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A very emotional week

Old 04-11-2015, 04:59 AM
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A very emotional week

My emotions are all over the place and I'm just posting to get it all out and gain some perspective. Thanks for reading.

Last Saturday was really good. XAH came over and we dyed eggs and just had a fun, silly night with our son. XAH and I hid the plastic eggs and basket around the house and agreed that we'd have our son wait to hunt (or at least collect) until 1pm the next day when XAH and his parents were going to come over. He left for the night and things were good.

The next morning I get a text saying he doesn't feel like dealing with my family and pretending he's happy. He says he won't be over but his parents will be. By "my family" he means my Mom because other than our son she's the only other person that was invited for Easter. He spent two other holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) with her after I filed for divorce and everything was out in the open with no issues. She's an alcoholic as well - sober 20+ years and has been particularly understanding and kind through everything. They always get along well. Anyway, I called him back and he was still drunk (at 9:15am) from the night before, got nasty, so I ended the call.

His parents arrive at 1pm feeling awkward since XAH lives with them but we end up having a lovely time. My son hunts for eggs and with 2 grandmas and 1 grandpa there to watch he has a blast! I made an awesome dinner and it was just a great afternoon. My in-laws were very sweet and thankful. As my father-in-law was leaving he hugged me very hard and said "thank you - this means more than you'll ever know."

XAH texts at 6:00pm after everyone is gone asking if he can please stop over and see our son for a few minutes. I say okay. He arrives reeking of alcohol. Once I can see he's not still drunk I head outside to water my new plants and basically avoid him. He comes out apologizing but I really don't engage. He leaves.

Similar thing happens Monday evening. He spends an hour with our son, is apologetic to me, but we have very limited interaction.

Tuesday morning at 4:30am I get a call from him. He says his father went into cardiac arrest. He did CPR for 20 minutes until the paramedics came. (FIL has been in and out of the hospital for a year now.) XAH says he's too drunk to drive and he and his Mom need a ride to the hospital. I wake my son, get in the car and pick them up. FIL has a pulse. MIL stays at hospital. I drive drunk XAH back to their apartment to sober up on the condition that he won't drive until Noon. He promises. I'm stupid. My son goes to school, I go to work. I get a text at 8am - XAH is back at the hospital. Things don't look good. I call him but he doesn't pick up. I text and get a reply 30 minutes later he and his Mom are back at the apartment. I leave work at Noon, bring XAH and MIL lunch and then drive them back to the hospital. On the recommendation of 3 different doctors MIL signs the papers to allow machines to be disconnected. FIL passes quickly.

MIL asks for help. I spend the next two days helping her make all the arrangements. Funeral was yesterday. Post funeral spread hosted at my house.

The old me would have felt like the savior running around helping and old me would have thought now my XAH, who's been thanking me and telling me he loves me all week, will be at his bottom and will stop drinking and we'll live happily ever after.

The new me just feels sad. Sad that, although they've flown many, many times, at 33 and 42 years old my BIL and SIL have never made flight reservations themselves nor did they have the money to do so (I made arrangements, MIL paid.) Sad that MIL doesn't have anyone that can really step up and help her with the decisions she needs to make. Sad that through it all XAH continues to drink. Sad that XAH missed out on a wonderful Easter - a memory my son and I will always cherish. And sad that after everything my son has had to deal with lately now he's lost his grandpa.
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Old 04-11-2015, 05:14 AM
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Guava, I am heartbroken for you and your son but so glad they had that last moment together. You're doing all the rights things. So sorry for your loss.
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Old 04-11-2015, 05:16 AM
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Guava,

You sound like such a giving and wise mom. You really seem wise with how much you can control and jumped in with two feet to help at the passing of your FIL.

May he rest in peace. Hopefully you will be able to have MIL over for grandchild time regularly? You sound more grounded than her kids. It meant the world to them that you had them over at Easter. You will probably cherish that hug the rest of your life. You are strong and present. Something addicts can't hack.

Peace to you and yours.
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Old 04-11-2015, 05:49 AM
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Guava, so so sorry for your loss.
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Old 04-11-2015, 06:26 AM
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I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got to have that wonderful Easter with your FIL, and glad you were able to help your MIL when her son wasn't able to. I think you handled all of this with amazing good grace and kindness.

It is very sad. I hope you are able to give yourself some time to grieve and to take care of yourself, too.
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Old 04-11-2015, 06:49 AM
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I'm glad you last saw your FIL on a high, and he enjoyed his day. I'm disgusted by your XAH's inability to pull it together even for a short time when his mother needs him.

I know this is an emotional time for the family, but please resist running around after them when they could just as easily catch a cab, grab some lunch, work out how to book online etc. Your XAH may well be thinking he can drink because you'll be there to pick up the pieces. MIL can seek advice from many professionals, and it would be a good idea for you to be kind, but encourage her to do that.
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Old 04-11-2015, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
I know this is an emotional time for the family, but please resist running around after them when they could just as easily catch a cab, grab some lunch, work out how to book online etc.
Yes-I agree-it's very difficult to differentiate being a caring, loving person and being a co-dependent martyr...especially during a crisis. I'm keeping the focus on my MIL. Ever since her stroke her brain is just not able to process some things and I felt I was in a position to provide some comfort to her. But I need to be very cognizant of the line between helping her and enabling him.

By the way-my first thought was a cab too...not because I'm heartless and didn't want to do the favor but i was worried about the impact on my son. I wasn't sure I wanted to wake him up from a sound sleep to pick up his drunk father and grieving grandmother to drive the 3 miles to the hospital. But I knew the state XAH was in and if I had suggested the cab he'd have just driven them himself.
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Old 04-11-2015, 08:25 AM
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Under the circumstances, I think you made the wise and compassionate decision.
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Old 04-11-2015, 08:50 AM
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I'm so sorry for yours and your son's loss guava. What a great daughter in law you are. Your mother in law is lucky to have you. You have been through a lot in the last week and I hope you can get some time to look after yourself too.
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Old 04-11-2015, 06:46 PM
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Sorry for your loss; impressed by your strength. You did well. Your son will treasure those Easter memories as he grows up.
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Old 04-11-2015, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by sorcharuane View Post
I'm so sorry for yours and your son's loss guava. What a great daughter in law you are. Your mother in law is lucky to have you. You have been through a lot in the last week and I hope you can get some time to look after yourself too.
I second this, Guava. And that you gave your FIL one last, joyous day with his grandson - wow, that just brings me to tears. That's a treasure you and your son will have forever.
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Old 04-12-2015, 03:55 AM
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Guava, I'm just so sorry to hear about the loss of your FIL. I'm glad you provided him and your MIL and children with a day filled with memories

You have been through quite a lot lately...sending hugs
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Old 04-12-2015, 04:20 AM
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Guava I am so sorry for your loss. I think you handled this beautifully I would have done the same.
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Old 04-12-2015, 03:47 PM
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Oh guava, I'm so sorry about everything you've been going through!!!

(((((((((MASSIVE HUGS))))))))))

I think you handled it all like a CHAMP, I'm so impressed with how you kept it together & kept focus on the bigger picture. What a beautiful gift you gave your FIL, it's almost like he had a premonition of the coming events.
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Old 04-12-2015, 03:51 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss, guava.
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