I am embarrassed to even admit this..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
I am embarrassed to even admit this..
I drove 3 hours to see him (we were in a long distance relationship.) I am disappointed in myself- how stupid! How foolish! I KNOW BETTER. Now I'm left back at square one. Hurting, confused, emotional because we slept together and he's just, you know...
Needless to say, I got a stomach bug and now he wants nothing to do with me. God.. What the hell. I'm speechless. Just need some support and strength to move forward. I know how stupid this decision was.. I need help
Needless to say, I got a stomach bug and now he wants nothing to do with me. God.. What the hell. I'm speechless. Just need some support and strength to move forward. I know how stupid this decision was.. I need help
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I drove 12 hours to see my ex, with our then 4 yo son in the car after our "temporary" separation. He was supposed to be getting sober, blah, blah, blah.
I walked downstairs from putting our son to bed and he was cracking open a beer.
I snatched the can out of his hand and threw it at his head and he laughed at me. I wish I'd had a stomach bug. I would have projectile vomited all over his stupid laughing face. Let him laugh that off.
I've been stupid and called it "love." I've tried to make things work with someone who didn't care one bit about me or my feelings.
You are not alone, you are not stupid, you are worthy of kindness and respect. I have been where you are and I am here for you.
((((Red Dog)))
I walked downstairs from putting our son to bed and he was cracking open a beer.
I snatched the can out of his hand and threw it at his head and he laughed at me. I wish I'd had a stomach bug. I would have projectile vomited all over his stupid laughing face. Let him laugh that off.
I've been stupid and called it "love." I've tried to make things work with someone who didn't care one bit about me or my feelings.
You are not alone, you are not stupid, you are worthy of kindness and respect. I have been where you are and I am here for you.
((((Red Dog)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
I'm new here but reading these things, as horrendous as they are, are helping me a lot. I just broke up with my ABF and I feel so lost. The last time I went through this I did the same thing, drove three hours to visit my ex in rehab just to be disappointed and find out months later that he had stolen $10,000+ worth of items from me and my mom such as jewelry, iPad, camera, vintage collectibles.
My current situation, fell so in love with this addict. I'm not an addict myself but a codependent, and you all know how we go together like peas in a pod. I loved him so much but walked up on him the other day after he got high and I asked him. He lied. And it was the straw that broke the camels back. I told him to stay somewhere else for the night. Turns out his choice was with an alcoholic girl. After I found that out I broke up with him. Next day he has downloaded Tinder plus and snapchat 😳 I only know because I lurked his email. One day we are madly in love and planning a marriage, next day he is on tinder. I'm so heartbroken and angry and confused.
My current situation, fell so in love with this addict. I'm not an addict myself but a codependent, and you all know how we go together like peas in a pod. I loved him so much but walked up on him the other day after he got high and I asked him. He lied. And it was the straw that broke the camels back. I told him to stay somewhere else for the night. Turns out his choice was with an alcoholic girl. After I found that out I broke up with him. Next day he has downloaded Tinder plus and snapchat 😳 I only know because I lurked his email. One day we are madly in love and planning a marriage, next day he is on tinder. I'm so heartbroken and angry and confused.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I can't help hearing the song "what I did for love" from A Chorus Line. One of the things that I love about this group is that you never know how much something you post is going to support someone or just make the pieces fall into place. I'm supposed to have a conversation with my xabf after months of silence to talk about his stuff. There is a part of me that started to look forward to hearing his voice, that was thinking it would be so nice just to have a normal conversation and maybe rekindle communication. But this is a man I went above and beyond for, planned a life together etc only to be dumped for some patient he's known for a few months. Cut off, cast aside. Why the hell should I care that he's breathing much less care for a friendship? Reading this just reminds me of what he is. Thank you very much!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
RedDog... obviously it wasn't a good decision to go see him and now you have caused yourself more pain... but maybe this needed to happen so you could finally reach your "rock bottom". I hope you have! What you're feeling is painful and when the anxiety gets really bad, we make horrible decisions. Just try to remember that no matter how much pain you're in, this guy isn't going to make your pain ever go away... you have to do that for yourself! What always helped me when i was feeling awful was to remember why i didn't want my xabf in my life... my main reasons were 1. Bad role model for my son 2. Didn't want to have to support a grown man that couldn't hold a job for more than 6 months. 3. Didn't want to always live with the chaos and anxiety he was causing me. What are your reasons? List them, all of them, and keep that list with you when you feel the urge to contact him. Hugs to you!! Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Red Dog,
Just to say I am sorry and I understand.
