to make it short . Then sit on it , make a decison either send it or don't.
Yesterday I had to email him regarding our insurance (I was on his policy). I got my own policy but am getting a refund , of course the money will be sent to him. I just asked if he could forward my refund to me, He replied yes he would. It sparked a cry and a little longing , I worked thru it and am fine today. I want to make amends , I dont want my last words to him to have been hurtful, but I want to not hurt if I send it , no new contact no new hurts of a sort .
thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HG- I would write it down and put it in draft. Keep it. There will be a time that you can send it. Not sure when, but you will know.
Then you will be glad that you waited for the perfect time and place, but didn't forget it.
I hate to say but he probably doesn't even remember that you said that to him.
Then you will be glad that you waited for the perfect time and place, but didn't forget it.
I hate to say but he probably doesn't even remember that you said that to him.
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