I think it is worse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
I think it is worse
I finally can actually say I have a ah.
I've always been in denial says he's not that bad..though I know it's not healthy for me but I've been snooping and watching how much he drinks, more than what I thought. He hides it from which I never knew did. He has only ever drank beer but I see he had some of my rtds that has been in the cupboard for months.
I'm learning to detach and I've set boundaries. I'm not going hang out and talk to him when he drinks I'll do my own thing and not feel bad.
Since doing this he seems to like it, he is getting worse drinking every night now...as he's not getting into trouble from me in the mornings we are nice to each other but at night he outside drinking and I'm inside we are totally seperate. It's just so fake!!!!!
He even bought me flowers w t h ????
I'm so confused to be honest it's like he's so happy I'm not giving him grief re drinking and rewarding me with money and gifts??
I did mention one morning I'm not feeling ok with him looking after kids alone when he drinks so if I'm out in evenings ie al alon I'll get mum to have them. He looked at me like I was a complete werdo and said ok then, no arguing which is good I guess just different!
It's all so fake and confusing!!!
I've always been in denial says he's not that bad..though I know it's not healthy for me but I've been snooping and watching how much he drinks, more than what I thought. He hides it from which I never knew did. He has only ever drank beer but I see he had some of my rtds that has been in the cupboard for months.
I'm learning to detach and I've set boundaries. I'm not going hang out and talk to him when he drinks I'll do my own thing and not feel bad.
Since doing this he seems to like it, he is getting worse drinking every night now...as he's not getting into trouble from me in the mornings we are nice to each other but at night he outside drinking and I'm inside we are totally seperate. It's just so fake!!!!!
He even bought me flowers w t h ????
I'm so confused to be honest it's like he's so happy I'm not giving him grief re drinking and rewarding me with money and gifts??
I did mention one morning I'm not feeling ok with him looking after kids alone when he drinks so if I'm out in evenings ie al alon I'll get mum to have them. He looked at me like I was a complete werdo and said ok then, no arguing which is good I guess just different!
It's all so fake and confusing!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
johonno...detaching and boundaries are not intended to get him to behave in certain ways---they are to "buy" you space and some peace.....in order to sort yourself out.
Detaching can help avoid the stupid and useless arguments with a drunk. It can give you some emotional energy to focus on yourself to reassess y our needs. It can give you some breathing space away from him for your own friends, family, and activities.
I can allow you to see that all your enjoyment and pleasure doesn't have to be connected to him.
He may think he is getting by with something, right now--but, he isn't, is he? I t will all catch up with him. Don't worry about that.
Just don't think that detaching and having your own boundaries are intended to change him. You don't have the ability to change him. We don't get to change other people (sigh).
He is going to do whatever he is going to do. The question is always: What are you going to do? Your happiness is your own job, babe....cause, it sure ain't anyone else's.
To me, personally, I think being with a practicing alcoholic is very much of a one way street....simply because it is such a selfish disease....and a drunk person is basically a functional idiot......(most of their frontal lobe is not even working).......
Johonno.....just smile to yourself.....cause he ain't gettin by with nothin!! (what a surprise he will be in for)......
dandylion
Detaching can help avoid the stupid and useless arguments with a drunk. It can give you some emotional energy to focus on yourself to reassess y our needs. It can give you some breathing space away from him for your own friends, family, and activities.
I can allow you to see that all your enjoyment and pleasure doesn't have to be connected to him.
He may think he is getting by with something, right now--but, he isn't, is he? I t will all catch up with him. Don't worry about that.
Just don't think that detaching and having your own boundaries are intended to change him. You don't have the ability to change him. We don't get to change other people (sigh).
He is going to do whatever he is going to do. The question is always: What are you going to do? Your happiness is your own job, babe....cause, it sure ain't anyone else's.
To me, personally, I think being with a practicing alcoholic is very much of a one way street....simply because it is such a selfish disease....and a drunk person is basically a functional idiot......(most of their frontal lobe is not even working).......
Johonno.....just smile to yourself.....cause he ain't gettin by with nothin!! (what a surprise he will be in for)......
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Thanks so much. Yes I know I can't change I definitely know that now Thank god I truly get that. I guess I just wanted to understand and see if it's normal what he is doing but hey I realized it dosent really matter does it.
I know deep down I will leave , I'm trusting this journey and I'm I'll know when it's time- al alon says do the program for 6 months before making any big decisions so I'm trusting this.
Breaks my heart this is happening for the kids though.
I know deep down I will leave , I'm trusting this journey and I'm I'll know when it's time- al alon says do the program for 6 months before making any big decisions so I'm trusting this.
Breaks my heart this is happening for the kids though.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
johnno....I think that his reaction is "normal" for him....the alcoholic in the equasion.
LOL!...he probably feels like a kid in a candy shop, right now. "I can do anything and she doesn't bitch at me, any more". He probably wonders if he woke up in the middle of a good dream.
