Rosiepetal

Hi SR friends
RABF is 2 years & 4 months sober.
Last weekend I had a family dinner out to farwell my daughter who was travelling overseas for sports. It was very enjoyable.
Until....
straight after dinner RABF is all down in the mouth, impatient & getting ratty cause he wants to go home. My mother was trying to decide if she still wanted dessert & I wasn't ready to go. He was saying come on let's go. I reminded him if he wished to go then I could get ride home with my parents (he had given us a ride there) & what was wrong with sitting chatting after a meal. He walked off. Returned. Looked unhappy etc.
Anyway, this is the 3rd time he has done this! All times in front of my parents & children & it was embarrassing. One time he didn't even walk out the same door as me!
Anyway I'm surprised by my reaction to this 3rd outburst.
I feel it is a red flag for me.
I feel that I shouldn't have to jump when he says jump nor put up with this behaviour.
OK the surroundings may be uncomfortable to him given he is an RA but I feel it is very one sided when one person in the relationship is having a nice time but is trying to be forced to leave.
I'm not sure I want this drama in my life anymore.
He sent me a text the next day saying "I apologise for being a disappointment to you".
I don't even think that is an apology is it? Sounds like an apology trying to cast blame back on me?
Anyway just need to get this out, not sure what I'm going to do but I text that I wasn't happy about things & I haven't heard from him since & that was a few days ago.
Any advice from outsiders who may see what I can't.

Tuesday1969

It sounds very embarrassing, and he should have better self control, as an adult.

I just think that an appropriate response would be to say that he is the one in total control about whether people (including you) see him as a disappointment. He made a decision to have a tantrum and needs to take responsibility for it

This means that when he comes back in a few days after he thinks you have forgotten, you must make it clear that you would expect that behaviour from a 3 year old and it's simply not acceptable

theuncertainty

I'm not sure I'm the best one to respond, because I may be liable to see red flags that would've been there with AXH, that may not necessarily be there with your RABF.... I completely feel like the apology wasn't really an apology.

I think offering him the option of leaving early while you caught a ride with family was reasonable. It was _family_, for Pete's sake, and a gathering to farewell your daughter for a major trip.

FeelingGreat

Rosie, his behaviour was very strange and not at all polite. As you had an alternative ride, he could have left early. He wasn't white-knuckling by any chance?

As for the passive-agressive text! My reply would be to point out that he was rude to the other diners, simple as that.

redatlanta

I'm wondering why a dinner would be a problem for him - was there a lot of drinking going on?

My RAH does not have a problem being around people who are drinking......as long as they aren't drunk. Drunk, really buzzed etc. is a no go for him. I have never seen him triggered at a party/dinner but I have seen him triggered at a Bar. He will not attend a party of function at a bar anymore.

For any event that we attend if there is going to be alcohol and its free flowing he and I have an agreement that if he wants to leave then leave. If I want to stay I will and will catch a ride, cab or he will come back to get me if convenient.

Have you discussed with RABH why he is demonstrating this behavior? Maybe he feels weird getting up and leaving. Perhaps you just need to clear the air about it and have a plan in place. I understand you said told him it was fine to leave, but it sounds like he felt that he HAD to stay and wait. Is it possible that he felt your ride might have had too much to drink to drive?

Its a little puzzling.

fluffyflea

His behaviour is childish and his text is manipulative.

Be grateful you don't want that drama in your life........

LexieCat

If everyone was sitting around drinking, he may have felt trapped. I know I always tell the newly sober (or even people with time, who are in an uncomfortable position), if you are too uncomfortable around the drinking, LEAVE. He might be putting himself "out there" even to go, but at some point it starts getting under his skin and he feels the need to get OUT.

I agree with the suggestion that you discuss it with him so he has a way to make a quick and unobtrusive exit if he needs to. Remember, though, it may look worse to others if you don't go with him. Maybe you can work out a compromise where he either stays home or you both agree to leave when he starts feeling uncomfortable. Communication around this sort of thing is important if you both want to avoid resentments.

GracieLou

I know not everyone is in the same place at the same time but I have two years sober and if wanting to leave had to do with other people drinking he could have handled it like an adult recovering alcoholic.

IMO he could have asked to speak to you in private and then simply told you he was getting twitchy and wanted to leave. Since you had a ride home if needed then he had no excuse to act the way he did other than to create discomfort and guilt in others. He felt guilty for wanting to leave, for whatever reason and he tried to place that guilt on you for wanting to stay.

The text was manipulation and passive aggressive.

He wants you to feel sorry for him, to tell him you were not disappointed and to stuff his ego with “its okay, I love you anyway” comments. He is acting like a big baby. He feels guilty for acting like a jerk but instead of owning it, figuring out why he felt that way and dealing with it, he is putting the blame and guilt on your side of the street.

If he simply does not want to go to these occasions or they are hard for him to handle because there is drinking involved then he needs to start acting like a grown man. He needs to state his reasons and then stick to them because it what he needs to do to remain sober. You don’t need an excuse to do that or make other peoples lives miserable in doing so.

