The "guilt" of living your own life
 

Hello all,
I have an alcoholic sibling, who self-medicates for depression and anxiety issues. We are close, and I want that to continue as does he.

Not going to paint a complete picture of him, don't want to write a book and the question pertains mostly to me. I've done a lot of reading and research, have gone to Al-Anon meetings, and have had discussions with professionals regarding having someone with his issues in the family. I'm well aware that I cannot control him, make decisions for him, and that his life is not my responsibility.

Despite knowing these truths, I still find myself sometimes feeling guilty just living my own life and pursuing the things I desire to pursue. I just feel bad for him! I know life doesn't always seem fair, but I just cannot get beyond my sympathetic feelings for him having to deal with some things out of his control, and how they have impacted his life. I haven't been a very big drinker since college, 20 years ago. But now, sometimes feel guilty just going to happy hour where I may have only 1 or 2 drinks. I maybe have 2 drinks a week, on average, sometimes less. I don't really miss it, it's just that there's kind of a sense of guilt around enjoying this, when I've talked with my sibling about their needing to likely stop drinking entirely, as part of recovery.

This feeling of guilt works its way into other areas of life also, in feeling a little guilty getting to pursue fun things that he just cannot, at least at this time(vacations, etc). These aren't overwhelming feelings, that prevent me from doing any of these things or keep me up at night, just thoughts that creep in. I just can't help but think along these lines, despite my knowing that it's not up to me how he lives his life, and that my life is the only thing I can hope to have any control over.

If anyone has experienced similar thoughts, I'd appreciate any advice!

My mother apparently stopped drinking several years ago, but it is the only thing in her life that has changed. She still lives alone in a mostly-empty house, rarely gets off the couch, watches television, and naps her days away. She may be sober, but she never sought recovery.

Other members of my family have turned themselves inside-out in an effort to break her of this sad cycle, to move her closer to family, to make a better life for her, and she has resisted and refused all efforts. I used to call every now and then, but our conversations were so uncomfortable for her she couldn't stand to talk for more than five minutes, and even these bare interactions would leave me feeling sad for days.

Eventually I let her go. She knows how to contact me, if she chooses to. My life is more peaceful now.

She also knows that there are literally hundreds of ways she could change her life. She chooses not to pursue them, much to the chagrin of the rest of the family. Should we all limit ourselves to the same choices, because she does? Why?

Other people have the right to live exactly as they choose. Why would you feel guilty living yours the way you choose? Instead of indulging in useless guilt, be grateful you are not afflicted with addiction, that you have the freedom and means to pursue your interests and pleasures -- so many others do not. Guilt is the difference between what is real and what you wish was real, and it doesn't do you or your brother any good.

I don't know! :) That's the question. As I said, I'm very much aware that he makes his choices, and that I'm not responsible for them. Is it a choice, to assume guilt of this type? Not so sure. I don't really see it that way, I just feel bad for the guy. Maybe it's just a naive notion that life should be more fair.

My sponsor gave me a helpful saying: "feelings aren't facts." Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

I think guilt is one of the rare emotions that works both ways -- usually as a reaction to having done something wrong, but also a chosen response to certain situations beyond our control. I do agree that life should be more, but I choose to accept that it isn't. Sorry, my friend, I know that is small consolation.

I think what you're describing is a form of "survivor's guilt." Why him? Why not you?

Who knows, maybe there is no "why." What I do know is that it's bad enough when tragedy or misfortune strikes one person, and the suffering of the victim isn't eased by someone else's suffering. Your unhappiness doesn't do a thing to alleviate his.

Your life is a gift--enjoy it and appreciate it. Sooner or later you'll have misfortunes of your own--maybe not exactly the same kind, but something that makes you unhappy for a while. Enjoy life when it's good.

Thank you. Yes, perhaps there's no "why", no answer to the question. Survivor's guilt sounds accurate, "why him", when he was such a superstar when he was younger. Such a waste of a talented person. I agree that his situation isn't fixed by me not living my life as I desire. I have compassion for him struggling with things he didn't choose, and just wish he could come along with me for some of the enjoyable things in life. Perhaps down the road!

Thanks for your words. I know these things, but helps to hear them from someone else! Have a great day...