future tripping
 

I get frustrated when told I'm future tripping.

I feel like there is a thin line between predicting behavior in order to secure your own safety and future tripping.

It's so hard because when you've lived with an A you find their behavior to be so unpredictable that it BECOMES predictable....I hope that makes sense. So you work so hard to protect all your "parts" so that you can maintain the sanity for the sake of the household. It's one thing to allow them to have their OWN consequenses..but when those consequences continually have negative effects on YOU- you start to take some protective measures to ensure that you can still function and make ends meet while they are "dealing with the consequences".


Also I believe that a lot of us are abused, which makes future tripping damn near essential to survival. You HAVE to predict the behavior of your abuser to ensure your own safety. You MUST walk the egg shells or pay the price. You learn very quickly the predictable/unpredictable pattern of your abuser and use this knowledge to somehow live SOME resemblence of a life around THEIR clock..not yours. Which of course is NO way to live...but a lot of us here haven't left yet...so we continue to "future trip".

I don't know where to draw the line with all this stuff.....it's hard NOT to future trip when you are bound to this person by law and in the eyes of the community, kids school, etc.....they are an extension of you. It's hard not to worry about the next thing they eff up.

Thoughts on future tripping?

Again, this probably goes back to letting go of what you can't control- let go and let God...but this is a tough one for me. I'm a compulsive worrier.

I get what you're saying. And you're right--it's foolish not to think about what might happen and to plan for it--ESPECIALLY when you are dealing with abuse.

I think where it becomes future-tripping is when that's where you LIVE. You get so focused on juggling all the possible what-ifs that you lose sight of what's in front of you, NOW, that you need to deal with.

And really, it's not viable to live that way indefinitely. Survival mode is one thing, but planning to continue doing this for the rest of your life is another.

One other thing--in spite of the fact that his actions can have consequences for you and the kids, he is NOT an extension of you. You are your own person, and so is he. You aren't siamese twins who can't be separated.

Hugs,

When I lived in Illinois, I learned how to hunker down for tornadoes. I'd seen them before, knew that when the sky went green it was going to hit the fan. I had the provisions in the basement, the first aid kit, water bottles filled etc. that's not future tripping, that's knowing how to protect yourself. Then when you can, you move out of the tornadoes zone.

My own basic philosophy:

*Learn from the past.

*Plan for the future.

*Live in the moment.

:grouphug:

Also I believe that a lot of us are abused, which makes future tripping damn near essential to survival. You HAVE to predict the behavior of your abuser to ensure your own safety. You MUST walk the egg shells or pay the price. You learn very quickly the predictable/unpredictable pattern of your abuser and use this knowledge to somehow live SOME resemblence of a life around THEIR clock..not yours. Which of course is NO way to live...but a lot of us here haven't left yet...so we continue to "future trip".

I also grew up with alcoholism (dad) and mental illness (mom), so this was behavior I learned at an early age. My survival depended on being hypervigilant and attuned to the moods and whims of the adults in the home.
This has been one of the hardest things for me to let go of as I work through my character defects in Alanon, I also notice it in other family members, namely my brother, but also my mom, who grew up in a DV household. We are all experts at predicting every negative outcome for any given situation. The psychic hotline's got nothing on us.
When I do catch myself doing this, practicing mindfulness (meditation) has been a helpful tool in correcting this behavior, which started as a survival mechanism but is no longer useful to me in my current abuse-free home.

Hi Freetosmile - I'm sorry I got distracted :)

I do get your point - it's hard not to think about the future when you're in a situation you want, and need, to get out of.

For myself, I always defined the line between healthy and not healthy as ..it's ok to make plans about the future, but it's not ok to live there...y'know?
:)

D

I will freely admit that I "seek" crisis... Because that's really all I have ever known and anything else just doesn't feel right. That's part of my recovery... But NOT with abuse. I've never "gotten something out of it". Do I have self esteem issues? sure!! But I've never stayed or went back because I GOT something out of it. I stayed out went back because of my own FEAR.

Lexie, thank you for all you do. I am so glad that those on this site who are going through DV, male and female alike, have you as support. Your knowledge and your work in this field is admirable, I just wanted to throw out there how much I appreciate you!

I completely understand future tripping. It's so very hard not to do, as a means of protecting yourself. I know I just wore myself out. As someone else said, I try to live in the moment while being aware of when the environment changes.

XXX

FTS - I totally get the future tripping. I've never dealt with physical abuse, but I think living with an alcoholic is generally an abusive situation. In my case, and if I'm really honest, probably both ways - I'm the queen of the silent treatment, and just taking off when I don't want to deal with him. That's abusive - as much as his nit picking and targeting me for a fight, and bagging out on plans so he can drink. We've both sunk to calling names and degrading eachother.

