Text from ex upset me so much
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ireland
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Text from ex upset me so much
I got a text last night, 13th day no contact from my side, he sent me a good few drunken texts in the first few days of that which I didn't respond to, I had told him in my final text that I can't try anymore with the drinking and that I wanted no contact for 40 days so I can have a chance to get over this. Last night's text said that his daughter is buying a car and wants to put him on her insurance so he needs me to take him off mine as he can't be a named driver on two cars. He's sorry to bother me and he hopes I'm ok. A kiss at the end of it. I know he's been sober maybe a week now.
I was gutted. Why? I suppose it tells me that he's accepted that it's over and I don't know if I've even accepted that myself yet. Still hoping for the miracle that he will get sober and we will have a chance. Angry that he couldn't give me the 40 days I asked for, I understand these things come up and have to be dealt with. Most of all I wanted to say ok? I'm about as far from ok as I've ever been thanks to the **** I've put up with from you for the last couple of years. But I put up with it and I know that I'm the only one who can stop it and the only way to do that is to stay away.
I tossed and turned all night. I was actually afraid to go to sleep, I'm not sure what that was about. It was a physical sensation, each time I was about to drop off I came to again with a jolt, heart racing. I don't know whether I'm afraid of the grief, letting go fully, him letting go of me, being alone, all of this maybe. I cried so much. I've had a few relationships and a few breakups at this point in my life but I don't ever remember feeling quite so hopeless and devastated. He got his hooks deep into me that's for sure. I think maybe because when he was good he was so good. He told me all the things I've ever wanted to hear. He loves me with all his heart, he'll never let me go, blah blah. But then the drinking starts and he becomes an arrogant, insulting nightmare.
The scariest bit is that I put up with this and kept going back for more and even now it's so hard to let go. Why is it hard to let go of someone who hurt me so much? Why, now he's sober, can he not say sorry for the awful things he says while drinking? In fact I am a lot more likely to get an apology from him when he's drinking, I don't think he's ever said sorry sober. I really wanted to text back and let him know how it's all made me feel. But I didn't. I don't want to break my no contact decision. I will take him off my insurance and I may message his daughter nicely on fb to ask her to let him know it's done. I got on well with her.
I was tempted to say yes I will do it if you give me back the ring I gave you for christmas. We got each other gold claddagh rings for christmas, his romantic idea. Some of you probably know you wear these rings one way to show your heart is given and the other way to show your heart is free. He's already told me(drunk) that he'll be wearing it that way to show he's available if we split up. I know it's probably childish and I can't control how he wears his ring but it just breaks my heart a little bit more to think of him using the ring I gave him as a symbol of love, loyalty, friendship in this way. Or having it on when he's with someone else. Am I mad to think of these things? I sure feel like a basket case today. Any words of wisdom, understanding, advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I was gutted. Why? I suppose it tells me that he's accepted that it's over and I don't know if I've even accepted that myself yet. Still hoping for the miracle that he will get sober and we will have a chance. Angry that he couldn't give me the 40 days I asked for, I understand these things come up and have to be dealt with. Most of all I wanted to say ok? I'm about as far from ok as I've ever been thanks to the **** I've put up with from you for the last couple of years. But I put up with it and I know that I'm the only one who can stop it and the only way to do that is to stay away.
I tossed and turned all night. I was actually afraid to go to sleep, I'm not sure what that was about. It was a physical sensation, each time I was about to drop off I came to again with a jolt, heart racing. I don't know whether I'm afraid of the grief, letting go fully, him letting go of me, being alone, all of this maybe. I cried so much. I've had a few relationships and a few breakups at this point in my life but I don't ever remember feeling quite so hopeless and devastated. He got his hooks deep into me that's for sure. I think maybe because when he was good he was so good. He told me all the things I've ever wanted to hear. He loves me with all his heart, he'll never let me go, blah blah. But then the drinking starts and he becomes an arrogant, insulting nightmare.