I keep expecting my STBXAH to care also!
Yes it sucks to fall into that trap. However be gentle with yourself. I don't think it's back to square 1. I think you will heal much more quickly this time.
And if you learn from it then that could be pretty cool.
Sending hugs.
Just to say I am sorry and I understand.
I keep expecting my STBXAH to care also!
Yes it sucks to fall into that trap. However be gentle with yourself. I don't think it's back to square 1. I think you will heal much more quickly this time.
And if you learn from it then that could be pretty cool.
Sending hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RedDog.....You words are: "I need help". LOL! Most of us do...at some point or another.
Have you considered doing family of origin work with a therapist?
If you have co-dependency issues....these almost always have their origin in early developmental years.
Certainly, you are aware that grieving over a lost relationship takes several months, don"t you?? (you are a nurse).
dandylion
Have you considered doing family of origin work with a therapist?
If you have co-dependency issues....these almost always have their origin in early developmental years.
Certainly, you are aware that grieving over a lost relationship takes several months, don"t you?? (you are a nurse).
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yeah been there and done that.
My Ex could be an oscar winning movie. After treating me like sh!t for 6 months after discovering he was cheating and married he invited me on a trip to Boston and OF COURSE I went so sure that he had cleaned his life up and we were getting back together!!!!
Before the plane landed I was in tears. I had told him I would not see him unless he had filed divorce and[I] assumed[/I that was what this trip was all about. HAHAHAHAHA. At dinner that night he stayed on his phone the entire time texting and went on to tell me that he would never have a relationship with me that he thought what he felt for me was obsession not love and we were friends!!!. When I asked why he invited me to come he said "because you used to be fun but you aren't now you are just a nagging b!tch like my wife". That was my rock bottom. I got up from the table and left him there went and got my bags, checked into another hotel and tried to make the best of it by myself. In hindsight I am glad I stayed I met some angels that weekend who I don't know and I have never seen since that had some wise words for me.
That was 6 years ago and do you know that fool text me yesterday? A picture of himself in Budapest and one sentence "I am getting a divorce come to Budapest". I sent him back a picture of my cat's litter box.
THE NERVE of the narcissists is unbelievable. That's why I say to you you must understand that him contacting you doesn't mean squat. And, he may never stop. There is a motive behind everything they do and its to benefit THEM not YOU. Hold on tight to feeling bad about what you did not to punish yourself but to remind yourself this person doesn't deserve to breathe in the CO2 you breathe out.
My Ex could be an oscar winning movie. After treating me like sh!t for 6 months after discovering he was cheating and married he invited me on a trip to Boston and OF COURSE I went so sure that he had cleaned his life up and we were getting back together!!!!
Before the plane landed I was in tears. I had told him I would not see him unless he had filed divorce and[I] assumed[/I that was what this trip was all about. HAHAHAHAHA. At dinner that night he stayed on his phone the entire time texting and went on to tell me that he would never have a relationship with me that he thought what he felt for me was obsession not love and we were friends!!!. When I asked why he invited me to come he said "because you used to be fun but you aren't now you are just a nagging b!tch like my wife". That was my rock bottom. I got up from the table and left him there went and got my bags, checked into another hotel and tried to make the best of it by myself. In hindsight I am glad I stayed I met some angels that weekend who I don't know and I have never seen since that had some wise words for me.
That was 6 years ago and do you know that fool text me yesterday? A picture of himself in Budapest and one sentence "I am getting a divorce come to Budapest". I sent him back a picture of my cat's litter box.
