boredom, how to support
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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boredom, how to support
So I told dh to get sober or get out last Wed. He finished his bottle Wed night. Thurs he was sober. Fri he had a small bottle, much less than normal. Sat was a few beers a friend brought. Fri/sat he didn't seem to even get drunk it was so much less than "normal". He has now been sober Sun, Mon, Tues. Baby steps, but progress all the same.
He told me fri he wants to just drink on the weekend, like a normal person. I don't think its possible. I also don't think I can convince him of that. I think he needs to be sober, then drink on fri and feel all those cravings come back to really get it. I'm not encouraging him to do this, I just think he might need that to happen for the reality to hit him.
So last night he was sitting there saying he was bored. I know boredom was always an excuse to drink. I know the continued boredom will become a trigger for him. I also know its not my job to entertain him.
But how do I support him through this?
He told me fri he wants to just drink on the weekend, like a normal person. I don't think its possible. I also don't think I can convince him of that. I think he needs to be sober, then drink on fri and feel all those cravings come back to really get it. I'm not encouraging him to do this, I just think he might need that to happen for the reality to hit him.
So last night he was sitting there saying he was bored. I know boredom was always an excuse to drink. I know the continued boredom will become a trigger for him. I also know its not my job to entertain him.
But how do I support him through this?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi 3070, are you feeling responsible for his entertainment? He may be bored, he may be sitting around feeling bored, but it's not your problem. He's an adult, he needs to learn to handle sobriety himself. Resist the urge to rescue him.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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So I told dh to get sober or get out last Wed. He finished his bottle Wed night. Thurs he was sober. Fri he had a small bottle, much less than normal. Sat was a few beers a friend brought. Fri/sat he didn't seem to even get drunk it was so much less than "normal".
I think long before you worry about HIS boredome you need to first focus on YOUR boundaries and sticking to them.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
You can't support him if he isn't ready to quit, and it sounds like he isn't.
He just cut back to get you off his back, but pretty quickly he'll be right back where he was or worse.
I did the same thing to my spouse, so I know the pattern very well.
Maybe continue with your boundary of not living with a person who is drinking will show him your serious.
Tell him if he wants to drink, that's fine, but he needs to make other living arrrangements as you will not live with an active drinker.
Tough perhaps, but if you "allow" him to try to moderate, he will fail and the pattern will keep repeating itself.
It really depends if you are ready to move forward with that, or need to stick around for some more to be sure. We support you either way.
Alanon can help you start to figure out what's best for you if you can find a meeting.
He just cut back to get you off his back, but pretty quickly he'll be right back where he was or worse.
I did the same thing to my spouse, so I know the pattern very well.
Maybe continue with your boundary of not living with a person who is drinking will show him your serious.
Tell him if he wants to drink, that's fine, but he needs to make other living arrrangements as you will not live with an active drinker.
Tough perhaps, but if you "allow" him to try to moderate, he will fail and the pattern will keep repeating itself.
It really depends if you are ready to move forward with that, or need to stick around for some more to be sure. We support you either way.
Alanon can help you start to figure out what's best for you if you can find a meeting.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 15
The boundary failed on fri b/c I woke up with a massive migraine, vomiting, anxiety attack, the works. I was struggling to care for me that day and was in no place to enforce any boundaries. Sat his friend came over bringing beer. This whole thing is new for us and neither of us were prepared for how to handle that situation.
I do think dh wants to quit. I just don't think he has come to terms with the idea of never drinking again. He wants to be normal and be able to have a drink sometimes. I don't think he accepted that isn't a possibility.
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
I do think dh wants to quit. I just don't think he has come to terms with the idea of never drinking again. He wants to be normal and be able to have a drink sometimes. I don't think he accepted that isn't a possibility.
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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If they're bored because there's nothing around to do when they're sober, there's still nothing to do when drunk, they just don't notice it as much. So they really aren't looking for stimulation, just distraction. This of course can only be achieved by drinking. He's not ready to quit. He can't abide by your boundary because he can't abide by his own.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by 3070 
The boundary failed on fri b/c I woke up with a massive migraine, vomiting, anxiety attack, the works. I was struggling to care for me that day and was in no place to enforce any boundaries. Sat his friend came over bringing beer. This whole thing is new for us and neither of us were prepared for how to handle that situation.
I do think dh wants to quit. I just don't think he has come to terms with the idea of never drinking again. He wants to be normal and be able to have a drink sometimes. I don't think he accepted that isn't a possibility.
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
I do think dh wants to quit. I just don't think he has come to terms with the idea of never drinking again. He wants to be normal and be able to have a drink sometimes. I don't think he accepted that isn't a possibility.
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
Unfortunately, being "supportive" is pretty much read as weakness by someone not ready to stop drinking.
Sorry you are hurting.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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He doesn't want to quit drinking. "He told me fri he wants to just drink on the weekend, like a normal person."
He's a long way from wanting to quit.