Never, mind, the novelty will wear off, soon enough.
My adult sons were in the house with me when I first discovered the concept of detachment and quacking.
When I first used my "quacking" tools----it was soooo funny!! They seemed confused--like deer caught in the headlights.
Suddenly....I wasn't reacting like they were accustomed. The kids even got together and had a "meeting" about "what is going on with mom?".
To answer y our concern....yes, I think he is behaving like an alcoholic would in this situation.
dandylion
LOL!...he probably feels like a kid in a candy shop, right now. "I can do anything and she doesn't bitch at me, any more". He probably wonders if he woke up in the middle of a good dream.
Never, mind, the novelty will wear off, soon enough.
My adult sons were in the house with me when I first discovered the concept of detachment and quacking.
When I first used my "quacking" tools----it was soooo funny!! They seemed confused--like deer caught in the headlights.
Suddenly....I wasn't reacting like they were accustomed. The kids even got together and had a "meeting" about "what is going on with mom?".
To answer y our concern....yes, I think he is behaving like an alcoholic would in this situation.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, the complaining and nagging take a toll on BOTH of you. And it doesn't do a thing to change him. So if treating yourself better brings a benefit to him in terms of the stress he has to live with, so much the better. He won't have your nagging and complaining and dirty looks to blame his drinking on, either. Taking away the excuses to drink is a side benefit of detaching. Don't be surprised when he suddenly has a whole bunch of other excuses, but it will be nice to know your "negativity" isn't one of them.
As they say, more will be revealed...
As they say, more will be revealed...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
I feel like I am in exactly the same place right now lol! It's comforting (and sad) to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I totally get the nagging voice in the back of your mind that gets annoyed that he's getting away with something and off the hook for everything. That stubborn little hope that getting yourself sorted out will make a difference ....
I'm hoping I can get to the point in my own life where that voice finally silences itself. One day at a time, right?
Oh and Dandylion, I laughed at the image of my girls having a meeting of their own lol! They do sometimes look at me like I've grown another head when I don't react like they're used to seeing when those moments pop up around them or when we just go on without him (I used to wait around for him to be "ready" to cooperate, now we just do whatever it is anyway and don't plan for him one way or the other) - especially since I tend to be more impatient in general when things are going badly. Fortunately, AH has always (for now) been able to keep up a lot of the front around them, and they don't see/hear much of it. But I know the clock is ticking as they get older, that is sort of an unspoken boundary in my own mind that may force a decision regardless of where my own recovery is.
I'm hoping I can get to the point in my own life where that voice finally silences itself. One day at a time, right?
Oh and Dandylion, I laughed at the image of my girls having a meeting of their own lol! They do sometimes look at me like I've grown another head when I don't react like they're used to seeing when those moments pop up around them or when we just go on without him (I used to wait around for him to be "ready" to cooperate, now we just do whatever it is anyway and don't plan for him one way or the other) - especially since I tend to be more impatient in general when things are going badly. Fortunately, AH has always (for now) been able to keep up a lot of the front around them, and they don't see/hear much of it. But I know the clock is ticking as they get older, that is sort of an unspoken boundary in my own mind that may force a decision regardless of where my own recovery is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ya - sounds like my house. It is very lonely, when you expect them to be a partner and they cannot. But, the stress of my home life has melted away, and I have plenty of awesome friends and family to fill that void - for now anyway. (((HUGS))) enjoy your peace!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I understand completely.
That is why just detaching was not a long term solution for me. As was said, it just got me off the crazy train long enough for me to decide I did not want the lonely hell I was in.
I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and I realized my life with him would amount to nothing. He was not going to stop.
I ended it and am doing great. It does happen I promise. It took time and tears and anger but it gets better , much better.
He on the other hand is in jail (again) for theft to support his habit.
That is why just detaching was not a long term solution for me. As was said, it just got me off the crazy train long enough for me to decide I did not want the lonely hell I was in.
I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and I realized my life with him would amount to nothing. He was not going to stop.
I ended it and am doing great. It does happen I promise. It took time and tears and anger but it gets better , much better.
He on the other hand is in jail (again) for theft to support his habit.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
They say the quicker the sicker....
It starts feeling amazing not obsessing over there drinking. Almost a relief, just going on with your life. If they join you wonderful, if not, their loss.
Work your program and get healthy. There is no time frame for you to make any decisions. Its all up to you!!
Being an alcoholic is not an easy thing, it really does take a toll on them, mentally and physically, even if they don't show you.
It starts feeling amazing not obsessing over there drinking. Almost a relief, just going on with your life. If they join you wonderful, if not, their loss.
Work your program and get healthy. There is no time frame for you to make any decisions. Its all up to you!!
Being an alcoholic is not an easy thing, it really does take a toll on them, mentally and physically, even if they don't show you.
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