Thought Things Were OK? Confused
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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She's in a group that she meets with every Thursday. She also goes to AA meetings early on in the mornings on the weekends. She has been with this group for the whole six months and she does get a lot from the group.
I did say that I was upset that she goes to the meetings ealy in the morning on the weekends when me and the boys are tying to participate in an activity that we like to do and this was an inconvenience for us, like her drinking always has been.
She was very upset that I said that and she thinks that means me and the kids do not support her in her recovery. I just think that she can go to meetings at any time and doing it for her convenience (she likes to get it done early in the morning so she has the rest of the day to do things) should not take precendence over our convenience.
It was the wrong way to approach the subject on my part, but this whole AA/Recovery process is very self centered (unless of course she can blame me for something or guilt me into feeling bad about MY past mistakes). And to be frank I'm tired of it being so much about her and especially not appreciating what I've had to go through with the three boys. She demands constant feedback and support but certainly does not give it in return.
I don't need sunshine blown up my ass or constant reassurance from her. Hell I don't even need praise or recognition for doing what I do. I just want her to not, about every 6 months or so, decide she's unhappy and that all her unhappiness is based on my actions during the last 17 years together. It's like she was just some scared little kitten coming along for the ride with the big bad wolf and look at all these horrible things I put her through.
Sorry to keep going, I do appreciate everyones advice I will attend the Al-Anon meeting and see how it goes from there.
I did say that I was upset that she goes to the meetings ealy in the morning on the weekends when me and the boys are tying to participate in an activity that we like to do and this was an inconvenience for us, like her drinking always has been.
She was very upset that I said that and she thinks that means me and the kids do not support her in her recovery. I just think that she can go to meetings at any time and doing it for her convenience (she likes to get it done early in the morning so she has the rest of the day to do things) should not take precendence over our convenience.
It was the wrong way to approach the subject on my part, but this whole AA/Recovery process is very self centered (unless of course she can blame me for something or guilt me into feeling bad about MY past mistakes). And to be frank I'm tired of it being so much about her and especially not appreciating what I've had to go through with the three boys. She demands constant feedback and support but certainly does not give it in return.
I don't need sunshine blown up my ass or constant reassurance from her. Hell I don't even need praise or recognition for doing what I do. I just want her to not, about every 6 months or so, decide she's unhappy and that all her unhappiness is based on my actions during the last 17 years together. It's like she was just some scared little kitten coming along for the ride with the big bad wolf and look at all these horrible things I put her through.
Sorry to keep going, I do appreciate everyones advice I will attend the Al-Anon meeting and see how it goes from there.
Recovery IS selfish. It has to be. Fighting addiction is like trying to stem a tidal wave with a surfboard. It might get easier over time, but she will be dealing with this for the rest of her life.
Couples who survive addiction usually do so by BOTH sides working a strong program and each keeping to their own side of the street. For you that might mean managing your expectations and working through some resentments. This stuff is extremely difficult, and the relationship is not going to be repaired or rebuilt overnight.
Couples who survive addiction usually do so by BOTH sides working a strong program and each keeping to their own side of the street. For you that might mean managing your expectations and working through some resentments. This stuff is extremely difficult, and the relationship is not going to be repaired or rebuilt overnight.
Hello,
Your RAW may not have an official mental illness, but if you read through this list, you might identify some striking patterns in how she 'attacks.'
Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders
Secondly, have you studied Karpman Drama Triangles? I found them sickeningly helpful.
http://www.breaking-barriers.co.za/w...a-triangle.pdf
Your RAW may not have an official mental illness, but if you read through this list, you might identify some striking patterns in how she 'attacks.'
Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders
Secondly, have you studied Karpman Drama Triangles? I found them sickeningly helpful.
http://www.breaking-barriers.co.za/w...a-triangle.pdf
Sounds like Red Flag for relapse. Making excuses now....its all your fault.
Quack.