I suggest you go to Al-Anon and start thinking about what your boundaries REALLY are. Empty threats only tell him you don't need to be taken seriously. Nobody is suggesting you have to leave the relationship right away, but don't say things that you don't mean.
He's a long way from wanting to quit.
I suggest you go to Al-Anon and start thinking about what your boundaries REALLY are. Empty threats only tell him you don't need to be taken seriously. Nobody is suggesting you have to leave the relationship right away, but don't say things that you don't mean.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
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The boundary failed on fri b/c I woke up with a massive migraine, vomiting, anxiety attack, the works. I was struggling to care for me that day and was in no place to enforce any boundaries. Sat his friend came over bringing beer. This whole thing is new for us and neither of us were prepared for how to handle that situation.
I do think dh wants to quit. I just don't think he has come to terms with the idea of never drinking again. He wants to be normal and be able to have a drink sometimes. I don't think he accepted that isn't a possibility.
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
I do think dh wants to quit. I just don't think he has come to terms with the idea of never drinking again. He wants to be normal and be able to have a drink sometimes. I don't think he accepted that isn't a possibility.
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by 3070
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments? Calling him out on how it isn't my job isn't supportive. How do I handle it in a supportive way?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
One of the biggest challenges someone who actually quits is learning to live with their feelings. You can't help. He has to learn this all by himself. While it's tough if he really wants it he will learn to cope
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Just wanted to add this. You won't make it easier for him to quit drinking by taking care of all his perceived reasons for drinking. In other words, you can't control his desire to drink by making sure he isn't bored or by doing other things to "support" him.
He could go on for years and years this way. He isn't going to "wake up" because he finds that he has cravings. He will just drink to relieve them and then make excuses for it to convince you (and himself) that he is simply choosing to drink and that he's controlling it just fine. I know, I did that for quite a few years, myself, as did most of the alcoholics I know.
He could go on for years and years this way. He isn't going to "wake up" because he finds that he has cravings. He will just drink to relieve them and then make excuses for it to convince you (and himself) that he is simply choosing to drink and that he's controlling it just fine. I know, I did that for quite a few years, myself, as did most of the alcoholics I know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
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OK I know all of you mean well, but your advice isn't helpful. I didn't ask for you to tell me if he means what he says or to comment on my struggles holding the boundary, etc. I know you are trying to make sure I'm well aware of reality, but that's not what I asked for.
I have asked for ways I can be supportive when he lets me know he is struggling with this. I don't want to fix it for him. But when I respond to him I want to know what to say that would be helpful. How do I tell him its his to figure out w/o sounding like a jerk? It's not in my nature to be mean spirited. But the old way of handling him didn't work, obviously. So I need some suggestions for what to say that is supportive of him, but also respectful to myself.
I have asked for ways I can be supportive when he lets me know he is struggling with this. I don't want to fix it for him. But when I respond to him I want to know what to say that would be helpful. How do I tell him its his to figure out w/o sounding like a jerk? It's not in my nature to be mean spirited. But the old way of handling him didn't work, obviously. So I need some suggestions for what to say that is supportive of him, but also respectful to myself.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
3070- I will be honest I don't know how you can say things to him. Have you asked him how he would like you to be supportive? If it's merely boredom that he really struggles with I would say that's a big challenge. Much of life is boring. Does or did he have hobbies, belong to a club, etc? What I think would be helpful for him is to figure out if it's really boredom or is he actually stressed and looking for an escape? Maybe he is tired. There is a lot of possibilities. I think if you really want him to quit and he doesn't want to completely than the two of you have to come up with rules, boundaries, and so on that you both can live with
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I just don't see how it's possible to be supportive of someone who is handing you an excuse.
I don't see, from your description, where he is making any sincere effort to remain sober--he's TOLD you he still wants to "drink normally." He's still drinking whenever the urge strikes. Not drinking for a few days isn't "progress." Recovery from alcoholism doesn't work that way. It isn't something you can work your way up to, like working out at the gym. As long as the alcoholic is drinking, the disease is progressing.
I've been around recovery for over 35 years, when my first husband got sober. I later married another alcoholic, who went back to drinking. I'm sober myself now for six years. I know tons of recovered/recovering alcoholics.
It isn't that we are ignoring your question--the problem is that there's no way to do what you're hoping to do.
I don't see, from your description, where he is making any sincere effort to remain sober--he's TOLD you he still wants to "drink normally." He's still drinking whenever the urge strikes. Not drinking for a few days isn't "progress." Recovery from alcoholism doesn't work that way. It isn't something you can work your way up to, like working out at the gym. As long as the alcoholic is drinking, the disease is progressing.
I've been around recovery for over 35 years, when my first husband got sober. I later married another alcoholic, who went back to drinking. I'm sober myself now for six years. I know tons of recovered/recovering alcoholics.
It isn't that we are ignoring your question--the problem is that there's no way to do what you're hoping to do.
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