walkinganewpath

I'm a bit baffled about this...and I'll start with the background...(long)

AH was arrested after we were fighting in the driveway. It was verbal not physical but threatening and he took his rage out on my car and our house.

After being charged with Disorderly Conduct and mandated to alcohol treatment, random testing and having a no contact, residential stay away protective order placed on me he opted to check himself back into the treatment center he went to 6 months ago.

After two weeks and what seemed to be a different (healthier) approach to recovery he ended up in the ER with what has turned out to be septic bursitis in his elbow. He has had a lot of orthopedic issues and surgeries which have contributed to his alcohol abuse (lots of time to recover on the couch with Percocets and vodka).

The bursitis did not respond to oral antibiotics and he spent over a week in the hospital on IV antibiotics and yup you guessed it...a lot of pain meds - morphine, percs and delaudum (spelling??). He went back to the treatment center just last night and is being detoxed from those now.

It appears that surgery is quite necessary and the treatment center doesn't want him convalescing there especially if it requires any type of pain meds - against their philosophy (I get that). He is also not able to really participate in the classes and activities that are part of recovery. Also the quality of medical care he is receiving is no where near what is available in our home state - I'm sorry but compare the Las Vegas strip to Yale New Haven Hospital. The treatment center and his EAP counselor from work want to have him sent home for surgery and rehab from surgery as well as a continued OIP program. The plan is (with my consent) to request from the judge that he be allowed to return to our home and live on the lower level of our house which has it's own bathroom. It's a raised ranch.

How does this work? I'm not worried about him being violent but he's not a very pleasant patient and I'm very nervous about the pain meds, etc. We can't afford for him to live somewhere else and frankly if he were totally alone all day I can see that being disastrous. That said I also can't and don't want to be his babysitter. He would need to be enrolled in outpatient treatment as well as AA and would be subjected to random drug and alcohol testing.

I know some of you live with your A's in the same house but in separate areas. We are at the place of wanting to both work towards our own recovery and put our marriage and family back together. I just can't seem to wrap my head around how to do it like this. It was my hope that he would return to the state, live with a friend of his, continue his recovery with AA and an OIP and request that the protective order be reduced to just the residential stay away. That would give us time to keep focusing on ourselves but also be able to spend time together alone and with the kids to work on our family. After a bit of time if all was working well we could then request that he return home This whole other idea just seems so weird and a bit overwhelming to me.

From what I understand he is very determined and motivated to be sober. Last time he went to rehab it was from a place of physical distress. This time he stands to lose his family, his home, his job and even his freedom (ie jail).

I just needed to write all this out and see what kind of feedback I got - especially on how other people might have managed this type of weird living arrangement or other types of separation.

We are both in our late 40's, have been married for 26 years, together for 30 and have two kids - 8 and 11. I am not currently working but am seeing that either way it's time for me to change that.

I'm struggling a lot with other people's opinions and advice lately so even if I need to hear some hard stark truths...please be somewhat kind.

Thanks

FeelingGreat

Hi walking, I've no experience of this myself, however your choices may be limited in that you don't really have an alternative that you can afford, and whatever his addiction problems, it makes sense to get the best treatment for his elbow.
I think your plan could work, but the weak link in the chain would be you. If he moves back, stays in his own area, interacts with the family according to strict schedule, doesn't hang out around your house, maybe he won't fall back into old mindsets and habits.
This would entail you setting out the conditions in writing, getting his agreement, and then sticking to them yourself. It would be very easy for both of you to re-create the old triggers and dynamics.
My reasoning is that rehab physically changes the environment for the addict which helps them get some distance from old habits. It would be more difficult for his recovery if he gets back to business as usual too quickly.

What do you think about my reasoning?

walkinganewpath

FeelingGreat - I think your reasoning is spot on - especially the part of me being the potential weak link. I am just as, if not more, nervous about myself slipping back into the enabling, walking on eggshells behavior I have. Not only would it be detrimental to his recovery I think it would decimate me. Actually I'm more concerned about what it would do to me (which I think is a good thing in terms of self care)

Also he hasn't really had enough recovery time and to be thrown back into daily life with two active kids and the pressures of life in our household is something I don't think he's ready for.

That said...his medical condition is not something to be taken lightly at all.

I have some time to put thought into what I need for structure and to find out from his support team what he needs to keep on track. The most demotivating thing for me is to have him plunked on my living room couch all day...but he'll be in the basement. And if he could get into outpatient treatment that could take up portions of his day out of the house that would be helpful. As well as my continuing and even stepping up attendance at alanon meetings and getting at least a part time job.

