Tested
 

Help me guys I am losing it with one stupid phone call from my Husband.........he called me just now to tell me that his friend from highschool called during his break today at 9:30 and asked him to go to Lansing with him to a college to pick up his girlfriends belongings..........(my husband has a pick up truck)............

I have so many things going through my mind right now........his friend drinks.......my husband has been sober for 124 days today.........his friend his hooked on cocaine........my husband has never done that before (just beer) his friend is single and going to a college campus to pick up his girlfriends stuff and wanting my husband to go with him. My husband has had an affair already.........I dont want him to go................but I have to let him decide, I dont want to try to control him anymore..............he wants to go........

I am very scared of what his choices are going to be and how they are going to effect me........I know BREATHE

breec - you are right - you don't want to control - he needs to decide himself - you could just let him know you will be concerned, but it's his choice.

i understand your anxiety - i would probably be freaking too!

hugs - hope it all comes out ok - and yes, breathe.

cwohio

I think he already lied to me about who called who............why all of a sudden out of the blue would his friend call him.........Know when he took his break at work and called him during his break.........for the first time since April 19th......his friend hasnt came by our house since the last time I came home from Tenessee from seeing my brother in the hospital. he was over visiting my husband and I came home to bothof them drinking and my husbands friend had to leave because my husband went in the house and got very irritated when he went to use the bathroom in the basement which is the bathroom that my oldest daughter uses.......while I was outside talking to his friend he went to the bathroom and had a fit because it was messy and he started to yell at my daughter about it.......I was outside and didnt know what was going on......when he came outside I knew something was wrong but I didnt know what.......he made some comment to his friend that I wasnt going to be happy when I went in the house..........maybe 15 minutes later I went into the house and I talked to my daughter who which was still crying and I asked her what was wrong........my husband had took his hand and all of my daughters makeup that was on the sink was now on the floor and he had broke one of her cover up bottles and it had splattered on the door and on the floor and there was broken glass everywhere..........I got upset as to what I had saw and went outside to ask to talk to my husband.......I was clearly upset by his actions and he knew it, so when I went back into the house I went to the basement to tell my daughter that it wasnt her fault and what he did was wrong, he knew I was upset and he followed me in the house........I was sticking up for my daughter, he was in her face for the first time in our relationship.....I was scared that he was going to actually hurt her....so I got in the middle of him and her and that is when he took me by my shirt and started to throw me around..........he bruised my arm so badly because when he threw me I fell very hard into the couch he had ripped my new shirt I just bought in Tenessee........I went outside and told his friend (who was oblivious to what was going on in the house) that he needed to leave........after he left my husband left.....and it was the first time he had ever left my house for the whole night and he stayed at his moms.......he of course talked to me on the phone later that evening and the next day and begged to come home.........and I let him.........that very same day he came home.........the cell bill came and he started to complain about how much it was........and that is when I told him to let me see it.......I told him that there must have been some kind of mistake because I know that i cut down using it this month.......(see the last month i used it alot because of my brother being in the hospital, I was calling Tenessee quite often to see my brothers progress) but I knew that he had to have been a mistake cause i really cut down calling that month) he wouldnt let me see it.........red flags came up and I said why........I said I can fix it, it should no way be 250.00 dollars there is definetly a mistake........he ripped it up in front of me.........I wasnt getting it.......I told him, I can look on line and look at the bill that way I will call them and fix it..........that is when he admitted to a affair...........with a co-worker.........he said he wanted to tell me but he didnt know how.......bla bla bla...and the rest is self explanatory........I just have so many issues........

Breec3,I know where you are coming from. My AH used to get in my oldest son's face all the time and then one day while I was at my Great Aunt's funeral he beat him up. I very rarely let my oldest son (from a previous relationship) and my H stay together without me being in the room. My H had been on a binge and things were not going well for him at work that day, so when my oldest son (who lived with my Mother for this very reason) showed up at our house my H just lost it. He has also gotten in our son's face and once stared towards him with a hammer raised. I stepped between them and told my H he needed to think about what he was doing. He left and didn't come back for a couple of days. Now he says he can't remember the incident even happening. Says I am lying when it comes up.
Take care.
Kat

Breec, you are expecting him to behave a certain way and hoping that he won't.

You need to let this go and let him make his choices and decisions. He sounds like a jerk to me and you are allowing yourself to be the victim.

IMHO, your daughter was wrong. It is a bathroom that she uses and she is old enough and responsible enough to clean up after herself, especially if others are going to use the bathroom.

I do not think your husband handled this quite right and it is so blatantly obvious he behaved that way to get to you.

