amberly

I have had the best support here and the best advice. But I still can't think straight. My AH comes back to town in a day and a half. He is going to a sober living facility. My brain and my heart are telling me this is a sick relationship that needs to come to an end. But I keep making excuses and drawing it out.

I wish he would be the jerk I know he can be. It would make it so much easier. I never thought I would wish he would pick one of his stupid freakin fights.

Why am I so adverse to letting myself be at peace?

Why, now that I have found people who have been there and really seem to care, am I back pedalling? I am so frustrated with myself. I used to be strong and self sufficient and healthy. I am so angry because I want that me again. But I am doing everything to sabatage myself.

LexieCat

You don't have to make any ultimate decisions just now. He's going to a sober living facility. See what happens. You're safe for now. More will be revealed.

I know it's hard to be patient, but things will become clearer IF you keep the focus on your own recovery. If you do that, you will be the best possible amberly when the time comes that you DO need to make the next decision. And whatever the ultimate outcome for your relationship, that will put YOU in the best position to make good choices for yourself and your future.

lillamy

Well, I can't tell you about YOU, but I can tell you about ME.

When I was married to an A, I often felt like I needed some kind of behavior from him that was so atrocious that anyone and everyone in the world would agree that obviously, when he did that, I couldn't possibly stay with him anymore.

The thing with that is -- that nobody else has to live your life, so nobody else has a right to tell you whether his behavior is "bad enough" for you to leave. Only you can decide that; only you have the right to decide that.

The other thing is -- when you're in a relationship with an A, you've usually already moved your boundaries so many times and compromised so many times that you're already accepting behaviors that are utterly unacceptable.

You don't need him to do a thing to make it OK for you to leave. You just have to decide that you want to -- if that's what you want.

LadyinBC

Do you see in some ways how this correlates to the alcoholic? This so sounds like the relationship I had with alcohol. Wanting to be me again but sabotaging myself over and over again.

Also this: I loved my alcohol, and I made tons of excuses not to give it up.

Just like I had to, you have to decide when you have had enough and don't want to draw it out any longer.

I truly believe that everyone eventually does what is best for them. They have to take the journey to get there and everyone goes at their own speed and gets there in their own time. Hope this makes sense.

maybear

Hi amberly
Could it be fear that's keeping you there? Fear of being alone, fear of the relationship ending and what that entails?
I've noticed sometimes guilt comes into it as well but the guilt is also coming out of fear...
I am trying to tackle my fears head on at the moment, lots of challenging my thinking, ideas and beliefs. Most of them are irrational or incorrect. I notice when I do this, I start to lose some of my fear. That, and working on my self esteem which seems harder but I know that it inhibits good decision making.

Hawkeye13

I think lots of us get addicted to the drama, oddly enough.

There is a void when nobody engages you in that way
which is why we have to work on our own recovery.

I tried to recreate the conflict with my alcoholic mother in many relationships.
Peace just didn't feel right at first. . .

redatlanta

Change is hard.

Also by the time sober spouses or partners in relationships hit their rock bottom they have isolated themselves to the point that the addict is the only person actively in their lives. Sometimes the thought of that person being gone is just too much - its the only person left.

But its a skewed perspective because old friends and family members are still there its just a matter of engaging with them.

healthyagain

What redatlanta says, I for example isolated myself so much that it sometimes seems easier to stay with him than to face the reality. But once the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of accepting reality, you do not want your alcoholic to deceive you anymore, to be nice and pull the wool over your eyes. And when my AH is nice, there is no need to act. I made some steps because he was a jerk, and what helps is telling myself that even when he is nice, there is still that little jerk in him.

AliWProk

When I got back in touch with some friends after the divorce, almost all of them said something about me being free again. "oh, you're finally free!" Ain't that the truth!

Not one person wondered what was up. They all knew. And they patiently waited for me to free myself. Since then we've all been very open talking our FOO, addiction, recovery and what we want from life. It's shown me that, even among my closest friends, there were secrets eroding their lives, too, and we all hid it from each other. Or so we thought!

I certainly feel less alone, and I am comforted that so many understand. Your recovery is the key. It's all about you!

fluffyflea

I can relate, I can't seem to get the energy or gumption together to leave my relationship.

And talk about adjusting boundaries so many times, it's amazing how many times I've adjusted my boundaries and the behaviours I've ended up accepting.

It truly is up to us to decide when we've had enough.

theuncertainty

Hi, Amberly. Like Lillamy, I kept waiting for AXH to do something to make ending our relationship easier... I kept moving that line, though. The one that comes to mind was, "I wish he'd just cheat, so I could leave." Well, I found out that he cheated. A lot. For a very long time. I still wasn't ready to let go.

I know I've posted here at SR before that the final moment was when he came back from rehab still thinking he didn't have a problem. That wasn't really the true turning point, though. It helped me reach the point, but it wasn't the change. The change was in the realization that I didn't want to deal with it anymore. And. I. Didn't. Have. To.

I don't know what will help your thought process switch gears, but you'll get there, I know you will.

amberly

I don't think I am afraid. I put my career first when I was younger and lived and moved on my own until my mid thirties. I am ok with living alone and doing things on my own. I just don't want to give up too soon. I really just realized the extent of these problems about 8 weeks ago. And I am already thinking about tossing out a decade long relationship. I'm sure I will feel lonely sometimes. But heck I was feeling that way with AH. No intelligent conversation but my dogs at the end of the day? No change. Nobody to care about how my day was? No change. No second income? Nope that would be the same as the last few years too. No sex? No comment- but seriously no change.

amberly

Yes yes and yes!