Nine Months Ago
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Nine Months Ago
I found soberrecovery as I reeled from the breakup with my exABF. I think back on that time when I was so lost, consumed by emotion, and confused. It seemed like it was all his fault. It seemed so unfair and another reinforcer that I was not worthy of love, that I was doomed to a life of sadness, that no matter what I did, people would continue to hurt me, take advantage of me, and use me as the victim that I was...
It has taken me nine months- the time it takes to make another human being- to get past the worst of it all. This is not to say that I am completely healthy and better- no, that wouldn't be honest. But I am better than I was because I faced my own issues and over time turned my attention away from what my ex was doing (perceived or real) and focused on my own actions, stinking thinking, and avoidance issues. I found a great group meeting where the other members share my perspective, experiences and feelings. I have learned to acknowledge my own responsibility for what happened. After all, I stayed with someone who didn't make me happy and tried to change his drinking and perspective on the world instead of trying to make myself better- how crazy is that? To try to change and shift another person when all it takes is the trust in yourself and the love of yourself to realize that it isn't worth it.
I am the epitome of a codependent. It was a painful thing to accept. It meant rooting through my past to uncover the sources of my dysfunctional reasoning and decision-making. It meant taking ownership for my pain. After all, I LET my ex do the things he did to me. I STAYED when I could have left. I FOCUSED on him and whined and cried and yelled and screamed- while all the time becoming more and more unhealthy. I engaged in so many things that I do not do now that I am alone. I obsessed over him. And all the while, life was going on all around me. I call this period my "deconstruction era." For, I am no longer the same person I was when I met my ex. Now, I listen to myself (because I now respect and love myself) and do not engage with people who show themselves to be untrustworthy or perhaps they are just people who choose to live their lives in ways that don't work for me. That's ok. That's their choice and I have my own choices. I lost a lot of work, had to move, had to change the way I interacted with my family and even some friends. I had to face my fear of being alone and my fear of rejection. I had to learn to be happy with me... its a tough road, but its much better than continuing to complain and whine about what is happening to me when I have the power to change my own reality...that is the only thing I have control of in my world.
This has also led to a change in the way I deal with others. I no longer allow myself to ruled by emotion, and by whatever nonsense I have told myself I know about the internal workings of another. I am more reasonable and in return, people around me are more reasonable. I suppose what I am saying is that I have learned that if my whole world seems to be upended and everyone appears distrustful or crazy...then it is me that must change. I am so thankful to be finally removed from the heartbreak of my past relationship. It didn't happen over night. But it did happen. And now, looking from the outside, I can't believe that I put him on such a high pedestal when no doubt, I would have fallen through the cracks if I had stayed with him. There was so much that I was sacrificing about myself just so that I could be with someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol. These issues go way way back, but now I am no longer full of anxiety when I think back. I have sad times, reflective times, and think about all the years I wasted in this very sick and dysfunction place. BUT I no longer look at it from a place of what could have been- that is silly because it NEVER COULD HAVE BEEN...it was always going to be just as it was...but NOW it can be different. Here is the biggest kicker of them all- I now realize that I do deserve to be with someone fantastic. I do deserve that because I am a good person with lots to offer. I have spent my entire dating life settling for men that are not quality, because I didn't truly believe I deserved better... and when they rejected me in their own way, I could say that I didn't even deserve them...wow, how very sad to think so low of oneself...gives me the willies to think about how little self respect I actually had and how much hostility, panic, fear, resentment, envy, irrationality, and compulsion was in the place of a healthy self-image. Do the work. Keep doing the work. Don't sit too long in self-pity. Take the position action. Do the hard thing. You are worth it.