Duckygirl1

What GracieLou said!

Is this what you want your relationship to look like? Do you WANT to be continually on guard for embarrassing moments? Never know when the next quacking text is coming or if he'll answer at all? He obviously can't express himself like an adult. You told him how you feel and he goes into silent mode for days? So much for talking it out. Do you have time to wait for him to grow up? Their problems aren't ours until we make it so. So the question is not why is he this way? When will he change? How can you help him? It's why are you settling for crumbs?

Refiner

Sounds very passive-aggressive in that little victim note he sent you. He's had enough sober time to not behave in this way and it's not like he didn't have options. Sounds like you've got a King Baby in the making. I wouldn't be able to put up with it.

FireSprite

My first thought was also to wonder if there was a lot of drinking around the table. My RAH finds these situations very uncomfortable & it tweaks his attitude similar to what you've described. (Even with years sober this is difficult.)

However, in this case you had offered him a perfectly acceptable "out" by reminding him he could leave & you could catch a ride....... and no, that's not an apology. It's passive-aggressive & blame-shifting all rolled into one, IMO.

Does he have issues with your family (since he has only shown this behavior in front of them) or is it the opposite (he so comfortable around him that he doesn't censor himself)?

Rosiepetal

My father (nearly 80) & I had 2 drinks only, no one else was drinking.
I would normally only have 1 but it was Easter & the place was packed & we had to wait a long time for a meal, it was a special occasion so I had 2.

Also the last time I tried to talk about it I got "well I was there wasn't I".
He tries to sweep it under the carpet & not address it.

Not good enough.

lillamy

That's exactly what it is. My interpretation is "I'm not apologizing, not really, I just want you to feel sorry for me and know that it's really all your fault."

YES, if there was drinking going on and he was uncomfortable in the context, I can understand that it might have been hard for him. But then he could leave. The manipulative passive-aggressive pacing around and sighing and attempting to make you feel bad for not doing what he wanted to do? That would not be acceptable for me.

atalose

Rosiepetal,

Sometimes we just outgrow people, even the people we love. We get grow and get healthy and them not so much. It happens.

Don’t get stuck in a relationship that drains you all the time, life is to short.

He may never turn into the guy you wish him to and waiting around to see if that happens can suck the life out of you.

My ex was not comfortable around people for long periods of time, it grew worse and I often ended up going places by myself so I would have a nicer time and not have to worry about him and his moods.

That was not the kind of relationship I wanted but got myself stuck and unsure of how to get out and it wasn’t a pleasant time in my life.

Rosiepetal

Normally we have a great time together when we are alone over a meal.
But even then there is no lingering to chat after dinner is finished.
Its get the bill & get out. Maybe he still seeks security in his own world.

When we go out it is to eat only it seems.

I can't work out why the 3 tantrums he has thrown has always been around my parents, children & family.
And really, if I am to have a fulfilling relationship then that man needs to become a part of that.
He has built a good rapport with all since being sober so I don't see where the problem lies.

LexieCat

What does HE say about why he is in such an all-fired hurry to leave? Is he like that when you're out with friends, too? Is it the social setting, or is it ONLY your family he's uncomfortable hanging around with? Or does it only become an ISSUE with family, because other times you don't mind leaving when he wants to?

I think it's sort of important to figure out whether it's tied to your family or whether that's pretty much how he always is. Either way, you need to decide whether it's something you're willing to tolerate, though I might be more forgiving if it were an issue of social anxiety in general as opposed to being simply inconsiderate of your and your family's feelings.

Rosiepetal

He is not great to talk to about relationship issues.
His theory is what happened yesterday no longer counts today.
But for me when an issue is arising several times then the problem hasn't been addressed.
He seems to only be like that around my family.
We don't socialise at all as don't have many friends but a couple of weeks ago we tried going into a social place for a drink, stayed for 1 only & then left for dinner.
He seemed to handle it. I asked how he felt & he said uncomfortable at times but managed to push through it.
He has emailed me this morning & once again apologised for being a disappointment to me & he's had a bad week with work. I replied that wasn't an apology & he needed to be responsible for his actions & behaviour.
We will need to talk this out but I need to decide if this is want as right now I am tempted to opt out altogether.

Carlotta

Maybe I am overly suspicious but this really raises red flags for me: the leaving abruptly when there was not drinking involved and also the choice of the word disappointment.
It could be passive aggressive but it is more often something that someone who has screwed up yet again will use. That something I would see a guy who ended up drinking and making a fool of himself use.
Exactly, regardless of his motives or whatever else is going on, ultimately it is up to you whether or not you are comfortable with his behavior and can deal with it.

LadyinBC

An apology is an attempt to right a wrong and bring comfort to someone else because of bad behaviour.

This does not sound like an apology to me. More like quaking and shifting blame to someone else because he has to apologize.