What is IMHO............and you are right......I am hoping he wont go.........I am focusing on him........I am expecting he will do the right thing.........erggggggggggggg

My daughter is old enough to clean after herself your right.........putting it away to her is having it neatly lined up on the back of the left side of the sink....although no one else in the house uses it........except for an emergency when the upstairs is being used.......but see it is not her bathroom......my husband built it, just like he built her room down stairs......which is right next to the bathroom he built.....she is a teenager (15) she lives in the bathroom.....I am glad it is downstairs and not the main bathroom that everyone else uses..........I dont mind her girly stuff being there and I dont think it is messy......she just dont have it out of site........the mood just strikes him to get on a Ashley kick.......and that what he focuses on sometimes........it is never to her....it is always to me..............

My husband just called me to tell me how much he loves me.......he knows how upset I am..........he just knows me.....I told him that is was his choice whether he goes or not........(that killed me) I said it very nicely and very calm......I did everything I could to not let him know how crazy I am over it..... I did tell him that I was uncomfortable with him going........(was that to much) ergggggggg..........I suggested that maybe I could go with him.........he was aggravated by that..........he told me so.........I know LET GO AND LET GOD............

breec - IMHO is "in my humble opinion" - chat lingo.

you've voiced your feelings - it's up to him now - don't drive yourself crazy - if he's going to do something, it doesn't matter if it's with his friend or in town.

yes - we must let go and let God. i feel your anguish and pain!

hugs - cwohio

IMHO ..... In my humble opinion.

I am not in your shoes so it is hard for me. I would just tell him to go and have a good time and you'll see him when he gets back.

How can someone call you and tell you he loves you, then in less than 5 minutes get aggravated at you for asking to come along? I mean really, go back and re-read what you wrote.

Tell him to go and have a good time and have some peace in your life. Keep busy, do something and try not to obsess about him.

he just knows me.....

Yes, my H knew me very well too. He knew just how far he had to go to get a reaction. He knew just what to say to reel me back in.

He knew me very well. He sure was surprised when I was different.

Maybe, breec, your recovery is showing. Maybe he is going on this trip because his usual tactics aren't working to drag you down to his level. Maybe he is grasping for something - anything - that will bring out that old you.

I don't know this to be true but it is always a possibility. Stay strong sweetie. This too shall pass.
L

He knew that I was asking to go along because I dont trust him........not because I wanted to spend time with him........He knew I was asking for all the wrong reasons.......he became defensive......

He was right.......I am being a control freak........

You don't trust him because he's done things that prove he is not to be trusted.

The point is that, there is nothing you can do about that. He made his choices and they had nothing to do with you.

There is no way that you can keep an eye on him 24 hours a day to make sure he doesn't cheat on you again. You have to let that go. He is going to do what he is going to do. All that you can do is find a way to be at peace with that or find a way to get away from it.
L

Okay, it is official........I am a freak.............I called my husband and told him that I was very sorry for giving him bad vibes for my own insecurities that I am having......I told him that he should go and I told him that this may give him an opportunity to be able to spend some quality time with an old friend........I told him that I was unfair, I told him that he doesnt have to worry about the kids, they will be taken care of.........I told him that I will be fine and not to worry about me.........

Going outside and Breathing different air did me some good........

I have stopped obsessing, I have decided that this is a great opportunity for me to be able to go to my meeting tonight and get the focus off of him.......I will expect nothing.......I will hope for nothing..........for him...........I am only going to hope that I get something out of my meeting tonight to benifit myself.............

This is so hard:(

Thank you, my friends at Sober recovery:)

Good for you! Recovery is never easy, but this is a first step. Congratulations and much support coming from me!

Just curious, what did he say when you told him that?

My feeling is he may try to bait you later, don't bite! Stick to it.

he said okay and thank you for understanding, he didnt say that he is going to go.....but I did get a strong feeling that is what he is going to do...he said he loves me.......I told him if he goes to be careful and I will see him when he gets home.......

Good. Now you do what you have to do this weekend and don't worry about something that may or may not happen. Enjoy this time and find some peace.

(((breec))) - aspouse is right. take care of yourself this weekend - lots of times we do worry over things that never happen. not to minimize what you have suffered in the past.

go to your meeting and fly girlfriend!!!! you did good!

cwohio

Breec3, I have been where you are apologizing for my behavior when my AH should have been begging for my forgiveness. Stop apologizing. Maybe you did step over the co-dependent line and maybe not. But really, look at the bigger picture of the entire event , your daughter was emotionally abused, you were physically abused. Chaos has broken out all around and you are apologizing because you asked if you could go along on the trip with the buddy. Besides "I love you" what apologies have you received?

You are in danger and I don't think you even see it because you are so afraid of losing the relationship. Physical violence does escalate. Please seek counseling, support and safety for you and your daughter.

Live Strong

Just called home, his friends car is there and my husband went with him.........