Wondering about Counselor
 

I'm pretty new to this site, but it has already helped me a lot. Anyway, my AH is now in outpatient treatment. I went last week with him and met his counselor, who admitted he is an ex-addict. No worries, I figure that's good because he can relate.

So Easter Sunday my husb and I go to the grocery store together (a rare occurance) when we ran into the counselor in the parking lot with some of his friends. Quick hello's were said. As I got in the car I turned around and saw the counselor and his group go into the liquor store next to the grocery store.

I have not said anything but it's kinda bugging me. My husb likes him, so I don't want to make it an issue...maybe he wasn't even buying anything, right?

Just wanted someone else's opinion on if I should say anything at the next counseling meeting.

Thanks all.

I wouldn't. In what way could it possibly be any of your concern? He may have been buying cigarettes or a lottery ticket. Or accompanying his friends rather than sitting in the car.

Or maybe he still drinks.

I'm not quite sure why you are attending his outpatient counseling meetings. What are you doing for your own recovery?

Thank you LexieCat, you are right. I suppose I've leaped ahead of myself in the "what ifs". I'm attending the meetings because the counselor wanted to speak with family. We are supposed to have a contract where husb says to me each day that he intends to stay sober for 24 hours. This seems like a lot of pressure on me...

anyhow, in my own recovery I am very very new.

OK, so what are you DOING? Are you going to Al-Anon? That can be a huge help in getting the focus off his program by giving you one of your own.

Do they expect you to meet for these family meetings every week? THAT sounds a bit burdensome. Once a month even sounds like a lot, to me. And yes, I agree that having him pledge to you each day that he will remain sober sounds inappropriate. You can tell him you don't want a daily verbal commitment, you want to see action and results. He can call his counselor or sponsor every day if he needs to be accountable for something like that.

You have a voice in this--use it. You don't have to just meekly go along with what his counselor wants (or what he wants)--his recovery is his business, and the more you stick to your own, the better off you will be.

I have an addiction counsellor and he's helpful. But I never ever say to my partner "He says that I should…." because it doesn't work like that. My addiction counsellor talk things through and I gain clarify each time. But he doesn't dicate action to me.

There are times when I wanted to tell my partner I'd been instructed to do something she doesn't like. But most of the time that's a lie.

And my addiction counsellor and my partner don't meet. Why should they?

I have an addiction counsellor and he's helpful. But I never ever say to my partner "He says that I should…." because it doesn't work like that. My addiction counsellor talk things through and I gain clarify each time. But he doesn't dicate action to me.

There are times when I wanted to tell my partner I'd been instructed to do something she doesn't like. But most of the time that's a lie.

And my addiction counsellor and my partner don't meet. Why should they?

Thank you for your input. Like I said, I'm very new to this. I don't know that it's not the norm for counselors to meet with spouses.... The counselor gave us a paper about "couples-based-therapy". That's where the whole "I'll be sober for 24 hours" thing comes from.

Truth be told, I want to just leave the entire situation.

Oh, wait, it's behavioral couples therapy...I got it wrong.

Personally, I think "couples therapy" is best postponed until after the alcoholic is on solid ground with his or her sobriety. I think it's a mistake for partners to be overly involved in each other's recovery programs. Working on relationship issues can be a distraction from the focus necessary to recover from alcoholism. I say this as someone who's gone through the process with two marriages to alcoholics, and is currently six years sober, myself.

If I were you, I'd check out Al-Anon.

Thank you for putting into words how I feel....that I shouldn't really be involved in his recovery, because, well, it's HIS recovery. I will look into Al-Anon.

Blessings to you.

The only thing that would worry me about this- and trust me don't take worries from me, I am learning too- is that the counselor even said hello in the parking lot. I get a lot of comfort from knowing our docs and therapists respect our privacy. Who knows why he was there- and I know I am in the minority with this- but I would seek out a more professional person for my own counseling. What your A decides to do is out of your hands.

It may be no big deal at all, but file it in the back of your mind. Just because you're new and not an addict doesn't mean your instincts are totally wrong. Not all counselors and therapist are equal. Some at my xabf's rehab are shady as all giddy up. While your husbands recovery is his own, you are not in some bubble not being effected by what he is being exposed to. He's going to track their mud through your door good, bad or indifferent. Many a home is destroyed by bad advice being taken to heart by vulnerable addicts looking for relief. I'd stay calm, but keep one eye open on this one.

It may very well be the norm for you to be involved particularly if your husband's program is a non 12 step program. CRAFT views sobriety as a team approach. I would ask what is the program or philosophy of this outpatient program, what is expected of you and I would even ask the counselor what his qualifications are. Knowledge is power and you are not merely a passenger on this journey.

The Secular Connections for Friends and Family forum here has a lot of threads on the non 12 step approach. The posters there are also nice. I recommend you pop in and ask them questions as well.

The advice I've been given on this forum is very valuable to me. I am going to trust my instincts, knowing that I've been lied to for years. That doesn't change in a week or two. Even if AH says he will remain not drink for the next 24 hours doesn't make it true. Like LexieCat says, I want to see action and results, not just words.

Happybeingme is right. You are not a passive observer. This is your life and marriage too. If the advice is bad you will live with the consequences or be left to pick up the mess. SMART recovery is also a non 12 step approach that involves family. There is no anonymity, no labels, no sponsors and no powerlessness. The addict is not separated into their own subculture where SO's have no place. You have every right to know who this counselor is if you suspect shady biz. They have to adhere to a set of ethical standards just like an MD.