Self esteem
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say my self esteem really improved when I started to help others. Even in simple ways. When I would see that pay off, it really made me realize that I am worth more than I thought. And through counseling, I would say that is a big part too.
It's always a work in progress, and that is absolutely ok!
It's always a work in progress, and that is absolutely ok!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Counseling. Lots of it. I went weekly for over two years, which helped me figure out a lot of my family of origin baggage and how the scripts and narratives I had used to describe myself and my life were wrong, and how to rewrite that story.
I also started picking up my old hobbies and pursuing my old talents. I am an avid knitter, just learned to crochet, and picked up biking. Biking is a social activity, and I have met dozens of new people doing it, have lots of cool, non-boozy events to attend thanks to it, and even met my new beau through the hobby. I taught myself to cook, and I'm actually really good at it. I had to give myself new opportunities, new ways to succeed, methods to keep learning and putting myself out there so I could have some victories that were all my own.
I threw myself into my kids and did everything I could to make sure their needs were being met and that their emotional needs were tended to. It took a long time with my teenager, but we have a great relationship today. This is one of the most important things to me. If they aren't okay after all this, I don't know how to live. Time will tell.
I learned not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) myself to people who aren't capable of reaching a negotiation or resolution. I learned that not everything needs an immediate response or solution ("...just stand there and do nothing!"), and I learned to stay in "my hula hoop" and "clean up my side of the street" and worry less about what other people think about me and my decisions ("what other people think about me is none of my business"). All of these sayings are maxims I live every day. They were invaluable to me.
I also started picking up my old hobbies and pursuing my old talents. I am an avid knitter, just learned to crochet, and picked up biking. Biking is a social activity, and I have met dozens of new people doing it, have lots of cool, non-boozy events to attend thanks to it, and even met my new beau through the hobby. I taught myself to cook, and I'm actually really good at it. I had to give myself new opportunities, new ways to succeed, methods to keep learning and putting myself out there so I could have some victories that were all my own.
I threw myself into my kids and did everything I could to make sure their needs were being met and that their emotional needs were tended to. It took a long time with my teenager, but we have a great relationship today. This is one of the most important things to me. If they aren't okay after all this, I don't know how to live. Time will tell.
I learned not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) myself to people who aren't capable of reaching a negotiation or resolution. I learned that not everything needs an immediate response or solution ("...just stand there and do nothing!"), and I learned to stay in "my hula hoop" and "clean up my side of the street" and worry less about what other people think about me and my decisions ("what other people think about me is none of my business"). All of these sayings are maxims I live every day. They were invaluable to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
I am with Sparkle and Mid- time and taking care of myself in a respectful manner. Sometimes it feels like a "fake it till you make it" situation where I show myself respect and I begin to believe in it. Tending to self care is a big one- proper diet, appropriate sleep schedule, exercise, meditation, and moderation in all things. Not accepting inappropriate treatment and doing so with respect, and another big one is learning to operate from a place of reason rather than emotion. I think you have to find your path, but that support and guidance are also important.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by maybear 
So tell me, what helped build your self esteem up?
Was it certain activities, hobbies, reading particular books?
I am curious and ready to work on my own self esteem.
I know that after I make certain decisions, sometimes I doubt myself after a while or feel fearful.
Was it certain activities, hobbies, reading particular books?
I am curious and ready to work on my own self esteem.
I know that after I make certain decisions, sometimes I doubt myself after a while or feel fearful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 343
Even before I started drinking I had a rather skewed idea of what it meant to have self-esteem. At the time I was young, attractive, and able to do a lot of things quite well. The endorphine-fueled rush I felt when I succeeded or when I looked good was as much a drug for me as any drink I would take. Of course, I would eventually crash and burn. (Note: This is not the same as mood cycles associated with bipolar disorder.) This pattern persisted into my drinking years, although the highs were fewer and the lows were lower. The impact of a mood-altering drug cannot be ignored, of course, but that is an over-simplification, I think. My emotions were externally driven. There was some leveling out as I remained sober, but I noticed that my feelings of self-worth were still capricious. I finally had to take ownership of the monster: Ego. Whether I felt (too) good about me, or when I was drowning in self-loathing (as when Icarus flew too close to the sun), there was a great big ME at the center of it all. Either I was going to conquer the world, or I believed I was solely responsible for all locusts, plagues, and natural disasters. Neither was valid, of course, but I certainly overstated my significance in either scenario.
The truth was somewhere in between. To borrow from others who have addressed this topic before me, I had to become "right-sized." It means not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less. Yes, I try to do estimable things, but my self-worth is not contingent upon that. Rather, I suggest that what I do--helping others, being generous, etc--is a manifestation of healthy self-esteem.
