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Should I engage on this?

Old 04-07-2015, 10:08 PM
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Should I engage on this?

So, my son told me today that his dad said some things to him that I'm not too pleased about. Son spent last Sunday night overnight with his dad. It was the first and only sleep over since I moved out 2 months ago. I felt that I had to push my XAH to follow the parenting plan but I really wanted to make sure we at least tried to follow the plan.

Anyway, XAH told son, "I feel that your mother is pawning you off on me...." He also kept saying, "You don't have to stay here if you don't want. I can take you home if that's what you want, etc etc"

So, I'm concerned for my son. What message does this send to him. It took him 10 days to tell me about it. Should I engage XAH about this? Probably not even worth it. Son is spending Thursday and Sunday nights coming up with his dad now. I feel guilty that I left him with XAH at all, but I want to make sure we follow the parenting plan and I also want them to maybe have a shot a a relationship of some sort.

Maybe I'm setting my sights too high. My heart hurts for my son and now I'm considering getting him into counseling. I can't imagine how that felt to hear that and I tried to tell son that we are just following the parenting plan and that I wasn't trying to 'get rid of him'.

What are your thoughts, you guys? This is all uncharted territory for me.
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Old 04-07-2015, 10:32 PM
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Liz, if it was me and AXH, I don't think I'd engage with AXH if he pulled that with DS. Though I would definitely sit and talk with DS. The reason being, there is absolutely nothing I could say to AXH to either change his mind if he actually thought I was 'pawning DS off on him' or that would get him to stop saying that s--- to DS. However, I could help DS work through how he felt. And if DS didn't want to talk with me about his dad, maybe a counselor could help him.

It's not my place to _make_ AXH have a relationship with our son. All I can do is facilitate the schedules for the visits as outlined by the visitation schedule, and make sure DS is safe for those visits.

With your XAH, do you think saying something to him would actually help?
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Old 04-08-2015, 03:25 AM
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I'm sorry that your son is being manipulated too. What a craptastic thing to say to your own child that you might just miss?

Another spin is that XH is trying to push your buttons so he can open an argument and attempt to vindicate himself...he does NOT want you to be happy or peaceful, he thrives on controversy, he might feel that he can "win" at some point because he imagines that your son is interfering... Of course you have wild sex with several men as soon as your son steps out the door.

(this was the mindset of my own AXH for a few years, hopefully yours is more rational).
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Old 04-08-2015, 03:44 AM
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I would have a talk with your son about it and if it continues yes I would engage. Probably via email and I doubt I would be nice about it.......

Sounds like STBXAH was looking for a reason to come over to YOUR house.
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Old 04-08-2015, 04:00 AM
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Sounds to me like your XAH just wanted to drink and didn't want his son around. Sounds like he doesn't want to be a parent. Pathetic. I would definitely go there with him. By email. And let him know he can now pay for his therapy sessions due to the psychological damage. What a effing idiot.
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Old 04-08-2015, 05:14 AM
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IME, don't engage with STBXAH, engage with your son.

IF you decide to engage with your STBXAH about this, do it by email so your argument is documented. Write it with the judge in mind.

If it continues, I'd strongly reconsider why you're committed to a visitation plan at all. I always said if DS15's dad stopped coming around, I wouldn't chase him.
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Old 04-08-2015, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
IME, don't engage with STBXAH, engage with your son. IF you decide to engage with your STBXAH about this, do it by email so your argument is documented. Write it with the judge in mind. If it continues, I'd strongly reconsider why you're committed to a visitation plan at all. I always said if DS15's dad stopped coming around, I wouldn't chase him.
Life for my boys became less wrought with stress and disappointment when I followed Florence's advice. It sucks that they do not have the relationship I want, and it sucks not having a coparent and it sucks for my kids but it is a hundred times easier to deal with than when I was trying to make things happen.
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Old 04-08-2015, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Sounds like STBXAH was looking for a reason to come over to YOUR house.
This is what I'm thinking.



What a horrible thing for him to say to your son. So selfish. So not surprised. I agree that some counseling would be a really good idea.
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Old 04-08-2015, 07:34 AM
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What Florence said. I would recommend emailing him about it, and letting him know how it made his son feel. No need to berate, just that it upset him. It may have been cluelessness rather than malice behind it, so you should tell him, but do bear in mind that a judge may read it at some point.
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Old 04-08-2015, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I would have a talk with your son about it and if it continues yes I would engage. Probably via email and I doubt I would be nice about it.......

Sounds like STBXAH was looking for a reason to come over to YOUR house.
We talked about it but I did not ask ds how he felt yet. I just explained that we were following a parenting plan and that, no, I was not pawning him off.

If STBXAH was looking to come by my house, I wouldn't have been home anyway. I was out on a date with a nice guy, not having wild sex and entertaining gentlemen in my home, LOL.

Tomorrow night I have a male friend (yes, friend...nothing more, LOL) coming over to help me set up a new TV. So, if the X wants to do a drive by, he is more than welcome to come on in and help us set up the entertainment and TV, LOL.

And, yes, I am going to look into counseling for ds today. I think he may appreciate a third party to talk to because I don't want him to feel caught in the middle or put in a position where he has to defend me or defend his dad.

I am still debating over whether I want to engage with STBXAH or not regarding this. We're still hammering out one last negotiation for the mediator and I am trying to tread lightly until we get it figured out.
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Old 04-08-2015, 08:02 AM
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Liz, is it possible that the words he chose touched a nerve?

If so, just know that is is MORE THAN OKAY for you to have a night off from being Mom. If you want to go out on a date then you are allowed to do that without having to worry about it being perceived as fobbing your son off. This is your ex's problem, not yours.

I agree with the others that the person you need to address this with is your son. You can't make STBXAH follow the parenting plan or be a decent human being, but you can make sure your son knows that he is a priority to you and nothing anyone says can make that not so.
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Old 04-08-2015, 08:29 AM
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After the custody battle for my boys with my ex I signed up for a website called Our Family Wizard (recommended by lawyers/judges) since my ex was very demeaning and abusive in his text messages to me, even during the custody situation. It has helped tremendously. It allows us to leave messages to each other updating the other on our boys, etc. It documents everything just in case anything were to happen. I can also post medical bills and any other out of pocket costs that insurance does not cover. He can even pay me online through this system so we do not have to exchange anything via our boys. It costs money but to me it was worth it. Any time he sends an inappropriate text or email I write back, "please communicate through the website".
Regarding what your STBXAH said to your son, that was just dirty. It sounds like he is just trying to get back at you through your son.
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Old 04-08-2015, 09:59 AM
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My heart hurts for my son and now I'm considering getting him into counseling.
I think this is good for several reasons. My kids felt "squished" between parents initially -- their dad would say horrible things about me; they didn't want to tell me because a) they didn't want to hurt my feelings and b) they didn't want any more drama. Having a counselor to talk to about that stuff was really, really helpful to them.

I don't think I'd engage the ex at all. I think I'd talk to the boy and tell him that you would love for him to be with you all the time, but that you've been court ordered to send him to his dad's house. And that it's because the court feels it's important for kids to have access to both their parents. Or that you think it's important for him to have a relationship with his father even though you and his father are divorced. Or something.
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