Shelliszoo

Why are some days so much harder??? Yesterday I was ok, I was coming to terms with what I needed to do and accepting it. Today, I'm a hot mess ... I can't stop crying ... I'm sad, devasted and freaking angry!! These were his choices not mine!! Why do I have to pay so much while he goes and sits at the bar having a great time??? Why do I have to uproot my whole life??? I didn't decide I didn't want family life, I wanted bar life! Today I'm just pissed. I'm even mad at myself for letting a tear drop but I'm in controlling balling. God, why was I ok yesterday but not today??? I wish thi a nightmare would just end. I know, I'm in control of that. But in so many ways I'm not ... I don't want to hurt. Its been 17 days today. Get over it!! Don't cry ... Don't feel hurt. Look ahead to my bright future, Ya, not this morning. Nothing is ok this morning. Nothing ...

Duckygirl1

Oh, my dear girl! I was right there with you last night. I can be going along just dandy, accepting and planning my future, then BAM! Out of nowhere comes the intense anger, resentment, regret etc etc. it's either issues that I have not resolved or my silly habit of forgetting that A's aren't normal and expecting that my xabf has the same cognitive abilities, goals, tools, values and insights that I do. I want him to do things because that's how a normal person would do it, but he can't. Even with the chemicals out of his system he is still living in a bubble where he doesn't have to do anything, but not drink and learn to do what most people do everyday.

This is my mantra and advice to all who are involved with an addict, active or recovering. You do so at your own risk. They can be good, healthy productive people for sure. If the recovery is solid, you have a good chance. However, be warned, their using or sobriety depending where they are will ALWAYS come before anything or anyone in their life. If using the drug will tell them this, if recovering, the program (depending on the program) will tell them this.

So release your anger. Get it out of your system. When your done, plan how you are going to live the rest of your life. Get whatever help and support that you can find. Don't beat yourself up. I always told my kids "life will at times kick your butt. Do t give it any help" (((hugs)))

daydreamer0217

amen ^

GracieLou

Trying to force ourselves not to feel or to get angry at ourselves for feeling is not the answer. The feelings will come and go. You can’t control them anymore than you can the wind and rain. There is no time table so there is no use trying to create one.

This to shall pass but until it does, let yourself feel what you feel. Attempting to keep it in or ignore it will not do you any good and in fact does harm. Facing it all now or a year from now. Either way it is something that has to be felt and lived through to get to the other side.

Everything is going to be okay

atalose

Tears cleanse the soul and move us along in the grieving process. Nothing wrong with crying.

LexieCat

Two ideas.

See if landlord will agree to evict you both for nonpayment of rent--you can ask him if he will rent to you if you make good on the missed payment(s). If he knows what the deal is he may trust you enough to do that.

Second idea. Sue your "roommate" in small claims court for failure to pay his half of the expenses. If you win, you might not have much to collect on, but you could offer to let him off the hook if he moves out. Or you could agree to drop it if he moves out before it gets to court. If he does move out, make sure he is taken off the lease--he should give the landlord a notice to quit.

Those are about the only ways I can think of to get him out of the apartment.

Shelliszoo

Did he ever care? How can he turn his back on me so easily... What was I, another notch in his belt? How did we get here so fast. I don't understand ... We were happy. What happened? Why can't he hear me? When did I become so weak?

Shelliszoo

I dont want to be weak anymore. My God, can i stop whinning ???? I hate who i have become. I text him all the time. Ive become pathetic. Why cant i just stop??? I just want to be strong and stop being like this. THIS IS NOT ME!!! I feel like im watching someone else.

RedDog735

Shell, I understand what you are going through. The intensified anxiety is what kills me the most. If you are anything like me, when you are alone and not preoccupied, you think of him the most and worry, text, etc. I am having a hard time coping with my break up and it's been a little over 30 days. Seems pathetic that I cannot cope after this long but I sadly cannot. I still love him but I do not love his illness. I just have to remember that and all of the BAD things that have happened in our relationship that'll forever be a never ending cycle.

NYCDoglvr

My sponsor used to say this about emotions: "don't feed them, don't fight them, accept them" Feelings just are, they come and go like the tide.

Shelliszoo

They do come and go ... Sometimes the wave just knocks me down.

RedDog735

Don't allow the wave to knock you down, Shell. Eventually you will be strong enough to stand up and allow it to just crash right over you, without feeling a thing

I have faith that you will persevere. Keep reading, keep posting, keep contributing. You've got this.

Shelliszoo

Thank you, yes... I've got this. I was survived just fine before him .... Nothing has changed in that. I don't want to,spend the rest of my life getting hurt. I also want to be healthy and strong. I want live life ... Not let it pass me by.

Butterfly

This is what alcoholics do, they walk away and block everything out with drink. That way they can pretend that the hurt and pain they have caused isn't happening, they don't have to face up to it, I'm not sure they can deal with it so it's easier to not have to. They don't think the way we do their cognitive abilities are impaired due to their addiction. The only thing that matters is their next drink.

My stbxah walked out after 18 years and completely ignores me! It hurts I know that but please know that his behaviour isn't a reflection on you or your self worth but more about him as a person.

Like you I texted my stbxah constantly, I didn't understand how he could walk out. I did this for months wanting answers as I couldn't accept that he would rather drink than be with his wife and kids. The only person this hurt was me, one day he loved me and wanted to come home and was thinking about giving up drink the next he didn't and all he wanted to do was be on his own to drink. I drove myself nuts, still do many times, but I try to not have any contact with him unless it's necesary. Having contact with him just drags me down and makes me feel so bad about myself it's not worth it.

