LexieCat

Me, too. Your being "nice" and "understanding" wouldn't change HIM. It doesn't work that way.

charis78

Not so much to change him, just to be able to live with myself. I don't treat anyone else like this in my life.

amberly

I knew I finally had to make a change when I didn't like myself anymore. I couldn't control what my AH was doing but I could have chosen different ways to respond. Instead of setting up boundaries early, I let things continually get worse. I was depressed and angry and not pleasant to be around. Sometimes I was downright mean. I can forgive others for how they act, but I always have trouble forgiving myself if I do something ugly. I finally decided to make a change so that I could find and be myself again.

Look out for you, be good to you, feel good about the things you are doing- and what he is or isn't doing won't quite matter so much anymore.

marie1960

So maybe , just maybe, could it be possible, that this whole toxic situation, is really about you?

When we allow another person's actions and words to effect and control us in a negative manner , it's a sign that we really must look inside ourselves and evaluate the situation.

You are the one that has to live in your skin. You have to be ok with your choices and decisions. The fact that you are becoming someone you don't like, or want to be, is a sign, that something has to change.

In a healthy relationship, partners complement each other. They don't rip each other to shreds with hurtful words.

How is your recovery from surgery coming along? Are you able to get out and take in a change of scenery? Having a new focus, interest or hobby, may help you to stop obsessing about the past. Time to meet a new caliper of friends, there really are people out there who are not addicts, they will not suck the inner joy out of you, promise.

knowthetriggers

This statement speaks volumes.

You deserve a better life than this.

firebolt

You vent here anytime.

Hun - this relationship is KILLING your self esteem, and it is making you into some one you do not want to be, and I could guess it affects your health negatively. OH, I know the feeling on the being someone I don't want to be part....ugg and the health (welcome to panic attacks at 35.)

Please please distance yourself enough to gain some perspective. How would you react if your best friend was in your shoes? What would you think of her situation?

If I was my best friend, here is what I would tell me:

"You are beautiful, smart, funny, and a very good person. I love you and you deserve REAL love. Not the temper-mental half real love that comes from an alcoholic that truly puts the love of alcohol even above love for himself.

You deserve compassion, a partner, someone with a clear mind and a will to grow WITH you. You have to leave this life to gain the one you really deserve. It will be hard, and painful, but will be the most amazing thing you've ever done for your life."

What advice would you give YOU if you were your best friend?

charis78

Firebolt, that was beautifully written thank you. I will make a cue card of it

firebolt

Thanks Charis...I just need to take my own advice too. If you can get some support - friends, counseling, Alanon, it will help. I promise. We need to get our awesome selves back!!!

Butterfly

Honey don't feel bad for venting it's good to get it all out. I wrote similar posts

I agree with the others you are as addicted to him as he is addicted to alcohol. I mean that in the nicest possible way, I'm addicted to my stbxah and I have struggled with detaching, big time!!

For a longgggggg time the good folks here encouraged me to go no contact, I only lasted a few days at most, I fought it, what if he needs me and he thinks I'm not here for him, what if he thinks there is no point in giving up alcohol she doesn't want to know anymore and on and on my crazy thoughts went. He did this who,e come here go away cycle for many months after he walked out and I always jumped back on the crazy train, hoping it would be different and he was seeking help, he wasn't, I was someone who always bolstered him up when he felt lousy and I still did even though he walked out, I gave him his fix of everything's ok she's still there and loves me, I can treat her anyway I want and he could as I was a doormat!!!! I told him many times in an angry rant that I wanted nothing to Dow ith him again.

You know what the best thing was when he told me it would be better if we had no contact. It was for the first time I became clear about things even how badly he treated me, how I deserved to be treated better. We have limited contact now and I still jump on the crazy train at times, sometimes I don't it gets easier.

An A's words mean nothing I'd be a millionaire if I had a penny for every time my stbxah told me he was done with drinking. It's easy to say kind caring words especially via text message but it's harder to follow through with serious actions. Don't tell me you love me show me!!!!

Please don't take his drinking personally he's not drinking at you, he's not able to control his addiction without serious therapy and commitment to sobriety and it doesn't sound like he's reached that point. Sweetie nothing is more important to an alcoholic than his next drink and nothing will interfere with that. I know it's hard and your thinking if I was so important to him he wouldn't do this or treat me this way but they are sick they don't know their own minds most of the time. I agree with redatlanta their addiction is not their fault but it is their fault if they chose not get help and continue this cycle despite know they're hurting those around them who love them. That is their responsibility!!!!

Block his number and have no contact with him you will be amazed at how the fog clears when your not caught up in him and his addiction. You can't fix him only yourself.

((((Hugs))))

Fathom

Hugs, Charis. This is so hard and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with such a mean-spirited person in your life. Please, read more on this board to learn about what you are really dealing with.

I hope you'll see that none of his behaviors, mean statements, or lack of willingness to face his alcoholism has ANYTHING to do with YOU. You matter. Definitely. His choices are not a reflection of your worth but of his sickness. It took me a while to see it, but nothing I did ever changed my AH's behavior. The only thing I ever succeeded at was getting some of his vile attitude pointed in my direction. I just happened to be there.

And that quote of his? It can be summed up easily as QUACK! It is about as meaningful as that. Once I started recognizing the signs of quacking, I was much better equipped to practice detachment and focus more on myself and my recovery. Have you found the "quackers" threads yet? They are very helpful at giving you perspective.

I found that I started to rediscover who I really am at heart when I started spending time with non-toxic people, and even just by myself. It seems I actually really enjoy my own company! Why don't you try hanging out with your friends who don't drive you crazy, who don't send you into such a spin that you can't recognize or even like the person you become?

Wishing you peace and clarity,
Fathom

CarmenLove

HI Charis,

I get where you are at. I have those thoughts too and swing from 'angry' to feeling 'guilty' and wondering if it's my fault too.

Here is the truth.

It's not our fault. We didn't cause it, and even if you were the most awful, horrible person in the whole world (which I don't think you are), and behaved really badly, it still wouldn't be the cause of his drinking.

His choice to drink would be.

However right now he is showing you, and even telling you that he is not ready to change and he is not going to treat you well no matter what you do.

I know how hard it can be to put it down.

However if you don't put it down (the relationship as it is) for you right now, also know this, I believe that it would also be the most helpful thing you could do for him.

I am about to go do something nice for myself.

Why should I put myself through hell just cus my ex husband (2 weeks separated) has chosen to drug?

Yes he is an addict. So. It doesn't mean I have to accept crumbs from him.

Sending love.

charis78

You know what screw him. Hes never felt bad about the crap he has said or done to me.