A new skill?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
A new skill?
This is something that started automatically, out of nowhere.
When he is quacking, saying something really dumb (and last week, this was going all the time because he wants to restart the honeymoon, and I am aware what he is doing), I am able to say what I really want to say inside my head, but those words do not come out. Instead, I am able to give vague answers. I am able to change the topic.
The anger of mine that started last weekend is not leaving though. But I guess I can control myself outside, although inside I am still livid. Maybe having a plan helps, maybe seeing a way out helps.
And I can see the steps in my head. The next one is renting a safe deposit box and putting there whatever is valuable: some jewelry, documents, etc.
But there is also this fear that he will figure things out, that he will somehow discover my plans.
Anyone else felt this way?
When he is quacking, saying something really dumb (and last week, this was going all the time because he wants to restart the honeymoon, and I am aware what he is doing), I am able to say what I really want to say inside my head, but those words do not come out. Instead, I am able to give vague answers. I am able to change the topic.
The anger of mine that started last weekend is not leaving though. But I guess I can control myself outside, although inside I am still livid. Maybe having a plan helps, maybe seeing a way out helps.
And I can see the steps in my head. The next one is renting a safe deposit box and putting there whatever is valuable: some jewelry, documents, etc.
But there is also this fear that he will figure things out, that he will somehow discover my plans.
Anyone else felt this way?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
One thing that we do in SMART is to rehearse what we are going to say as if we are in a play. You know his ways. The subjects that he brings up and how he's going to do it. You can practice responding so that the words that you really want to say are coming out of your mouth.
Use your anger to activate and motivate your plan. He will have no idea. They aren't that aware of their surroundings most times. Get a friend who understands and can keep their mouth shut to help you if you need to. Good luck ((((hugs))))
Use your anger to activate and motivate your plan. He will have no idea. They aren't that aware of their surroundings most times. Get a friend who understands and can keep their mouth shut to help you if you need to. Good luck ((((hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I have no other options, dandylion. Just wish I had more money and could pay the attorney tomorrow and file. And wish I had friends here or family.
And I really love this change in me. But my detachment put him on defensive. He is incredibly toxic, testing me in dumbest ways. I know it is irrelevant what he does, but unfortunately, I still live with him.
When he says "I just want to be left alone," and he does this when he wants to ignore me, my little voice says "Sure, I will leave you alone. Thank you!"
And I really love this change in me. But my detachment put him on defensive. He is incredibly toxic, testing me in dumbest ways. I know it is irrelevant what he does, but unfortunately, I still live with him.
When he says "I just want to be left alone," and he does this when he wants to ignore me, my little voice says "Sure, I will leave you alone. Thank you!"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story (and everyone else for doing so). Although I haven't made a decision to leave AH, I am realistic enough to know that it may come to that. Right now, I'm working to detach until I decide how our story will play out. I'm hoping my "fake it til you make it" strategy to accomplish this will eventually work.
It helps immensely to know that some of you made the decision to stay and some to go and see how others have accomplished both in the real world. Books are great, but "seeing" the reality of things is so much more of a reassurance when you are stuck in the lovely mess of living with an AH every day.
Good luck to you!
It helps immensely to know that some of you made the decision to stay and some to go and see how others have accomplished both in the real world. Books are great, but "seeing" the reality of things is so much more of a reassurance when you are stuck in the lovely mess of living with an AH every day.
Good luck to you!
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