Do I struggle still? Believe it! But at least I can step back from a situation and assess my size. Serendipitously, I have found the more at-one I am with myself, the more likely I am to see others as my equals. Sure, some are smarter, some are less so, etc., but if I can look beyond those earthly trappings and see our collective spirit, I can treat them with respect.
That might be another topic for another thread....
The truth was somewhere in between. To borrow from others who have addressed this topic before me, I had to become "right-sized." It means not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less. Yes, I try to do estimable things, but my self-worth is not contingent upon that. Rather, I suggest that what I do--helping others, being generous, etc--is a manifestation of healthy self-esteem.
Do I struggle still? Believe it! But at least I can step back from a situation and assess my size. Serendipitously, I have found the more at-one I am with myself, the more likely I am to see others as my equals. Sure, some are smarter, some are less so, etc., but if I can look beyond those earthly trappings and see our collective spirit, I can treat them with respect.
That might be another topic for another thread....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 12
Running, for as long as I can.
Exercising.
Reading books of theological/philosophical nature to reinforce my belief that we are grounded in a Supreme Lover.
My family has neglected me, actually it's much more that I have neglected them because I'm a lonely, sneaky alcoholic. Once I get this show on the road, just reconnecting with my family will surely help my self-esteem.
Exercising.
Reading books of theological/philosophical nature to reinforce my belief that we are grounded in a Supreme Lover.
My family has neglected me, actually it's much more that I have neglected them because I'm a lonely, sneaky alcoholic. Once I get this show on the road, just reconnecting with my family will surely help my self-esteem.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
When I was in daytox one of the counsellors had me start a journal. Everyday I had to write down 4 things:
My Blessing: I'm blessed to have a job.
My Accomplishment: I sorted out half my stuff.
My Goal: I'm going to have a great christmas with my granddaguther!
I am: a good grandmother
I put in examples so that you get the general idea. Your goal can be anything that you want to accomplish the next day. From something you want to do to how you feel about yourself. And then the next day that will be what you accomplished if you met that goal. The I am has to something positive about yourself.
You start out small and before you know it you have pages and pages of positives and it does give your self-esteem a bit of a boost. Even if the goals are small they are baby steps to something bigger. The whole idea is to focus on our positives and not the negatives.
My Blessing: I'm blessed to have a job.
My Accomplishment: I sorted out half my stuff.
My Goal: I'm going to have a great christmas with my granddaguther!
I am: a good grandmother
I put in examples so that you get the general idea. Your goal can be anything that you want to accomplish the next day. From something you want to do to how you feel about yourself. And then the next day that will be what you accomplished if you met that goal. The I am has to something positive about yourself.
You start out small and before you know it you have pages and pages of positives and it does give your self-esteem a bit of a boost. Even if the goals are small they are baby steps to something bigger. The whole idea is to focus on our positives and not the negatives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Working my way out of my marriage to a severely depressed man who nearly killed us both in 2011 was about self-esteem.
Other than counselling and a lot of talking to friends, I founds books to be great. One that especially helped me was "Your way to real self-esteem". It is written by a scandinavian woman who seems to have an upbringing with A's and what not and there were some really helpful exercises in it. Actually I carried it around in my bag for a while, so I could take it out and read it when waiting for the bus - I think I must have read it 15 times over 2 years!!
Also, someone encouraged me to treat myself like I would want to be treated by my perfect mother - that was an eye-opener for me as well. I had to define what "the perfect mother" was for me and that gave me a lot of insight....
Hugs and thoughts
Mette
Other than counselling and a lot of talking to friends, I founds books to be great. One that especially helped me was "Your way to real self-esteem". It is written by a scandinavian woman who seems to have an upbringing with A's and what not and there were some really helpful exercises in it. Actually I carried it around in my bag for a while, so I could take it out and read it when waiting for the bus - I think I must have read it 15 times over 2 years!!
Also, someone encouraged me to treat myself like I would want to be treated by my perfect mother - that was an eye-opener for me as well. I had to define what "the perfect mother" was for me and that gave me a lot of insight....
Hugs and thoughts
Mette
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Well one thing I did on Easter weekend was get on a plane and fly 1800 miles to see my son for the weekend leaving the S.O at home. 😄😄😄😄😄😄
Originally Posted by maybear
So tell me, what helped build your self esteem up?
Was it certain activities, hobbies, reading particular books?
I am curious and ready to work on my own self esteem.
I know that after I make certain decisions, sometimes I doubt myself after a while or feel fearful.
Was it certain activities, hobbies, reading particular books?
I am curious and ready to work on my own self esteem.
I know that after I make certain decisions, sometimes I doubt myself after a while or feel fearful.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
