pinkpeony

Ugh. I don't know what to do and I'm VERY worried.

My 23yo daughter just called me a bit ago hysterically crying.
She lives in Indianapolis with her boyfriend.

Apparently boyfriend doesn't drink often but when he does, he loses it.
When he drinks. he wants to fight, anyone, everytime.

The KY Wildcats are playing in the Final Four tonight there in Indy,
so they planned to go out downtown, have a couple drinks and watch the game, be part of all of it going on there....

Well, he started chugging vodka straight in the car before they even got downtown, then continued to drink in the bars.

He's being extremely verbally abusive to her and he took off and abandoned her in downtown Indianapolis. After he publicly humiliated her in the bar.
She walked home in her heels, hysterically crying.

I made her promise that she would get in her car and leave if he started in on her again. I made her promise not to engage in anything verbally with him.
My brother lives in Indy, she can stay there for the night if she needs to.

But God, I feel sooooo helpless. She is a total sweetheart and a total people pleaser. Which isn't good in the situation.
She's 5'4" and petite and he's an ex-college football player, over 6ft tall and over 200lbs. Drunk off his ass, angry at the world and her and being abusive to her.

I HATE this. I don't know what to do other than pray.
God, this SUCKS. I am sooooooo worried for her, I want to vomit.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, pink, that's gotta be very scary for you (not to mention for her!).

Are you going to encourage her to contact the DV hotline? Will you share with her what you've learned?

Hugs,

searching peace

Could you call your brother and have him go over there and pick her up and insist she stay with him until bf cools off in the morning?

FeelingGreat

Hi PP, when you make your move, you're going to be a real example to her on not putting up with abuse. Hope she's OK this morning, and thinks very hard about the relationship. Even once in a while is not good enough.

Latte

In my area you can call the cops to do a Welfare Check. I see them come across the police blotter all the time. He goes to jail-the cops give her the name of a DV shelter or she goes to your brothers place until the BF can get bail money (here you can't bail out over the weekend for DV stuff). She will get the chance to GTFO. If she takes it good-if not, don't give up. Eventually she will.

searching peace

Could you call your brother and have him go over there and pick her up and insist she stay with him until bf cools off in the morning?

pinkpeony

Well, just heard from her, he's mad at her for calling me and telling me, of course.
He was on the phone with his mom when she finally got home, she said his mom was talking him down, and that he was now acting as if he was normal.
She said she was going to bed. I told her again to not engage in anything with him if he starts up again. I told her to sleep in warm clothes, keep her sneakers next to the bed and her car keys within her reach and if ANYTHING started up again, to just get up and leave without saying anything.

Sheesh. I hate this so much. She had left home by the time AH started getting mean/abusive when he drank, so she's not seen this from an alcoholic except from this guy.

I do worry about her so much because she is a big time people pleaser and will do anything to make the other person happy. She would never want to make trouble for
another person (like call the police or anything like that unless she was literally being murdered) makes me so worried.

Will be having a long talk with her tomorrow sometime when she can call when he isn't around........

Mama bear is NOT happy. At all.

pinkpeony

Of course, I will totally share with her, I've actually been open with all of my girls about these kinds of things.
I've talked to them so many times about NOT getting into a relationship with alcoholics/addicts/abusers or anyone who looks like they may be heading that way. I've begged them all not to make the same mistakes I made, and I've been open about the bad choices I made and why.
They all have pretty good heads on their shoulders, thankfully. But this is a new experience for her for sure!

I think this is the first time he's really been abusive and fighting with her, the other times, he's gotten into bar fights, ect with others.....
I think she's pretty shocked and shaken up.
She was saying she wanted to come back home. However I'm sure she will give him another chance as we all know that's how these things usually go......
She won't call the police on him unless absolutely a dire emergency because he's right in the middle of a court case trying to get visitation of his 5yo daughter from another girl
and she wouldn't do anything to give him a police record right now.

I will for sure talk to her about the DV hotline when I talk to her tomorrow!
I've never met him, but from things she's said, he does seem to have a bit of a control problem with her, and I've worried about that
but now this is all so, so worrying!

Refiner

I was downtown enjoying the March madness too, Pink. I can just imagine as ppl were getting tanked and were pretty charged up, regardless. I'm sorry your daughter had to deal with that and hope she finds a safe place away from that abusive relationship soon.

Duckygirl1

The town where I live goes to hades on St. Patrick's day. The number of fights from pub to pub is mind boggling. It kills me to see young girls either plastered or the obvious victims of some drunk bully-boyfriend. I know that not everyone has a drinking problem, but for the life of me I don't see the point of keeping such a dangerous product so easily accessible.

hopeful4

Good grief. I am so sorry Pink. What a mess for your poor daughter.

Sorry to say, it sure does not sound like he needs custody of a child. Yikes.

pinkpeony

I know. The last thing I want for one of my daughters is for them to get into a relationship like mine, though I know the statistics say there is a high chance of it happening.

Her boyfriend is trying to get visitation established. The child is 5yo now but the mother took off when she had the baby and couldn't be found....
Anyhow, boyfriend needs to not be off limits to alcohol totally!

LexieCat

One of the things you might discuss with her is her concern about "messing up" his court case. She shouldn't be making him look more stable, or safer, than she is. Suppose the GAL or whoever is doing the investigation asks her questions about him? Will she be honest? Or will she lie and say he doesn't drink and doesn't have any emotional problems that could affect the child's safety?

I know she's an adult and you can't live her life for her, but those are the kinds of questions I'd be encouraging her to think about.

dandylion

OH, Pink, I know what a worry this is. Good that you will talk to her.

Warn her not to get pregnant and not to get married.

dandylion