The scariest bit is that I put up with this and kept going back for more and even now it's so hard to let go. Why is it hard to let go of someone who hurt me so much? Why, now he's sober, can he not say sorry for the awful things he says while drinking? In fact I am a lot more likely to get an apology from him when he's drinking, I don't think he's ever said sorry sober. I really wanted to text back and let him know how it's all made me feel. But I didn't. I don't want to break my no contact decision. I will take him off my insurance and I may message his daughter nicely on fb to ask her to let him know it's done. I got on well with her.
I was tempted to say yes I will do it if you give me back the ring I gave you for christmas. We got each other gold claddagh rings for christmas, his romantic idea. Some of you probably know you wear these rings one way to show your heart is given and the other way to show your heart is free. He's already told me(drunk) that he'll be wearing it that way to show he's available if we split up. I know it's probably childish and I can't control how he wears his ring but it just breaks my heart a little bit more to think of him using the ring I gave him as a symbol of love, loyalty, friendship in this way. Or having it on when he's with someone else. Am I mad to think of these things? I sure feel like a basket case today. Any words of wisdom, understanding, advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Socharuane - I am sorry you had such rough night!
Words of advice: You may have gone no contact, but clearly you were still co-mingled together with the insurance situation. I think sometimes we hold on to things that will hold on to the ones we care about and this is an example of this - why not have told him when ever you split that you were taking him off? I think because we still want some connection that will force contact if needed. We just use it as an excuse.
Nevertheless untangling these types of connections is necessary. I also kinda question if he isn't doing it just to find something to contact you about because I see no reason why he can't be named as a driver on both cars but things may be different over there.
As for the ring I also get why you feel the way you feel. I suggest your just let that go. Asking for it back will be asking him back into your life for discussion about your relationship and anger on your part if he does't give it back. He can turn that ring anyway he wants - a ring indicating he is available isn't going to change the fact that he has some major problems to be dealt with. He said what he said to hurt you and succeeded.
I also advice you do NOT send a message to his daughter. What goes on between you and her father is not something she should be looped into. For all you know he is full of sh!t looking for a way to contact you and then you open that can of worms if she doesn't know what you are talking about. If this is true You don't really need to let them know he has been taken off your insurance just take him off. Must you also reassure him that you do what he asks? No.
He has been sober a week - not sure how you know that or why you would believe it if that's what you have been told. A week in a life is a speck of sand. A week of sobriety in the life of an A is less than that. I know you wish you would get an apology but who knows if you ever will. Can't count on that and so what if he did? Does it really make up for what he put you through? I think apologies are overrated.
Words of advice: You may have gone no contact, but clearly you were still co-mingled together with the insurance situation. I think sometimes we hold on to things that will hold on to the ones we care about and this is an example of this - why not have told him when ever you split that you were taking him off? I think because we still want some connection that will force contact if needed. We just use it as an excuse.
Nevertheless untangling these types of connections is necessary. I also kinda question if he isn't doing it just to find something to contact you about because I see no reason why he can't be named as a driver on both cars but things may be different over there.
As for the ring I also get why you feel the way you feel. I suggest your just let that go. Asking for it back will be asking him back into your life for discussion about your relationship and anger on your part if he does't give it back. He can turn that ring anyway he wants - a ring indicating he is available isn't going to change the fact that he has some major problems to be dealt with. He said what he said to hurt you and succeeded.
I also advice you do NOT send a message to his daughter. What goes on between you and her father is not something she should be looped into. For all you know he is full of sh!t looking for a way to contact you and then you open that can of worms if she doesn't know what you are talking about. If this is true You don't really need to let them know he has been taken off your insurance just take him off. Must you also reassure him that you do what he asks? No.
He has been sober a week - not sure how you know that or why you would believe it if that's what you have been told. A week in a life is a speck of sand. A week of sobriety in the life of an A is less than that. I know you wish you would get an apology but who knows if you ever will. Can't count on that and so what if he did? Does it really make up for what he put you through? I think apologies are overrated.
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sorcharuane 
I'm so sorry it has been such a bad night. I have no inspiring words of wisdom. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to go ahead and take care of the insurance and put your claddagh ring away so that you are not constantly reminded of it.
When one particular boyfriend broke up with me, it had been an unhealthy attachment on my side. It was really helpful to my healing to remove any scrap of anything that reminded me of him away and out of sight. I didn't throw things out, just boxed them up. Cards, gifts, things we had purchased together, etc.
