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overwhelmed

Old 04-12-2015, 09:23 PM
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overwhelmed

hello,
I left my husband in late November after finally accepting that he was an alcoholic (he probably has been the entire 14 years we've known each other) and that he wasn't willing to get help.
I moved out, started divorce proceedings, and he went to rehab in Jan, initially to get me back. He did his 30 days and is now in an outpatient program and goes to AA meetings 6 days a week and is secretary at one. He has a sponsor.
He was doing so well that I started to feel guilty so I came home last week and agreed to hold off on the divorce and try again.
Honestly I don't think I want to. I have so much anger (yes I'm in therapy) at him. He was never verbally or physically abusive but his drinking hurt me. He was never there really, and he was too anxious to go out, unless a lot of drinking was involved, which was no fun for me. I was drinking too much myself (1-2 glasses of wine a night) and it was messing up my depression treatment as well as my weight and physical wellbeing. He basically never really held up his end of the relationship. By Nov we were no longer sleeping in the same room and I wanted nothing to do with him.
I have my own issues that contributed to our marital problems, including depression, anxiety, PTSD and extreme difficulty communicating about emotions. I've been in therapy for 20 years working on this stuff and progressing at a slow but satisfactory pace. (I'm in my late 40s) He has refused therapy of any kind including couples until he went to rehab. Now he wants us to go to couples therapy and the last thing I want is to talk to him about anything.
I do care about him. I don't know if I love him anymore.
When I was away and planning on the divorce I dated a couple of people who were both extremely problematic in their own ways but I did learn that I am not the worthless ugly person that I thought I was over the years. I've learned a few things and one of them is how to realise when I'm picking out the sickest person in the room to date.... and to get out of it as soon as I can.
I'd be happy at this point to be alone with my animals. I really want to keep the house but neither of us can afford it alone, so it will probably have to be sold and I may need to move out of the town I love so much and always wanted to live in, which is one of the hardest things for me to face. I also have difficulty believing I can support myself financially although I have done so in the past.
There are no children.
I sometimes feel I owe it to him and the marriage to try again. But where was he all these years and what did he owe the marriage? or me?
I don't think I trust him anymore. I know he was hiding his drinking at the end. Why wouldn't he do it again, or cheat on me, or ...?
And I honestly don't want years of fearing relapse. I'm pretty sure he will relapse one day and I don't want to do all that work on getting back together and rebuilding the marriage and then have him relapse and break my heart all over again. I don't consciously blame him but this isn't my first rodeo with an alcoholic and I'm just not up for this.
He says he loves me but I don't know if he even knows me. Or if I ever knew him.
Frankly I just want to go back to where I was living while we were separated for at least six more months and recover and work on myself. Without dating anyone! Can I put the divorce on hold but not cancel it? Maybe a legal separation? I will ask my lawyer tomorrow and consult a financial professional about my financial situation.
He is not a mean drunk, just a sad/hurt/put-upon drunk, and this is still present in his sober self, and I've been trained since childhood to put everybody else in the world first, so I feel guilty for not taking care of my own husband....but I don't even take care of myself.
I guess I want to believe that it's ok to do what I want to do even though my husband will not like it and will cry and be hurt and sad about it...
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Old 04-12-2015, 10:52 PM
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Hi Jane, even though your mind is in turmoil, it seems pretty clear what you want. You've already made up your mind, and it's just the guilt and fear of telling him that's holding you back. You could do the therapy, pretend, go through the steps, but the outcome will just take longer than it should.
It's kinder to him for you to be honest. If he relapses, that's his business. You didn't cause him to drink before, and you can't control it now.
You have a dream of how you want your life to be. Go for it!
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:35 AM
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I hear the utter exhaustion. As FG said, you sound like you've thought it through. It's just a matter of time. That fear of relapse is what makes me leery at the thought of dating someone in recovery. Too many relapse horror stories here. I wish you luck, healing , rest and strength
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Old 04-13-2015, 10:01 AM
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Cactus Jane, what a clever name. Welcome to SR.

Trust is a big thing to lose. It takes herculean efforts to get it back after addiction. You correctly identify you already have many of your own issues that should be front and center. Deciding to focus on you is a wise path.

All the best,
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:44 PM
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I sometimes feel I owe it to him and the marriage to try again.
What do you owe yourself?
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:53 PM
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I can completely relate to this. I moved out in October but have been spending more and more time with him recently. We are in couples counseling which does seem to be helping. I'm in totally mental turmoil because part of me just wants to go home, keep the house, less bills, shared responsibility with the kids (some anyway), but the other part of me wonders if I'll ever truly be happy with that. Will there always be some lingering problem. Will the pain of some re-occurrence send me into a tail spin?

