Finding the truth...he is having an affair!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Finding the truth...he is having an affair!
I just found out last night that my AH is/has been having an affair for the past month! I am just sick! I can't even believe after all we have been thru that he is doing this! Obviously he isn't working his program and trying to recover and work on himself. He is just throwing away this marriage and really seems to care less about me or the kids! How can someone be that cold and heartless?!? I am now seeing a counselor, and I suppose I will call a lawyer today....I surely didn't want it all the come to this...whew what a mess! I just have to go on like everything is okay and do the kids and work and all of that! I feel like someone punched me in the gut and stepped on my heart...What a roller coaster! I am not sure how to get thru the day much less this life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Thanks everyone---I am really surprised at how much my eyes have been opened in the last few weeks. I am slowly realizing how much I put up with and am really wondering why? I was so unhappy yet I stayed for so long. I don't think I even allowed myself to think about all of it. My counselor says he thinks that my A mom was never there for me, emotionally or otherwise, so I picked a man that would do the same. What a mess---why would I want to repeat that cycle?!? I have so much to learn and so much recovering to do in order to be healthy for my life. I want to make sure that I am totally healthy before I walk into another relationship---for the sake of my kids and me. I am truly thankful to have people here at SR.
Di
Di
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I am so sorry, no one deserves that kind of pain.........my d-day was April 19th..........I felt all the same things........after all we have been through how could he do that to me......my counselor said that he was using this person as a anti depressant...........I say there are pills for that..........he says it was someone who was showing him empathy and she was making him feel good about him.....another way to avoid that it was his problem that he has to deal with himself......and he was reaching out to someone anyone who would feel sorry for him and make him feel good.....If it was just listening to his BS.........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
I am so sorry that this has happened. You might want to check out www.survivinginfidelity.com. hugs dax
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oceanside, NY
Posts: 20
sympathy
Di my sympathy for your pain is equal to my joy at your discovering the truth of this relationship sooner then later. Now you are free. Free to make decisions for yourself and your children. free to focus on you and your blessings. You are gold not sugar - a rare commodity that is sought after by anyone who has vaues worth. Grab onto your self worth. Seek afirmation only from God. He will give you strength when you are feeling weak. He will fill the void when you are feeling alone. He will comfort you durring these times of PERCEIVED loss. What you've lost was a dream - no more. Devise a new dream. Take your time with it. Allow that dream to be realized by being all that you can be - all that God wants for you to be.
Its time to move forward albiet a scary time you are not alone. You have the support of your family, friends and the wonderfull people here at SR. Perhaps your husband is done with the marraige. Perhaps he is confused. Perhaps you are done with the marraige. I'm sure that you are confused. Who wouldn't be in your shoes. I'm in a similar place so I can identify with your pain and feelings. Many of us have been where you are and at the moment it truely does suck. It will lead you to a better place in time. Where you are at is exactly where you are supposed to be. God has a plan for each of us. He will not burden you with more then you can bear. See this as a time of enlightenment - of discovering of truth. It sounds as if you're well on your way already.
Do not islolate nor dwell on the broken promises and dreams. Get out. take care of yourself! Move forward. Do it one day at a time. Jprnel your feelings too help release the anger - dont let the anger turn into resentment. Forgive the fool and have sympathy for it is his loss not yours. Believe that as it is the truth. Better days lay ahead for you. True love will find you in Gods time. This cad you married is unworthy of you. He will probabally discover this himself too late.
Put away the wedding pictures. Take off the ring and give it to him next time you see him. Tell him he can hock it and put it toward the lawyer fees. Get yourself a lawyer. Tell the kids daddy is sick and needed to go away to get well when they ask. Wether or not you are done with this relationship it is time to let it be known to him that you are. Change the locks on the doors. Let him know that with certainty by your conviction and your relief of letting go. Be strong and be short. Don't throw any guilt at him he'll feel that in time on his own.
Get into a seperated and divorced support group. Keep posting here. And remember this too shall pass.
Much love and best wishes for you and the children - Donald
Its time to move forward albiet a scary time you are not alone. You have the support of your family, friends and the wonderfull people here at SR. Perhaps your husband is done with the marraige. Perhaps he is confused. Perhaps you are done with the marraige. I'm sure that you are confused. Who wouldn't be in your shoes. I'm in a similar place so I can identify with your pain and feelings. Many of us have been where you are and at the moment it truely does suck. It will lead you to a better place in time. Where you are at is exactly where you are supposed to be. God has a plan for each of us. He will not burden you with more then you can bear. See this as a time of enlightenment - of discovering of truth. It sounds as if you're well on your way already.
Do not islolate nor dwell on the broken promises and dreams. Get out. take care of yourself! Move forward. Do it one day at a time. Jprnel your feelings too help release the anger - dont let the anger turn into resentment. Forgive the fool and have sympathy for it is his loss not yours. Believe that as it is the truth. Better days lay ahead for you. True love will find you in Gods time. This cad you married is unworthy of you. He will probabally discover this himself too late.
