DD is cutting
 

Ahhhhh!!!

So I found out through my 12 year old daughter that my 14 year old dd is cutting herself......

My initial reaction was anger. WHY????? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? (I didn't say that, of course). Then I wondered if she was doing it for attention, because she posted something about it on instagram (I don't follow her on that app- so I was clueless)....

Then I decided to do some research and found out that my reactions to this behavior are apparently pretty common for parents.

I did talk to dd about it. I told her we knew what was going on and that it hurt me so much to see her injuring herself in that way. I asked her why she was doing it, and she said she didn't want to talk about it. ( Not like she doesn't have a reason to be in turmoil with everything that has been going on around here the past 6 months--- PLUS being a young teenager is hard enough).
I just told her we loved her and were here for her and that I wish she wouldn't do that to herself. According to T, that was the best thing to do. She'll be going to counseling once a week now.

AHHHH! The codie side of me wants to FIX FIX FIX !! WHY are doing you doing this? What do I need to do to MAKE you stop? WHY don't you want to talk to me??? You're doing this because I'm a horrible mother aren't you?? You hate me.... and so on.

I haven't said any of that, but I'm reeeeaaallly upset about this and the codie part is rearing it's ugly head.

I'm sorry you and DD are going through this... :(
It sounds like you handled it really well though.
Good job Mom, you're doing great

Free - is she in therapy? She really needs help, cutting is bad :(
I am so sorry for all of you, will be praying for you all!

yeah Trigger, she is in therapy. She was only going once every 2 weeks, but I've bumped her up to once a week. Yeah, I know it's bad. I'm hurting for her, but I just don't want to jump into crisis mode yet.
T says to remember that cutting is NOT a suicide attempt and that right now she has only TRIED it...she is not a habitual cutter yet. She also said that a lot of the burden a child feels is lifted and relieved by the parents finding out about it, so maybe me taking the burden from her will help some.....

It sounds like you did the right thing. If you need more support I definitely recommend you post on the Mental Health sub forum here. We have quite a few cutters.

I'm sorry, Free - hoping this is a one time or very short lived phase. Being a teen is not for the faint of heart....and parents of teens, well, y'all deserve combat pay.

As a former cutter (and stubber), for me the great turnaround came through therapy, but looking back on myself as a young person... I was under a great deal of pressure from all sides, and my eating disorder ("You can do all you like to try and control me, and get in the way of what I want to do with my life - but I can be the size I want") and the cutting were both a safety valve which, in a perverse sort of way, kept my sanity.

I used to get up in the morning, my mind a mass of confusion and experiencing a general sense of unreality, and the stinging pain of cutting made everything feel "real" again - and I could carry on with my studies, no problem.

Freetosmile - her cutting isn't about you. It's her own way of coping right now, and hopefully she will find a better one through therapy. It may take a while, and if she could articulate her thoughts and feelings in a way she could communicate to others, she probably wouldn't need to cut.

You are being very brave, and doing the best thing, by not applying any more pressure to her. That would only exacerbate the problem.

I'm very concerned at how upset and full of guilt you feel, too. As I say, this isn't about you. (((HUGE HUGS))) and hope you all get through this OK.

THANK YOU!!! Wow- that made me feel soooo much better. I just wish I could do more for her...but I tend to be so damn pushy, that I fear my hounding on her to discuss it with me would only push her away further.

Thanks for this- I'm glad to know from someone who has had experience with this- as I have absolutely ZERO.

Free you handled the situation well. I work with adolescents and children and many have severe mental health issues and many self harm. A major reason for self harming is that young people want to feel something, anything else than the emotional pain they are going through, they can't cope with it so want to feel a different form of pain. It can feel soothing for young people seeing blood and they feel a release of their emotions and pain.

Have plenty of sterile wipes in the home so you or your dd can clean the wound, this will help prevent infection and if your not sure about a cut or whether it is deep take her to the dr or the emergency dept and they can assess it. One thing we do with our young people is draw up a safety plan, who they can talk to if they're upset, wanting to self harm or if they are worried they have cut too deeply. This usually works well for the young person? Sorry I know this sounds very practical.

There is nothing you can do to prevent this all you can do is what you are doing and that is reassure your daughter that you love her and you are there for her if she needs to talk. I would try not to tell her how it makes you feel, this may cause her to feel guilt and feel she is letting you down in some way.