I wish I had some great advice.. but at this time all I can do is tell you I understand your pain and confusion. I keep telling myself the Al-anon saying.. "Don't just do something, stand there." In that last six months I've figured out that if I wait it out the answer usually presents itself. So I'm doing my best not to rush myself.
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Old 04-13-2015, 02:07 PM
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CJ - It sounds like you have put a lot into this marriage. It also sounds like when he asked for a second chance your lifelong character flaw of putting others before yourself popped out and you feel like you have to do something you don't want to do because its what your husband wants.

There is nothing wrong with doing what's best for you, because in the end that is what is best for him. People stay in situations they aren't happy with for this reason - how can one unhappy person make a happy couple? Not possible.

You can put a divorce on hold indefinitely I suppose. I have friends that just need to sign the final documentation and its bee sitting on a desk for a couple of months because they aren't sure. There may be reasons why you should legally separate or your State may have certain rules to follow. Best to ask your attorney as you planned.

Good luck to you - it sounds like you have this handled but just need reassurance. Its ok to want what someone else doesn't, it really is.
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Old 04-13-2015, 02:53 PM
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Give yourself permission to live an authentic life. You deserve it and so does your husband. We all do. IMO, staying with someone out of obligation and guilt robs both people of the chance for true happiness.
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Old 04-13-2015, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
I can completely relate to this. I moved out in October but have been spending more and more time with him recently. We are in couples counseling which does seem to be helping. I'm in totally mental turmoil because part of me just wants to go home, keep the house, less bills, shared responsibility with the kids (some anyway), but the other part of me wonders if I'll ever truly be happy with that. Will there always be some lingering problem. Will the pain of some re-occurrence send me into a tail spin?

I wish I had some great advice.. but at this time all I can do is tell you I understand your pain and confusion. I keep telling myself the Al-anon saying.. "Don't just do something, stand there." In that last six months I've figured out that if I wait it out the answer usually presents itself. So I'm doing my best not to rush myself.
This is EXACTLY how I feel and I appreciate the saying...I need another meeting soon ... thank you so much.
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Old 04-13-2015, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Its ok to want what someone else doesn't, it really is.
Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Give yourself permission to live an authentic life. You deserve it and so does your husband. We all do. IMO, staying with someone out of obligation and guilt robs both people of the chance for true happiness.
I'm going to cry...
Yes, I talked to my lawyer and he says we can put the divorce in abeyance for as long as I need to... so that's a huge relief.
I want an authentic life SO MUCH and I hoped I could have one with my husband but since I got home I'm falling back into depression and feeling trapped...
I've left others because they deserved someone who truly loved them, when i didn't, and it was always for the best in the end. I just really wanted my marriage to work out. I think several more months of therapy, al-anon and focusing on my issues will be of great value.
Thank you so much.
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Old 04-13-2015, 05:12 PM
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CJ- Are you going to any alanon meeting? They are so helpful. In alanon they recommend that you don't make any big decisions for at least 6 months. You don't have to do anyting today. Wait and see.

Work on yourself and make you a better person. Not angry and pissed all the time. It sounds like you are very angry and you have every right to be. He has done some horrible stuff. Work out your issues. Get healthy. At that time you can make the right decision that you might not regret later on in your life. We all do things out of anger when our heads are not clear.

Take time, educate yourself and see what happens. You never know what your future holds, God knows are plan, but he won't share it with us.

(((((((((((((jane)))))))))))))
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Old 08-09-2015, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
What do you owe yourself?
i'd totally forgotten i'd posted here before. things were crazy then.
i have no idea. the idea of putting myself first is foreign. i don't feel like i can do it. i suppose the IC will help me work this out...
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Old 08-09-2015, 10:59 PM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
CJ- Are you going to any alanon meeting? They are so helpful. In alanon they recommend that you don't make any big decisions for at least 6 months. You don't have to do anyting today. Wait and see.

Work on yourself and make you a better person. Not angry and pissed all the time. It sounds like you are very angry and you have every right to be. He has done some horrible stuff. Work out your issues. Get healthy. At that time you can make the right decision that you might not regret later on in your life. We all do things out of anger when our heads are not clear.

Take time, educate yourself and see what happens. You never know what your future holds, God knows are plan, but he won't share it with us.

(((((((((((((jane)))))))))))))
thank you... six more months maybe...
I've been so badly depressed since I left him that only this month (Aug) have i been able to get out of the house and about on a regular basis. I'm living with him again (separate rooms just like before I left) half the time and on my own the other half.
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