Put away the wedding pictures. Take off the ring and give it to him next time you see him. Tell him he can hock it and put it toward the lawyer fees. Get yourself a lawyer. Tell the kids daddy is sick and needed to go away to get well when they ask. Wether or not you are done with this relationship it is time to let it be known to him that you are. Change the locks on the doors. Let him know that with certainty by your conviction and your relief of letting go. Be strong and be short. Don't throw any guilt at him he'll feel that in time on his own.
Get into a seperated and divorced support group. Keep posting here. And remember this too shall pass.
Much love and best wishes for you and the children - Donald
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cicero ny
Posts: 65
Yreva, You are not alone. My husband had an affair too. He told me the day after our 7th anniversary and said that he was in love with someone else and he wanted a divorce. We sold our house in 3 days. I moved into a one bedroom apartment and he moved in with her. It lasted a month and he came to me begging to come home. What HOME?? We sold our home. He said home is with me no matter where we were. Boy did I fall for that hook, line and sinker. I took him back and have been miserable ever since. The drinking hasn't stopped and I don't trust him. I don't think I ever will. A's know how to manipulate and mine has it down pat. Let your hurt and anger be your strength, not your weakness. Learn from my mistake. Move on and make a better life for yourself and your children. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Wait...Hold it...Where,s the fire!!!!You found out last nite that hubby was/is having an affair.And your already thinking,laywer?Your understandably hurt.Confused.Angry,emotional,right now.Is this a good time to make life long decisions?.......Many people,many marriages have survived affairs.And ,many,people,,many,marriages. havent.In some this has been just the "thing" that got couples to really get it together,and start to live recovery,and have a stronger love,a deeper relationship with each other..And some not.Please,may i suggest,that,you, take your time.Share,all that your feeling.Get it out..Start working on your recovery.Your peace of mind,heart.I know for myself that anyime i .rushed.into decisions,when i was hurt,,that for me they were not the best, ones.I dont know you or hubby,i just know that when i rush,and hurry its because im hurt and confused..take your time....When your ...clearer........and you pray,,your answers will come.YOUR answers..That gut feeling,That knowing,inside,,with a peaceful mind and heart.
sending prayers your way.I know this is a very difficult time for ********{you}}}}}.You are no longer all alone.Keep sharring and reaching out...
sending prayers your way.I know this is a very difficult time for ********{you}}}}}.You are no longer all alone.Keep sharring and reaching out...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minneapolis, MI
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Yreva
Thanks everyone---I am really surprised at how much my eyes have been opened in the last few weeks. I am slowly realizing how much I put up with and am really wondering why? I was so unhappy yet I stayed for so long. I don't think I even allowed myself to think about all of it. My counselor says he thinks that my A mom was never there for me, emotionally or otherwise, so I picked a man that would do the same. What a mess---why would I want to repeat that cycle?!? I have so much to learn and so much recovering to do in order to be healthy for my life. I want to make sure that I am totally healthy before I walk into another relationship---for the sake of my kids and me. I am truly thankful to have people here at SR.
Di
Di
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
I had affairs on my wife, and in my other principle relationship of the last ten years. There is recovery for him and you.....
What is a Sexaholic and What is Sexual Sobriety?
We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.
Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.
This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this.
© 1989, 2001 SA Literature.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.
http://www.sa.org
There is recovery for him and you... see below...
What is a Sexaholic and What is Sexual Sobriety?
We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.
Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.
This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this.
© 1989, 2001 SA Literature.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.
http://www.sa.org
There is recovery for him and you... see below...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 45
I am so sorry!! You are a strong woman and you will get through this! You have done everything you can for your marriage and kids and he will wake up one day and say what have I done! I know this has to be hard, but I also guess it helps make sense of his actions lately!
Something I heard once, Your dream girl/ guy is someone else's pain in the a**. He has no clue what he is doing right now and although he may feel "free" from his problems, they will only return in time! It is not about the "other person" it is about HIM!!! Sometimes I'd rather someone else have to deal with my AH instead of me... no would want to! If you need to talk I'm around!
Something I heard once, Your dream girl/ guy is someone else's pain in the a**. He has no clue what he is doing right now and although he may feel "free" from his problems, they will only return in time! It is not about the "other person" it is about HIM!!! Sometimes I'd rather someone else have to deal with my AH instead of me... no would want to! If you need to talk I'm around!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Di
Know that there are prayers here for you.
Know that you are not alone.
but most important.... Know it is HIS issues and that you are worth so much more then how he has treated you and your marriage.
Can't count how many times I have said to myself ...What guy in his right mind would allow such a wonderful lady to get away? Thing being alcohol and or drugs tend to make many not be in their right mind. Not an excuse, but a reason.
You are worth so much more then the way you have been treated.
Know that there are prayers here for you.
Know that you are not alone.
but most important.... Know it is HIS issues and that you are worth so much more then how he has treated you and your marriage.
Can't count how many times I have said to myself ...What guy in his right mind would allow such a wonderful lady to get away? Thing being alcohol and or drugs tend to make many not be in their right mind. Not an excuse, but a reason.
You are worth so much more then the way you have been treated.
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