Sunrise89

Hi,

I'm Lisa. I've got 3 girls with my alcoholic husband who is 37 and thought I'd join this forum. I'm sorry to read so many posts from people that are going through the same, alcoholism truly is awful.

I met my husband in 2009 whilst I was a single mother, moved to South Africa in 2010 and got married at the end of 2010 - (as you can see here my problem as to why I'm in this situation is simply moving too fast before I got to truly know him, i.e he was already an alcoholic at this point!). I went through many years of trying to fix him, how naiive and stupid was I?! We've been to numerous doctors and tried a psychologist. He's been referred but it's clear the progression of his disease has left him physically dependent upon alcohol that he cannot quit drinking by himself. He's been drinking every day that we've been together, in the beginning we didn't live together and he kind of tried to hide his alcoholism by buying bottles of wine for us with dinner... this soon changed into everyday drinking of beer. Anyway I was just so stupid not to notice back then and once I realised there was a big issue I was in another country.

Anyway, I've noticed some odd behaviour last month over a few weeks. Alcohol going missing from the fridge in the morning - him denying it but then eventually admitting it was him (who else lol). Then I noticed it happened again so I confronted him and he said he didn't drink any nor did he hide any on the way to work which is of course a lie. I noticed he was warned at work for drinking x 2!!! I was just livid that he could do this but obviously I know he's out of control and addiction has firmly caught him in it's claws. I confronted him about all of it and he lied or is in denial... no idea!

I gave him strict warning that if he does not change his drinking the girls and I are leaving and going back to the UK. This seemed to really get through to him and he decided to cut back his alcohol however he ended up having an alcoholic seizure because I think he did it too quickly. That was MY rock bottom and I told him you're going to rehab, he used every excuse not to go but over 4 days I tried to fix every excuse he had (it's in my nature and I know I should just leave him to get on with it but if I don't help him he will only drink himself to death, he might do that anyway!) until he was left with none and he eventually came round to the idea and told all of our close friends where he was going and he said he was sort of looking forward going and being 'normal' with the family again. He genuinely seems to want to change his habits which is a great step and obviously I know relapse is very common so I'm terrified.

Anyway, he's been having strange symptoms like getting extremely drunk on only a few beers and I was suspicious of him drinking at work which was causing him to get drunk but then I realised it might be his liver that isn't functioning as well as it should He had a liver function done two years ago that came back fine. His rehab counsellor says that he thinks he's an end stage alcoholic and they are doing more tests Anyway, I guess I came here for hope and more education. Can an end stage alcoholic live a decent and long life? Obviously it depends how end stage an alcoholic is but if his liver function was fine 2 years ago does that give me hope? He's a great man but just this addiction rules him

Anyway excuse my ramblings, not sure if it even makes sense. I'm just a little broken but being strong for the girls!

amberly

Hi Lisa,

I wish we were e-meeting under better circumstances.

I am sorry you are going through this with your husband- especially with kiddos and a big move. Unfortunately there seem to be some common A patterns regardless of what continent you are on.

I went through a time when my AH was having odd symptoms after a few drinks too. Once I even called EMS. Turns out he was only having a few beers, but also had a bottle of whiskey/ vodka/ whatever was floating his boat that week down in the garage. So it was two beers- plus a fifth of hard liquor that caused the mysterious symptoms. He let me go on worrying about him, never telling me what was really going on.

Maybe it's time for some boundaries and a break- unless you don't mind living with him in this state.

I hope things get better. Keep us posted.

Sunrise89

Hi Amberly,

I know! It's so sad. Wow, they sure are clever creatures! I don't think he was drinking before (who knows!)... I'm terrified his liver is stopping working and the toxins are affecting his brain. However, I have been researching in depth since he began rehab on Tuesday so I guess I'm terrifying myself too.

Yep, boundaries - desperately trying to set those! He's in rehab so I have a whole month to consider life, I do want him part of our lives but just not the way he is. I've already decided that I've got to take the girls and go if he goes back to old ways. It's just so uncertain and horrible

Hawkeye13

Will you be able to leave the country if he (or his family) objects?
If you don't have a way to make a living, is there anyway you could get "trapped"
because the children won't be allowed to leave?

I don't know about SA rules, but I suggest seeing a lawyer ASAP
and finding out your legal rights / restrictions.