It doesn't matter what you say. It wouldn't matter if you secured the Hope Diamond to commemorate her 200th day. If that's where she is headed that's where she will go.
This is not your fault. I understand that things have been difficult with the move - sh!t happens in life. This is what marriage is you pull together during the tough times and support each other - pointing fingers and laying blame cause infinite problems.
Of course I am POSITIVE her alcoholism didn't contribute any problems for the family. Yep.
Quack.
It doesn't matter what you say. It wouldn't matter if you secured the Hope Diamond to commemorate her 200th day. If that's where she is headed that's where she will go.
This is not your fault. I understand that things have been difficult with the move - sh!t happens in life. This is what marriage is you pull together during the tough times and support each other - pointing fingers and laying blame cause infinite problems.
Of course I am POSITIVE her alcoholism didn't contribute any problems for the family. Yep.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 5
I have three boys, the youngest is 5 and he cannot participate in this particular activity so typically she is at home with the 5 year old while me and the older boys do our thing. I guess I did not like that she can go to a meeting just about anytime during the week or weekend and it was effecting my time with my boys doing something we enjoy. We have just adjusted our schedule so that she can attend meetings, so I guess we made due.
Have you ever heard the term "BUD" in recovery? When people start BUD-ding, they are Building Up to Drink. She might be picking a fight to give herself the space and permission to use again.
Then again, maybe not. Time will tell.
Hit meetings and counseling for yourself. Find ways to do what you want to do regardless of where she is and what she's doing. Stay on your side of the street.
Then again, maybe not. Time will tell.
Hit meetings and counseling for yourself. Find ways to do what you want to do regardless of where she is and what she's doing. Stay on your side of the street.
Some meetings are clique-y. Some are more of a bitch session than a useful tool for recovery. Some are so full of newcomers there's little experience to be shared. Some are so full of oldtimers no one remembers what it's like to be new and scared. Some fall short in any number of other ways.
And some are welcoming, vibrant communities full of folks working together to battle their common problem, places where the members know they can find accurate info, strong support, a shoulder to cry on when needed and a good swift kick in the pants when that's what is needed. (Kind of like SR.)
So I'm just saying that while it may look inconsiderate from the outside for her to go to meetings at inconvenient times when it seems like she could get the same thing on any other day at any other time, that may not be the case.
But that doesn't excuse all the other stuff you said is going on. Not at all.
Yes, she could be setting herself up for a relapse with her resentments, but even though nothing you did CAUSED her to drink, that doesn't mean that there might not be some validity in her feeling like you weren't very attentive. I'm not suggesting for a second that she has any right to blame you for her drinking, just that you might have your own issues in the marriage to address (or not--you don't have to become someone you aren't).
I left my first husband, who was sober for a year before we got married. He was a "good husband" and a "good father". Seriously, by any objective measure he was terrific. He's still terrific and still a good friend of mine.
I did, however, come to feel that I didn't belong in that marriage, and a lot of it did come down to my feeling like I wasn't being heard. I didn't feel like he was especially proud of my achievements at work, or that he paid enough attention to give me a gift I would treasure. Small stuff in the overall scheme of things, and I felt horribly guilty when I realized I didn't want to be married to him anymore. And maybe a lot of it was selfishness on my part (though my alcoholic drinking didn't really take off until after we were apart).
And I don't know that it's something he could have changed. I just know I didn't feel like I was a very important part of his life. Maybe that was romantic BS in my head, but it's how I felt.
I guess what I'm saying is that even if her resentments are hers to own and to deal with, getting sober and staying that way doesn't mean a marriage is going to work if one of the partners is unhappy (and regardless of whether the basis for that unhappiness looks or seems reasonable to anyone else).
I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now--it sounds like she is, too. I hope you're able to work through this and that she stays sober. Maybe you AREN'T the right person for her, or maybe she's not the right person for you. You sound like a really good guy--my first husband was, too. Just know that if she drinks, it won't be because you caused her pain. It will be because she hasn't done the work she needs to do to cope with life and all its difficulties sober.
