Why do addicts blame those who care for them for their conflicts, issues etc.. I get so angry when this happens. I wonder if they feel bad for blaming everyone for everything .. If they keep this **** up they will all die lonely!

Hello KI!

I really don't know, but I believe it has something to do with how addiction works. The mind will work to protect the addiction. That means, it has to be someone else's fault, not the addict him or herself.

I know my stepson, underneath all the bravado and snide remarks and behavior, is really very insecure about his own worth. If you dig deep enough, there is a lot of guilt and self-loathing that comes with being an addict.

That doesn't mean that unacceptable behavior should be accepted--certainly it should not!

And yes, some addicts and alcoholics do live, and die, very lonely. I know that my stepson has very few friends--and he is still drinking.

KI, for me it was two fold one- my depression was so bad when I couldn't take the pain anymore I blamed it on my husband and two I really did believe they he was responsible for my pain and unhappiness.

I feel compelled to ask you why are you still obsessing over your ex? What are you doing for your own recovery? How is the baby doing?

Thank you not obsessing he is just blaming me for everything through our court proceeding and I'm lost for words

I am sorry he is putting you through the ringer with this nonsense. But honestly it isn't something you can really understand. All of us alcoholics are different so you are likely to get a million different reasons. Just stay strong,trust the legal system will work, and love that baby with all your heart. They grow and change so fast

They won't feel bad unless they can get sober and honest. They do think that the issues and problems they are the faults of other people or situations in their lives.

They cannot look at themselves. They feel that if everyone would just do what they wanted or said what they wanted to hear that life would be fine. When they are still using they simply cannot make the connection that it is their way of looking at other people or situations that is really the problem. Their minds are not capable of seeing it clearly.

Even if they know they are at fault they won't admit it. They are protecting their addiction and admitting fault would cause them to look at it and they don't want to look at it, they want to get high or drunk. That takes first place.

They may feel bad but not bad enough to change anything. They have to get to the bottom and there is no way of telling how that will play out or if it will play out.

In the meantime the only thing you can do it take care of you. Getting angry only causes you pain and frustration. It does nothing to heal you or them. You can talk, cry or scream at them and it will not make any difference or get you any closure.

We BLAME because its a lot easier than taking personal responsibility for our own lives. Step thirteen from my women's recovery program is:

"I am responsible for myself and my actions."

This isn't part of Women For Sobriety's program for no reason. Its because as alcoholics we play victim in our own lives. This is what we do. Frankly I think some of the same personal growth statements could be applied by the friends and families lives and you'd be a lot happier. When you allow each and every drink we take, each slight, each thing we do you don't like to affect your lives YOU are playing victim. As much as alcoholics in recovery are called to stop playing victim friends and family need to do the same thing to achieve peace and serenity in your own lives.

I think the answer to your question is right there.

At least in the case of your A, he's blaming you to win.

This may be less a case of him being an alcoholic and more a case of him being an in-court-ex-husband. Sure, many alcoholics employ blame as a tactic to achieve their ends. Some do and some don't. (Mine never did, but he had oodles of other tactics at his disposal.) Still, KI, our job is to not let them get into our head. Our job is to concentrate on our own recovery, and often time the best way to do that is to think less about what motivates them and think more about what motivates us. To look for the stones that we are throwing in our own path that are preventing us from achieving an end result.

He's a d!ck. A blame shifting d!ck. Do you have an attorney who can deal with this stuff? Is there any way you can just let the process play out and not let him get into your head?

((((((( hugs ))))))) to you my friend.

Hi Happybeingme,

Just curious, do you still think that it was his fault? I am looking to gain some understanding.

Yes I so agree with this.

I know I need to take responsibility for myself and my own actions, including my part in the breakdown of my marriage.

However there is something about balancing that here, with not taking responsibility for the addict...

I think when are are detached it's easier. We can take responsibility for our part and not worry about what he is saying about it being our fault.

It's hard to explain.

I don't want to feed into the denial, however there is a sort of 'softening' that occurs when I drop my stance and start looking inwards and taking responsibility for ME and my bits...

Does that make sense to anyone?

To justify their actions! You know that song "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself"? My AH found fault in everyone, basically has no friends, and he pushed his family away (now, he is a double winner, and the family is quite something), and this is one of his favorite songs! This is how they tell themselves, "Hey, I am not THAT bad. Look at your dirt!"

It makes perfect sense.

My own recovery really kicked off (it still has a looooong way to go) when I started looking at myself with a more lovingly critical eye.

For instance, I realize now how much I liked to blame every single problem, from financial problems to earthquakes, on my STBXAH's drinking. I never took the fall for anything. Everything was black and white. He was an alcoholic, therefore he was to blame. It was very convenient.

Just like an addict in recovery has to peal back the onion layers to find what lies beneath, I too have had to do a lot of soul searching, layer by layer.

It's scary, but rewarding, and I think the process would be very difficult without that detachment and "softening" that you speak about.

This puts another good flashback into y head today.I occasionally like to remember where I came from.
This is the type of thing I would love for the woman in my life to be asking and thinking. For in doing so, the longer they are my hostage and under my control.
Then there were the women that didn't allow that to happen. They threw me out of their lives.
Very wise move for them to stand up for themselves and not allow my behavior.

Carmen- No I don't blame him at all. It is my job to be in control of my life. To be happy or not. Our marriage is a partnership. We take care of ourselves and each other equally.

I have been sober almost four years and we have been married almost 23.

I didn't blame others for my drinking, I knew it was me picking up two bottles of wine per day to check out. I simply didn't know I had the option of not drinking.

Congrats! :You_Rock_

Feels better than taking personal responsibility for their situation - at least in the short term until they have utterly alienated everyone.

I'm in the middle of our divorce and my STBXAH just recently went off on me like this, "You think you're so perfect? You get up on your high horse and think you do no wrong...." I could go on....the point was, his whole conversation was at dragging me down, blaming me, accusing me, etc. I'm way past caring about what he says so I just listen and then when he's done I get us back on the subject of money, the parenting plan, or whatever and I move on with my day. I don't even think I called my sponsor about that phone conversation because they've just become par for the course. We're in the thick of the divorce stuff now so I am handling it with as much grace as I can muster.

Honestly, I think they blame to just take that mirror to turn it around from looking at themselves. It's not a pretty place for them to be so they turn the mirror around and face it at anyone or anything else. I just see it as a symptom of the disease and accept it as it is.

They don't like to be responsible or accountable and no they don't feel bad for blaming.

This subject came up with the addict/alkie after they lost a friend to a drug overdose. I told them they made that choice. After naming others with addiction he tried to say drug addiction was society's responsibility more than the addict who makes the choices to use. Maybe society needs to protect and/or warn youth about the perils of drug abuse but adults who have been educated, counseled, advised or even went through rehab need to be the one's responsible for stopping their own drug abuse.

Legalization and the disease label is taking too much personal responsibility out the equation essentially giving many addicts a get out of jail free card.