Healing will come...give yourself time because you deserve it!
I'm so sorry it has been such a bad night. I have no inspiring words of wisdom. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to go ahead and take care of the insurance and put your claddagh ring away so that you are not constantly reminded of it.
When one particular boyfriend broke up with me, it had been an unhealthy attachment on my side. It was really helpful to my healing to remove any scrap of anything that reminded me of him away and out of sight. I didn't throw things out, just boxed them up. Cards, gifts, things we had purchased together, etc.
Healing will come...give yourself time because you deserve it!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ireland
Posts: 55
Thanks Redatlanta, yes, holding on with insurance possibly, wasn't sure if we were finished and it's cheaper with him on it! I know he's sober because he lives very near me, I have to pass his house every time I go out and its easy to see, blinds and windows closed all day every day when he's drinking, ope, washing out etc when he's dry. And I know I shouldn't look, it's not my business, but I'm just not there yet! He's one of those drunks, when he drinks, he can't get anything else together. And yes you are probably right about the daughter. I wondered if it was an excuse to contact me, I know his daughter is gone away today until weekend so nothing's going to be sorted with a car before then anyway. Thank you for reply.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by sorcharuane 
I got a text last night, 13th day no contact from my side, he sent me a good few drunken texts in the first few days of that which I didn't respond to, I had told him in my final text that I can't try anymore with the drinking and that I wanted no contact for 40 days so I can have a chance to get over this. Last night's text said that his daughter is buying a car and wants to put him on her insurance so he needs me to take him off mine as he can't be a named driver on two cars. He's sorry to bother me and he hopes I'm ok. A kiss at the end of it. I know he's been sober maybe a week now.
I was gutted. Why? I suppose it tells me that he's accepted that it's over and I don't know if I've even accepted that myself yet. Still hoping for the miracle that he will get sober and we will have a chance. Angry that he couldn't give me the 40 days I asked for, I understand these things come up and have to be dealt with. Most of all I wanted to say ok? I'm about as far from ok as I've ever been thanks to the **** I've put up with from you for the last couple of years. But I put up with it and I know that I'm the only one who can stop it and the only way to do that is to stay away.
I tossed and turned all night. I was actually afraid to go to sleep, I'm not sure what that was about. It was a physical sensation, each time I was about to drop off I came to again with a jolt, heart racing. I don't know whether I'm afraid of the grief, letting go fully, him letting go of me, being alone, all of this maybe. I cried so much. I've had a few relationships and a few breakups at this point in my life but I don't ever remember feeling quite so hopeless and devastated. He got his hooks deep into me that's for sure. I think maybe because when he was good he was so good. He told me all the things I've ever wanted to hear. He loves me with all his heart, he'll never let me go, blah blah. But then the drinking starts and he becomes an arrogant, insulting nightmare.
The scariest bit is that I put up with this and kept going back for more and even now it's so hard to let go. Why is it hard to let go of someone who hurt me so much? Why, now he's sober, can he not say sorry for the awful things he says while drinking? In fact I am a lot more likely to get an apology from him when he's drinking, I don't think he's ever said sorry sober. I really wanted to text back and let him know how it's all made me feel. But I didn't. I don't want to break my no contact decision. I will take him off my insurance and I may message his daughter nicely on fb to ask her to let him know it's done. I got on well with her.
I was tempted to say yes I will do it if you give me back the ring I gave you for christmas. We got each other gold claddagh rings for christmas, his romantic idea. Some of you probably know you wear these rings one way to show your heart is given and the other way to show your heart is free. He's already told me(drunk) that he'll be wearing it that way to show he's available if we split up. I know it's probably childish and I can't control how he wears his ring but it just breaks my heart a little bit more to think of him using the ring I gave him as a symbol of love, loyalty, friendship in this way. Or having it on when he's with someone else. Am I mad to think of these things? I sure feel like a basket case today. Any words of wisdom, understanding, advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I was gutted. Why? I suppose it tells me that he's accepted that it's over and I don't know if I've even accepted that myself yet. Still hoping for the miracle that he will get sober and we will have a chance. Angry that he couldn't give me the 40 days I asked for, I understand these things come up and have to be dealt with. Most of all I wanted to say ok? I'm about as far from ok as I've ever been thanks to the **** I've put up with from you for the last couple of years. But I put up with it and I know that I'm the only one who can stop it and the only way to do that is to stay away.