Anywho - because so many times have sucked because of his drinking and my reaction to it, i've learned to "have zero expectations." That sounds nice. What it really means for me is I PLAN on him failing at being able to drive in the evening, talking about our days when I get home, going to family events, remembering anything, or intimacy. He's proven me wrong as much as hes proven me right.

I don't know how to stop, or if I should stop 'protecting myself' - i.e. bracing for the worst.

My dad has really scary terminal cancer right now - one of the blessings in all of it is that I don't feel entitled to sweat much of anything anymore. I'm TRYING to take each day, no, each moment as it comes because this horrible situation has made it very clear to me that nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing.

FEELING that realization (although i've always known it) is changing me in a great way. I never thought it possible for a controlling codie perfectionist planner worrier and fixer of all to take everything as it IS, rather than try to mold it as i think it should be.

Maybe it all goes back to gratitude? If we give thanks for the good that is in this moment, and deal with the bad the best way we can in this moment, then the future won't mater much because we know we are headed in the right direction. I dunno - I share your struggle there.

FTS - I just want to say that with what you've been going through for years... how could you NOT future-trip??? I think it's very healthy that you point it out to yourself, too. Has he been treating you well? Is he still living in a sober house and if so, does he think he's moving back in a certain amount of time?

I have struggled with future tripping all of my life.

One of the things that I forget when I am future tripping is that I don't have to "stay" in the relationship that I am future tripping about.

In my case I was trying to act perfectly so my loved one would not drink. I had very tunnel vision about that. What I would wear, say, how I would be. I spent a lot of time/energy trying to pick up moods, encourage him etc. I thought that 1 + 1 = 2 (which is way to rational for an irrational disease).

I never considered that I could remove myself from the relationship.....and thus remove myself from a lot of the future tripping. I thought I had gotten married so I needed to stick with it, and my future tripping was about how to make that work.

I used it to try and control and uncontrollable situation....if I could plan it all out it would work out okay.

It also served for me to not be very present when I was in it.....I was so much in the future that I never asked myself if I wanted to stay in the relationship.

So Free I get it. I had to look at the core of "why" I was future tripping to help me figure out what was truly useful to me and what was part of my old way of coping.

Great question.

Yes he has been well refiner... He's been living out of the house and yes we have agreed upon 6 months of solid sobriety before continuing to work on "us". I don't know if that's long enough, but we'll see.
He's been VERY good to the kids and I. His new medication seems to be bringing about some radical changes in thought processing, which is a relief to think it could be more of a chemical imbalance rather than his true nature.... But I'm not holding my breath on that. As Amy, lexi, and dandy have been good to point out-- this could be another honeymoon.... So future tripping is very hard for me...

ahh, the honeymoon ....

[QUOTE=freetosmile;5309901]

"It's so hard because when you've lived with an A you find their behavior to be so unpredictable that it BECOMES predictable....I hope that makes sense."


I have literally said this to my XABF, "Your inconsistencies are consistent." Meaning, your behavior is so unpredictable, that I can now predict it.

This was really hard for me because I actually convinced myself that I was okay with this. That I could still be happy even when he would go off on me and then disappear for a week because I knew it was going to happen. Therefore, I was prepared and I could handle it. I am super woman! I won't let his vicious mood swings get to me. LOL!

That thinking lasted for about 2 months. And then I found it to be worse because I was so disappointed in myself for allowing this to continue. I was allowing the behavior and actually told him it was ok! I wasn't ok with it, I was screaming inside.

And then, my own anger came out. I stooped to his level. I allowed him to bring me there. And for this I am truly disappointed in myself. And sadly, thinking I could live my life in this horrible silence still seems easier than walking away. Its been 13 days of no communication and I am paralyzed and consumed with thoughts of him and us.

I am sleeping better, eating better, work is good, family is good, I am actually taking care of myself and my responsibilities and not putting him before EVERYTHING else. But I am so sad and lonely without him. I love him more than any other man I've been with. He is absolutely everything I've ever wanted in a partner.....minus the alcoholism. Praying to get over this and let this go soon because being with him is not an option anymore.

so sorry smilin g

Mine too was the love of my life, hard to walk away

Good afternoon, everyone;

If you would like to debate psych theory, please keep it to PM. Many posts have now been removed.

If you have experienced a similar situation as FTS and have managed to work through it, please share what worked for you.

FTS, my humble apologies! I'm afraid I have not had a relationship that matches anything you have been through, but I do understand that feeling of 'waiting for the other shoe to fall'. I hope today has been a bit better.

S