Thank you for your input...it was extremely helpful, constructive and has given me some ideas on how to approach the whole proposal.

dandylion

walkinganewpath....have you talked to the social worker about him spending the post-op recovery period in a convalescent center?
Is his friend willing to take him in?

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Hi walking, I agree that it would be a good idea to discuss with a counsellor from his rehab or similar so you could both agree on conditions if he stayed downstairs. Then you would have to commit to sticking to them. Don't agree to anything that feels wrong or be afraid to be strict. Remember it's only a temporary substitute for him living elsewhere, so he wouldn't be hanging out with you at all.

Maybe invest in secondhand kettle, hotplate & microwave so he doesn't need to cook upstairs?

redatlanta

You mention rehab after surgery - would this be inpatient?

IMO his addiction issues should be addressed with the surgeon. There are alternatives to opioid painkillers that are very effective - he is not the first one to have this issue they should be made aware of it.

I don't have a solution here. I am more apt to say no way - having taken care of two non-addict sick people over the past twenty two months one a male and one a female - sorry to be sexist, men are the worst patients. It sounds like it will be a lot of work for you. I am also biased having been through it for 22 months.

Why a friend would volunteer for this level of care is beyond me, you don't even want to do it (I understand).

I will say this, under no circumstances would I accept him back in the home with opioid pain killers. NO WAY. There would need to be a plan in place regarding his pain management THAT YOU ARE INVOLVED IN. This would include no opioids after surgery as well so no need to be dealing with someone detoxing at your house either. I think he would agree to this because he is kind of boxed into a corner, but I also think psychologically (and perhaps physically) you will have a greater burden because his pain management will be different than what it has been in the past.

walkinganewpath

What I have read about his condition is that he would need inpatient time after surgery to receive IV antibiotics and that this could be up to three weeks. Also him living here after that is all based on the assumption that the judge will allow it. From what I've seen and heard from the court caseworker they have been pretty firm not only for my benefit but to try to put him in the position of having to figure stuff out himself and take care of himself without my enabling him. Before having this issue he asked the court caseworker if he would be able to come home directly from rehab. She said that since he is thousands of miles away he hasn't proved that he can manage his addiction or his behavior in such close proximity to me and the kids.

I think that going to a post op rehab/convalescent center is also being discussed. I'm sure it's him that is balking at the idea but it might be a better option than being here. His friend is currently looking for an apartment and living with his parents. If he was healthy and returning to work then that might have been a temporary solution but it doesn't seem to be viable in this scenario.

I'm not freaking out like I was last night nor am I trying to figure it all out myself. He meets with the doctor on Tuesday so more will be revealed then. I also don't have all the information on what is being discussed for all the options as he and I can't really talk.

I will make sure that I discuss my pain killer concerns with the social worker and the surgeon and come up with alternatives or a hard line boundary if he does end up here - actually no matter where he lands I think that what you said Red about addressing his addiction issues with his medical team is a must.

I can get the basement set up so he has the ability to do a little cooking or food prep for himself as well as sleep and hang out with a tv.

It is Saturday and tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I don't see any decisions or major conversations happening until Monday or Tuesday. For the next two days I'm going to give it to god and enjoy my children and peace in my home.

I'm really proud of myself at the moment. While I'm unsure and confused I'm not spinning in circles trying to force solutions by myself like I have in the past. The plan from the doctors hasn't even been set in stone - they might come up with some other idea that keeps him out there. That said I did gather some good information and options from you all so I know how to proceed if it is decided that here is a good place for him to be. I think my alanon might be showing

Thanks!!!

LexieCat

I don't have anything helpful to add, but I think you are thinking this through very carefully and in the right way. I hope that a good, workable solution is found.

Hugs,

dandylion

Walkinganewpath....I'm glad that you are feeling more settled as you are facing this tricky situation.
Having spent most of my life in a hospital...I can reinforce this to you: Be certain to open your mouth and let everyone that you can speak to know what is really going on. You can be certain that he won't!!
My mother, while, she was still living (in her 90's), used to lie to the social workers, doctors, and everyone else....so she could get her way. She wasn't an alcoholic, even...she was just very, very stubborn.
If the staff thinks that you are o.k. with him coming home--they won't try very hard to find a better solution.

All I am saying is----just stand your own ground. If you don't--ain't nobody else gonna..

dandylion

Hawkeye13

I don't think this is a very good idea for you or your kids--even with the financial issues.

If he has parents willing to take him in, or a rehab can be arranged, I think your peace and peaceful home is worth preserving.

He is very early in recovery and risking cross-addiction with the pain killers. You can't be his keeper in this.