THE NERVE of the narcissists is unbelievable. That's why I say to you you must understand that him contacting you doesn't mean squat. And, he may never stop. There is a motive behind everything they do and its to benefit THEM not YOU. Hold on tight to feeling bad about what you did not to punish yourself but to remind yourself this person doesn't deserve to breathe in the CO2 you breathe out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
He has never stopped daydreamer0217. Thankfully its not often and it ends quickly. It doesn't bother me in fact my girlfriends and I laugh hysterically over his antics. I wish he knew that, but even if he saw us laughing and saying what we say about him he would find a way to deny it. He isn't an alcoholic he doesn't drink or do drugs, but the personality mimics one in many ways.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
it would be fun to sit and read it with your girlfriends. 
I love that. my bestie always says to me "you don't miss him really. I mean, you could leave the house you have now and you can go be with this guy that has no job, no house, no car, no license, no money" I mean it is tempting LOL girlfriends are the best !!
I love that. my bestie always says to me "you don't miss him really. I mean, you could leave the house you have now and you can go be with this guy that has no job, no house, no car, no license, no money" I mean it is tempting LOL girlfriends are the best !!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
no contact= no new hurt.
Nothing to be embarassed about, pretty certain we have all walked in your shoes.
I believe we have to be ready to embrace the discomfort that comes with no contact. We get lonely, or we starting second guessing, and God forbid, what if they really have changed ?
It comes down to accepting the fact that the man/woman we are in love with, is exactly who they are today. He/she is no longer the wonderful person you fell in love with, or the amazing person they are when the alcohol is removed. They are exactly who they are presenting themselves to be, and between wishful thinking and denial, we get slapped up across the side of the head with a hard dose of reality and truth.
It's really ok, now you know, maybe it will be easier this time round to keep focusing on YOU.
Nothing to be embarassed about, pretty certain we have all walked in your shoes.
I believe we have to be ready to embrace the discomfort that comes with no contact. We get lonely, or we starting second guessing, and God forbid, what if they really have changed ?
It comes down to accepting the fact that the man/woman we are in love with, is exactly who they are today. He/she is no longer the wonderful person you fell in love with, or the amazing person they are when the alcohol is removed. They are exactly who they are presenting themselves to be, and between wishful thinking and denial, we get slapped up across the side of the head with a hard dose of reality and truth.
It's really ok, now you know, maybe it will be easier this time round to keep focusing on YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Oh my RedDog, don't beat yourself up. We've all done stupid things, made bad decisions, etc. etc. for men we loved who were not willing or able or both, to return our love.
If I had a dime for every mile I traveled for a man who wasn't worth it I'd be a very rich lady!
If I had a dime for every mile I traveled for a man who wasn't worth it I'd be a very rich lady!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by marie1960 
no contact= no new hurt.
Nothing to be embarassed about, pretty certain we have all walked in your shoes.
I believe we have to be ready to embrace the discomfort that comes with no contact. We get lonely, or we starting second guessing, and God forbid, what if they really have changed ?
It comes down to accepting the fact that the man/woman we are in love with, is exactly who they are today. He/she is no longer the wonderful person you fell in love with, or the amazing person they are when the alcohol is removed. They are exactly who they are presenting themselves to be, and between wishful thinking and denial, we get slapped up across the side of the head with a hard dose of reality and truth.
It's really ok, now you know, maybe it will be easier this time round to keep focusing on YOU.
Nothing to be embarassed about, pretty certain we have all walked in your shoes.
I believe we have to be ready to embrace the discomfort that comes with no contact. We get lonely, or we starting second guessing, and God forbid, what if they really have changed ?
It comes down to accepting the fact that the man/woman we are in love with, is exactly who they are today. He/she is no longer the wonderful person you fell in love with, or the amazing person they are when the alcohol is removed. They are exactly who they are presenting themselves to be, and between wishful thinking and denial, we get slapped up across the side of the head with a hard dose of reality and truth.
It's really ok, now you know, maybe it will be easier this time round to keep focusing on YOU.
I do this... I wonder, maybe I did just imagine it all!
And then I remember - if he wasn't using he would be here, fixing our marriage.
YOU are my spirit animal, my friend.
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