You will get through this but you will have crappy days, I still have them but as I move along my recovery I have realised that my better days are more often and I am feeling stronger. I'm not the crying daily mess I was a year ago. Be gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes, feel your feelings but try not to seek answers as to why or how the A could do this you will drive yourself crazy, I did I thought knowing why he did what he did and how he could do this and treat me this way would ease my pain but it didn't because he still left, he's still an alcoholic and that was his choice.

Many have said to me you can't rationalise the irrational and that is what addiction is irrational.

((((Hugs)))). One day at a time.

SmilingG

Truth be told, I had to check a few times to see if I knew you or if you were dating my XABF also. I cannot believe the parallels.

I woke up this morning and called my best friend and said almost the exact same thing, "how could he do this to me? did he ever really care?"

I cannot describe the pain I have to my friends and family. They just don't get it. They are helpful and wonderful, but they have no idea how truly painful this is. I have been with my XABF for two years. And this is the 3rd, 4th or 5th (I can't even remember at this point) time he has completely shut me out.

We had an incredibly bad fight just under two weeks ago and haven't spoken since. I have been blaming myself everyday for "standing up" to him. If only I hadn't said "this," if only I had waited, if only I had not even met up with him that day. But in reality, it doesn't matter if I had specifically said what I did say or if I had said something as small as, "I don't like this song."

The only strength I do have is that I didn't move in with him last year. There was a voice inside my head that said, "NO WAY!!!!!" and I thank God almost everyday that I actually listened. We aren't married and we don't have kids together. I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for anyone who is living with, married to, or has children with an A.

This is my first time posting, but I have been reading for well over a year now. I am so thankful for this site. Thank you to all that keep posting. For I have been silent, but I have been paying attention. And I pray this time I am finally free, yet I still have to pray because I don't trust myself not to go back to him again.

AliWProk

Welcome, SmilingG!

Shell, I have so been there. I am trying really hard not to obsess over my XAH. It was hard enough to walk away from him, but to see him spiral down as he has, while trying so hard to work on my recovery (CoDe) and protect our young son, I feel waves of urgent emotion at unexpected times. It can be overwhelming. My need to control everything and everyone was driving me bonkers.

I came to SR desperate, like so many before me and since. I did a lot of reading before I ever joined and posted. This place, and Al Anon, have given me so many tools, so much understanding and support. I realized I couldn't recover for him. I couldn't control anyone but myself. I have responsibilities to myself and my son utmost, and so we come first.

As for the XAH, I have had extremely limited contact with him in the last 2 years. I simply cannot trust myself not to get sucked back into the vortex. I will not do it. My peace of mind depends on it. I wish him well, through gritted teeth.

CarmenLove

Hey,

Just to say exactly the same here.

I was asking EXACTLY the same question today - how can he just switch off like our 3 years of marriage meant nothing?

So I get it.

Regarding the waves of emotion and sudden, uncontrollable anxiety and urge to do something - I get that too.

Someone once told me when you get those waves of emotion imagine yourself on the bottom of the ocean, and the waves are coming, however your feet are on the ocean bed and you feel stable, and as the waves come they just wash over you. They move you but don't knock you down, (like you kind of sway with them) and it's OK.

For the anxiety I love Byron Katie - Loving What Is.

Hugs.

Shelliszoo

I'm sure most of you know this but hearing people makes me feel better, not better normal, I guess.
My A finally turn back to the liquor last night. Wow, he was gone. Text me how sad he wss, he wanted to talk etc. Came home and passed out. Good times ... But again, I saw hope!! Are you freaking kidding me??? I just obviously won't learn, there is no hope left. After again, asking him just please go on his way, he text me today and told me he found a place. He was going to go look at it but wanted to make sure this is what I wanted. I said "yes, I can't be with you drunk. I dont trust the addict in you and I don't like him" conversation ended there for me. I of course said, I love you, please stop and go back to rehab. No replays... Yesterday I was ok. Today not much, I had the moment of hope and now starting all over to some degree. I pretend I'm ok. That's about all I have right now is a fake smile and talk about I'm ok. I'm strong, there's the door buddy. I'm dying inside. Heart and head ... Two different things. I'm 46 now, back to square one ... My dreams with him are gone so are my plans. Now what??? Now what do I do??? I wish this loneliness would end. Why did I out myself in This situation? For love ... For love, I risked it all after so long now ... I lost...

freetosmile

No No, girlie---

YOU didn't lose...HE lost YOU!

Don't for ONE SECOND think that YOU have lost here. Yep, you put in some real time and effort into this...but in the end, you have given this person every opportunity to help themselves. It's HIS choice.

Yep, your 46....life doesn't end at 46 and it's NOT too late to start living NOW!

It's NEVER too late. NEVER.

You will be sad, you will be lonely- this is normal grieving (you know that). And you also know that the grief process doesn't last forever. Allow yourself to feel this loss. Don't "fake it" too much. Really allow yourself to work through this and find out what YOUR true motives are in life, relationships, etc.....then you can find out what drives you. What things YOU can work on so that you can be healthy enough to love another person the way they deserve to be loved.

Hugs girlie.

HE LOST!!!!!!! NOT YOU!