I tossed and turned all night. I was actually afraid to go to sleep, I'm not sure what that was about. It was a physical sensation, each time I was about to drop off I came to again with a jolt, heart racing. I don't know whether I'm afraid of the grief, letting go fully, him letting go of me, being alone, all of this maybe. I cried so much. I've had a few relationships and a few breakups at this point in my life but I don't ever remember feeling quite so hopeless and devastated. He got his hooks deep into me that's for sure. I think maybe because when he was good he was so good. He told me all the things I've ever wanted to hear. He loves me with all his heart, he'll never let me go, blah blah. But then the drinking starts and he becomes an arrogant, insulting nightmare.
The scariest bit is that I put up with this and kept going back for more and even now it's so hard to let go. Why is it hard to let go of someone who hurt me so much? Why, now he's sober, can he not say sorry for the awful things he says while drinking? In fact I am a lot more likely to get an apology from him when he's drinking, I don't think he's ever said sorry sober. I really wanted to text back and let him know how it's all made me feel. But I didn't. I don't want to break my no contact decision. I will take him off my insurance and I may message his daughter nicely on fb to ask her to let him know it's done. I got on well with her.
I was tempted to say yes I will do it if you give me back the ring I gave you for christmas. We got each other gold claddagh rings for christmas, his romantic idea. Some of you probably know you wear these rings one way to show your heart is given and the other way to show your heart is free. He's already told me(drunk) that he'll be wearing it that way to show he's available if we split up. I know it's probably childish and I can't control how he wears his ring but it just breaks my heart a little bit more to think of him using the ring I gave him as a symbol of love, loyalty, friendship in this way. Or having it on when he's with someone else. Am I mad to think of these things? I sure feel like a basket case today. Any words of wisdom, understanding, advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
It bugs me too, that they appear to be able to let go so easily, and we appear not so much.
My XAH also told me all the stuff about never letting me go. Had to have me, claimed me with marriage etc... and now he hasn't even really said anything about us separating, except a kind of weak "oh well I will always need you, you are my wife" when we were saying goodbye and then "goodbye".
I'm like REALLY? This does not appear to be never letting me go or fighting for our marriage.
However I think it is because he is embroiled in his addiction right now.
No room for anything else I guess.
Still feels a bit shocking to me. I think because I MEAN the things I say, so I assumed others did too.
I do still feel angry sometimes.
However I am thinking I may take a leaf out of his book in the 'easy come easy go' kind of attitude, it seems to serve him better in terms of it appears to be less painful.
Why should I give a stuff if he doesn't?
He was kind of lucky to have me anyway.
I hope this helps you too Sorcharuane.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Oh, something that used to make me chuckle a little inside was towards the end when we would be talking, and I would say something about his addiction because I refused to play into the lies that it wasn't happening, and he would say indignantly "what do you mean?" and I would say "what I say!"
I don't know why it made me laugh.
I guess I just thought to myself 'Jeez, is he never going to get it??? Just say what you mean and be honest! Works for me'.
Apparently no, he is never going to get it. Sigh.
I don't know why it made me laugh.
I guess I just thought to myself 'Jeez, is he never going to get it??? Just say what you mean and be honest! Works for me'.
Apparently no, he is never going to get it. Sigh.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S- Just because he is sober doesn't mean he is working a program. This is 2 different things here. Not drinking and being a dry drunk is easy. Not drinking and working the AA steps to heal are different.
When he works a program they learn in the steps to make amends to people they hurt, that is what you are looking for from him. Not sure if he is any where close to that point.
Work on yourself, give him to God and who knows what will happen in your future!!
When he works a program they learn in the steps to make amends to people they hurt, that is what you are looking for from him. Not sure if he is any where close to that point.
Work on yourself, give him to God and who knows what will happen in your future!!
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