This is not your fault in any way. its good she has a therapist hopefully she can talk to her about what's going on for her and why she is self harming but also the therapist should be able to discuss with her various coping strategies instead of self harming.

((((Hug)))) to you and your dd.

I found out (after the fact) that my older son did this for a time. He has scars on his upper arms from it. He went through a VERY tough adolescence.

He outgrew the cutting (though he still likes his tattoos--the piercings he's allowed to close up). I'm not sure exactly at what stage the cutting happened (he was living with his dad), but I believe it was after he had stopped the therapy that followed after his year that he spent in a youth home, but before he got past the depression that dogged him as a teenager. He seems emotionally healthy now, though I think he still has a tendency toward depression. He's mostly happy with his job and his relationship. If either of them took a dive I have a feeling he'd struggle for a bit before righting himself again. Thankfully he is pretty negative toward alcohol or drug abuse--he's strictly a social drinker/occasional toker, to my knowledge.

Hugs, hopefully this will be a passing phase, though it's good to pay attention to it and for her to get some help.

That's not Codie wanting to fix your 14 year old child, that's MAMA! No more dysfunctional than if you found somebody cutting her and stomped the living snot out of them with a doc Martin.

You did good mama! My daughter was a cutter too. With therapy, she learned to express her considerable anxiety. She's now helping many girls in NA with the same issue. Her step mom was abusive and I didn't see the signs. She was afraid to talk and put on the fake smile. Just keep loving on her like you are!

Duckygirl, you crack me up.

Free, you're doing great. I know the urge to fix it at all costs is overwhelming at times, but I think you've taken necessary measures to not exacerbate the situation. And kudos to your 12 year old for telling you. That took guts. I wonder where she gets it from? Lol

Rosalba and Butterfly nailed it with their comments on what self harm can be for people, especially adolescents.

I was a cutter starting at the age of 13 until maybe 19-20 yo. For me it was a self-soothing act wherein the physical pain temporarily eased the overwhelming emotional pain/numbness dichotomy. It was something 'real' and 'controllable' for someone feeling so out of control of their life and/or emotions.

I think you handled it very well, Free. The hardest thing for me was thinking that my parents must have known (I was not careful about covering up) but were too wrapped up in their own issues to even care to confront me and steer me into getting help. By letting her know that you know, and that you love and support her, along with getting her to the regular therapy sessions, hopefully she will be able to find other coping strategies for what she is going through. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this - it must be so scary.

Yep - very much my experience. (When I told my mother I was cutting, and was going to see a counsellor, she said 'How peculiar!' and changed the subject...!)

Hope life is kinder to you these days AN, and Free - your daughter knows you love her, and that you care. That's a gift greater than rubies. (Make sure you're getting loads of support for yourself, too!)

xxx

I'm sorry. We're dealing with self-harm with one of the kids too -- and Rosalba and Butterfly have you covered on the why and what it does for them.

Therapy is good. You could ask the therapist for advice on how to deal with body privacy at this point. Superficial cutting will just leave scars, but deeper cutting can need to be sutured professionally. We went through a period when I did body inspections every night because we couldn't rely on DD to tell me when she couldn't stop a bleeding.

My older daughter was a cutter for a few years. Therapy, etc. all of those things.

Her life is no longer chaos. Both her Father and I got help. It's not perfect, but at almost 17 she is doing much better.

My younger sister (we were raised in an alcoholic home) has to control everything. I try to be kind and tolerant because I know how hard it is. Control is her drug. I thank doG today that I don't have to live like that.

I really love the quote, Be Kind-you never know what someone is dealing with. Amen!

Free, my eldest daughter went through this in middle school. She was being bullied at school and obviously we had home issues. I was so shocked, I could not even believe it.

However, she went to weekly counseling and within a relatively short time had passed through it. She later admitted that there was another girl who did it so she tried it too. It was a call for help. In looking back, she says she cannot believe she did that and that she would never do so again.

You are right not to panic. One thing her T did tell us is that eating disorders go hand in hand w/cutting many times, and he just advised me to look out for it. It did not happen w/her, but I just thought I would mention it to you.

Tight hugs momma. You are doing great.