boredom, how to support
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My grandma used to say, "only stupid people are bored, and you're not stupid, so find something to do."
With my kids, I've been more blunt -- any time they tell me they're bored, I tell them we have three toilets that could always stand a cleaning.
In other words -- when someone's bored, it's their own responsibility to find something to do, whether they're addicts or not. I know the oceans of time when you're not drinking is super difficult for recently sober alcoholics, but it's not anyone else's job to come up with hobbies or entertainment for them.
Recovery is a personal responsibility. If he wants you to go biking or go to a movie with you, by all means do, if it doesn't interfere with your other plans. But let him come up with what to do. Otherwise you're just trying to "help" again -- which is never helpful.
With my kids, I've been more blunt -- any time they tell me they're bored, I tell them we have three toilets that could always stand a cleaning.
In other words -- when someone's bored, it's their own responsibility to find something to do, whether they're addicts or not. I know the oceans of time when you're not drinking is super difficult for recently sober alcoholics, but it's not anyone else's job to come up with hobbies or entertainment for them.
Recovery is a personal responsibility. If he wants you to go biking or go to a movie with you, by all means do, if it doesn't interfere with your other plans. But let him come up with what to do. Otherwise you're just trying to "help" again -- which is never helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know its not my job to entertain him. But what do I do when he makes those comments?
Supportive doesn't always have to be an "action" on your part.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It seems like you are looking for ways to be supportive of him drinking less or quitting. For that, you can pat him on the back for taking a few nights off - for sure! I think positive reinforcement is great for anyone! I let my ABF know that it is nice to hang out with him while he is sober often. Sure you can offer suggestions of things to do when he is bored. It doesn't sound like he is asking you how to quit drinking, or how to moderate though.
Everyone here is telling you that based on your ultimatum, and his response to it, you can really only support him by taking care of yourself. I know that isn't the answer you are looking for. That isn't what I thought I would hear when I got here. I thought i'd get all these ideas on how I could get him to stop drinking. Surely there must be a way to even nudge him in the right direction. Welp - I got the same answers you did. 3 years later - it is clear that my situation was not unique in any way.
Usually, the circumstances that lead us to the "me or the booze" talk are usually nightmarish, defeating, painful, sickening, and horribly, horribly sad. We've ALL been there. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
We don't want you to be mean spirited, or to stop loving him. We hope you will take care of yourself. Sometimes, when the addicted partner sees the codependent partner getting help (and visa-versa), and getting better, they follow suit. Not always. Sometimes one partner, through growing and taking care of themselves, realizes that they are growing apart from the one who is not growing at a similar pace. (((HUGS))) that you are living with alcoholism. Truly, the best advice here is to stop focusing on him - this is his problem, and he has to fix it should he decide it even is a problem, and turn your focus to you and your own happiness.
Everyone here is telling you that based on your ultimatum, and his response to it, you can really only support him by taking care of yourself. I know that isn't the answer you are looking for. That isn't what I thought I would hear when I got here. I thought i'd get all these ideas on how I could get him to stop drinking. Surely there must be a way to even nudge him in the right direction. Welp - I got the same answers you did. 3 years later - it is clear that my situation was not unique in any way.
Usually, the circumstances that lead us to the "me or the booze" talk are usually nightmarish, defeating, painful, sickening, and horribly, horribly sad. We've ALL been there. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
We don't want you to be mean spirited, or to stop loving him. We hope you will take care of yourself. Sometimes, when the addicted partner sees the codependent partner getting help (and visa-versa), and getting better, they follow suit. Not always. Sometimes one partner, through growing and taking care of themselves, realizes that they are growing apart from the one who is not growing at a similar pace. (((HUGS))) that you are living with alcoholism. Truly, the best advice here is to stop focusing on him - this is his problem, and he has to fix it should he decide it even is a problem, and turn your focus to you and your own happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by 3070 
So I told dh to get sober or get out last Wed. He finished his bottle Wed night. Thurs he was sober. Fri he had a small bottle, much less than normal. Sat was a few beers a friend brought. Fri/sat he didn't seem to even get drunk it was so much less than "normal". He has now been sober Sun, Mon, Tues. Baby steps, but progress all the same.
