healthyagain

So, I decided to stay low and not make waves. I started being nice, not slimily nice, but "normal." I thought, "Let's see how long it is going to take him to explode again." I told him that I would make some special meal for Easter, so we got some stuff. And yesterday, we ate together outside. According to my estimate, it will take me 3-4 months to make the big step and move out, and I only wanted to lower tensions. And it is easier to plan when there is no yelling around.

Well, the ceasefire lasted a biiiit over 24 hours. Something horrible must have happened (do not ask me what), that made him go into his ranting mode and straight to the bedroom cussing and banging around.

I did not engage, am not upset, but not even 24 hours of decency. But he will get his ham tomorrow. No problem.

I do hope that this Easter is going to be peaceful and wish you all a very happy Easter.

pinkpeony

Peace to you too!
The holidays always seem to provoke unpleasantness in alcoholics/addicts

FeelingGreat

Hi HA, he really has anger problems doesn't he. So glad you've stopped walking on eggshells, and are quietly making plans.
Have a happy Easter and enjoy your ham. My roast is in the oven.

searching peace

Did you ever see the movie "something to talk about" ? It has Julia Roberts. Anyway she purposely poisons her cheating husband when making a "special meal" for him. Not to kill him, just made him very sick to his stomach. That is what I thought of with your husbands Easter ham!

Refiner

Oh gosh how maddening! I'm so sorry you have to deal with King Baby for another 3-4 months. Happy EASTER!

puffy

Nobody know what sets them off. I deal with that "ranting" you describe. I try to ignore him but he gets mad if I ignore his rants. So exhausting. Wishing you a quiet Easter. Stay out of the line of fire. Oh, and good work on the plans and your calm state of mind.

healthyagain

Well, thank you all! This night was horrible. Was waking up every two hours cos he was ranting and banging really bad. It is strange that neighbours did not get involved because he has never been this bad.

At first he just got pissy, but then our internet connection was down. And this made him ballistic. He could not stay up and watch his movies.

I did not engage. He will probably just sleep all day long, and that's what I really hope for.

I must stay focused, bud God is my witness I tried ceasefire. So nothing I do makes any difference.

searching peace

Didn't cause it!
Can't cure it!
Can't control it!

huntingtontx

Not your monkey, not your circus.
You are doing great in not engaging. Sometimes life is hard. You are in my prayers. Hope you have a quiet day.

LexieCat

Au contraire. YOU weren't in the middle of it, trying to calm him down or make him feel better. Your sleep was disturbed (which sucks), but you didn't engage, which kept you out of the line of fire.

You can't control it or cure it, but sometimes you can stay the hell out of it.

Good going, and I also wish you a quiet, peaceful day (and maybe a nap--sounds like you could use it!)

fluffyflea

Good that you didn't engage.

Unfortunately it's probably because it were pleasent that it set him off worse.

healthyagain

Thank you! I am not disturbed even one bit. Just dead tired.

Took my dog for a long walk and we had a great time. I'm goimg to eat something and hopefully get some energy.

I was just imagining in my head how great it would be to take a couple of lids and bang them above AH head, like in cartoons, Bugs Bunny style. But so happy I did not engage. He'll probably sleep till 15:00. So gotta use my day.

I never met any of you, but I love you all and am thankful for the sanity your words bring.

dandylion

healthyagain....I don't know if he does the banging thing, often.....but--have you thought of this?

Could you get hold of some really good earphones---like the ones used in recording studios?
They literally obliterate all outside noises. You could order some used ones over the internet--or, get them off of e-bay.
Also listening to "white noise" through earplugs....nature sounds are great....rain on a tin roof/sounds of the ocean/sounds of dawn in the rain forest.....
(you could tell him you are listening to self improvement tapes)...lol!

dandylion

healthyagain

Oh, I do that. I listen to music often and do not hear a damn thing. But this was happening at 12:30, then 2, and 4:30, and I was startled. He generally does not rant longer than an hour. And I so wanted to sleep. But I like the white noise idea, never occurred to me. I actually have some apps, binaural beats and nature sounds.

And what happened last night was totally unprovoked. He must be really really unhappy and angry with the whole world.

But white noise, I'll definitely try that one. Neighbors would probably benefit from it too, because there is no way noone heard him last night. And I learned something from my pup last night too. He was totally silent, not even one little bark or whine.

Refiner

I was thinking the same thing... Really good earphones and a lock on a bedroom door is in order, Geesh!

healthyagain

Well, I tried out my "general sleep introduction" binaurals and had a nice nap. Thanks dandylion for reminding me of headphones! I am the one who sleeps in the living room and it does not have any locks. Having coffee now and trying to get back to work. The ham is off the menu today apparently, but there is no yelling and screaming and tomorrow is sweet Monday.

PHIZ007

I could have written this post today too.

That damn alcoholic raging! It sucks!

I too did not engage.....after an hour he ran out of steam....

But it sucks!

I feel ok, last Easter I was by my dying mums bedside 24/7.,,. The children told me Easter wasn't great last year because I had to be away from them.

Today we had a lovely day, my Dad came over , we took flowers to my mums grave and we had a lovely family day together.

Everyone had a good day....dad went home kids to bed. I enjoyed the evening.....till my AH started ranting at me to me about my family bladey bladey blah...heard it ALL before a million times.

I DID not engage....it sucks But because I did not engage I am ok ) ...and am moving slowly forward xxxx

ladyscribbler

I was reading through my old journals from 2011-13 (when I was still with my ex) what struck me was the level of sleep deprivation I experienced. So many entries started with "X woke me up at 1 a.m. and again at 4 a.m." or "X kept me up all night raging."
When I was in Iraq, our office was next to the 35M office (HUMINT- short for Human Intelligence, also called Interrogators, in popular parlance). One of the techniques they used on prisoners was sleep deprivation. When the interrogator stays awake and keeps the same sleep (deprivation) cycle as the prisoner, that is called "monstering."
This is a form of abuse. A very serious one. I'm glad you're making plans to get away from him.
Try to work on ways to keep from blowing up in the interim. Saying the Serenity Prayer, meditation, whatever works for you. I'm rooting for you. Reading those old journals has dragged up a lot of those old emotions- lots of anger, but other things as well. Take care and keep posting. You are strong. You can do this.

healthyagain

It took me years to realize: with him, it is not alcoholism, it is ABUSE. Today we had a very brief conversation, and you know what he says: "You are so cold to me." He tells me that I am cold to him . . . I mean

And I can only say "Ehmmmm . . ."

I have to leave him, ladyscribbler. Tomorrow, I'll be talking to my younger sister and tell her my plans. I'll tell her not to tell dad anything. After my aunt died in November, and I was not able to see her, and can only remember the last hug of 6 years ago and her "I love you." I harmed so many people, and pushed them away. All because of this schmuck.

But I'm ok, certainly in a much better place than 6 months ago. And I can see my next steps in my head.

ladyscribbler

I have to leave him.

I found a journal entry with almost those exact words. "I have to get away from him."
It was a few months before I actually left, but I remembered that exact feeling.
I isolated myself, hid, did damage to the relationships in my life. I had an opportunity to make amends for all that stuff later, once I was away from the abuse. About a month after I left my ex for good, I started attending Al-Anon meetings. That was my journey. I had a lot of guilt riding on my shoulders, as many of us do. I know I wasn't perfect.
But I was never as bad as I thought I was. My guilt and shame were totally out of proportion to my actual wrongdoing.
Get yourself safe. Amends can come later.