Doing some reflecting
 

I'm so tired of being negative. My intense anxiety has caused me to not eat in three days (the three days that I have been at HIS house.) I can't even look at food without wanting to vomit. I looked through his phone and he's gone on more than a FEW dates already and brought some women back to his place. I read a comment from one of you that stated "ACCEPT THE PERSON THAT HE IS TODAY." This is him. I can't look ahead and wish for the future or mope around and reflect upon the past to create a false reality. This is who he is. He is showing me- I need to LET HIM.

The alcohol isn't even a issue anymore- it's his personality disorder that manifests as much more than just that. His motive is to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to benefit HIM. Forget my feelings..

I just wish these types of people never existed in my world. So much pain. So much heartbreak. So much anxiety. Why.......

Aww Red, I am so sorry that your life has come to this point.

It's no wonder you are feeling negative, the addiction, betrayal, selfishness and lies eventually come to the surface , and leave us no choice, but to get brutally honest with ourselves.

Yes, you are going to experience loss and heartbreak. Break ups hurt, and yes there will be some emotional pain, but suffering is something you can control.

The one thing that truly did help me, ( and sorry if I sound like a broken record,) another member here shared practicing mindful awareness, and while nothing else was working at the time, i figured why not give it a shot.

Our brain is truly the most powerful organ in the human body, and with a bit of work and some practice, you truly do have the ability to shift your mood and lift yourself up. When all the what if's, and why's start to pull you down memory lane, having a "go to" plan in place can really ease the painful transition, and it also can be comforting to remember , that yep, I used to think for myself like this all the time, ( before addiction ruled my life)

I started with, there are millions of people living life free of an active addict and addiction, ( as a matter of fact, I used to be one of them) and I am choosing to live that way again, a simple conscience choice, of my own free will, set the ball in motion.

((( hugs))) it won't always feel like it does today, and thats a promise.

Codependents attract broken people. Broken people attract codependents.

Before I realized I was one, which wasn't until I was 44, I just thought I had the worst luck in the world with men. What I know now is that I chose these people. My picker sucked and bad luck had nothing to do with it. I liked to fix people. I do not anymore I don't want to fix anyone at all.

In the past three years I have let several friendships go that were the same type relationships. When I meet someone and hear and or see these red flags I do not pursue the friendship.

This means you need to put some active work into yourself like working the steps of Al Anon. What you will find happens is that you will attract different people - healthy people attract healthy people.

I had a meeting with my separated mate and the tax man last Monday. The rest of the week, I was so crazy, I needed two AlAnon meetings.
The last time I stayed at my mate's house was last fall in the guestroom. The mere thought of staying there now is out of the question. I can't imagine it.

RedDog, I'm new and have nothing to offer but (((hugs))). Anxiety is an enemy I know far too well.

RedDog, you need to make yourself eat. I know it is difficult -- small bites, often, even if just a spoonful of peanut butter or a piece of cheese. I react that way to stress, too -- I can't for the life of me imagine eating. But you need to fuel your brain and your body to better be able to handle the stress. Talk to yourself as if you were a small child. Just one bite. You can do it.

After visiting with him this weekend, I left a note on my way out. It was sort of like the closure I needed. It briefly stated how our relationship was full of unhappiness and I tried to change him. Needless to say, I DID undermine him at times and I did try to stop him from doing what he wanted, but he still did it anyway. This was not OK on my behalf and I made sure to mention it.

On the drive home this morning (3 hours), I turned the music up all the way (I'll be lucky to not go deaf), and rocked out down the interstate. I am feeling OK. Haven't eaten yet, but I am going to here in a bit. As for him, I'm hoping he will continue to stay background noise.

Red, do you have a counselor? Are you attending any kind of Al-
Anon? What are you doing for yourself? Part of all this is choosing to look at our old ways of acting and choosing new behaviors, new methods of dealing with the chaos in our dysfunctional relationships. If you want life to be different, if you really want to know why, you can't let the anxiety rule your life. Counseling will help with that... a lot.

((((Hugs)))) you'll get it. You'll get stronger and wiser. Every day. You see where you went wrong and how you were driving yourself bat poo crazy and that's half the battle. Onward and up ward from there!

Marie1960 is very right about mindfulness. Im trying to integrate that into my life more. It's not easy, but it helps you to step back and respond rather than react.

Mmm - I had a nice 4 hour drive this weekend with music on full blast - so therapeutic. See how good we CAN feel once we wash away the rubbish?! It's going to take some time, but you are going to be just fine - you are well on on your way!