He told me fri he wants to just drink on the weekend, like a normal person. I don't think its possible. I also don't think I can convince him of that. I think he needs to be sober, then drink on fri and feel all those cravings come back to really get it. I'm not encouraging him to do this, I just think he might need that to happen for the reality to hit him.
So last night he was sitting there saying he was bored. I know boredom was always an excuse to drink. I know the continued boredom will become a trigger for him. I also know its not my job to entertain him.
But how do I support him through this?
He told me fri he wants to just drink on the weekend, like a normal person. I don't think its possible. I also don't think I can convince him of that. I think he needs to be sober, then drink on fri and feel all those cravings come back to really get it. I'm not encouraging him to do this, I just think he might need that to happen for the reality to hit him.
So last night he was sitting there saying he was bored. I know boredom was always an excuse to drink. I know the continued boredom will become a trigger for him. I also know its not my job to entertain him.
But how do I support him through this?
Its normal for a person to have ambivalence before making major life changes. I think some of the things your mentioning may actually help him move through the stages of change. Quitting alcohol or drugs or anything for that matter is a big decision. I think about when Ive decided to make changes in my life and usually they happened gradually. Identifying that hes bored while not drinking may give him perspective to see how much time he spends drinking for example when he could be doing other things. I think your wanting to support him is great. I think if your able to talk with him, listen, and do what we call "collaboration" then maybe you could help him think of pleasant alternatives. I assume he enjoys drinking, so these alternatives need to also be things he enjoys. A positive replacement if you will. When my husband was in early recovery together we tried a lot of new activities. If you enjoy spending time together include yourself in the suggestions. I found it brought a lot of togetherness for me and my husband.
I also think your right he may have to go through "sobriety sampling". He may need to try to moderate, drink on weekends, in order to prove to himself it can/cant be done. Some people can successfully moderate, others cant. I think its a journey of discovery for him. Its hard for family because we have to let our loved one learn, sometimes the hard way.
Id like to recommend a book for you. Its called Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change. Its been really helpful to me and given me lot of new insight. We have a book review going on another thread also if u want to read along. Id also check out Smart Recovery/Craft because I think it would help you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You could lead by example and say something like "I'm planning on going to al-anon tonight."
Sometimes less is more. If I say I'm bored to whomever I'm with a simple "Oh" is a fine response. Or "what do you feel like doing?" or "I'm going for a walk (or reading this book or whatever it is you were planning on doing) do you want to join me."
I got very good at short responses. Things like "I see." or "That sounds difficult." or "mmmhmmm" "ya". All those things are fine responses. It took practice. Not everyone that made a comment was requesting me to fix it, my advice or thoughts, or anything but recognition that they were heard.
Be prepared for him to get cranky - that would be a good time to just disengage and do your own thing.
Spend some time re-thinking your boundaries. If they are important to you, plan ahead so that you know the logistics of how you'll play it out when they get trampled. Boundaries seem simple at first glance but I was so shocked that I struggled enormously with them. I prided myself on being a strong independent woman and without knowing it my boundaries had crumbled down to the dirt. I didn't have any and when I did think of one I didn't know how to articulate and honor it.
Sometimes less is more. If I say I'm bored to whomever I'm with a simple "Oh" is a fine response. Or "what do you feel like doing?" or "I'm going for a walk (or reading this book or whatever it is you were planning on doing) do you want to join me."
I got very good at short responses. Things like "I see." or "That sounds difficult." or "mmmhmmm" "ya". All those things are fine responses. It took practice. Not everyone that made a comment was requesting me to fix it, my advice or thoughts, or anything but recognition that they were heard.
Be prepared for him to get cranky - that would be a good time to just disengage and do your own thing.
Spend some time re-thinking your boundaries. If they are important to you, plan ahead so that you know the logistics of how you'll play it out when they get trampled. Boundaries seem simple at first glance but I was so shocked that I struggled enormously with them. I prided myself on being a strong independent woman and without knowing it my boundaries had crumbled down to the dirt. I didn't have any and when I did think of one I didn't know how to articulate and honor it.
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