getting hit in the face with the truth
 

You know, through everything that I have been through with my X, as crazy as this sounds, I always deep down inside believed he had my back. Even with all the cheating, the lies.. yadda yadda. he would have my back if I needed him.

He has been trying so hard to maintain a friendship with me, I am not sure why this is so important to him. But it is, He texts me every day, nothing special, just have a nice day type stuff. He calls every other couple days, just leaving vmails about his life, etc. I figured once I was in a good place, and he was in a good place, that we might make it work with being friends. It could never be more than that again. We go back so far, our families grew up together.. etc.

he has this one friend, this guy and I go WAYYYYY back, to high school. I am now 45. His friend does NOT like me, and that is an understatement. We have talked about it a lot, and my X always said, I have your back, when and if you guys ever get together or our circles intertwine, you will be ok. I got you. Well, a friend texted me to read this guys facebook page. You see, I am a writer at heart ;) and I started a blog. I talk about all my life, everything, nothing is off limits. I am not an avid fbooker but my link to the blog is on there. He read it ( the guy that hates me) and he went to town on his page, he called me names. He made fun of me being sexually abused when I was a child. It was mean, vicious. I almost cried just reading it. But the real kicker? My X LIKED it!! I know, i know it sounds stupid, but he liked it! He didn't defend me, hell he didn't even tell me about it. He just liked it. I found out on Friday. I have said nothing. The old me, would have reacted in haste and would have said things out of reaction and not think. But I am sad and it has been made perfectly clear to me that I need to block/delete him. How could he not have my back? I know this may seem foolish to some of you, but it really hurt. You know, he even texted me yesterday to have a nice day and I just wanted to tell him to eff off. but I didn't. I guess I was foolishly thinking somehow out of all of this crap, that we could come out the other end and actually have respect and like for each other. But, i don't think so now...

I am still new at this, I have so much to learn. But I am figuring out now, you really do have to let go, of everything. even him. thanks all for your time.

I get your hurt, Daydreamer. You may be new to this, but it sounds like you are making some excellent headway with your reflections/insights. Letting go is hard, but it's usually necessary for our own sanity. You deserve better.

(((Daydreamer)))
I'm so sorry you experienced that. As a fellow survivor of childhood SA, I want to thank you for your courage and strength in sharing your experience so that others might heal.
Really glad you're here.
I'd say something about your ex and his friend, but it would just get my post deleted, so I'll refrain, like I do when I really really want to cuss and let it fly and my kids are in the car (for some reason it happens a lot when I'm driving).

Yeah... That really sucks and is hurtful what BOTHA of them did. Maybe you could blog about how mean and toxic ppl only make you a stronger person. That you don't have to belittle or vindictive to others in order to be happy. And lesson learned... You cannot depend on another person to help you in a relationship with a third party. That's on you. Oh, and I'd definitely block AND hide both of those ppl on FB. Time to truly move on and continue your healing in a positive way.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. They both sound like complete jerks.

Now, I'm not suggesting this is in any way your fault, but it does highlight some of the risks of being too open about one's life online. You use a pseudonym (as most of us do) here on the forum. And part of the reason for that is safety--not only physical safety but emotional safety. It is very easy for a stalker (actual or would-be), or others (such as employers) to read intimate details of your life and then somehow use it against you or in a way that harms you.

Only you can gauge your own comfort level, but this experience might make it worth rethinking what you want to share publicly.

Hugs,

I am really, really sorry that happened to you.

They are both ignorant. Stupid is as stupid does. i think Lexie makes a very good suggestion in maintaining a level of anonymity when being so open with your life on the internet.

I hope you will block both of them on FB.

thanks guys, I wasn't friends with either but I definitely have blocked them now. I hear what you guys are saying about my blogging. But you guys don't know me yet. when you do, you will see that I am a no holds barred person. I mean what I say, I say what I mean. I won't stop writing because some morons don't like it, however, I will learn to develop a tougher skin. :) writing is in my blood, it is a part of me as necessary as breathing, and I am always open and honest. Thanks for all the support.

Facebook is the devil. It just is. I will stand by that. Even if your page is set to private-they will find a way to get to it.

I would talk to your ex directly and stop thinking FB is real life.

If everyone put what their life was really like on FB-no one would be reading that. Besides-his "friend" is a douche canoe. Consider the source. People who air others dirty laundry on a public forum are as* hats of a special breed.

I'm sorry this happened to you too, but a big +1 to what Lexie said. I'm constantly amazed by the stuff people put out there in the virtual world for ANYONE/EVERYONE to see...