I'm glad you're here and sorry about the difficult situation.

FeelingGreat

Hi Sunrise, if he's in rehab, they'll do all the necessary tests, so let it go for now. The stages of alcoholism can be hard to define at times, but 'end stage' sounds a bit extreme if low tolerance is the only symptom. I tend to agree with Amberley that he's got hard liquor stashed somewhere. Reason is that a couple of beers wouldn't go any way to satisfying him and he'd feel the need to top up.
Use your time while he's in rehab to research and seek advice on where you stand if he relapses and you want to return home. Wishing you all the best.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR Sunrise! I hope you rest and relax while he's in rehab! Mulling over a back up plan in case he reverts to his addiction is wise.

Sunrise89

Thanks for the advice guys. It helps to know an outside perspective My children are all British citizens, we all are so I doubt he could trap me in the sense of not allowing them to return, but financially yes I am trapped. I've got the support of family if I need to get home so that is reassuring. I've nearly finished my degree and will be a registered counsellor next year which will allow me to work in SA but I just don't know how much I can hold on!

See, I'm probably being naiive and stupid but the past few weeks he has been acting all out of sorts - getting absolutely trashed on a few beers and this has happened a couple of times. I should have mentioned TERRIBLE bruises are appearing everywhere and he's constantly tired, he slipped on hard flooring - he didn't seem drunk to me but then he never does! His boss has said he's lost focus at work and he appears to really be hiding his drinking habits. The rehab clinic said they usually see people in the middle stages of alcoholism but they said he was 'end stage' so they are running more tests. Also, he has a tendency to never go to the doctors and get anything checked out so I doubt he would tell me if he's feeling really sick. I think perhaps they should have run more tests without telling me that as I was kind of positive hearing that my doctor doesn't think he's got cirrhosis (he wouldn't allow him to do a physical exam of his liver!) and his liver function was fine 2 years ago.

FeelingGreat - I know, I just really want to learn how to let it go and leave it to the experts but finding it so hard, I feel so stupid researching and obsessing over this but I just feel so out of my depth.

Mango blast

Hi Sunrise,

Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you've found us and are posting.

It sounds like you and your husband have been learning quite a bit so far. There is always more to learn and we only need to take one day at a time.

There's a lot in your post that sounds familiar in how I used to try dealing with things. Telling my husband what I wanted him to do seemed effective in the short term, because I was given something I could see, but eventually I started to see how much work there was for me to do for myself. It's been hard putting the focus on my own physical, mental and spiritual health. It's also important and has been the turning point of finding love, life and happiness, right where I am.

My husband is now finding his way without me directing and trying to control it. It is a scary disease! Chronic, progressive and degenerative of both the brain and body. There is always hope, and yet they need to want to recover and find their own way to it. Some sadly never do.

Have you been able to find a good therapist and support for yourself? You're important, too. Do you have any regular time for fun and laughter?

Sunrise89

Onto that as we speak.

knowthetriggers

Welcome Sunrise!

As you read thru the forum you will find that we have all been where you are now in some way, shape or form. Not all situations are the same but we are all here for the same reason, alcohol.

I agree with other posters, now that he is in rehab it is time to focus on you and the children. Have a backup plan in place. No better time to do it then while he is away.

Good luck to you and please keep posting and keep coming back!

Sunrise89

This is very true. The psychologist labelled me as a 'control freak' wonderful haha, but then he eloborated further and I would agree, that's what I've become. I think it's a coping mechanism because he is so out of control at times that I need the control so the girls and I feel safe. He seems to want to stop drinking and has attended a few AA meetings, his last one he popped in and said he was going to rehab and he will see them all soon so that's great.

My last session with the therapist ended awfully so I've got to find a new one. You're so right though, I do need to take some time to be just me and not mother to the 4th child (aka my husband). I'm just kind of consumed by feelings of guilt because if I find out he's done serious damage to his organs I'll kind of blame myself His sister has said that it's absolutely stupid to even think that because of how I've tried to help him and how he's turned very manipulative and stubborn but I just wish I persuaded him into rehab sooner. Just so concerned for him.

I am just terrified, this is just the most awful experience I've ever been through and I just hope this moves on positively after rehab... however maybe that's just wishful thinking! I feel for you all going through similar.