I left my first husband, who was sober for a year before we got married. He was a "good husband" and a "good father". Seriously, by any objective measure he was terrific. He's still terrific and still a good friend of mine.
I did, however, come to feel that I didn't belong in that marriage, and a lot of it did come down to my feeling like I wasn't being heard. I didn't feel like he was especially proud of my achievements at work, or that he paid enough attention to give me a gift I would treasure. Small stuff in the overall scheme of things, and I felt horribly guilty when I realized I didn't want to be married to him anymore. And maybe a lot of it was selfishness on my part (though my alcoholic drinking didn't really take off until after we were apart).
And I don't know that it's something he could have changed. I just know I didn't feel like I was a very important part of his life. Maybe that was romantic BS in my head, but it's how I felt.
I guess what I'm saying is that even if her resentments are hers to own and to deal with, getting sober and staying that way doesn't mean a marriage is going to work if one of the partners is unhappy (and regardless of whether the basis for that unhappiness looks or seems reasonable to anyone else).
I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now--it sounds like she is, too. I hope you're able to work through this and that she stays sober. Maybe you AREN'T the right person for her, or maybe she's not the right person for you. You sound like a really good guy--my first husband was, too. Just know that if she drinks, it won't be because you caused her pain. It will be because she hasn't done the work she needs to do to cope with life and all its difficulties sober.
Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can't really add anything that anyone else hasn't, but I can relate.
I'm getting better about it, but I still struggle with similar self-doubt when it comes to my marriage.
Maybe I really AM the reason why he drank, and cheated, and why he's unhappy... if I could just "understand" him better, if I was better about expressing my emotions, if I could get the kids to sleep all night in their own beds, if we had more sex...
but the truth is that nothing I do is going to change his behaviors.
They are going to do what they are going to do, no matter how much a**-kissing we do.
Take care of you and your kids.
I can't really add anything that anyone else hasn't, but I can relate.
I'm getting better about it, but I still struggle with similar self-doubt when it comes to my marriage.
Maybe I really AM the reason why he drank, and cheated, and why he's unhappy... if I could just "understand" him better, if I was better about expressing my emotions, if I could get the kids to sleep all night in their own beds, if we had more sex...
but the truth is that nothing I do is going to change his behaviors.
They are going to do what they are going to do, no matter how much a**-kissing we do.
Take care of you and your kids.
I think it's great that you're seeking support here. Recovery is challenging on everyone.
You can't discount the physical and emotional stressors of early recovery. Six months is still early recovery. I was just starting to emerge from the fog at that point.
My husband and I had always been drinking buddies. He's a good father and has always been a good provider. When I stopped drinking a year ago, it brought to light serious concerns in my life and in our relationship. When I first started broaching the subject of my longstanding resentments with him, the conversations took him by surprise.
There are so many toxic behaviors surrounding alcohol abuse. For years I put my needs on the back burner. For years I kept my anger and concerns bottled up inside. When I stopped drinking I did little to nothing with the day to day childcare and household responsibilities. I made my schedule with little regard for the rest of my family. For me, doing so kept my sanity which was hanging by a thread at that point, intact.
You can't discount the physical and emotional stressors of early recovery. Six months is still early recovery. I was just starting to emerge from the fog at that point.
My husband and I had always been drinking buddies. He's a good father and has always been a good provider. When I stopped drinking a year ago, it brought to light serious concerns in my life and in our relationship. When I first started broaching the subject of my longstanding resentments with him, the conversations took him by surprise.
There are so many toxic behaviors surrounding alcohol abuse. For years I put my needs on the back burner. For years I kept my anger and concerns bottled up inside. When I stopped drinking I did little to nothing with the day to day childcare and household responsibilities. I made my schedule with little regard for the rest of my family. For me, doing so kept my sanity which was hanging by a thread at that point, intact.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and before that, was very codependent, had 3 ex addict/alcoholic bf's over a couple of decades.