I'm a childhood SA survivor too, and I do get it about the importance of breaking the secrecy. It's just that there are safe places to do so and less-safe places. Out in the wide-open web is one of the less-safe places.

When I was first beginning to work thru my SA issues, I frequented a forum called Pandora's Aquarium and found quite a bit of help there. I don't know if they are still around or if this would be helpful for you, but you could check it out. It is well monitored, much like SR, so you don't have to fear trolls, etc.

And Lexie is absolutely right about using a pseudonym and keeping other identifiable personal info off the web. It can be used/abused in ways we wouldn't think of...

ETA: I just read your last post about being "open and honest." While those are admirable qualities, not everyone needs to know the intimate details of your life. One of the traits of codependents is a lack of boundaries--we rush into friendships and relationships much too fast and much too deeply w/far too little thought and knowledge about just exactly who we are being friends/lovers WITH. This is another aspect of that, in my opinion. I'm gradually learning that it's not a bad thing or "dishonest" for me to keep certain things to myself until I know if it's appropriate and/or safe for me to share them w/a particular person.

you are funny Latte, thanks for the smile today :) you are right about fb, that is why I said I am not an avid fb, just an occasional looker. I certainly don't think of it as my real life. I love your words. :)

I will just agree to disagree with you on that one. I think some people, who are true artists and writers and musicians, share their words for the world, it is what they do. That is what writing is to me, it is my Adelle break up song :)

We could've had it all.
Been listening to that one lately.
I feel the same way about writing. I just handed over hundreds of handwritten pages of journal entries for a custody case. My ex is enraged, my lawyer want to meet and discuss. I am serene.
Writing heals the soul. Keep up the good work Daydreamer.

why do they want your journal?

can i just say thank god I never married or had kids with my x, when I think of how hurt I am, can you imagine being his ex wife? he has 3, but the 1st one, she was a great woman, and she has to raise those kids without him, that could have been me.

Write on sis! I've deleted many an ass clown in my day. I always wished that when you blocked some people that they would actually just go "poof" wherever they were standing. I go on FB raaaaarely. Not only is this douche canoe (keeping that!) insensitive, he revealed himself to the world as an ass. I hope it backfires on him. As far as the ex, I have just accepted the fact that people who can't have their own back, can't have ours.

it really is none of my business what others are saying about me.

To this day, I still need this reminder. Keeps my feet planted firmly on the ground.

Haters are going to hate, the only power this guy has over you, will be the power you surrender to him. He is an absolute NON-ISSUE in your life. You are 45, this isn't highschool, nobody needs to "have your back".

Some people simply cannot/do not have any class, manners, or respect. We are not splitting an atom here, those that lack human compassion for others, should not/do not need to be occupying our thoughts.

Keep expressing yourself in the manner you choose, that is your right. Just be prepared, the world may not share your point of view, and that really is ok too.

Because they don't care about what's best for our son. They want to try and drag me down to their level. They think snooping in my journal is going to get them some type of gratification.
I handed it over, just like that. If they want to pay their lawyer to decipher my messy left-handed writing and see that I drank Earl Grey tea instead of Constant Comment and dropped my kids at school before I went to an Alanon meeting and had a raunchy dream about an actor on True Blood the night before then let them.

as far as having my back? You are damn right he should. If you love someone and have given of yourself to them and someone else is attacking you, yes, they should defend you. IMO, I would NEVER EVER be ok with another saying hurtful things about someone I love. I was married for 23 years to my ex, not the a, just plain old ex, and I always had his back in public. Now behind closed doors,we would discuss our differences. But I would always stick up for him. I guess I am built different, i am not one to stand there and say and do nothing when someone I love is being attacked. it is this thing I call loyalty.

Sounds like a whole bunch of someone else's drama is getting the upper hand.

I can clearly see you are passionate, but sometimes the passion can be so strong, it's difficult to control our own emotions, it really isn't our job or place to attack others for their ignorance, you are not going to change them with your words , so why not focus on what you do have the power to change?

Once someone shows you who they are believe them, to continue to engage, well that's called insanity.

I am not trying to come across as insensitive to you, but you sure seem to want to fix and handle a whole bunch of life that is truly not in your control, have you read the book Codependent No More ?

Daydreamer, think of your x. The betrayal of trust that he has already done to you himself. He has not cared about hurting you himself. He didn't have your back when he did the things what he did. How could he be strong enough to defend you against anyone else if he couldn't defend you from himself? We keep applying our standards, loyalty and strength to them. They just don't have it dear.