It has taken me nine months- the time it takes to make another human being- to get past the worst of it all. This is not to say that I am completely healthy and better- no, that wouldn't be honest. But I am better than I was because I faced my own issues and over time turned my attention away from what my ex was doing (perceived or real) and focused on my own actions, stinking thinking, and avoidance issues. I found a great group meeting where the other members share my perspective, experiences and feelings. I have learned to acknowledge my own responsibility for what happened. After all, I stayed with someone who didn't make me happy and tried to change his drinking and perspective on the world instead of trying to make myself better- how crazy is that? To try to change and shift another person when all it takes is the trust in yourself and the love of yourself to realize that it isn't worth it.
I am the epitome of a codependent. It was a painful thing to accept. It meant rooting through my past to uncover the sources of my dysfunctional reasoning and decision-making. It meant taking ownership for my pain. After all, I LET my ex do the things he did to me. I STAYED when I could have left. I FOCUSED on him and whined and cried and yelled and screamed- while all the time becoming more and more unhealthy. I engaged in so many things that I do not do now that I am alone. I obsessed over him. And all the while, life was going on all around me. I call this period my "deconstruction era." For, I am no longer the same person I was when I met my ex. Now, I listen to myself (because I now respect and love myself) and do not engage with people who show themselves to be untrustworthy or perhaps they are just people who choose to live their lives in ways that don't work for me. That's ok. That's their choice and I have my own choices. I lost a lot of work, had to move, had to change the way I interacted with my family and even some friends. I had to face my fear of being alone and my fear of rejection. I had to learn to be happy with me... its a tough road, but its much better than continuing to complain and whine about what is happening to me when I have the power to change my own reality...that is the only thing I have control of in my world.
This has also led to a change in the way I deal with others. I no longer allow myself to ruled by emotion, and by whatever nonsense I have told myself I know about the internal workings of another. I am more reasonable and in return, people around me are more reasonable. I suppose what I am saying is that I have learned that if my whole world seems to be upended and everyone appears distrustful or crazy...then it is me that must change. I am so thankful to be finally removed from the heartbreak of my past relationship. It didn't happen over night. But it did happen. And now, looking from the outside, I can't believe that I put him on such a high pedestal when no doubt, I would have fallen through the cracks if I had stayed with him. There was so much that I was sacrificing about myself just so that I could be with someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol. These issues go way way back, but now I am no longer full of anxiety when I think back. I have sad times, reflective times, and think about all the years I wasted in this very sick and dysfunction place. BUT I no longer look at it from a place of what could have been- that is silly because it NEVER COULD HAVE BEEN...it was always going to be just as it was...but NOW it can be different. Here is the biggest kicker of them all- I now realize that I do deserve to be with someone fantastic. I do deserve that because I am a good person with lots to offer. I have spent my entire dating life settling for men that are not quality, because I didn't truly believe I deserved better... and when they rejected me in their own way, I could say that I didn't even deserve them...wow, how very sad to think so low of oneself...gives me the willies to think about how little self respect I actually had and how much hostility, panic, fear, resentment, envy, irrationality, and compulsion was in the place of a healthy self-image. Do the work. Keep doing the work. Don't sit too long in self-pity. Take the position action. Do the hard thing. You are worth it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Wow. Nine months and you really sound like you have been reborn!
I keep reading your post wanting to quote the best, most amazing parts, but I realize it's the whole post. What insights, what hard work you've done, what great results! I hope you are proud of yourself and celebrating your achievements -- because those are some hard, hard things to work through.
I am so very happy for you. So happy.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
You've come so far! It makes me smile! One day you'll look back without an ounce of pain in your heart, and you'll be thankful for this stretch in your journey through life. All things work together to allow healing as long as we're willing to do the hard work. Congratulations on your self-discovery and growth. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Timeiskey 
BUT I no longer look at it from a place of what could have been- that is silly because it NEVER COULD HAVE BEEN...it was always going to be just as it was...but NOW it can be different.
I'd like to join everyone else who's congratulated you on the hard work you've done and the fantastic growth you've experienced as a result of that. Really phenomenal, Timeiskey! Thanks for taking the time and effort to write out your beautiful post.
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