Yes, recovery is selfish, but part of that means taking responsibility, pulling your weight with family and household, etc.
I'm glad she has meetings that she does get something from, but has she even checked out other meetings that don't take time away early on the weekend mornings? It sounds like you work all week, take care of the boys and when you and they are out of school and work, she takes off to her meetings.
Though it would be nice if an RA can ease back into reality, many of us didn't have that luxury. I went right back to work, paid bills, dealt with the anger of my family (totally justified) as well as their lack of trust. I found support here and wherever I found it. I recently celebrated 8 years in recovery.
It does sound as if she's planning a relapse and is already working on how to blame you for it. If she really wants recovery, she'll find it regardless of what you do. At least that's my experience.
Will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, recovery is selfish, but part of that means taking responsibility, pulling your weight with family and household, etc.
I'm glad she has meetings that she does get something from, but has she even checked out other meetings that don't take time away early on the weekend mornings? It sounds like you work all week, take care of the boys and when you and they are out of school and work, she takes off to her meetings.
Though it would be nice if an RA can ease back into reality, many of us didn't have that luxury. I went right back to work, paid bills, dealt with the anger of my family (totally justified) as well as their lack of trust. I found support here and wherever I found it. I recently celebrated 8 years in recovery.
It does sound as if she's planning a relapse and is already working on how to blame you for it. If she really wants recovery, she'll find it regardless of what you do. At least that's my experience.
Will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Part of living is taking responsibility for your family and life. The A has to learn to live in the normie world, not the other way around. Maybe some of them relapse and never grow up because they just move on to another form of enabling in some of these groups. Telling inherently selfish people to "be selfish" is like telling a fish to swim.
If she doesn't work, she can go to other meetings. I know people who keep full time jobs and go to AA/NA and don't expect their employer to accept "I can't work, I have a meeting", how about a judge "can't make it your honor, I have a meeting" would not fly for a second! Even good rehabs have rules they must follow or get kicked out. Yet the family should just understand some MORE?
She could be at a meeting presided over by Dr. Bob with Bill W as her sponsor and if she wants to drink and shirk her responsibilities for yet more self centered indulgence albeit now in the name of recovery she will. As it is she doesn't seem to be absorbing much whatever meeting it is.
We on the outside live with the addiction waiting for a break in the clouds then we wait out the recovery process. We wait for the relapse and live through that then wait for the next detox. It seems never ending and no matter what using or recovering it's all about them. And if they get clear and leave the family, I well that was best for THEM too. The wife you want does not exist in any real form.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Look at your finances, your living situation. Really see what is in your name, her name and joint. Put some money aside in savings that she can't get to. This sounds harsh. Its not pessimistic or hateful. It's not unloving anymore than building a dam means you hate water. You just have to protect yourself and the boys from an unstable, volatile being.
If she doesn't work, she can go to other meetings. I know people who keep full time jobs and go to AA/NA and don't expect their employer to accept "I can't work, I have a meeting", how about a judge "can't make it your honor, I have a meeting" would not fly for a second! Even good rehabs have rules they must follow or get kicked out. Yet the family should just understand some MORE?
She could be at a meeting presided over by Dr. Bob with Bill W as her sponsor and if she wants to drink and shirk her responsibilities for yet more self centered indulgence albeit now in the name of recovery she will. As it is she doesn't seem to be absorbing much whatever meeting it is.
We on the outside live with the addiction waiting for a break in the clouds then we wait out the recovery process. We wait for the relapse and live through that then wait for the next detox. It seems never ending and no matter what using or recovering it's all about them. And if they get clear and leave the family, I well that was best for THEM too. The wife you want does not exist in any real form.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Look at your finances, your living situation. Really see what is in your name, her name and joint. Put some money aside in savings that she can't get to. This sounds harsh. Its not pessimistic or hateful. It's not unloving anymore than building a dam means you hate water. You just have to protect yourself and the boys from an unstable, volatile being.
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